Mother-in-law insisting my son is autistic/has aspergers when he seems fine - HELP

[Marrsy]

I have had yet another meeting today with the special needs teacher at school regarding my 5yr old DS. Only reason we went is because yet agin the mother-in-law has been insisting my son has Aspergers (she used to say Autism from 2yr). She talks utter rubbish such as 'he lives in a fantasy world and doesn't understand the real world at all', this is utter BS and the school agree.

My DS has a few behavioural issues such as eating and textures and attention but the school have NO ISSUES whatoever and have known him since age 3. He is now in Year 1.

Husbands mum is an ex-teacher and keeps banging on that she knows what she's talking about and has lots of experience.

I hope you can understand this is very upsetting to hear about my DS and so worrying. I do not believe he is on the spectrum and neither does my husband but she will not let this go. She even said to me when he was 3 that I would have to be carful about what secondary school I picked for him because he would need 'lots of pastoral care' i.e. 'special needs' care.

I'm starting to think she is a bit mad and she is the one with behavioural problems. I am livid she is doing this, and making us look at our son differently.

Advice please??

Love that irony point Coppertop - she LOVES waxing lyrical about her own amazing experience and knowldge but then questions the expertise of those in the exact same position at DS's school. In fact, she questions the reading techniques, the books they use etc.. etc.. I stopped giving her any info about anything school related some time ago because I am so happy with his school and so is he so I don't want to listen to it.

I also remember when DS1 had a lisp and she said it wouldn't go away without therapy - it went on its own. DS2 also had a lisp which has gone of its own accord too. God she talks a load of utter shit frankly - she makes my blood boil, I passionately dislike her (moving rapidly to hate) yet she is the loved mother of my DH.

i think the lack of imagination is often more about thoery of mind rather than imaginaitve thinking, if that makes sence, in my limited experience and knowledge I personaly would scrap the whole lack of imagination concept and make more emphasis on the thoery of mind, which also has differening levels of development in individuals.

Op's last post, re her disdain and utter hatred of MIL is the route cause of the issue here.
Op thinks MIL is far too opinionated on schooling, lisps, possible ASD, et etc.
Possible ASD is not the issue here. Relationship between OP and MIL is the problem.
My MIL is a diamond, so I am not able to help out/offer any advice on that !!

Sounds like your MIL has a problem - she's entitled to have concerns about her grandson, but she's voiced them and you have dealt with it. I think she now needs to be told straight to butt out by your dh. Her behaviour is destructive and causing anxiety to you, and eventually your son will pick up on it too.

actually it is irrelevant whether he is ASD or not. It is the WAY she is going about things that is a huge problem.

She 'observes' him and sees him as defective, making snide comments to you the parents. This is extremely unkind and understandably stressful. How dare she treat you like that! Not a benign grandma imo.

He will pick up on this for sure and I wholeheartedly relate to you feeling the need to protect him from her. What a witch. If it were me I'm sure I would have snapped and avoided her at all costs.

I'm afraid DH or no DH this is not an argument I would back down over. If your DH has had to have therapy because of her can he not see what she is doing to your son? I would not be allowing any unsupervised access in this situation.

Obviously keep involving the school in his progress and any concerns you might have. You have instincts as parents when something is wrong don't let her undermine those and don't let her spoil your enjoyment of your son as I suspect the last few years will have been riddled with anxiety about his 'condition' and 'diagnosis'.

No Obmolov - the original issue here is my MIL forming an opinion on my son when he was only two and NOT LETTING IT GO, despite our protestations and action with relevant specialists and GP's. The relationship between her and me is as a consequence of this situation - it has broken down and I never said I feel 'utter hatred' for her!

The relationship can improve if she butts out and stops insisting my son has a ASD when the rest of world thinks he's fine

the root cause of the issue is certainly the MIL!

"she makes my blood boil, I passionately dislike her (moving rapidly to hate) yet she is the loved mother of my DH."

well, think of me then, for me, this character is my own mother!!!!

You already know I want to shoot your MIL. However, I very much doubt it is necessary to stop her having access to your son. I would never dream of doing this with my own mother.

What I'm trying to say here is - withdrawing access completely might actually make grandma's weird ideas loom larger in your son's head than just shrugging .... I wouldn't threaten it, she will just take that threat and make herself a martyr. It will hand her more power. I'm assuming she's like my mum here....

the thought of someone scrutinizing a child looking for a defect and the idea that they would feel quite smug at finding one makes my skin crawl. That's why I would not want a person like this to be alone with my child unsupervised.

I thought I'd give my opinion as the grandmother of autistic twins aged 5. The hardest conversation I've ever had was with my daughter when I told her that I thought the twins may be on the spectrum. I'm no expert but one of my sons has Aspergers and I just knew something was not quite normal with the boys. She had concerns herself but put them down to a premature birth and a number of other reasons. We took them to our G.P who got the ball rolling to have them assessed and they were both diagnosed with autism when they were 2. Since then they have had lots of early intervention help and attend a school for autistic children and are making huge progress. My daughter says she was in denial and was grateful that I voiced my concerns otherwise they may have gone undiagnosed. I am not for one minute saying that you are in denial, you know your child but I'm sure your MIL took no pleasure in suggesting your child is on the spectrum and only wants what is best for him. Maybe you could ask your G.P for a referral and have him assessed by specialists and then it would silence her for good.

Moon with all due respect, you neither known the Mother nor the Grandmother and you can't be "sure that the Gran" wants the best for the child.

The OP is satisfied the child is fine...as is his teacher.

but OP doesn't have concerns (or wouldn't have if MIL would STFU) nor does the school and nor does OP's mum.

She isn't in denial because she has followed up with the GP and with the school like a responsible parent might. They've asked her to stop going on about it but she continues in a nasty way.

Really I'm having trouble with the concept that she can be a 'concerned' benign granny and not know that her approach so far has caused nothing but distress, anxiety and bad feeling.

I agree brass the Grandmother sounds unbalanced.

That's me told! I didn't say the op was in denial, I gave my advice which is what she asked for.

Moon you gave your experience...but yours was very different and as the parent of a child with AS, you were more qualified.

I am sure MIL thinks she is doing what's best but sadly it is with no regard for how we feel. She is like a dog with a bone, I've said that before on the thread - it is almost as though she will not stop until this goes her way. It seems she is unable to listen to our opinion because she is so obsessed with her own. I have met her halfway and taken her seriously by taking her concerns on board, speaking to the school and to the GP. This was very hard for me, I didn't believe it myself but accepted she was an 'expert' or a special needs teacher anyway.

None of this has made a difference and despite the distress she continues to make comments. Clearly completely convinced in her 'diagnosis' and to hell with everyone else.

This is unacceptable behaviour and destructive. I came on here originally to see what others thought and that seems to be the general feeling - she needs to STFU

I think that's right Marrsy.

If she's like my mother, stern words don't work, ultimata definitely don't work.
Sometimes though she will surprise me - sometimes she will let slip a remark that shows she has actually thought about something I've said - but it's part of the dynamic of our relationship that she can't admit this. It sounds like something comparable is happening to your DH and you - claiming (inappropriately) this authority role makes your MIL feel necessary in some way.

It's possible to do evil without being evil.Cutting her off will cause your DH great sorrow.

Have you been able to observe her with your DS without her knowing you are watching? Are you happy with how she behaves with him? Because if so, one fallback option is to say "right, well, if that's what you think, he will clearly need lots of warm interactive nurturing - will you be part of that team?" And then let her spend more, not less, time with him, and when she tries to report in say "well at least he's getting lots of lovely loving time with his grandma - that's your job, it's very important, we need you to concentrate on that, we will take care of school". Stanley Greenspan wrote a lot about the role of people like grandmas for children who might have challenges.

Needy people are like toddlers - you have to find some positive outlet for their misplaced energies.