4mo always cries at bed time

[Milanese]

Hello everyone,

My 4mo DS always always always cries at nap- and bedtimes. I've tried winding down earlier and earlier, cuddling and soothing, singing, bath, story etc... to find a way of encouraging him and teaching him that sleepy time should be a nice, comforting quiet time, but since 3 months I've never been able to put him to bed without some crying.

Also, his sleep "window" is quite small and he very easily becomes overtired, which can lead to total hysteria.

Anyone have any tips on making bedtime pleasant, or should I just go with the flow?

Thank you all!

Go with the flow. Too young to have a bedtime and should never be left on their own at that age anyway.

Milanese don't be vilified for having a routine I really do object to comments like the previous one - each to their own anyone? you have clearly chosen to go down the structured route (as we did with DD) and apart from a few niggles if it is working for you stick with it. DD used to do this and we would shush pat a d sway - we also used dummy and I used to sing. When she was very very over tired we used to leave her to cry and usually she would be out like a light within minutes - felt awful but she is now a very happy 3 year old with an excellent bedtime routine and doesnt seem to have suffered any after affects!

Thanks!

I can follow an approximate 7/7:30 bedtime because he just can't last any longer in the day. He usually gives me some sleepy signals between 6:30 and 7. As soon as I see them we go down to get ready for bed. Even if I follow his lead, he still cries- even in my arms. He won't take a soother.

Guess I'm just being a softy!

Thank you so much steben. I am desperately trying to follow a routine but having a great deal of difficulty these days. Some days work perfectly, others are completely haywire. Trying to persevere though.

Perhaps he's just a cryer! He's certainly quite a sensitive baby, compared with my DD who is now almost 3.

There's quite a lot of development that happens between 3-5 months do maybe that's why he's getting tired easily and not easy to settle? I've found it hard that age. Gets easier again after 6 months (I found with mine anyway).

Don't worry too much at bedtime, just keep it early and settle him which ever way works best and he'll be ok soon im sure.

Hi, go with the flow, definitely. At 4mo my LO cried before every sleep, we chose to sit with him (which may well be impossible with an older child). Sometimes it'd take an hour to get him to sleep for 40 mins. He sounds like your baby, small window of sleep opportunity and he cannot cope with tiredness. I never routined him, instead went with his routine, picked up on his tired signals then followed through. Because of this at 1 yo now he loves his cot, feels safe and knows how to get back to sleep. He sleeps through with a 2h lunchtime nap. Good luck!

I'm pretty sure all mine cried before each sleep at that age. I think carry on exactly as you are doing and he will probably get the idea eventually. I had a routine from three months, but I have to say the twins (now one) slept more reliably once they had started solids around six months.

Steben, you object?

OP asked if she shoukd go with the flow. I said yes. It was supportive.

I also mentioned the SIDS safety advice about never leaving a child alone before 6 months.

OP you might find this helpful

I'm very encouraged to read that other little ones cried before every sleep too. Thank you. I'll keep going and hopefully he'll grow out of it.

Interesting link. He does wake once a night, but I've recently stopped feeding him at that time as if I do, he refuses to eat in the morning and will continue to refuse until lunchtime, throwing me totally off-kilter and making hungry time a guessing game. I also noticed that he goes back to sleep in the night without a feed and doesn't wake up again, which in my books indicates he's not hungry.

My concern anyway was more about making bedtime happier, but I guess some babies are just built this way!

Oh and P.S., he's not alone- sleeps in a cot beside my bed, and I do have to help him a little to get back to sleep after his nightly wakeup.

Milanase, - do you go to bed when he does?

Around that age, we went through a period of having to rock/sway/swing/bounce/jiggle DS to sleep most nights (and usually for naps as well). Otherwise he'd cry and wouldn't settle. It lasted for a couple of months, and then it stopped. I was afraid that I was setting myself up, but he's great at falling asleep on his own now.
It was a little bit annoying, but I kind of liked it as it was a good workout for my arms and core muscles...

No, I put him down 7:00-ish then go to bed when I give him his dreamfeed around 11/12.

I've thought the same re: working out! In the summer he loved a fabulous side-step and sway which was a perfect thigh/bottom toner. Now he hates that though.

So between 7-11 he is alone?

Ok, I can see where you are going with this, yes he is alone from 7-11 but to be honest the SIDS guidelines I was aware of were more about a safe, proper sleep environment and not about stapling my eyes open to watch him 24 hours a day.

He's probably more "alone" the hours I'm sleeping, regardless of being beside him, because the deafening sound of a baby no longer breathing would probably not wake one up. I'm sure, however, that my highly sensitive baby monitor would pick up such particular sounds as a baby going silent.

I'll be sure to tell him, the next time he sleeps 8 hours through the night, that he really shouldn't do that as it technically increases his "alone time" and therefore his risk of SIDS. He'll be no doubt thrilled with the news of all-night parties in his cot, and even more delighted to segue right into severe separation anxiety. Yay for hyper-attachment parenting!

Mil, absolutely no need to be sarky. I was just checking that you understood the guidelines, and good job, because you don't seem to.

You don't need to be near him to watch him. You need to be close to him as sounds of movement prevents him from falling into a dangerously deep sleep where he stops breathing, and during the night other people's breathing help him regulate his.

Research has shown that baby monitors have zero effect at preventing cot death. However, there is 'some' research that shows the can make a difference if reversed, if on occasion you do risk leaving the baby alone I.e having them so the baby hears YOU downstairs rather than you hear him.

Your post upset me. I was trying to help.

I'm sorry to have upset you. DS was being difficult, I was distracting myself by replying from my phone- not a good combination. Truce?

Would love some reliable sources about breathing sounds of others preventing SIDS. There's certainly no mention of this in any of the books in my large pile. Thanks!

I'll see if I can find them.

In the meantime there's this from a very quick google.

some of the research is listed in this article

Thanks for these. It's very interesting.

The Dr. Sears article had some good points, but he is controversial and I'm somewhat dubious of some of his arguments. For one, he's consistent in citing authors only where convenient; you'll note, however, that he says "studies show" for some of the more controversial ideas. The mother-child breathing sync I'm sure is a natural occurence, but as a way of preventing SIDS it's wholly theoretical.

Well Mil, I don't especially want to get into an argument about it. This was my area of expertise once before I got pulled violently into the SN World. Most of it i now get from my midwife cousin who has taken up a research post, and I tend to blindly believe what she says.

Anyhow. The information is out there for you to review. More than DR Sears I believe and you are of course at liberty to review it and make your own decisions about what constitutes risk and the levels you are prepared to take.

I hope things get easier quickly. Good luck.

I think crying at sleep time is perfectly normal at this age. They are too little to understand the link between tiredness and needing sleep, and also find it difficult to tell the difference between feeling tired and feeling sad (the two sensations are quite similar!). Their thought process, if they could speak, would be something like "I'm really really tired and I want you to make the tired go away and it's making me cross and sad and you are trying to make me lie down and close my eyes and be still which is DIFFICULT and I'm too tired to cooperate". In a few months time he will start to understand that sleep makes the tireness go away and so will be less sad.

The previous poster has explained it perfectly I think, I even found it helpful to tell DS he was just tired and needed to go to sleep in a soothing voice. Tiredness must be horrid if you don't know what it is or how to fix it. I instigated a bedtime routine at 12 weeks and so LO was left for a few hours in the evening so DH and I could eat and relax before the night shift. If it works for you too don't feel guilty for it.

Ditto what the previous poster said. Also how long is he awake for before bed? When is his last nap? I think its really common for babies to cry a little before sleep as a way of winding down.

Re: sids I don't know of many mums that would either keep a baby of 4-6m downstairs till they go to bed, or go to bed at 7pm (for example) when they do?

Piemistress I do just that - mine is 4 months just now, he falls asleep around now (usually on the breast) and before thar he has a bath and is dressed for the night. He then goes into his pram (carrycot style) in the living room until one of us goes to bed, when he is carried through to his crib.

I did not do this with ds1 but I did not properly understand the guidelines then.