DD bullying DS for faaaaar too long. It needs to stop now but I don't know how.

[FredWorms]

DS is 13, DD is 11 and they have a younger brother who's 6. DD (middle child) has bullied her older brother on and off for several years, yes, years, and I just don't know how to make it stop.

She is never kind to him and she speaks to him like dirt from morning until night. He will come down in the morning, bright new day, and say "Morning Sis!". She will either ignore him, grunt, or throw him a disgusted look. She calls him fat, stupid, she scoffs at everything he says and everything he does. He either ignores or resorts to shouting and occasionally lashes out, usually hair-pulling, and is pretty much instantly remorseful.

We've tried everything. Ignoring bad behaviour, rewarding good, punishments (withdrawal of privileges, sending to her room) and everything we do seems to make her more resentful of him and to hate him more. We live in a very small house and it's hard to keep them physically apart, which wouldn't be dealing with the problem anyway. I've tried saying she doesn't have to like him but we expect certain standards of behaviour, but she is utterly intransigent. She has never, ever shown any sign of regret or remorse.

He is puzzled, bewildered and his self-esteem is dented, to say the least.

They are very different characters.He is kind, stoic, considerate, a deep-thinker, totally un-sporty and a self-confessed nerd with a profound sense of fairness. She is very competitive, quick-witted, grabs life with both hands and can be very caring and loving. She has to win, be the first, the best, and often succeeds! I think part of it is that she cannot stand the fact that he is the eldest and gets to do/learn everything before her, but she has a plethora of experiences (not to mention certificates) that are unique to her.

Their younger brother is pretty much adored by all, particularly his sister which adds to the hurt for her older brother.

One of my children is suffering, another of my children is the cause, I love them equally and I don't know what to do.

I'd particularly love to speak with anyone who's been through similar? Maybe there are books that could help?

I really do have to do some work now. Back later, and thanks

Do you prefer one of them to the other and do you think this might be apparent to them? I ask as I sometimes wonder if this might be one of the reasons my children squabble (similar to yours - younger dd vile to older ds). I love them both equally, but ds is just like me and dd is nothing like me so I find ds easier to relate to. I try not to act on this, but sometimes I think dd may see this.

I second to try reading 'Siblings without Rivalry' it has some excellent insights and suggestions how to understand and change negative sibling relationships.

Good luck OP, it sounds like such a hard family issue but I'm sure you can work through it, nothing is irreversible.

Sorry but I haven't read the entire thread so may be adding what has already been said but I wouldn't beat yourself up over it . In my opinion some siblings just don't get on like some people don't get on. My DS is 7 years older than my DD and they have never really got on , he liked being an only child . To make a tolerable living environment I just expect civility and politeness, the rule here is if you can't say something nice say nothing. My DD I always lovely to him and a he has got older he has on occasion been very kind to her, but we just dont push the you are siblings you should love each other line. I think as they get older they will at leat be friendly enough to get together occasionally nd that's all I expect. So in my opinion you should just tell your daughter to back off , ou should make sure you spend quality time with both individually and stop worrying about it .

Apologies for all the spelling errors in that post I blame the iPad .

I really feel for you, OP. My eldest niece has bullied her younger sister for 11 years, more or less since she was born. The older DN can give no reasons as to why she does it either.
The idea of a new start like Iawn suggests seems a good one, each child has their positive aspects acknowledged but the new rules for civility are made very clear.
Good luck, I'd say it's a positive thing that your DD didn't used to do this, hopefully you can get out of the rut.

Is there a way to engage them both in an activity together? Since, as you're already aware, punishing your daughter will make her more resentful and maybe worsen her behaviour, not punishing her will make your son feel like he comes second or like his feelings dont matter.

Maybe get them doing a task where they have to work together for a common goal, she will develop respect for him then, even if they don't become best friends. Eg, if they can successfully make dinner together for the family they each get a desert of their choosing? Or if they are on the same team in a game? I don't know, you'll know much better what kind of activity they would engage in, perhaps it might need to be something that's outside the home run by an organisation of some kind.

The aim though is to get them working together

HTH and good luck!

Is there a way to engage them both in an activity together? Since, (as you're already aware), punishing your daughter will make her more resentful and maybe worsen her behaviour, not punishing her will make your son feel like he comes second or like his feelings dont matter.

Maybe get them doing a task where they have to work together for a common goal, she will develop respect for him then, even if they don't become best friends. Eg, if they can successfully make dinner together for the family they each get a desert of their choosing? Or if they are on the same team in a game? I don't know, you'll know much better what kind of activity they would engage in, perhaps it might need to be something that's outside the home run by an organisation of some kind. Also do lots as a family, it will help bond them together without it

HTH and good luck!

Whoops. Sorry for double post, silly iPad...