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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

So upset can anyone help

31 replies

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 12:28

My DD is nearly two, she can be lovely but has never been a very affectionate child. All this week she has been a nightmare, kicking off at the slightest thing, hitting DH and i. A few times this week i have been at the end of my tether and really had a go at her. Not a responsible thing to do i know!! i really regret this but she has pushed me too far.

Now she won't have anything to do wth me at all and is just terrible. I love her desparately and want to be close to her but she just won't have anything to do with me or her dad. She is being naughty at nursery, and is lashing out at other children.

I just don't know what to do. It is so upsetting

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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welshmum · 31/03/2006 12:33

How often is she in nursery?
What do you mean by 'had a go at her'?
What's her language development like?
thought I'd ask a few questions before piling in...

Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 12:38

I really shouted at her and was a little rough. She would not come in from the front doorstep after i asked her to and when i went to puck her up she tried to throw herself, i lost my temper and dragged her in whilst shouting. I feel like an absaloute monster and a terrible parent. But she is just so difficult when she wants to be.

She continually screams when i am driving, so i just turn up the radio to try and block it out, i just don't know what to do. She is at nursery every day but i cant afford to give up work. It is only this week she has been this way.

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rosycheek · 31/03/2006 12:59

Have you asked at nursery whether something has happened? I know it's difficult, but I think they all go through periods like this, and sometimes all you can do is try to be patient and she might come out of it herself. Maybe she's looking for attention? Have you tried distracting her with something she likes?

The driving thing is difficult I know...I used to do the radio thing too! Driving with tears running down your face isn't easy.

Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 13:02

She just makes me so angry, the minute we get in the house from being outside, she starts to whinge and cry and throw herself. She deliberatly bangs her head on things and crys even louder. But when i try to hug her or hold her she pulls away or if i ask for a kiss she will hit me. She slapped her dad this morning as he was leaving, he only asked fo a kiss.

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rosycheek · 31/03/2006 13:06

Oh sounds difficult. I wouldn't really know what too suggest. Have you tried ignoring the behaviour?

Blu · 31/03/2006 13:08

Ok, first of all, try not to panic, ilxs. Whatever it is that has prompted this, it will be made worse if you find yourself getting drawn into the pattern too, and reacting. Don't worry about your outburst - most parents have lost it on at least one occasion, and it doesn't sound as if you hurt her.

Has anything new happened? It does sound as if she is reacting to something.

A couple of thoughts - she is a bright kid but can't express her feelings verbally yet, so is feeling really frustrated, and has embarked on the terrible twos? Just be calm, spend lots of time in communication' with her letting her express things to you or tell you as much as she can, and talk lots to her. Explain everything, as if you are doing a running commentary on your own life. Tell her where you are going in the car, and what you will do when you get there. Tell her before you even get in.
Start to anticipate her tantrums and calmly try to head them off (ooooh, this is so much more easily said than done!) but distraction is still your best weapon at this age.

If she starts to kick off, hold her fimly but gently and affectionately, speak in a low voice and explain, and if she carries on, just ignore her. I wouldn't personally turn the radio up in the car, because that just ups the ante and sets up something for her to compete against.

Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 13:10

Yeah, she just follows me round the kitchen crying and then when i don't know she is behind me sometimes i have knocked her over by accident. This sends her in to Orbit. I love her so much it is so hard not being able to give her a cuddle or to hold her and let her go to sleep in my arms. She has never done this. Her dad wants to give her the love and affection too, but she won't let him. She wasn't well last week and was really cuddly for the first time since she was born. It was great. This week she is being really evil.

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Blu · 31/03/2006 13:11

When you get in, do you immediately start on a job, like unpacking shopping or making a cup of tea?

It does sound as if she is attention seeking, and maybe feeling insecure. Could you try giving her some one-to-one time first, and then explaining what jobs you have to do, and involving her? Don't expect it to work at once - nothing ever does - but persist, and keep taking deep breaths and staying v calm?

rosycheek · 31/03/2006 13:11

Blu could be right about the frustration about not being able to communicate. My ds(now 3) was very late talking and used to get terribly frustrated - objects flying aroubd the room and everything? Was very difficult, but often she would get to the point where you couldn't talk or reason with her so would end up just walking away until she'd calmed down.

rosycheek · 31/03/2006 13:12

Blu · 31/03/2006 13:12

DS was evil following periods of illness at this age. was she off nursery while ill, and now back?

Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 13:13

Yes i try and get things done. I am working and need to keep on top of things. Mayhem if i don't.

She does not sleep well and i have picked up that she is tired quite a lot of the time. She won't eat and has at least two bottles of milk before bed each night. This is just to get her to go through from 10-7. If not she plays hell in the night.

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rosycheek · 31/03/2006 13:14

Do you have any other children?

Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 13:15

Yes but only over two days and the weekend.

She is my only child and will be the only child.

We only ever wanted one.

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Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 13:15

I am due too pick her up in an hour, i dread to think what she will be like.

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rosycheek · 31/03/2006 13:16

How is she with them? Does she behave any differently towards them, or you when they're around?

Blu · 31/03/2006 13:21

DS used to whinge for England when I came in from work at this age, and it drove me mad, and i used to find myself screeching 'don't whinge' across the kitchen. I still feel guilty about it now. Then I realised that if I spent even a few minutes focussing on him and him alone, he was much better for it, even if it meant delaying starting to get his tea ready for a while. I would give him some breadsticks, talk and play for a little while, and then let him 'help' with whatever I had to do. It paid dividends!

I do think even a two day break from nursery is enough tomcause her to react with a certain amount of outrage at being returned there, and that she may well be tireder than usual after illness.

I would prioritise time with her over keeping on top of things for a while - the mayhem could well be less than if she carries on like this!

Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 13:21

Who Roseycheek? The nurserystaff.

She is very loving towards them and they say she can be clingy towards them. I find that hurtfull when she won't come to me.

She does play up at nursery though, and has attacked other children in my presence. I think it is probably me and i don't give her enough time. I feel the damage is probably done and it is too late now

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rosycheek · 31/03/2006 13:23

When you go and get her today, try not to dread it! I know it's difficult, but it's suprising how they can pick up on the tiniest emotions. If you can, why don't you ask her what she wants to go and do? Maybe she doesn't want to go straight home. She might like to go to the park or something - doing something she has chosen together might be of help

Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 13:27

We went to the park yesterday and i bought her an Icecream, she was fine until it came to getting her back in the car. All hell broke loose.
She was ok when we got home. But she was still very unpredicatble. Tried to have a cuddle when i gave her a bottle before bed. She had it and just wanted to get down after.

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Blu · 31/03/2006 13:28

ilwxs - don't think like that! Children react to what they experience, and as soon as they experience something new, they react to that instead. Honestly, I am horrified by the way I was with DS when he was the age of your DD, (I had a low level depression, as well), but he grew up a bit, I changed my tactics and he is absolutely fine now - ask any of the several MN-ers who have met him.

You certainly don't need to be thining in terms of 'damage', just a behaviour phase .

You and your DH love her - that's the most important thing and she knows that. It doesn't stop them reacting to things!

Blu · 31/03/2006 13:30

Also, kids seem to like cuddling when THEY initiate it, but DS always wriggles away when I cuddle him. They can't be bothered when it's just for your sake. Don't take it personally, though. they haven't learned to look at anything from your pov yet!

She probably usd up all her energy at the park, and then was running on empty.

rosycheek · 31/03/2006 13:32

Don't worry about thinking that 'the damage has been done@. It does sound as though she's a normal two year old who is trying to test the boundaries of those she loves - the 'will you still love me if I do this?'

If I were you I'd try to ignore the bad behaviour and reinforce the good - not always easy I know. It's not going to be an overnight solution. Maybe try letting her know that after nursery is a time for you and her to have fun, but then explain that you have to do other things. Do what some of the things Blu suggested, getting her involved with what you've got to do.

rosycheek · 31/03/2006 13:35

And kids can be soooo mean. They know exactly how to hurt you and if the mood takes them they will use it to full advantage!!! Doeasn't mean they love you any less.

Original poster

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 31/03/2006 13:46

I will bear these things in mind. Hopefully things will change, it might just be a phase.

Really hurts though.

Seems like i am always saying "Cant wait until she is.."

Because it always seems like there is something wrong or we have a problem. I try and tell myself it will get better. I don't want her growing up and hating me for being a bad mother.

I don't het on well with my own and resent her for some of the things she did or said. I cant bring myself to forgive her for them and i don't want my Daughter feeling the same about me.

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