Mother-in-law insisting my son is autistic/has aspergers when he seems fine - HELP

[Marrsy]

I have had yet another meeting today with the special needs teacher at school regarding my 5yr old DS. Only reason we went is because yet agin the mother-in-law has been insisting my son has Aspergers (she used to say Autism from 2yr). She talks utter rubbish such as 'he lives in a fantasy world and doesn't understand the real world at all', this is utter BS and the school agree.

My DS has a few behavioural issues such as eating and textures and attention but the school have NO ISSUES whatoever and have known him since age 3. He is now in Year 1.

Husbands mum is an ex-teacher and keeps banging on that she knows what she's talking about and has lots of experience.

I hope you can understand this is very upsetting to hear about my DS and so worrying. I do not believe he is on the spectrum and neither does my husband but she will not let this go. She even said to me when he was 3 that I would have to be carful about what secondary school I picked for him because he would need 'lots of pastoral care' i.e. 'special needs' care.

I'm starting to think she is a bit mad and she is the one with behavioural problems. I am livid she is doing this, and making us look at our son differently.

Advice please??

Yes I believe she has genuine concerns and if you did a checklist he shows a few on the AS BUT, he is developing and improving all the time.

All children are developing all the time, by this do you mean he does have a developmental delay (I don't just mean as a summer baby catching up to autumn children)?

Your posts are a bit confusing - you say the school has no issues with him, but you are in contact with a special needs teacher, do you mean the SENCo as most primary schools do not have a dedicated SEN teacher.

As Pagwatch says it does seem as if you may have some concerns she may be right, otherwise why go to the GP or ask teachers about it if you are confident that he is not on the spectrum.

busker she obviously means the SENCO and stated that the only reason she spoke to her was that the nagging from MIL had pushed her to do it. If we're nagged at, then we often begin to doubt things. OP was checking things out with an expert.

Just a word of warning, most sencos are not experts in sen at all, senco is seen as an administrative role in most cases, there to refer on to specialists.

Do you think she may well be on the spectrum?

Really Panda??? I was under the impression that they "knew stuff"!?

Sounds like she has a variant of Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy .

From what you've said the main 'issues' your DS has are fussy eating and some tantrums...er... if you've been on MN any length of time you'll know that is totally NT 'spectrum' behaviour.

Nope senco don't have to receive any extra training for their roles

These comments have seriously helped. Yes, she IS making it all about her isn't she? And why label him, it changes nothing. He's a little bit quirky but so am I so he's his mothers son and MIL is so straight you could do your ironing on her (which I might actually do if she carries on with this interference).

Dh is going to have strong words with her and if she doesn't back off this time then I will cut off contact.

I am dreading seeing her again now after all this. Haven't spoken to her in four weeks since she labelled him. I will have to have a big old glass of something and put on my best false smile ;)

Big Witch yes sadly there are far more Sencos who know nothing about sen than there are specialists. Occasionally you will find one who has a special interest in some aspect of sen and may have done some training but most simply fill in forms and paperwork to refer on to outside agencies for advice. I meet between six and eight a week, it's scary how little knowledge and understanding some of them have.

Just in response to Thebuskersdog - none of these 'issues' would have occurred to me if she hadn't kept talking about him being on the spectrum. Because she has pushed us constantly and because my husband is hugely influenced by her I have had to speak to doctors and the school for peace of mind. My husband has started treating him differently because of her opinions. I couldn't just stand back and let that carry on.

The special needs teacher at DS's school is fully trained in Autism and runs focus groups such as 'gross motor skills' and 'literacy' to give kids extra help.

I agree with gasguzzler, it is a form of in-direct abuse - awful situation

you say he has a good imagination.... that is something that people on the autistic spectrum don't have. They find it difficult to empathise, role play, pretend and think from a different perspective.
your MIL sounds a bit strange and it appears that she wants either attention, the power of making descisions and to boast about her 'expert' medical knowlegde.
Like someone else says, tell her about the school's lack of concern and don't accept anything else.

the issue is, whether he is on the spectrum or not, the little boy is devloping and meeting milestones and so is not experiencing any adversity. So currently it is not nessesary to be making observations and labouring the point as MIL has been doing.

Op you clearly understand your little boy very well and his uniquness and quircks, whether these are the result of AS or not you are experiencing no problems in helping your son develop. I would keep your own concerns as real and continue to manage those as you are.

Im afariad I would have to be dealing with this with MIL a little more proactive, ie, If we hear any autism talk again then you will no longer have any contact with Ds alone, and furthermore if you continue to push this then we will respond from withdrawing from you each time it is mentioned.

As your ds gets older and becomes aware of all this conflict over jis percived difficulties, this could have very damaging effects for him.

We had a big talk with her when this first raised it's head a couple of years ago. We had made the innocent mistake of asking her for her opinion and it has all snowballed from there.

I do understand my son well (most of the time), he's pretty amazing actually but she just sees him as defective. My biggest problem now is making my husband understand I don't want her taking care of him because of the potentially damaging long-term effects. My husband seems to be on my side since latest school reassurance but he does not get the fact I feel the need to protect DS from MIL and doesn't accept it.

...woops, further to my last post. We asked her opinion about his behaviour at that time because it was pretty bad. He was a FULL ON toddler but all of that has changed and calmed right down since school. We were just two unsure parents wanting a bit of advice on a tearaway toddler. Look where we are now!!

I have to say that I just don't know what to make of this.
I just can't work out the MIL. Is she toxic or incredibly well imformed.
AS or HFA is incredibly difficult. Often a child who appears to be coping and functioning well, is sooooo NOT.
Senco have minimal training and are not equiped to diagnose.
It is commonplace, as occured to my ds, that the school insist he is fine, no problems, and will never get a diagnosis. Guess what? He did. My experience is typical rather than atypical.
BigWitches views of senco's is common. That is not her fault. People expect them to know what they are doing. Lisa, Pag and I have been around on the SN boards for years, and thus know that the norm is that they actually haven't got a clue, especiually with HFA.

Mysticmugbug can I just mention that people on the autistic spectrum can gave excellent imagination skills. It's a common misconception and whilst it CAN be an indicator for some children on the spectrum it's not the case for all. Similarly sone children on the spectrum have good eye contact and some don't

At the end of the day, a label is only useful if it enables you to obtain something that your child needs and is unable to obtain any other way.

Your ds doesn't seem to need anything, he's happy, developing, has friends and a school that is able to deal with him successfully.

In due course you'll choose a secondary school that you think is right for him. If any of us has a child who is quirky, sensitive, emotionally immature or whatever, we choose a school that seems to be able to support our child the best given these character traits. It really doesn't matter what (if anything) causes those traits, they are just part of and parcel of our child, and should be viewed as such rather than as a separate thing.

Can have not can gave

From the op I honestly can't say what is going on. I would say if you are happy and your child is happy then you don't need to seek further advice. All I would say is that if further down the line your ds seems to struggle and you have worries don't discount Seeking help just because you don't want a big I told you so from your mil!

For what it's worth my ds has ASD and I wouldn't appreciate any interference or opinions from family members either!

And I would also say that I have a friend who's daughter I personally believe is on the spectrum too but I have never and would never even hint at it to the mum. Even if she raised a concern with me I would just advise her to speak with her dr first.

The irony that she considers herself an expert because of being an ex-SEN teacher, yet doesn't consider the SEN staff at your ds' school to be experts.

I think you both have to present a united front here. Even if your ds were to be assessed tomorrow and found to be on the spectrum, MIL's interference isn't going to end at "I told you so". She'll have an opinion on everything from which school he should go to, which therapies he needs, and will no doubt be trying to pressure your dh into agreeing with her.

I would add though that the idea that children with ASD don't have imagination is a myth. One of mine with ASD has an entire imaginary country that he has designed in his head. He can tell you about the various groups of people who live there, the resources they require, and has even started to make up a new language for them.

Personally I would be very tempted to tell the MIL to piss off - or at least suggest to DH that he finds a way of telling her this. Tell her too that if she cannot and will not stop mentioning this then she is not welcome to see your son.

As a teacher I personally think we are actually pretty darn good at spotting the children with difficulties. Many children with Asperger's/HF autism do not show many signs in a primary school but show very real difficulties in secondary with the room changes and puberty hitting. Anyway regardless of this fact your child has been looked at multiple times by the school and found to be fine. Don't let your MIL interfere in this: it is not her place.

Whether she is speaking from a position of love or not, she is crossing the boundaries in your family and she needs to stop before she destroys her relationship with you, her son and grandson.

Many, many children have sensitivities to sound, textures, smell etc. My own DD is like this - some food textures and smells have literally made her vomit. A friend cannot wear short sleeves - he has to have his arms covered up. It is not unusual to have these and it does not prove in any way your child is on the autistic spectrum.

Tell your MIL you have had enough. You have listened to it for years, noted her concerns, consulted educated experts with all the current diagnostic tools, talked to your GP and had your son checked. Whilst you appreciate she has spoken out of concern the subject is closed between you. Remind your MIL that her role is to be the loving grandmother - nothing more. You are the parents. If she raises it again in your house, ask her to leave. If she raises it in her house; leave. If she talks about it in front of your son tell her she can't see him.

Also remind her that at this age a rich, imaginative life is a good thing - not a sign the child is not living in reality! My child routinely sits in the car with an entire imaginary class of children with her that she is teaching, whilst her imaginary horse gallops behind us. I think it is wonderful - not a sign of a communicative disorder!

Tell her that your ds is a clever thing because he has already sussed that his dreadful granny is watching him and not treating him like a loving granny but like some sad ex SEN teacher who wants a project to get her hands into and validate her existence. That is why he doesn't make eye contact with her - not because he is autistic.

And then go through every other symptom that she is ticking him off against - the ones she thinks he has and the ones he doesn't - and show that he is doing fine on everything apart from being a fussy eater. And whilst that is something that is a single symptom, on it's own it means nothing more, nothing less than you have a fussy eater. As do a significant proportion of other parents of 5 year olds! (I have a fussy 7 year old eater, who also has a fantastic imagination, is good at maths, bad at spelling and throws tantrums every now and then. Nobody has ever thought to say he has aspergers or autism - he's just a typical 7 year old boy!)

Every time she starts off on this again, I would start throwing concerned remarks back at her about needing to take her to the doctor's as she's getting confused with what is in plain sight in front of her (normal little boy) or because she is willing to label your son as something he is not in order to show she is an expert at something... Point out that it is her problem, that she is obviously going senile if she keeps going on and on about this and keeps forgetting that you have already spoken to the proper, current and up to date experts at your local school, several times and they keep telling you he is fine. She is obviously becoming very forgetful if she keeps forgetting this and you will have to see if she needs to move into carer controlled accommodation if she is having such problems with her memory. [evil grin] and just keep on every time she mentions it about her having a problem with her memory and not being able to love ds unconditionally and properly like a grandmother should. Should make her all uncomfortable and stop!

Oh and send her onto gransnet to let them sort her out!

I would guess that she can't let go of the SEN teacher role, that's how she identifies herself. So as she no longer has students to work with, she's making herself useful (in her imaginary world) as an 'expert' on your DS.

I agree with other posters, you and your DH need to both tell her firmly and politely, that you have listened to her opinion, you've spoken to the school, and they do not have any concerns. The subject is now closed and if she continues to speak about it, against your wishes, then you will have to take a break from seeing her.