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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Am I being really PFB?

54 replies

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:07

Hello,

I posted last night about my niece who is staying with us for the weekend.

She is continually in hysterics, shouting, screaming and generally having a tantrum. When I say continually, it has been at least twice an hour since 8am today.

We have a 6 week old DD, she has been really unsettled for the last couple of days. Hasn't napped, has been clingy and wingy and wanting lots of snuggles. We have CONSTANTLY asked DNiece to be quiet around the baby, or at least not scream and yell in the same room. A request that has largely gone ignored.

So, my question is, am I being really PFB in thinking that DNiece behaviour and the resulting stress on me and DH part could be affecting DD? I know other families must have older children who will have tantrums and stuff and that the baby isn't very old so sleep routines aren't completely established and are liable to change.

I am really worried about this, we have agreed to go away with DNiece and mil next week and are staying in a static caravan. I'm honestly not sure my mental health is up to it, DH and I normally have such a calm lovely home but I will suck it up unless it is affecting DD. I know it is only a week but without going into too much detail DD was a preemie who has already been through so much in her short life and is currently on oxygen, I just don't want to put her through any more negativity.

I feel a bit like I sound PFB, I had this whole rant at DH and his response was 'mumsnet it', so I have....

THANKS!!!

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IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 29/07/2012 19:37

If your DH is supportive then I would definitely cancel!!! It sounds like it will be far too stressful for everyone, including the baby if she flails at loud noises.

exoticfruits · 29/07/2012 19:38

I agree-support niece but not to the extent of sharing a caravan.

exoticfruits · 29/07/2012 19:39

And I am generally the first to shout 'PFB' at people-really, you are not!

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:40

Soozy her parents are not around and mil has residency in Cyprus. (more details on last nights thread) its really good to know im not expecting too much from DNiece, she doesn't appreciate nice things and immediately wants more.

OP posts:

overthehurdles · 29/07/2012 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overthehurdles · 29/07/2012 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:42

exotic :) thanks.

FeatureWall right, well its looking like thats becoming the favoured plan.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 29/07/2012 19:45

I don't think it would be wise under the circumstances to go the holiday. You could say you simply aren't up to it and maybe another time. I do feel sorry for the little girl as it sounds as if she is quite unhappy/frustrated with things and the not understanding English will be making things a lot worse. (Hope I have got this right)

But really you have just had a baby 6 weeks ago, and this is quite enough for you to deal with. Without a difficult and demanding child that isn't happy to be with you. You are just so not being PFB. You're a saint for not having totally lost it. I'm sure I would have by now. That's my opinion!

TheSurgeonsMate · 29/07/2012 19:45

Sorry, ignore my previous stance, that rod-for-your-own-back comment has really got my goat. I could manage my 7 week old through a war zone, but only if I was left to do it on my own f'ing terms.

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 19:51

viviennne she understands spoken English, she just can't read or write in either language. Thanks, it really takes a lot for me to lose it, although I very nearly did when DNiece threatened to batter me (where do you even learn language like that at 7?)

SurgeonsMate I very calmly told her that as DD spent 93 days in an incubator, if she wanted a cuddle, she could bloody well have one. Think she got the message.

OP posts:

RuthlessBaggage · 29/07/2012 20:08

I think the other thread said DN has adhd or similar, and her literacy is significantly behind.

I don't think you are being pfb - you should have heard me turn into a fishwife when DS1 woke newborn DS2! - but equally I doubt a few disturbed days will actually harm DD at all.

I do think there is a risk to you, though. I think separating DN and DD for periods would be helpful, partly to give you breathing space and partly to allow DN some one-on-one attention. DP should step up with organised activities here, either for him to do, or for you to do with her when DD is asleep.

It sounds like she is jealous, and acting up accordingly. Emphasising what she can do to help, and praising her when she does, should have better short-, medium- and long-term effects than just telling her off when she disturbs DD.

Good luck.

MamaBear17 · 29/07/2012 20:09

I cant answer your question but I can say from experience that I found going away with the in laws when my dd was 6 weeks very hard. The other family members had a schedule of things they wanted to do and I just had to try and fit in around it. Very difficult when you have a baby with colic! Plus, everyone kept trying to take her off me saying things like 'I will have her for a bit, you go and relax'. It was well meant but I didnt want to go anywhere or do anything other than be with my baby. My hubby regressed into a child himself (i think because he was on holiday with his family) and I felt very much like I had to paste a smile on my face and do everything everyone wanted so that I didnt ruin everyone elses holiday. I wouldnt do it again when my baby was so young. x

RuthlessBaggage · 29/07/2012 20:20

We went away when DS2 was around 14w (iirc) and I did want and need to spend time with just him. I think it's important to build that in.

Actually, thinking back, I wanted "just us" time when he was 23 months let alone weeks.

blueshoes · 29/07/2012 20:21

Not pfb at all. A week in a static caravan with niece from hell sounds horrendous.

kerala · 29/07/2012 20:27

Not PFB. You have such a tiny baby you have to put yourself first at this time Im afraid as she needs you to be up to looking after her. The stress may not affect baby but if it stresses you you should avoid the situation. When you are dealing with a prem baby of that age (have been there) you just don't have anything left over to deal with issues like this one so you shouldn't have to. Stop putting other people first for a short time x

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 20:34

kerala thanks, i think i needed that...I do need to stop worrying about other people.

OP posts:

Florin · 29/07/2012 22:00

I think young babies pick up on your stress. I have a 5 week ds. We had a 'friend' come and visit us who we really didn't like. Dh and I were extremely uptight both before (knowing it was about to happen) and during her visit plus she tried to keep giving my PFB to her 5 year old to hold even though dh and I had both said no. Due to the stress our normally very calm ds was screaming the whole time. As friend left FIL's wife arrived (who we love) and friend literally passed ds over to her. Ds quietened instantly and fell asleep in her arms. I have also noticed other times when we are upset or stressed about something ds is unsettled.
Have to admit the idea of a week in a caravan with a badly behaved child and judgemental mil is my idea of hell. To be honest I find it stressful spending too much time with anyone with ds as it can be hard fitting him in with other peoples plan's and in a caravan I would be stressed everytime ds cried keeping people awake or judging me.

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 29/07/2012 22:14

florin thank you for that, that's exactly how DD has been acting and I guess the point if this thread was to see if I was being PFB by relating this to the stress and shouting. Thanks for replying, I am going to feel awkward everytime she makes a noise, I think I hadn't thought this through at all :(

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 29/07/2012 22:37

YANBU 7 is plenty old enough to be told to quieten down - and as for 2 tantrums an hour??????? What's that all about?

My dd1 is 7 and she's great with her little brother (13wks) but if she does get a bit loud, she gets a big fat SHHHHH! and she shuts up!!!

5madthings · 29/07/2012 22:54

i dont think you are being pfb and if i were you i wouldnt be going.

having read the other thread i feel really sorry for your neice, she has had it tough, esp moving abroad, can i ask why they did that? tbh i think it sounds like she needs professional help tbh, does mil have any support with neice in cyprus?

lindsell · 29/07/2012 23:00

Both ds1 (3) and ds2 (12wks) react very much to my stress levels and ds2 definitely reacts to loud noise/tantrums from ds1 - ds2 cries loudly and flails his arms about and it's clear it's a direct reaction. I tell ds1 to be quiet and to be fair to him most of the time he does quieten down and will often tell other people to be quiet if ds2 is sleeping. If he can do it at 3 then imo your dn should def be able to at 7 even if she has some SEN. I don't think you're being pfb at all - I wouldn't want to be in that situation with ds2 (or ds1 when he was that age).

Could you maybe compromise and go for a couple of days but not the whole week? Or is it close enough to meet up with them for a couple of day trips so you don't have to stay in the caravan?

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 30/07/2012 05:18

5madthings the move to Cyprus was mil choice. She hasn't had any support this academic year but the school are providing some this coming year. They have got her tutors but she is very disinterested. Mil lives with her bf so he provides some support with DNeice behaviour. DNeice is treated in Cyprus as though she is on one long holiday and behaves as such.

OP posts:

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 30/07/2012 05:22

babylon lindsel looks like that is a common theme, her behaviour is not typical of a 7 year old and I think it is affecting DD. I brought her upstairs last night and we had a quiet snuggle for an hour and as a result she has slept much better.

Its not close enough to go for day trips but I think a compromise of a couple of days is going to be the way forward :)

OP posts:

Original poster

GotMyLittleLamb · 30/07/2012 15:10

doing a happy dance<

Due to a mix up with the booking the caravan site offered mil a substantial refund this morning, she has used this to get DH, DD and I our own caravan.

I'm a little bit as this happened within hours of us talking to her and explaining we are very unhappy with DNiece behaviour, especially the impact on DD and that we wouldn't be staying or even going unless something changed.

My thinking is that it must be important to mil that we go if she has just forked out for this, otherwise we have been bloody lucky with the mix up. Either way, this will mean quiet nights sleep and space on our own and hopefully a brilliant first holiday for DD.

Thank you for all the reassurance and help.

OP posts:

pictish · 30/07/2012 17:45

Excellent!
There's no way I'd have been sharing a caravan with her...but having your own space will make all the difference!

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