Please help, I have the nightmare child

[narkynorks]

Please help with any advice for my 18 month DD. She is SO challenging, everything is becoming a total battleground with her. Every day it is such a struggle - getting dressed, nappy changes, brushing teeth, putting her in car seat/pram/high chair, brushing hair, cutting nails...EVERYTHING!

Anything which requires her to co-operate even slightly is a battle as she screams, fights, wriggles away and has now started biting She bit her big bro today because he wouldn't share his toy with her

I have tried all the usual distraction techniques, ignoring the tantrums, disciplining if she is really naughty, but she is getting worse. I am at my wits end - I burst out in tears today when I was trying to put her in her car seat as she just fought me so much and I ended up (as is frequent) having to physically pin her in the seat to get the buckle done and I felt like such a bad mother. Why can I not get her to co-operate ever?

I had a very determined (euphemism) daughter after an easy-going son. It was hard work (who am I kidding? it was flipping exhausting) but she has indeed become a capable, strong, compassionate, intelligent woman (still determined). There is hope!

I agree with Stanley... I have a "determined and independent" 23mth Ds and there are days when we really go through it. Changing nappies are the worst... I have started letting him choose his clothes (well, "this t-shirt or this t-shirt?"), we brush the fur and teeth of toys or books or trains and we don't fix times firmly to be anywhere!! I also put nappies on his soft toys and pretend that he is Cranky the crane (from TTTE) who fell over in a storm in one of DS's books. Works a treat some of the time!

We also got a little video screen for the car for a long trip in the car to France and it has worked wonders on the really tough days for getting in the car (it was a godsend after I slipped a disc and getting him in the car was bad at the best of times... I would be utterly broken otherwise!). That and letting him take toys in...

Anyway, some of this may work for you! Keep trying. It's worse when you are tired/grumpy/pmt, I find!

LittleMiss that's our tactic as well, make DS laugh to distract from tantrum(he's only 16 months old but has started proper tantrums recently). I also agree with chosing your battles and being consistent and pinning him down when needed (used mostly to put DS in his pushchair). We walk home from the CM every night and DS has the need to visit every single garden on the way (and leaves me to carry his scooter) and he knows all I want is to get home so I've now started counting to 3 and at three I chase him, grab him, put him in the pushchair and explain to him that he wouldn't have to be in the pushchair if he'd listened. I also explain why he needs to listen and how his life will become easier the more he listens to daddy and mummy. Well, for the first time yesterday he exited the 10th garden on his own before I got to 3 , sheepishly grabbed his scooter and ventured towards home. Success!!
His has a pretty good grasp of language though and we did baby signing classes so I have been signing to him for ages. I also give in on what I think is not important like having ice cream before dinner (won't kill him).

Sympathies, agree with pretty much all the advice on here.

What also works - on occasion - for me, is distraction by giving DC a choice. So if I want them to sit in the pram and it looks as though it's going to be a battle, I say "Right, I'm just going to put you in the pram, and while I'm doing that do you want an animal biscuit or a gingerbread man? / do you want to go to the supermarket or the little shop?" The "ummm...." moment is usually enough time to get them in and buckled. Have to deliver on their decision though!!

I find myself in a cycle when either DC is having a day when it feels as though all they do is fight me and all I do is shout. It's so hard and I need to keep reminding myself about it, but the other thing that works (probably more so with DC1 than DC2) is - in the middle of their defiance - picking up on the one tiny thing that they are doing right and praising them for it, rather than roaring at them for everything else. Sometimes they are so surprised to get praise (and remember how much they like it) that they comply for a while. And I stop feeling like bad mummy.

Ah have noticed Stanley suggested the choice thing upthread. Definitely a good suggestion.

I like your idea foshizzle with the asking a question and getting her buckled in while she's thinking about the answer, will try that.

For those parents who have been through this, roughly what age did you start to see an improvement? Also, would you say their determined nature has been a benefit later in life? [Asked hopefully]

DD is 4 now and although she's now cooperative with the day to day things mentioned here, we are constantly dealing battling when she is told 'no'. She will immediately start with 'But I want/need to...' and carries on regardless. No warnings of the consequences seem to help and she will push it right through every time.

Nursery said that some kids have to learn the hard way every time :-(

pick your battles, offer limited choices when you can. Distract, tickle, turn upside down, walk away and leave.

Biting should always have consequences that the child does not like. A naughty step, favourite toy is removed, a favourite food is not on offer - pick one and apply consistently. I used to burst into tears and be unable to do something they liked because I was so hurt

I'd say you might be expecting a bit too much of her. She's 18 months - a tiny thing compared to her big brother and that might mean you need to change approach a bit.

I look at my nephew who's 18 months and compare him to ds who's 2.11 and they're so different in maturity it's amazing.

18 month olds have such short attention spans that warnings etc which are too early will go right over their heads.

Bribery works pretty well and make sure they're not hungry or tired. How much sleep does she get? Are there any flash points where it's worse?

Also praise for doing things well and keep sentences short and simple. No long explanations necessary. For example, getting in the car "we're getting in the car now", "in your chair" then hand over a snack or toy while you strap her in.

We taught our ds sign language at that age and it worked wonders - he couldn't talk much but could tell us a lot which avoided a lot of stress.

Get her ears/hearing checked? It's worth ruling out a hearing problem. Of course she could just be being a typical 18 month old and your older DCs are just angels

Good luck anyway, it sounds very wearing

Any groundwork now pays off when they're teens and do it all again. As my 15 year old will still have the not putting on shoes row any time she fancies. All I can say is that over time we've condensed it from a full day in York barefoot age 2 to putting them on in the car .. though this week she has taken to wearing odd ones ..I gave up on me choosing her clothes at about age 3 though she adores going to army cadets and is immaculate in uniform. To give you hope they think she is a leader. And she is amazing with small children as "i know all their tricks mummy" you aRe doing a great job.

I don't think it's lack of sleep or hunger that is the cause as there's no rhyme nor reason to when the battles occur. She can be as nice as pie one morning when getting dressed but the next morning is like a war zone with her screaming and fighting. It just depends if she feels like co-operating or not.

Am going overboard on praise the days she does co-operate, hoping that will help her realise it's much easier and quicker to just get the nappy changed and be finished with it!

This may not help as you may have tried it all already, but just in case... dd (17mo) has got much more cooperative with nappy changing since we stopped making her lay down. She has her nappy changed standing up in the bathroom - not always happy about it but she doesn't try to escape so much and likes to help pull the nappy down and wipe herself and put the used nappy in a bag. I also worked out that she's happier getting in the car seat if I let her walk from the front door/wherever we are to the car rather than carry her. High chair - still difficult this one but she is much more keen to go in it if she's hungry. Easy for us but not for you if you have an older child to feed too!

Thanks diy, I've found standing-up nappy changes sometimes work better, which is good. Car seat is still a problem as she is determined she wants to climb in herself with no help from anyone, but she is not yet able to. But we have seen some improvement in last day or two which is encouraging, hopefully will continue!

"I don't think I have treated DD any differently to DS at all, but I keep wondering if I've had less time for her due to her being 2nd child and so close together in age, and if that is the reason for her tantrums. Is it attention seeking? Is it my fault she is like this? "

Nothing you've done. It's most likely her temperament. I have two DDs. DD1 had my constant attention for 3 years and has always been "challenging" and went through all the things you describe between 18mths and 2.5 yrs (She is still very hard work)

I get hardly any 1:1 quality time with DD2 and she is much easier going in every way.