Please help, I have the nightmare child

[narkynorks]

Please help with any advice for my 18 month DD. She is SO challenging, everything is becoming a total battleground with her. Every day it is such a struggle - getting dressed, nappy changes, brushing teeth, putting her in car seat/pram/high chair, brushing hair, cutting nails...EVERYTHING!

Anything which requires her to co-operate even slightly is a battle as she screams, fights, wriggles away and has now started biting She bit her big bro today because he wouldn't share his toy with her

I have tried all the usual distraction techniques, ignoring the tantrums, disciplining if she is really naughty, but she is getting worse. I am at my wits end - I burst out in tears today when I was trying to put her in her car seat as she just fought me so much and I ended up (as is frequent) having to physically pin her in the seat to get the buckle done and I felt like such a bad mother. Why can I not get her to co-operate ever?

I could have written this word for word.

No advise from me sorry.

We do have some very limited success with distracting her when going in car seat etc. Usually with a biscuit or snack.

It is getting to the point where I'm avoiding going anywhere at all with dd2 as the battles and constant moaning is unbearable.

It's awful. I love her so much and between times she is such a sweet and funny wee girl, but when she kicks off she is a TERROR! It seems to be happening much more often with more serious results (e.g. the biting) and I don't know how much more I can take. She isn't even 2 yet - does it get worse???

Oh god I hope it doesn't get worse!

I have 2 older dc and they never had tantrums like this, ever!

Dd is also really sweet and funny but as soon as she try time get her to do something she doesn't want it is hell.

Don't even get me started on bed time

What age is your DD Mike?

I have a DS who is 3.2 and he is the total opposite - gentle, kind, co-operative, so keen to please. He is really forgiving to his wee sis as well - when she bit him today he cried for a while, then just said 'It's ok now, all done with bite'.

I don't think I have treated DD any differently to DS at all, but I keep wondering if I've had less time for her due to her being 2nd child and so close together in age, and if that is the reason for her tantrums. Is it attention seeking? Is it my fault she is like this?

No. It gets better. Distraction. Ensure your face/voice say "what fun we are having" rather than "I want to do unspeakable violent things!". Sing. Say "look a rhino". Have snacks, toys, favourite cuddly toy available. Music in the car. Pick your battles and don't expect any one activity to last very long.
FWIW I just persuaded my 2.5 yr old to bed by explaining what we were doing next. Good as gold (crosses fingers)

PS tantrums decrease when language increases and they can communicate. In the meantime try pointing and signing. If they can control some things mine seemed happier. (eg choose yellow or red peppers when shopping. ) Could just be I have controlling kids!?!

I know what you're saying wolfie about picking battles, but it is battles over necessities we're having, like getting dressed, changing nappies, going into car seat etc. I haven't even started trying to set boundaries with other things yet as I can't face any further confrontations beyond these.

I have tried the 'fun/singing/laughing when you feel like crying' which works occasionally, and DS is a good help too as I get him to play games for DD to copy - "Let's all brush our hair now" - but it's only good when she is in a co-operative mood.

Think you could be right re. language though - probably a lot of it is frustration [she says hopefully]

Forgot another of her 'endearing' traits - if I scold her she sticks her fingers down her throat to make herself sick.

at unspeakable violence face! I know this feeling. Nappies im having murder with & getting dressed.

Ds twists my skin on my hands as he seems to relise it hurts, bites, and hear its the floor.

I was an awful little girl and used to hold my breath until I turned blue. Karma for me!

Sorry headbutts the floor.

i've got one too
dd2 is 22mo, and the first word that springs to mind when i think about her is "defiant". TBH i have almost become hardened to it now

when she refuses to do something she gets a gentle reminder, and an invitation to decide how it's done e.g. "we need to clean your teeth - shall we do it in the kitchen or the bathroom". sometimes, although not as often as I'd like, giving back a tiny bit of choice and control helps.

mostly she is given a second warning "we will count to three and then mummy will just do it". again, this works sometimes.
the rest of the time we get to three, i crack on, she screams, people stare, i and i refuse to give a shiny shit.

She is 20mo.

I do all of the singing/ignoring etc and again have limited success with it.

My other dc are a bit older (11-8) and they are such a help. Dd2 idolises them both.

I do the counting thing too Stanley but usually she just uses the counting time to run away from me!

Is good to know I'm not the only one, I just wish I knew the answer as I actually dread any day I'm at home all day as it seems like we just go from one battle to the next from morning to night. So weary with it all.

Choose you battles carefully. Seriously consider missing out on some of the hairbrushing, face washing, car journeys etc if at all possible simply to help your own sanity. Don't try to make something happen unless you're prepared to carry it through.

Then be completely calm and consistent. Literally keep calm and carry on.

It is hell while it lasts but she will eventually learn that there are some things in life you will insist on and she just can't fight them. If she needs to be in her car seat and won't go willingly you are being a good parent by making her. You are most certainly not a bad mother!

There is no shortcut, only ways to make it last longer. Be very clear in your expectations and don't give her lots of chances. Ask her to sit still or whatever it is you need of her, give her one warning then make her do it anyway with minimum force and minimum fuss. Once it's done forgive and forget immediately. One day she will start to heed the warnings. It will only last longer if you are inconsistent or give her lots of chances in the hope she'll give in and you won't have to force things.

I know this sounds harsh and I may well be flamed for recommending it but children are happier and more secure when the parent caring for them is calm and manages firm, consistent boundaries.

Stick it out. It will get better.

Thanks Timandra, that is what I have been trying to do but have just been getting worn down recently. I will keep trying, and I do believe it has to improve (hopefully soon!) I just keep telling myself that her obstinate nature determined streak will stand her in good stead when she is older and having to compete for a job!

My only suggestions were as already mentioned lots of choices, getting in the car seat - would you like to climb in yourself? Lots of opportunities for her to be independent.

Mummy do it or you do it? Type of thing.

Do you give her warnings that you are going to do things?

Teach her baby sign language to give her a means to communicate with you?

Yea Random, I do talk to her to let her know what I want her to do. Usually consists of a few minutes of giving her opportunity to co-operate after telling her what is going to happen, followed by warning her it'll happen regardless of what she does, but she seems to take delight in pushing the boundaries every time. I think I could count on one hand the number of times she has willingly co-operated, and usually that's because something takes her attention momentarily.

I don't know much about baby sign language, will have to find out more as that could help.

Thanks everyone, I definitely hit a real low with it all today as the last week or two she has been especially defiant, and although I know there is no quick solution it's great to have some support and advice to help get through. I keep telling myself it is a phase that will pass, but good to hear others tell me that too.

All children try it on and will have a real go at pushing your buttons to see how much they can get away with. Don?t worry about that. It?s how you deal with it / what you allow her to get away with that counts.

Don?t feel guilty about physically pinning her down to get her fastened into her seat or get her dressed etc. She will create holy hell for as long as she can whilst you?re trying to do things gently and taking your time over it. It?s knackering and can drive you to the brink of madness at times but don?t ever give in or back down because it seems the easiest thing to do at the time.

If you let her know exactly which one of you calls the shots now, it?ll save you a lot of hassle in the long-run, honestly.

Digging my heels in and making sure I came out victorious at the end of every standoff gave me energy when my kids and my nieces / nephews were younger. I?d almost will them to push their luck that bit further because it gave me permission to be a right awkward, stubborn sod and go one better.

Dt2 went through an awful phase around 18 months when I had to pin him down to dress him or do anything. He has got better as communication has improved, even just learning to point to a bird and sign bird. I think it helped him balance all the things I was telling him. Easiest way to learn dome baby signs is to watch something special on cbeebies, but you can also just make them up. Nappies got easier when he learnt to hold his nose to say poo, for example, as he spend the whole nappy change telling me he'd done a poo and me saying yes, you done a poo. Over and over again. V boring, but better than holding down a screaming poo boy.

Think my DD my have a similar sort of determined streak as it seems you have Parly! Am smiling at how you enjoyed coming out on top when they were challenging - maybe that's the mental attitude I need to take and see it more as a challenge than a nightmare.

Been there, done that, got 3 T-shirts .
Remember the mantra "It's a phase"
Have you tried, when trying to get her into the car seat to tickle her tummy/blow raspberry on tummy - anything to get her to laugh. It is much harder for a toddler to force themselves out a chair when they are laughing, so catch them in quickly as they collapse into it, iyswim.

You say above that you give her a few minutes to cooperate, then give her a warning before you make it happen regardless. That sounds like the right approach but you need to make sure that the situation progresses in a very predictable pattern every time.

Children are more likely to push boundaries if they are flexible and slightly unpredictable. So if you are going to give her some chances to cooperate always give her the same number of chances and always use the same words to warn her that her time is running out. For example if you are counting to five then don't ever add in halves and quarters to spin it out because then she won't be able to work out how long she has and will keep pushing. If she knows that when you get to five the inevitable always happens she's more likely to give in at four.

Make her opportunity to cooperate a fairly short, very simply, firmly managed process in which the language used is consistent and clear so she know exactly what will happen and when.

I think you're right that her determined streak will serve her well in later life. It's just a PITA for you right now