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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Am I being really PFB?

54 replies

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:07

Hello,

I posted last night about my niece who is staying with us for the weekend.

She is continually in hysterics, shouting, screaming and generally having a tantrum. When I say continually, it has been at least twice an hour since 8am today.

We have a 6 week old DD, she has been really unsettled for the last couple of days. Hasn't napped, has been clingy and wingy and wanting lots of snuggles. We have CONSTANTLY asked DNiece to be quiet around the baby, or at least not scream and yell in the same room. A request that has largely gone ignored.

So, my question is, am I being really PFB in thinking that DNiece behaviour and the resulting stress on me and DH part could be affecting DD? I know other families must have older children who will have tantrums and stuff and that the baby isn't very old so sleep routines aren't completely established and are liable to change.

I am really worried about this, we have agreed to go away with DNiece and mil next week and are staying in a static caravan. I'm honestly not sure my mental health is up to it, DH and I normally have such a calm lovely home but I will suck it up unless it is affecting DD. I know it is only a week but without going into too much detail DD was a preemie who has already been through so much in her short life and is currently on oxygen, I just don't want to put her through any more negativity.

I feel a bit like I sound PFB, I had this whole rant at DH and his response was 'mumsnet it', so I have....

THANKS!!!

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Babylon1 · 29/07/2012 19:10

How old is niece?

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:11

sorry, she is 7

OP posts:

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 29/07/2012 19:12

Would it be possible to book an extra caravan? It would be a big extra cost though and may be fully booked. How understanding is your MIL? Would she be the sort to take Dniece out for a walk when she tantrums and try to keep a calm atmosphere?

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 29/07/2012 19:14

When you booked it were you expecting to still be pregnant? If so could you pull out saying, truthfully, that it will be too stressful with a 6 week old premmie. That is a BIG change of circumstance!

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:16

hi IHaveAFeatureWall (me too, they are fab!) no, we simply couldn't afford another caravan, mil has very kindly paid for this one. And no, she is not the sort to take her out at all. DH and I have discussed days out, just the three of us but there is a definite, and completely right, expectation that we will spend time all together.

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 29/07/2012 19:16

I don't think you are being pfb at all. How is your mil with her? Does she recognise how stressful this us for you?

pictish · 29/07/2012 19:16

7!! Does she have special needs of any description?

If not, there's no way I'd be sharing a caravan with 2 tantrums an hour!

What on earth is going on there?

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:17

oooh missed your last post, no, she is 6 weeks corrected, she is about 20 weeks actual (born at 26 weeks). Actually, she is closer to 8 weeks corrected, 22 weeks actual, im really bad at the weeks thing....still, the point remains...

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YouBrokeMySmoulder · 29/07/2012 19:18

I think at 6 weeks old it won't make a blind bit of difference to the baby tbh. But your attitude to a seven year old will be remembered for the rest of their life. Granted the child is a pita but there's always a reason why.

To parents of a new baby a seven year old seems really old but they are really very young and have emotional needs. Especially when they seem so distressed.

Your baby will only be affected, if at all, by your stress. They don't generally notice negativity around them, how could they?

So it is a little bit pfb and a little bit unsupportive of your niece who sounds like she is extremely jealous and needs some help overcoming it. There's a reason you make more fuss of a sibling than the tiny baby when you visit a newborn.

Mama1980 · 29/07/2012 19:20

I don't think your being perfect first born at all tbh. At 7 she should know how to behave ?! and yes I think babies do pick up on your stress I had a 26 week prem and He knew when I was worried or crying I swear it and would fuss accordingly. No science for that by the way just my experience.

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:20

twofalls thanks, to be honest mil attitude to it all is an entirely new rant thread, she doesn't at all.

pictish yes, I am certain there are SEN, however they are compounded by the fact that she is utterly spoilt. She has also had a pretty dreadful start in life. Have a look at last nights thread for a little more detail.

Right, so, so far I'm not being PFB.

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pictish · 29/07/2012 19:21

Ok i shall.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 29/07/2012 19:21

I really think it depends on your MIL, could you set out your expectations clearly in advance? If your DH isn't feeling as strongly as you about the situation it could be stressful if he tries to encourage you to get by to keep the peace instead of trying to find a solution/take you home.

TheSurgeonsMate · 29/07/2012 19:22

I think probably it is pfb to worry that DN is affecting your daughter. You'll know her better, but most babies don't need too much peace and quiet, and won't notice tantrums that are just activity in the room. It could be true that DN's effect on you could be causing you to stressed and that would affect the baby. I think they prefer you to give the impression that all is well!

So, if you want to go, I think that you need to re-focus on what you can do for your child (smuggles) and not on what you can't (get DN to be quiet).

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 29/07/2012 19:23

I don't think there would be any adverse effect for DD but a stressful holiday could really be bad for you and cause family frictions in the long run.

exoticfruits · 29/07/2012 19:23

Not PFB at all-who on earth wants a holiday with a 7yr old like that?!
Only do it if you can tell your niece exactly what you think and get her to stop -but my guess is that the parents wouldn't like it! They are probably the 'my child, my rules (or lack of them in this case).

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:23

youbroke yep, point taken. We have been making a huge fuss of her, took her to legoland on Friday and to a family fun day yesterday. Both resulted in tantrums. I agree that the baby is unlikely to pick up on negativity, but what I meant by that was the loud noises and screaming, could that distress a baby? I am happy to be told that it can't.

mama thanks, this is my first so any experience, scientific or not is much appreciated.

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TribbleTuckandDismount · 29/07/2012 19:24

Re your DD, if she's still on oxygen I think you may have to have a word with MIL to get her to take the reins a bit. You need to have some quiet time with your DD.

Is she able to be in a sling? She may settle a bit better if she is closer to you guys. I found mine fab with DS in the early days.

I don't know if this is feasable with the oxygen though.

TheSurgeonsMate · 29/07/2012 19:24

Snuggles! Or just smuggle her out...

Mama1980 · 29/07/2012 19:27

Just to add if your dd is still on oxygen ?then I would have serious second thoughts re holiday my ds would gasp when upset or startled which didn't help anyone.

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:27

ahh, loads of x posts.

exotic DNiece lives with mil and yes, lack of rules is fairly apt. Really appreciate that I'm not PFB in your opinion.

FeatureWall DH is more ready than me to cancel if im honest and is watching this thread with interest.

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Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:30

tribble DD loves the sling. mil does like to tell me how im making a rod for my back or some crap by picking her up though thats a good idea to be honest, i could just wander off with the sling.

mama DD has been startled a few times today, all her little body flails out when there is a short loud noise (I dont know how to explain it)

SurgeonsMate

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pictish · 29/07/2012 19:32

Well as much as I would wholly sympathise and want the best for the girl if it were my niece...I don't think I'd be in a hurry to share a caravan with her.

I would care and offer support, but not from within the walls of a confined space where you have to make nice with relatives.

Maybe I'm a horrible person...but I'd not go.

SoozyWoozy · 29/07/2012 19:34

I don't think you're necessarily being PFB, but I do think you're probably trying to deal with a stressful situation while you are already stressed, sleep deprived and been through the run of the mill with prem newborn.

At 7 years old I would expect your niece to understand that she needs to calm down around the baby. I would also be very cross with her as her mother that she was carrying on like this when being treated to days out etc.

Where are her parents? I think I would be saying to them (and DN!) that there will be no holiday while this behaviour continues.

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:34

pictish thanks for your honesty.

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