Is my 18 month olds behaviour normal, or am I seriously intolerant? Stressed!

[alabasterangel]

I've been walking around the house since DS got up this morning with my teeth clamped together so hard I've given myself a headache already. I have no idea if he is a normal, boisterous, lively little boy and I am very stressy and intolerant, or if he is genuinely a nightmare.

I have an older DD and she was utterly the other end of the scale. She concentrates, and has always been happy to apply herself to the toy/task/game in hand and gives feedback that she enjoys this. At his age she was selecting something to do and doing it, whereas DS is basically like a hurricane on overdrive. I could walk behind him all day and just pick up his chaos and destructions. He plays with nothing, toys are chucked and dismissed. He opened a little wooden tool bench on Christmas morning, selected the mallet, steamed across the room to his sister and bashed her in the face with it. He destroys everything in his wake. He doesn't sit still for a second. I've tried everything I can think of; rotating toy boxes, showing him endlessly how to play games, calming him down. He won't even sit in his highchair for a meal peacefully, he's screaming to get down and tears off to do something else 'naughty'. I've tried ignoring the naughty and praising the good, I've tried lots of dedicated time just to him (he has me all to himself 2 days a week when I'm not working and dd is at school). We can't go anywhere very easily as its just so un-enjoyable for dd and us. We went to a friends on Christmas Eve and I gave up after an hour; he launched himself into the Christmas tree, pulled the tablecloth off the table pulling crockery with it, etc. doesn't matter how fast I am to intercept, he's like lightning. It takes two of us to keep him out of trouble and then poor dd gets barely any attention and I don't get to have an adult conversation with anyone.

I've tried to discipline him by coming down to his level and firmly saying 'NO' but he just laughs like a drain and runs off to the next naughtiness. He's always been very 'lively', a dreadful sleeper (although now, finally, he does sleep through probably 50% of the time) and energetic, but he's ramping up to new heights now. He also is yet to speak anything, which I am wondering adds to any frustration. He understands me perfectly (will respond to some commands, when he chooses to do so, such as 'pass me teddy, go and get a story') etc, but says barely anything.

Seriously, if I'd have had him first I wouldn't have had another; I'm so exhausted and stressed with it. He is so different from DD. yesterday we had a discussion where sadly we agreed that the previous idea to go abroad for a family beachy type holiday this summer will have to be shelved as it wouldn't be any fun to try and contain him even briefly on a beach or in restaurants at night. We went abroad with dd at 20 months old and it was a relaxing, lovely holiday. We also agreed we were not looking forward to a family party on Sunday where he will run riot amongst 50 people and I will come away totally stressed out.

So really I just want to know if he is just a normal toddler and I'm an intolerant mum? Anyone got any ideas as to how I might be able to curb his behaviour a bit? I feel awful for being so stressed by him.

He sounds normal to me, if on the high-energy end of the scale. I think perhaps your expectations are set too high after your experience with your DD. It also sounds to me as though you're labelling him as 'naughty' which really isn't fair- he's still very little and is just exploring. He is still learning about what's expected of him, and has absolutely no concept of WHY he shouldn't do certain things.

I've just re-read your post and I can't find a single positive thing about your DS- most of what you've said is a moan that he isn't like his sister. I know that you're asking for support/advice here so you've focused on the negative, but I do think that perhaps you need to re-evaluate a little and make sure you are aware of all the wonderful aspects of his personality as well.

As far as coping with him, I know it is exhausting (I have an 18 month old too, who is also into everything) but it will get easier- 'This too shall pass'! I'd say give him plenty of active time to let off steam, baby-proof as much as possible so you don't always need to chase after him, and enlist the help of friends and relatives when you're out.

I started with a boy so I would consider that normal.

However, I did often meet people with little girls of that age and feel a bit depressed that my LO never sat still for long...needed endless visits to the park...couldn't do any craft activities without smearing entire house with bleugh...screamed on smart social occasions, had to be watched every minute.

However, he was absolutely lovely. He was just sweet. He loved running around, he loved chatting to us, singing, looking at books. He loved us building a wooden train track, playing imaginary games, jumping off sofa cushions, that sort of gross motor skills play. Anything where he had to use fine motor skills was a disaster I suppose, and just led to frustration. He loved going out on little trips to familiar places, buses, parks, train tracks. Nothing fancy you understand. Other people's houses were an excellent diversion. Any change of scene, where nothing much was required of his behaviour and concentration.

He was an excellent sleeper at that age and had a 2 hour nap after lunch every day, partly due to loads of running around He slept through from 7.30 to 7am, occasional night waking, co-sleeping occasionally. He ate loads of things like mashed potato, rice pudding.

Could it be a combination of frustration and tiredness that is bringing out natural 18month year old vices? I would try fresh air and simple routines to try and get the sleeping back.

Do not compare him to his sister. We endlessly compared dd to her brothers and she suffered for it.

Hi there, sound like you need a break. Can you get some time to yourself today so your can have a wee break from your lovely ds? Hopefully you will get some reassuring advice on here today. My ds was very similar. All I can say is that it does get easier and you will be able to go on holiday and to family events. It is much easier to cope if you are not stressed so make sure you get some time away from him to relax. Best wishes x

My dd (dc3) is 19 months and it's just that age when you do have to watch them constantly, she is constantly naughty, favourite thing at the moment is throwing food and drinks on the floor and at other people. She also laughs when she gets told off.
However, she is much, much calmer than both my sons were. She will play with just one thing for 10 minutes or so .
They were a complete handful at that age. I found excersising them at lot helped, so if we were going to someone's house, going to the park for an hour beforehand really helped. My husband and I would also take it in turns at parties to watch them so we had a little relaxation time each.
We took ds1 on a plane to Cyprus when he was 23 months and it was utterly horrible, he was either running, screaming or kicking the sea of the person in front of him. Consequently, we tend to just go in the car to Cornwall. Although I am looking forward to a hot summer holiday when dd is 3 or so.

Thank you; you are right. It's so hard to think of him positively when he's driving me round the twist, but he was so much wanted and very much loved, just very consuming! He is a very cuddly and kissy little boy and that is utterly heart melting, I love him totally but I just don't like his behaviour very much at the moment.

It doesn't help that lots of people over the holidays have said things like 'gosh, you must be exhausted', 'he's such a handful, isn't he?' and so on..... Stating the bloody obvious!!!

I feel guilty that by 9am I am counting down to nap time and from him waking up in the afternoon I'm I counting down to bedtime. As you say it's a comparison, I never felt like that parenting before, I used to wish dd would stay up later! It's a bit of a shock to the system. Glad to hear he sounds like an average 18 month old though.......

My dd (dc3) is 19 months and it's just that age when you do have to watch them constantly, she is constantly naughty, favourite thing at the moment is throwing food and drinks on the floor and at other people. She also laughs when she gets told off.
However, she is much, much calmer than both my sons were. She will play with just one thing for 10 minutes or so .
They were a complete handful at that age. I found excersising them at lot helped, so if we were going to someone's house, going to the park for an hour beforehand really helped. My husband and I would also take it in turns at parties to watch them so we had a little relaxation time each.
We took ds1 on a plane to Cyprus when he was 23 months and it was utterly horrible, he was either running, screaming or kicking the sea of the person in front of him. Consequently, we tend to just go in the car to Cornwall. Although I am looking forward to a hot summer holiday when dd is 3 or so.

My DB and SIL have an 18month old who is brilliant at concentrating, playing with toys etc but still has the requirements of your 18 month old boy. She needs a change of scene quite frequently, she wants loads of adult input, she has temper tantrums due to frustration at not being able to do things independently, she is very fussy and tantrummy over food, she throws things when she is upset and tired. So it is not just a boy/girl thing. I think all children react like when they at a certain developmental stage, and the best thing to do is channel it, being aware of what they are capable of, and what the best boundaries to set FOR THAT AGE ARE. Distraction, routines, consistency, thinking in advance of triggers (hunger tiredness boredom)

It does sound normal I'm afraid I had DS first and DD was a breath of fresh air when she came along.
You just have to work with it - I think the terrible 2s start at around 18months for boys. Mine also dropped daytime naps at that age too so was quite tired, although would not give in to it.
Lots of outside activities -walks, trips to the park etc. Try soft play centres, swimming etc - anything to use up energy!
IME boys do not do crafty things, drawing, painting sticking etc until about 3-4 unless you can do it outdoors on a big scale. Mine loved splashing pain on rolls of old wall paper or 'painting' outside walls with a decorating brush and water.
Do try and see the good things rather than the 'bad' - as someone else said it is not really being naughty - just learning. Remove anything from the house that is fragile or precious and leave him to it.
I found a play pen helpful too.......

"I don't get to have an adult conversation with anyone" [gives hollow laugh]

That to me is asking too much of any 18 month old on a social occasion. He is doing "naughty things" because he wants to you to involve him! He needs to bash pummel pull squeeze things at that age - rough and tumble play is a good one, mini trampoline, sofa cushions they are all good diversions from hitting people.

I'd say you've got a normal, but high energy little boy. My second is a month older, but escaped his cot last night. Big boy bed from now on.
We've also, I fear, just hit the start of the terrible 2 years. Everything is a battle - he was desperate to go out this morning, so we had to get dressed - to cold, imo, to be going outside in PJ's (tho we do play in the garden in the summer without getting dressed), but getting dressed was a battle 'cause he just wanted to get out of the house.
He will also scream because he's hungry, and then refuse to sit at the table, and push his food away.
It does get easier - my 3.5 yr old (DS) is lovely now. But I don't have a girl to compare to. Craft still only lasts about 10 mins!
"Its only a phase!" - just wait for the next one!!!!

I've tried lots of dedicated time just to him (he has me all to himself 2 days a week when I'm not working and dd is at school).
What does your DS do when you are at work? Could it be that there are different expectations of him by whoever is looking after him and he is getting confused?
Also could he be bored when he is at home with you if at other times there are other children to play with or more physical activities on offer?

Seeline - good point. He's at nursery where he can, indeed, pretty much run riot nothing is off limits other than bashing other kids! Didn't think of that!

The other thing to be aware of is that in boys running amok can be a symptom of being overtired or stressed (cortisol attack)

I remember the tragic sight of a little boy at morning session Montessori nursery (v structured, craft orientated nursery environment that even my boys ^loved) just running round in a crazy way knocking things over, being told off for being naughty, not sitting still. He wasn't naughty he was just stressed by being cooped up (dropped off in a car by his mum so no exercise before he got there) I don't think he ever adjusted, that environment just didn't suit him.

Playpen?
Walled garden?
Playroom?
Bouncy castle?
Trampoline?

These would all be running through my head - contain and exhaust!

In that case I would try taking him along to a couple of toddler groups. It may take a few attempts to find one or two that suit - perhaps ones that are in large halls, or with outdoor space, and fewer girls . It would give him a chance to mix and let off steam and for you to perhaps relax a little and have a chat. I know with mine it was the only opportunity I used to get to actually drink a hot cup of tea!!

I have 2 DS aged 3.6 and 2.3. Both like this! You are not an intolerant Mummy, tis exhausting! I've very much focussed on taking them to places that work for them (parks/fields/good playgroups)...we can meet other Mums & tots in park bit if it is for coffee, it has to be short. DS1 can now understand when talked to about indoor voice & trying to behave in a cafe, but DS2 still has not a clue. When we fly he has to be walked round and played with all the time. He does however give the actual worlds best cuddles & is hilarious.

Hmm to change tack - is there any structured play at his nursery? Could that be something he hasn't got used to, and can't adapt to at home? Singing songs, action rhymes, routines for tidying up could all help him enjoy doing things in a measured way sometimes? Maybe he just doesn't know what he is supposed to be doing because it hasn't been modelled for him?

I think he sounds normal too. I remember looking after a friends dd with my son when they were a little older than yours and actually being shocked at the way she selected a toy and then sat down to pla with it for about twenty minutes!
It does get easier, I think when they get older they go through a stage of being keen to please you and to help with things. My ds is now 3 and great fun- yes he is still naughty sometimes and high energy but he is also very sweet, cuddly and funny and I really enjoy spending time with him now.

You need to take him outside lots. On your days with him start with long walks - him walking, its no use if he is in a buggy. If he won't walk safely take him to a park and actively play football with him or just let him run - you can throw things for them to fetch, like dogs . You need to get him all over waterproofs and do this every day (aside from nursery days) for at least an hour, otherwise it is absolutely normal for him to behave like a human hurricane indoors, IMO.

Its not only a boy thing - all children need to let off steam to some degree, but the gender stereotype has some validity I think. I have girl-boy-boy - with my girl its social contact she needs rather than physical energy burning, but none did well just restricted to home and grown up situations. My 5 year old boy used to be very self contained and lovely IF we walked to the next village and back (3 miles total) after dropping his sister at Kindergarten - that took an hour and a half (he would ride a balance bike or other ride-on, I'd push the buggy and sometimes have to put him in it part of the way back) but once he'd done that he'd play happily by himself for the other hour and a half til I picked his sister up at lunch time. My 20 month old is more intense than his older brother was, similar to the way you describe your son, and also does not sleep - he's slept through 3 nights in his life I think. He also climbs everything - was climbing before he could walk. Mine does talk though, in sentences, so I'm not totally sure its related to language acquisition. The outdoor time makes a major difference to him too, though he's not angelic for as long after so its not magic, but it helps hugely.

Your DS sounds very much like mine at the same age (he is now 7 and he is still pretty lively). I remember we took him on holiday with my parents, when he was around 2, and at the end of one day we were all slumped on the sofa completely exhausted and my DM said "It really does take 4 adults to look after him and we are still tired out" . He just didn't stop.

Consequently, we had a long break before our next DC and now have a DD who is nearly 2. She sounds very similar to your DD and I am still amazed by how easy she is. She actually plays with toys, concentrates on activities such as colouring, tidies up after herself, follows instructions... I am constantly shocked. When we are at playgroup together she will sit nicely beside me & eat her snack. I am transported back to memories of DS at the same age at the same group - usually with blood pouring from his mouth because he'd run into something, climbing the walls etc...

But, having said that, he is getting easier now. He is still high energy but he burns a lot of it off as he plays team sports (which he is really good at) with his friends. He is a popular, outgoing and happy boy who is always in a good mood- if a little loud at times.

My advice to you would be to treat your DS like a high energy dog! Lots of outside time, as much time to run and jump as possible and just try to tire him. My DS goes to football training, karate, swimming lessons and , fencing... As well as any other one off activities that are offered by the school or local sports clubs. If he misses these activities for any reason then he is like a coiled spring and usually ends up in trouble for rampaging around the house and leaping on furniture.

Any activities you can find for your DS where he can be physically active (we used to go to toddler gymnastics) will be fun for him and hopefully, in time, will help with following instructions too.

I do feel for you though, I remember how exhausting it was. I never used to believe in "typical boy/girl" behaviour but since having DD, I am starting to think there is something in it. We are having twins soon and haven't found out what sex they are. I have to admit, it has crossed my mind that I could have two boys that are as wild as DS was as a toddler... I can't help being a bit scared!

I have enjoyed this thread....I worry about my 22 month old a lot and it's nice to know that others have boisterous children and try similar things. I love my son- he is gorgeous and sweet and fun but exhausting! You sound like you are doing great. It's certainly hard and I know what it's like to be the one tailing a lovely but tiring boy!

Does anyone have a tIny baby too? I have a 5 week old which is making it harder to get my son out to the park as much - I worry my little baby will wake and get cold. X

RT I had a winter baby when my DC1 was 24 months - put him in a wrap sling under your coat and he'll be fine out in the park for an hour, snuggled up against you (though you'll look pregnant or as if you're trying to hide a marrow up your jumper ) You can and should check the baby whenever you want easily of course, but a baby in layers and a snow suit in a wrap held against mum's body, inside mum's coat won't get cold in British winter weather. Outside your coat won't keep baby warm enough probably. Gives you both hands free for your toddler too.

Thank you for this x

This was the age when I spent lots of money on soft play for ds - actually a very sedate chap as toddlers go - and dn - a small hurricane. Once it was warmer we could go to the park instead. Walking is good exercise - errands to shops, anywhere.
I was told small children are like dogs - they need to run to the point of exhaustion at least twice a day. The boys are 4 now and it seems to help hugely.

I too had boys first and was utterly amazed when DD came along, it was so so much easier and continues to be actually (although DD isn't a teenager yet!)