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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Do other cultures teach their kids to say "sorry" to everything?

85 replies

trice · 28/03/2006 16:34

I was having a battle with my son who had been foul to one of his classmates, I was trying to get him to say "sorry". He asked me why he should say sorry when he wasn't.

I wanted him to say sorry so that the other boys mum wouldn't think that I had no manners. The other boy couldn't have cared less.

I remember a french friend laughing at us brits for apologising all the time. Is it a cultural thing?

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maltesers · 29/03/2006 16:52

Its good to teach them to say sorry. Nt dp finds it very hard to say sorry and besides it a sign of arrogance it shows that his parents have not taught him good manners. A small sorry makes up for a lot. It does not mean you are in the wrong it merely shows courtesy and manners. People who bump into you and dont say sorry are IMHO pig ignorant and ill mannered. S'pose it jusy went to a private school where it was part of our culture to constantly say sorry. But its better than saying F...off !

MrsWood · 29/03/2006 21:38

I'm from Croatia and it's common when amongst the family or close friends to not bother saying thank you, please etc. When I met my (future) brother in law, he asked me if I wanted a drink and apparently I said "no" as oppose to "no, thank you" - apparently, when my dh asked him what he thought of me he said he thought I was rude... LOL
We still laugh about it, although since I've been here (10 years) I've been apologising for everything - even when it's not my fault (i.e. someone bumps into ME, and I end up saying sorry - stuff like that), saying please and thank you million times in shops when asked questions etc. My dh now says I have an obsession... LOL
I do think Brits quite often overdo it, but I guess it's common courtesy and when I go back to Croatia now, I actually think people are being really rude...

schneebly · 30/03/2006 08:23

I didnt realise how much I said sorry until my 2 yo DS started saying it all the time - anytime we pass close to anyone in the supermarket, if someone else says sorry. I would rather he was polite though and people think it is sweet.

monkeytrousers · 30/03/2006 08:42

I used to get wrong for saying please and thankyou in Italy too - they I pissed everyone off for not saying it when I came back.

clairemow · 30/03/2006 11:00

How old before a child starts to understand the difference between sorry and please and thankyou? DS is nearly 2, and knows all the words, gets please right most of the time when he asks for something, but often says please instead of sorry when he's done something naughty, like yank my hair really hard! I don't think he has the concept of sorry at all really... just has stock responses to "what do you say?"!
Still, at least he does know the word...
like Jennypog's idea, now I'll apologise to myself when he pulls my hair or bites my shoulder.. we'll see how that goes.

Nightynight · 30/03/2006 11:21

yes, saying sorry is definitely a cultural thing. In other countries, British people can be quite unpopular for this. They are perceived as treading on people's feet and then saying sorry, instead of being careful!
I dont think I will ever be able to stop myself saying it though, it is a reflex action in all sorts of situations.

LooneyLaura · 30/03/2006 11:34

DD used to sorry Cheers instead of sorry! She knew that she was apologising but just mixed up the words. She just turned 3 and completely understands when she has done something wrong. If she doesnt, then I explain to her why it is wrong and she promises she wont do it again!!

When I was younger I lived with a Swedish family in Hamburg, Germany and I had to keep reminding the kids to say please and thank you if I helped them, made dinner, etc. The Swedes dont even have a word for please !!

I would prefer to be over the top and say it too many times than come across as rude. I hate it when I hold the door open and I dont even get a Ta for my effort.

I think kids learn by example. If I say thank you and please then my kids do the same. Other cultures focus on different things and that comes across differently to us Brits. I do find other cultures can be rude but I dont let in get to me.

Cristina7 · 30/03/2006 11:51

"They are perceived as treading on people's feet and then saying sorry, instead of being careful!"

Oh, my Dad loves this. He thinks British people are obsessed with "are you alright?", as in man has heart attack and is gasping for air, onlooker asks "are you alright?"

Elibean · 30/03/2006 11:54

Am half French, and IME the British lot say sorry much more than the French (not always appropriately), but the French (kids especially) are more polite to adults generally.

DD of course will be an exception

Kathy1972 · 30/03/2006 12:12

It's not just that the British stand on people's feet and then say sorry, but what really amuses people is the fact that we say sorry when someone else stands on our feet.

hugeheadofhair · 30/03/2006 18:16

I try to teach my children to say please/thankyou/sorry but I still have to remind them a LOT. They're 4 and 6. Perhaps it doesn't come natural to me, as I'm from a very direct speaking country (Holland), however I still think it's important because we're living here and this is the norm here. I am a naturally friendly/polite person though (if I may say so myself...) so I think I'm setting a good example. But still my DS1's teacher (who is German) thought DS1 was decidedly continental, even though he was born here... Cultural things might run deep.

eli70 · 30/03/2006 22:57

We Italians are definitely more direct and can be mistakenly considered rude by those we do not have a good grasp of our language - expressions other than sorry can convey the same idea e.g. the so called "courtesy form" used when addressing people we are not familiar with or the extensive use of the conditional tense.
Just another note to say to someone who says Italian children are rude etc... well they might be louder and spoilt by their mums, but I would not feel a bit intimidated by that. I'd be far more worried if my children had to be confronted each day with bullysm, violence and class-conscious distinctions that are unfortunately rampant in most of your schools.

paolosgirl · 30/03/2006 23:04

Reminds me of the time we were in Tuscany at a small farmhouse restaurant. All the British families arrived about 7ish, sat chatting and watched the sun go down whilst the kids played so nicely. A truly beautiful night. Then around 10.30, an Italian family arrived, argued with the staff who tried to persuade them that they were closed, argued with each other and let the kids run riot, shouting and screaming.

Didn't fell intimidated in the slightest - just very glad that we didn't have to face that same rudeness that is unfortunately rampant in most of your schools.

ruty · 31/03/2006 14:31

both descriptions are a bit generalaized tho aren't they? I mean i've met plenty of Brtish parents and children who are not particularly polite, who are loud and do not play 'nicely' together. From all classes.
I don't know much about Italian children, but i remember when dh and i were in Spain pre children at a restaurant by the sea, and little local children were running about and playing [very nicely] even though it was about 10pm. It always makes me feel better now if i can't get ds to bed!

koolkat · 31/03/2006 14:41

Oh, dear, not yet another nationality debate !

Generalisations of this kind just don't do any one a favour.

Eli70 totally agree with what you say about the "formal" form in other languages. In other languages you can be very polite just by switching to the formal form. I know this because DH speaks French and I understand German, both of which have a formal form.

I don't think it is true to say that all British schools or Italins schools are full of bullying rude kids.

Just from personal observation of friends and family from lots of different nationalities, I think it comes down to the family relationship.

Children brought up in polite families of ANY nationality, tend to be very polite.

paolosgirl · 31/03/2006 14:42

Yes, they are Ruty - get a little pigged off with negative comments about 'you Brits', and the things that that we do wrong, when there are problems with other cultures also.

koolkat · 31/03/2006 14:49

But paolosgirl, to be fair, you do make it sound as though ALL Italian children are rude, spoilt brats. That's a very nice or fair thing to say about a country of millions of inhabitants, is it ?

It seems you have had a bad experience with Italian kids, but my experince of Italy is quite the opposite. Italians love children and are very very kind with other people's children.

ruty · 31/03/2006 14:54

i guess we all get a bit defensive when we think we are/our culture is under attack. But there are a lot of things about being Europe with children that I like.

Cadmum · 31/03/2006 14:59

How fascinating that this thread is here today... I just asked DH last night if a child should be made to say that he/she is sorry for hurting another child. I can't help but think that in the 'heat of the moment' that a parent demanding an apology is basically asking the child to lie in order to follow a social convention. I think that I would prefer to have them say that they should not have hurt the other child and promise not to do it again...

(I haveuntil yesterdayalways encouraged my 3 to say that they are sorry knowing full well that they are NOT actually feeling sorry at the time the apology is made.)

koolkat · 31/03/2006 14:59

ruty - its funny what you say about Spanish kids staying up late. I get DS into bed at 8pm every night, but when we are abroad it's impossible, he wants to stay up late with the other kids !

koolkat · 31/03/2006 15:03

cadmum - excellent point. DS doesn't speak properly yet at 21 months, but when he is old enough I think I will be teaching him that the emotion behind the words is important too.

ruty · 31/03/2006 15:05

8pm? Sigh - [imaging ds going to bed at that time on a regular basis.] Mind you, he's half Macedonian, and over there kids also have a more 'flexible' bed time - so I'm blaming it on his genes!

They also don't have the need for lots of please and thankyous or sorrys - at fisrt it was a shock but then you get used to it - i think they feel it is a bit disingenuous to use them all the time, as I did when I first went out there.

ruty · 31/03/2006 15:05

imaging? Oh dear...

koolkat · 31/03/2006 15:11

ruty - we put him into bed at 8pm with his toys and books, but he doesn't actually fall asleep til about 9:30pm-ish ! We can hear him "talking" with his animals !!

koolkat · 31/03/2006 15:12

Gosh - Macedonia sounds grand ! Wasn't Alexander the Great a Macedonian ?

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