High needs baby -desperately seeking help and advice

[helsybells]

My 3mo little girl is very high needs and I'm at breaking point, so just posting in the hope that someone can offer some support and/or advice.

Is there anywhere or any way of getting some sort of formal help in my situation?

Baby is very clingy, cries a great deal and is difficult to feed due to reflux (being treated with ranitadine and every other trick in the book, tilted cots etc). Sleep is the worst thing though. She rarely naps during the day and it takes a huge amount of work to get her there. By evening I am exhausted but she gets to her worst . She w ill not go down at a reasonable time at night and cries and feeds continually between about 5pm and 10pm. When she does go down during this time she usually wakes within about 15 minutes and won't resettle. I have read many books inc baby whisperer, Gina Ford, no cry sleep solution etcetera but have not found much help in them. Tried a sling which helps a bit but is a pain literally. Overnight she isn't too bad, wakes once or twice and usually goes back down ok after between 45-90mins. she also sleeps from 10pm to 5am sometimes if she's exhausted herself enough.

I am becoming more and more depressed and am breaking down frequently, snapping at hubby and our previously seriously happy marriage of 3 years is really struggling under the strain. I'm feeling more and more distant from her and even beginning to regret becoming a mum . hVs etc don't seem too bothered as she's gaining weight fine etc.

Is there anywhere I can turn for help that I haven't heard of yet. I'm a very hardworking and level headed and organised person usually but right now I'm feeling very low and helpless.

Thanks for reading.

Hi helsy. Not much advice I'm afraid as I'm sort of in the same situation as you (but without the reflux). But didn't want to read and run. Big hugs and I'll be back later if inspiration strikes and I can think of something constructive!

Thanks FandJ nice to have a fellow sufferer online!! ;) thanks for the post.

Ive been there. There is no magic solution Im afraid. We turned to co sleeping (turned her cot in redundant nursery into a bed side side car by taking a side off)

She never slept at all in day and not as well as yours at night.

White noise helped- esp hairdryer.

Google happiest baby on the block you tube clip richard and judy show

What sling you got. You need a decent one. Maybe a close caboo carrier? They need to be upright after feeding and my slings saved my sanity

Domperidone helped the sickness. Ranithidine helped the acid. At 13mths we are weaning her off.

Early weaning is not the solution - we did BLW and am pleased we did.

We breastfeed and were under pressure to formula feed - am confident this wouldnt have made any difference

I'm a very hardworking and level headed and organised person - put this to one side for the time being. Lower expectations and get as much help as possible. I was literally drowning in washing due to the reflux.

Consider a cranial oestopath.

Hi. We're in a similar situation. Silent Reflux, asymmetry of face and eczema. LO is 16 weeks tomorrow. She cat naps during the day - 10 min here and there. Usually up past midnight and then up at 5am. We are using Ranitadine too.

We take turns to give each other time off. When DH is at work all day then he takes over in the evening. We give each other a night in the spare room to get a night's sleep.

It's bloody hard though. Much harder than I expected. I feel worse after mum and baby groups - babies who feed then fall asleep. We have to walk around for at least an hour after a feed.

Try different slings though. I hated the carrier but love the Kari-Me.

You can do this.

Thanks lagoon. We've done CO it has helped a bit. She's FF as BF just wouldn't work for us. I've tried bringing her in to our bed a handful iof times but she doesn't seem to like it so just not her thing I think!! Similarly white noise has little or no impact.

Have a baba sling which she loves and a baby Bjorn that she hates!

Thanks much re other suggestions!! Esp happiest baby as was considering for my next read.

Thanks too stargirl for words of encouragement :)

baba sling and babybjorn are not great slings for either of you to be honest. Not comfy for long and put baby in a bad positions.

Read sears high need/fussy baby book.

heres the you tube vid

I really feel for you. My first baby did this and I had roaring PND. With DD2 I knew how hard babies are, and I knew that there was no point putting her down till 10pm if she wanted to cluster feed and be hugged all evening. I just sat up watching TV or MNetting with her, and then gradually she would want to sleep earlier. These perfect very young babies who want to go to bed at 7pm are very rare! I just rode with it much much more, held my baby lots and lots, got a decent sling - in my case a wilkinet- and used it loads and loads, called in favours from friends, stopped trying to be superwoman and stopped trying to solve everything, instead knowing "this too will pass" and that I was not a failure for having a baby who cried. In particular I threw away all the books- that made me feel better straight away!

Been there. You have to accept that you (probably) can't fix this. You can just live through it. If you are very organised I expect you are getting frustrated by not being able to control the situation. WHat Mothers Do is a good book for helping you to realise that being there for your baby is an important and draining achievement.

Prioritise your sleep. Don't compare to other mothers / babies. If someone says, "Let me know if there is anything I can do" ask them to do something. Most people actually like to help others as it gives them a little feelgood glow and you will be able to return the favour one day.

Also take heart that you'll manage toddler dramas and not be one of those parents who harks back to when they were a sweet easy baby.

I'd second 'What Mothers Do' by Naomi Stadlen. It will reassure you that what is happening in your life is so normal and that you are doing a great job. I wish I had read it before I had my babies. I'd also recommend the BabyCalm book which is full of tips but also helps you understand your baby so that you realise that you have been doing the right thing all along.

The cluster feeding is late afternoon/evening is really normal. I remember meeting up with my antenatal group and talking about the 'witching hour' - not sure why we called it an 'hour' because it was many hours for most of us!

You sling is a pain? Are you certain that you are using it correctly. Have you had someone show you how to use it? You could ask a sling consultant or go to a sling meet where lots of lovely mums will help you and let you try their's or you could ask a BabyCalm teacher. Also if you are not sure how to choose a sling/carrier, there is a good article HERE

Good luck. I hope things calm down. A lovely lady once said to me, 'This too will pass' which was one of the best bits of parenting advice I ever had.

Ah yes babycalm book (and on Facebook) Sarah is amazing. Also reading what mothers do ..... And have how mothers love on my book list.

I have 'what mothers do' sat on a bookshelf - pm me if you'd like it.

Frying pan, DoubleYew and Nosey - thanks so much for kind words and advice. Brill suggestions everyone re books, slings etc all of which I will look into.

kirrin that's v kind of you I will PM you!

My DS was like this. I had PND too because he cried all the time and never slept. I'll never forget the battles to get him to nap.

What we used to do is swaddle him really tightly (he slept swaddled until he was 7mo ) and take him into a very dark room (blackout blinds essential). Then we'd put white noise on - louder than you'd think, to replicate the sound of blood rushing round the womb) and rock him. Sometimes we'd pat his back rhythmically and say 'shh'. It often worked, not always though.

Sounds like you're trying the right things - wish I'd used a sling more.

If you start to feel more depressed, see your GP. I had six sessions of cognitive behaviour therapy which really helped.

DS is 2.3 now and the sunniest, smiliest toddler imaginable. He's a joy to be around. Hard to believe he was such a screamy baby though he didn't sleep through regularly until he was 2

Big hugs. You can get through this. DS improved a lot around the 8 month mark.

Oh and I think there's a high-needs baby support thread on here - might be on the sleep board. Me and a bunch of other sleep-deprived mums had one going when DS was a baby and it really helped.

Re slings, we have a Kari-Me fabric one. A bit of a sod to tie but once it's on it's excellent - cuddles the baby really well, and doesn't kill your back. I used it with DS and now with DD.

My ds was a high needs baby too, I really feel for you. I promise it does get better. I would second having a read of what dr sears says about high needs babies, helped me to feel I wasn't alone. I personally would recommend a beco Gemini sling it was brilliant for us.

I would also say it's really important for you to try and get some regular breaks, as it is just so wearing having a baby that cries all the time. Can you get dh to take your little one for a few hours at the weekend while you do something completely different like cinema or something you really enjoy!

If you are really desperate and can afford it would you consider hiring some help eg a mothers help or a night nanny? In complete desperation ourselves, we had a night nanny for a total of 4 nights spread over 2 weeks when ds was about 6-8 weeks and it was a big help. She also had ideas re routine and tips to getting ds to sleep. Obviously v expensive so i know it's not always an option.

My ds is now 19 months and it is sooo much easier now. Good luck, you will get through it!

My elder DD was just like this. I'm not sure if you can actually change her, the only suggestion I can give is to get as much practical help as possible, and tell people you are struggling as she doesn't sleep. Do you have any friends, family or neighbours you could trust to just hold her and cuddle her while you sleep or get a few things done?

If it's any help, once my daughter was able to turn over and move around a bit things started to get easier. We always put her on her back as instructed, but once she could turn over, she would sleep on her front, with her bottom in the air!

She's 15 now, and I can't get her out of bed or wake her up any more!

My second DC was totally different, she ate and slept wonderfully right from the start, so don't be put off any more children in the future!

I'm not sure if someone has already suggested this as I've not read the replies you've had so far. It won't help with getting little one a bit more low maintenance, but does work to give you chance to do things while satisfying little one. I had to get baby slings / wraps for my ds. Just wont nap or sit or lay unless he's attached to me! It gave me a little bit of sanity back and he is much happier!!
Victoria slings do a great light weight one so he doesn't get hot while we're inside. They are supposed to be good for colic babies as well as they are upright. Mine even naps sometimes!!

Sorry, just read some of your replies and your post again. Similar situation here. Hope you find something. Do you have friends or family that could help? Comfort little one while you have a bath, eat lunch etc?

My DS was like your DD a year ago. We tried everything, nothing worked but time. He is still a bad sleeper but is now generally a happy little soul. I found the more mobile and in control of his own movement he got, the happier he became. It will get better, I promise.

Sounds like you are in a circle of trying to comfort a fussy, irritable, over tired colicky baby. In this situation she needs her environment to be calming and relaxing. Babies are very sensory and sensitive to smells, light, sound, touch and taste. Help her make a sleep association with each sense. A comforter with your scent, interesting but calming lighting in the bedroom, play some sleep sounds, from sleep toys, Ewan the Dream Sheep or the Fisher Price Seahorse are great sleep/sound associations. During the day let her sleep in the room she sleeps in at night to make a strong sleep association, close the curtains as darkness produces the sleep hormone melatonin.
If she can touch the sides of her moses basket she is ready to go into her cot.

So many of us have been there and know exactly how this feels! My first son was a very very hard work baby. I was on here all the time asking for advice and reassurance. It felt like everyone in my 'real' life had those "easy, smiling, drift off to sleep and nap for 2 hours kind of babies" whereas I had a "frustrated, colicky, sreaming, backarching, nap refusing" kind of baby that noone I met seemed to have ever encountered before! Then I found mumsnet and realised I wasn't alone and it wasn't me who was doing everything wrong!

All I can say is that some babies are much much more sensitive and high needs than others and it's not your fault. Also that IT REALLY REALLY DOES GET BETTER! It get's so so much better. My DS1 was so hard to get to have a nap. Even at 12 months old we had to rock him with the extractor fan on full blast for white noise to try and soothe him as he writhed about and screamed in my arms til he gve in. If I dared put him down in his cot to go to sleep he got hysterical. He spent so much of his day crying and fussing. When we finally did manage to soothe him to sleep in my arms he'd wake up after 30 minutes wide awake and crying again. Nothing worked! He hated car seat, pushchair, nothing kept him entertained. It got slowly better once he could walk at 11 months which I know must seem like a lifetime away but it's not I promise!

By age 2 he was a complete doddle compared to most toddlers and would doze off and nap for 2 hours a day on the sofa til he went to school full time age 4! (Never did get him to nap in his cot or bed though but who cares?!) He was happy, I liked having him next to me too.

Anyway somewhere over those first 2 years all the high needs stuff seemed to slowly disappear until we realised it was all behind us and life became great again. So great that we decided to do it all over again and now have DS2 who is every bit as high needs and grumpy as his brother was!!! I try and not let it affect me as badly this time. I know it gets better. He is now 12 months old and is steadily becomming more manageable! DS1 you may be relieved to hear is now an adorable, artuculate, funny, clever, gentle #9slightly bossy haha) little boy who brings more happiness to my life than I could ever have imagined when holding that angry, redfaced squirmy baby in my arms 5 years ago! Hang in there.

Hi

Have you tried a dummy? May just help.

A little nightly walk may help? Keep bab in car seat and get some rest. The slightly upright position helps.

Does dh help a lot?

Our baby had gaviscon. Might be colic too? Try gripe water and infacol?

Make sure baby not too hot.

This is a phase and it will pass.

Don't stress yourself out trying to mke her sleep between 5-10pm. Accept that she isn't going to. If you are tired hand her to your DH and go and have a long bath. Seriously. My DD1 had "evening colic" and screamed from 5-10 every evening when she was tiny. I used to hand her to DH and go to sleep.