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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Extremely concerned about 6 year old daughter's behaviour! Please help!

70 replies

AbsMummy06 · 19/12/2012 22:21

My 6 year old is a bright and funny girl, who used to show a great deal of compassion for everyone.

Since turning 6 (August) however it's been a constant battle. She has been in trouble for hitting and pushing children in her class, including lunchtime detentions, there were 3 different incidents in one week, all the incidents she blamed on other children "annoying" her.

She has put her hands around my throat, hit me, kicked me, bitten me. She also bit a very close family friend a couple of weeks ago.

Her words are probably the worst tool she has in my opinion though, she is totally spiteful at the moment. After the biting incident I did get very upset at my friends house and she saw me crying although I attempted to hide it, later on that day she asked me if I "was crying to cry like the big stupid cry baby I am". She has told me that she wants me to die so she can go live with her Grandmother, when I asked her why it was so she could "get rid of me". I was busy using the PC over the weekend and explained to her that she couldn't use it as I was job hunting, she replied with "Why are you even bothering to look for a job, you're never going to get one. You are actually the stupidest person I have ever met." If she catches me looking at her she will say "What do you think you're looking at?" and if I shout her she will ask me what the hell I want. But 30 seconds after that she can throw her arms around me and I say "I love you Mama, you're my queen of hearts." She is worlds away from the little girl who used to cry if I even stubbed my toe at the fear I had really hurt myself!

The most alarming thing happened last night though, when I went up to bed I had noticed that she had smeared poo on the bathroom sink. I asked about it today very delicately at the fear she may have been embarrassed and she laughed in my face and said she did it on purpose and she put her fingers up her bum to see what was there, when I asked her why she did that she continued to laugh at me. I explained to her that this was unacceptable behaviour and that got the biggest laugh of all.

I am out of work at the moment and she is my only child so she has my undivided attention from home time until bedtime and is a very loved little girl.

Can anyone shed any light on any of this and do people feel it's a matter I should raise with her doctor? Many thanks x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Corygal · 20/12/2012 11:10

Woaah - re her behaviour. Don't rise to it. It is way harder to do than to say, but put all your energy into not reacting.

When you see the school this pm, push as hard as you can to get help. All the best.

perceptionInaPearTree · 20/12/2012 11:32

Gosh, this sounds very hard, OP. I agree that in the short term, although it is very difficult you must not show her how hurt you are - that is reinforcing her behaviour at the moment.

I agree that she needs to be properly assessed. If she did turn out to have a condition like ASD then it needs to be recognised by everyone that the same things cannot be expected of her as of a NT child. Sometimes people with ASD become very unhappy because of the expectation that they have to behave like NT people (especially at school). Of course it may be something entirely different. But you need to keep on until someone assesses her to find out what exactly is going on. As someone else said, only when you find the cause of the problem will you be able to find a solution.

Original poster

AbsMummy06 · 20/12/2012 15:57

That's what the lady that I spoke to this morning said, not to rise to it. Easier said than done when the most precious person in your life is trying and trying, following you around until they have brought you to tears. Spoke to the SEAL lady after school (as her teacher was out this afternoon for some reason) and she said that my daughter understands what she's doing is wrong and does love me. She was lovely for 5 minutes after we got home (showed me all the beautiful pictures she's made for me today) and then said she wanted to do her family holiday homework when I said that we couldn't do it right now (don't have all the bits and pieces we need) she started getting in my face with "now, now now...." and then threw her pen at me and then when that didn't work (stayed calm) she started telling me to "Go and make her tea NOW" Think she is seriously confused over who is the parent and who is the child in our house. School have said that she is back on her IBP and we will review her behaviour after xmas. Not an awful lot of help at the moment but hopefully set the ball rolling re my concerns and can be addressed properly after the holidays. Just not looking forward to 3 weeks of the little terror when her holidays used to be time I'd look forward to and adore!

OP posts:

MysticMugBug · 20/12/2012 16:10

bi polar?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 20/12/2012 16:11

I would make an appointment with your doctor and detail all your concerns - the sooner you get a referral the sooner she can access help - waiting lists are really long.

LookingForNewName · 20/12/2012 16:19

I'm not sure bipolar is diagnosed in children.

LaQueen · 20/12/2012 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookingForNewName · 20/12/2012 16:25

I stand corrected mysticmugbug I just come across a journal about chilhood bipolar, I would take a proper look as it seems it is recognised but diagnosis would be difficult in the u.k.

mummytime · 20/12/2012 16:39

Whatever it is, you need to see your GP and be referred on to a specialist paediatrician.

The behaviour is probably at its worste when: she is tired, a bit ill, things are different, certainly when she can't have things done the way she wants.

Don't see it as you trying to show her who is parent. I would suggest that you get a broken record phrase, not including words like sorry, but just saying "We can't start it because we don't have the stuff", and just repeat this. Also make her a safe place to go when she can't cope, maybe in a sleeping bag, or a small space.

You need to be the adult and no get upset by what she says, she doesn't mean it or even really understand, she is just being worse than normal at letting all her frustrations out on you.

Get help!
Good luck.

Original poster

AbsMummy06 · 20/12/2012 16:54

I did that one mummytime, broken record! she will sometimes go up to her room to cool off voluntarily but at the moment she is more interested in following me around to continue it than stop. Maybe I should find a mummy sleeping bag to hide in! Thank you to everyone for your advice x

OP posts:

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 20/12/2012 16:59

you dont need to wait until after xmas to book a gp appointment - i would not take her with you either.

i wrote a very long letter to the pediatrician and on that basis were offered a faster appointment.

lougle · 20/12/2012 16:59

Do get her seen by her GP. The school will be doing their best to manage her behaviour at school, but this is her life that you are talking about. Even if school do manage the behaviour during school hours, you need to know why the behaviour is happening, and what the most effective way of managing it is.

This isn't your fault, at all.

Original poster

AbsMummy06 · 20/12/2012 17:01

Thank you Vicar, I will go tomorrow. Thank you lougle, reassuring to hear this isn't because of my wrongdoing. x

OP posts:

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 20/12/2012 17:04

i would really stress the gravity of the situation too - can you print off your OP to take?

some GPs are good at fobbing you off or putting behaviour like this down to other things - i had my parenting called into question by one ed psyche but luckily no one else - about 8 different professionals ended up being involved with DS but on the whole were very positive. Im sure things have moved on since DS was assessed but it can be quite daunting.

write down all your concerns and stress the gravity of the situation that you are living with.

lougle · 20/12/2012 17:07

Can I ask, how does DD respond to requests? Does she do as she's asked, or does she seem to find excuses not to do what you ask, or put barriers in the way?

Does DD refuse things she normally likes, just because she's been offered, for example?

LoopsInHoops · 20/12/2012 17:14

No advice, just wanted to say that you sounds as if you are doing a fantastic job and keeping very calm in an extremely difficult situation. Well done. :)

Original poster

AbsMummy06 · 20/12/2012 17:43

Hopefully the doc will listen to me!

When she's in that mood Lougle she'd turn down a trip to Disney Land just to say No. She refuses to dress herself, refuses to follow even the simplest of tasks, deliberately does things the most difficult way she can find. No is her favourite word. x

OP posts:

lougle · 20/12/2012 17:47

Perhaps read this and see if it rings any bells?

Original poster

AbsMummy06 · 20/12/2012 18:01

Some of it did, some of it didn't. read up on ODD and most of that rang a bell. Hopefully a referral from the GP will shed some light on it x

OP posts:

lougle · 20/12/2012 18:04

If you wanted to, you could pop over to the Special Needs: Children section on here and browse the threads (or post, as you wish). You might find that you either recognise some things, or that you think 'actually, DD is nothing like this.'

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