Is my 18 month olds behaviour normal, or am I seriously intolerant? Stressed!

[alabasterangel]

I've been walking around the house since DS got up this morning with my teeth clamped together so hard I've given myself a headache already. I have no idea if he is a normal, boisterous, lively little boy and I am very stressy and intolerant, or if he is genuinely a nightmare.

I have an older DD and she was utterly the other end of the scale. She concentrates, and has always been happy to apply herself to the toy/task/game in hand and gives feedback that she enjoys this. At his age she was selecting something to do and doing it, whereas DS is basically like a hurricane on overdrive. I could walk behind him all day and just pick up his chaos and destructions. He plays with nothing, toys are chucked and dismissed. He opened a little wooden tool bench on Christmas morning, selected the mallet, steamed across the room to his sister and bashed her in the face with it. He destroys everything in his wake. He doesn't sit still for a second. I've tried everything I can think of; rotating toy boxes, showing him endlessly how to play games, calming him down. He won't even sit in his highchair for a meal peacefully, he's screaming to get down and tears off to do something else 'naughty'. I've tried ignoring the naughty and praising the good, I've tried lots of dedicated time just to him (he has me all to himself 2 days a week when I'm not working and dd is at school). We can't go anywhere very easily as its just so un-enjoyable for dd and us. We went to a friends on Christmas Eve and I gave up after an hour; he launched himself into the Christmas tree, pulled the tablecloth off the table pulling crockery with it, etc. doesn't matter how fast I am to intercept, he's like lightning. It takes two of us to keep him out of trouble and then poor dd gets barely any attention and I don't get to have an adult conversation with anyone.

I've tried to discipline him by coming down to his level and firmly saying 'NO' but he just laughs like a drain and runs off to the next naughtiness. He's always been very 'lively', a dreadful sleeper (although now, finally, he does sleep through probably 50% of the time) and energetic, but he's ramping up to new heights now. He also is yet to speak anything, which I am wondering adds to any frustration. He understands me perfectly (will respond to some commands, when he chooses to do so, such as 'pass me teddy, go and get a story') etc, but says barely anything.

Seriously, if I'd have had him first I wouldn't have had another; I'm so exhausted and stressed with it. He is so different from DD. yesterday we had a discussion where sadly we agreed that the previous idea to go abroad for a family beachy type holiday this summer will have to be shelved as it wouldn't be any fun to try and contain him even briefly on a beach or in restaurants at night. We went abroad with dd at 20 months old and it was a relaxing, lovely holiday. We also agreed we were not looking forward to a family party on Sunday where he will run riot amongst 50 people and I will come away totally stressed out.

So really I just want to know if he is just a normal toddler and I'm an intolerant mum? Anyone got any ideas as to how I might be able to curb his behaviour a bit? I feel awful for being so stressed by him.

Oh yes, we've been indoors way too much this past 10 days, and away from nursery which exhausts him, so that might be exacerbating it. I think I've got stuck in a rut, he's tiring me out so much that I can't see the woods for the trees and don't want to go out and run about, but then that's a catch 22.

The party on Sunday is a 2 hour drive away.....urgh!!! He'll be liked a caged beast by the time we get there!

And yes to the climbing. If its scalable, he's up it. We are going to softplay tomorrow after breakfast, fingers crossed that wears him out. He's sleeping now; relief! I'll just have time to clear up the morning decimation before he's up and starting again. Since starting this thread we've had loo rolls and wipes down the loo (dd left the door open), shredded post, bowl of baked beans launched, yogurt thrown at his Dad, door handle pulled off kitchen cupboard, apple juice poured into dd's sylvanian car, tricycle ridden into Xmas tree, those are just the things I can remember..... !!!

It sounds like you have two children on different ends of the energetic scale, and were lucky enough to have an easy one first I had the enthusiastic puppy style child first, and my second is actually looking to be the same (lucky me!). However, as it's my norm I find it relatively easy, I just make sure they are exercised twice daily and fed regularly.

I remember looking after a friends DD at about 18 months and she just sat and played and then murmured a bit when she got bored, went to the toy box , got another toy and played a bit more my DS in the same amount of time would have made an attempt at climbing onto the table, emptied the box and climbed into it, put anything not screwed down into the washing machine, run headlong into the wall as it should have moved, then tried to climb on the table again while I was distracted by clearing up the previous fun activities. My friend returned the favour a few weeks later and had visibly aged in the 2 hours!!!

He is now 3 and stil has a lot of energy but is the most funny lovely gorgeous child you could hope to meet [pfb]

Ds is 19 months and I totally sympathise. We found he really does need lots of outdoor time and running around time. Dh is great about lots of physical play too - throwing him around etc.

But... We are coming out of a recent growth / development spurt which seems to have had a wonderful impact. He's eating better, seems to be less excitable, seems to have increased his understanding and comprehension and has gained a whole lot of new words. He still needs action but in the last week, if he doesn't get out in the morning as well as afternoon it's not a crisis.

Try enjoy the cuddles and affection which seems to be a feature of children like this. We spend hours playing hide and seek, followed by big kisses. Fun for everyone. Or I toss him into our bed after a big noisy count to three followed by jumping on after him for a cuddle. And the extra benefit is he is now saying "two" and "three".

Op I started a thread like this about my 22 month dd it's in chat if you can find it. I have had 5 and have never experienced such a strong willed child. She has never slept well either and I have also given up on restaurants and parties. We had a long camping holiday in France in our bongo and found that preferable to the med or elsewhere and picked sites with shallow toddler pools and found that way we could relax and the beaches do big and I crowded that she could run and run.
I am just back from waitrose where she had a tantrum because wont sit in trolley but won't walk so it was carry a 25 pound child or she cried.
I'm just biding my time till it gets a little easier but I know how you feel.

Just to add that yes she can't bear to be contained either in car buggy or trolley.
Also I had three boys first all placid and calm so I don't think it's the sex.

Er sorry, from everything I've seen on little boys at around 18mths plus he sounds absolutely normal. At about 18mths every one of the boys we know altered and became boys. Before that they were rather interchangeable with the girls of same age. They all sat and played. Now the boys are much more boisterous more of the time. It's just like they have come into themselves now. The girls in our group are very playful. And boisterous in fits. All throw toys, make mess on purpose, hit each other if not watched. All have done the hammer trick.

I think u are more sad that ur dd has not replicated exactly. That's not fair and puts an awful lot of pressure on ds. He's not naughty he's a boy and unfortunately they are very different from girls. I think u need to enlist some help from friends and family and try some groups together. U need to have fun together to counter act the stress. U sound as if its u and them quite a bit?

I'm certainly not sad that he isn't a duplication of DD, she has her faults too (trust me!) but she is just a much quieter calmer child which sort of reflects us as we are both quiet, calm, adults. She is easy peasy to parent, and of course i cant deny that is bliss, but i was overjoyed to have a boy and a girl, and to have a bit of a contrast is fine too, we just need to understand him a bit more! Plus after having such an easy child to look after previously, having one who needs so much of your input (and being slightly knackered at 40 and DH nearly 50!) is a bit of a shocker!

There isn't a divide between adults and children; they are our world, we waited such a long time to have them and had a struggle to have them, and due to where we live and lack of babysitting resource and local family, he is either in nursery (3 days) or with us, and therefore everything we do gets done all together, including socialising, meals out, fun kids stuff, etc. However we are doing less and less outside the home at the moment as it's challenging! Having said that, I've sent DH and DD out for a minimum of three laps of the park before it gets dark.....Hopefully tonight he will be slightly calmer over supper!

Normal! My DS was just like this. He didn't play with toys - he took them apart. Or he pulled the skirting boards off the walls so he could get to the electric wires behind. He couldn't sit still long enough to watch a DVD until he was 6. And I couldn't take him out unless it was to a soft play or a park - he just went berserk. I didn't meet friends for a coffee for 3 years because of his behaviour e.g. Throwing plates around, knocking drinks over, running out of the door whenever he felt like it etc (this was a mahoosive hardship to me - I LOVE meeting friends for a coffee!).

He's fine now though! (He's 8). Absolutely fine. (He's dyspraxic - a lot of his early restlessness can be explained by this, but by no means all of it, he's just a very physical child who needs to move all the time).

It's bloody hard isn't it. I also have a very focused Dd - she was a revelation after DS. She played with toys, sat where you put her, spent hours colouring, never broke anything, was happy to sit quietly in a high chair while I had coffee with friends etc ....

Normal. But exhausting.

I have 2 boys and one girl.

Your little boy sounds normal to me.

We did not have a holiday abroad for 10 years when the boys were little. (mainly due to financial reasons, but it would have been horrendously stressful).

Think of small boys as if they were puppies. They need to be taken out of the house as much as possible, no matter what the weather. They need to run about and collect sticks and leaves, chase things, climb, jump, etc etc.

18 months is too young for your ds to sit still and concentrate. He needs regular fresh air and exercise and sleep. Long walks are the answer.

Stop comparing him to your dd. Believe me he will know.

My dd was an absolute dream by comparison, and very easy. But I wouldn't swap my boys for anything.

Little boys are lovely and I wish I could have those days back again.

Girls tend to have better speech earlier than boys. 18 months is very young.

My boys used to get up at 6 am and I would be in the park at 8 am. They would have walked at least 3 miles by the time we went home for lunch. I lost so much weight just from walking miles! We would be out again for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

We used to build dens from cardboard boxes and blankets, wigwams from garden canes and old blankets, cars and boats from cardboard boxes. You can't actually do anything useful until they are asleep, but you can have loads of fun playing and involving the older sibling too.

You just have to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry when they are asleep. At least there is online shopping now. We didn't even have computers when mine were little!

I got pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was around 18 mths. I cried (DS2 was not planned!) DS1 was such hard work I couldn't imagine how I was going to cope with him and a baby. However, by the time DS2 was born, DS1 was communicating better (had a degree of speech delay) and was so much calmer that it was hard to remember just why I'd been so panicked. 18 mths is just so little in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't take long before they're on the next stage

I have a DD and who is 28months and it is only very very recently that she will sit and play a game. Immensely exhausting.

She needs 2-3hours outside exercise a day, gets cabin fever easily and is happiest raunchy or shine outdoors. She is gte same at nursery. She is also much worse if she matches any tv so that's always banned

My DD is 18 months and sounds very similar and is not speaking really either. I think she's just learning about things and like her energy although her constant need to go outside and not be cooped up can be wearing!
I cannot imagine her ever playing with a toy for a few minutes.
I might be lucky in that a couple of the other girls in our antenatal group are similar - to be honest the quiet ones who play by themselves freak me out as they seem a bit detached.

Oh DD, is just on her slide now (indoors). This is one toy that occupies her for a few minutes as she can climb up and down so many different ways - no boring sitting and sliding for her though, headfirst, sideways, backwards are all way more fun as is jumping off the top of it!

He's just a boy. They get better. I have two - the younger one is 19 months and just like your DS - he exhausts me utterly. But this stage passes - thank christ - with DS1 it was over by the time he was two and I heaved a huge sigh of relief. I just child-proof one room and let him trash that - it's easier than letting him loose around the whole house all the time. Hang in there.

Am actually very relieved by all your accounts, thank you. One "well meaning" relative said yesterday "looks like ADHD to me....." (not that they are in any way experienced or qualified to comment, think they were just a bit surprised by the whirling dervish that was wrecking the house at the time, but it still hurt me that he might be seen as such an out of control toddler).

We have toddler proofed loads, again something we didn't have to do before, so again it's a new experience for us, but as fast as we try to remove a temptation he finds another. He's figured out the kitchen door catches, can open doors by himself, and climbs hideously dangerously on bookcases, chairs, etc. He can even manage, by some houdini type magic, to get out of a 5 point harness on his highchair and has literally thrown himself out of his pushchair more than once. Together with the lack of speech and the wild animal noises he is so good at (growling in particular) and his gorgeous mop of hair, he does sometimes look a little bit like a ferral character from Lord of the Rings......

He sounds exactly like my sons at the same age.

It really makes me mad when people throw this ADHD label around, particularly when referring to perfectly normal little boys. It does a huge disservice to families where real ADHD exists.

Hi OP, I feel your pain! Though I don't think it's a gender thing as this sounds so much like my 2yo DD. My friends' LOs will sit, listen and play and she just runs around screaming and generally wrecking the place. She's quite happy with 8 hours sleep a day. I keep telling myself this is normal toddler behaviour and try not to compare her with the other little angels at playgroup. She's a very happy toddler, lively, healthy, affectionate and funny so really I count my blessings... and hope the next one will be a calmer soul

You mention you wouldn't have had another if you'd had DS first. However, if you HAD had him first, could it be possible you would've just taken it all into your stride and dealt with it? It sounds like the biggest struggle for you is the fact that he isn't like your DD (and that was your 'benchmark' for behaviour up until now), and that's been a shock to the system. Would it be possible to just start with a completely blank slate, take his behaviour as it comes and treat him like an individual, rather than making yourself suffer (and probably him, in the long run) by comparing everything he does (or doesn't do) to you DD at the same age?

Our DD (18mo) is very similar in activity levels, she needs to run about a lot, climb a lot, jump off the sofa, play football etc. Perhaps the main difference is that she does understand NO to a certain extinct and respects boundaries of where she can go, but then it seems like she may well have less - she's free to go in the cupboards, climb, get toys out, feed herself from the fridge and go where she wants in the house.

So we have a lot of physical activities, both in and out of the house, she will read to herself and with us when the motivation hits and has quite a few words, and I do agree with rrreow stop comparing, and treat him like a new individual and try and meet his needs rather than trying to mould him into his sister.

DGS is 17 mo and like this. His maternal GM who he lives with asked her HV to check him over as she had never experienced any child like him (she has 3 of her own and childminds).

HV said he just needed lots to keep him busy and to make sure to always close the stair gate.

DSS was exactly the same and MIL tells me that DH was her last for good reason!

Yes he's normal and you are normal to feel so tired so don't give yourself a hard time. I've got an older son and a baby daughter and there's a real difference even now. I used to call my days with my son "athletics" and he still needs full on daily exercise - especially of he's expected to sit at lunch quietly somewhere or go into someone's living room.
Often I feel boys get a raw deal (mine is one of four grandchildren and he is the only boy) - they are harder work but sometimes I think it's because they are actually massive explorers from an early age and they persist in that. My son is massively high energy and he NEVER stops - at the moment he's up twice or three times a night too so it's exhausting. I'm
so tired as our daughter is four months. But he is soooo clever and
I try to remind myself that he is not what I want him to be but an individual in his own right.

Snap. My DS is 18mo and exactly the same. I have had no sleep for 18mo and work full time. I have been worrying a lot that he will never concentrate to learn to do anything/ at school!!

DH and I have agreed a big gap between kids...if we have another... after this exhausting experience!

Unfortunately I think it is all normal. My DS has just started having the most horrific tantrums as well which is driving me round the bend.

I think I could have written your exact same post when my now 3.5 yr ds was that age. He still is a whirlwind of full on energy but once they start talking well and understanding reasoning, it enters a different zone - other issues are thrown up but they can learn to modify their behaviour, given the right strategies.

I think back to this time last year and my heart used to be in my mouth every time I took newborn dd out with then 2.5 ds. DD2 was a frequent feeder and I could never be sure of a time that we could go out when I wouldn't have to stop and feed her. Ds1 was at the age where he could walk miles tirelessly, wouldn't be strapped in to a buggy but could run in any direction (into the lake, across the road, down an escalator) at any moment. Now he's the one who tells me to stop, look and listen when we cross the road!

Now, I won't lie. He still can be a right little bugger at times (and today was one of them) but he now responds really positively to one on one time and praise. I always tell him one thing at bed time that he has made me especially happy or proud about - although he does often respond with 'but I did hit my sister' or similar.

dd2 is now coming up to that tricky stage herself so I'm steeling myself for the next phase...

OP, love the 'ferral Lord of the Rings' image! Consider yourself lucky though - mine did have that look too until dh took him to the barbers and came back looking like a mini Ray Winstone. Thug was not the word - and it didn't help that he has gone through a rather - shall we say - testosterone fuelled phase.

Hi Valdeeves, btw. How are you?