Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

DSS Lying - medical condition related

51 replies

MumatEndofTether · 23/07/2012 13:00

Just want some support really.

My DSS is 9 and has recently been referred for tests regarding a long-standing medical problem (gastric problems)

One of the reasons that it's gone on for so long untreated is that DSS lies about it, so his parents didn't know that the problem was so severe/long lasting until this week.

I know that both his mum and dad have emphasised how important it is, but even after a long conversation about it last night when DP really thought he'd got somewhere, he lied to the Dr today in front of them both - having told them something different only a few days ago!

I appreciate it's embarrassing for him - but it isn't limited to this issue - he lies regularly about all sorts of things (I just stay out of it) - but this is affecting his health and medical treatment!

Any suggestions on dealing with a lying 9 year old?

OP posts:
MrsJREwing · 23/07/2012 13:04

It's embarrassing enough and a private matter, I can see why he lies when so many people are told intimate details. His parents should respect his privacy, if they get on well enough to go to joint dr apps, they can discuss between themselves not telling everyone. I suggest you tell your Dh to respect his child's privacy, that may help.

Original poster
MumatEndofTether · 23/07/2012 13:10

Sorry to be dim, but do you mean that I shouldn't know about it?

He is a member of our family, I've helped DP clean up after him several times, so it's hard not to be aware of it - we're not shouting it from the rooftops, but I could make myself scarce and do extra hours all the while he's here to avoid his embarrassment, I suppose? Not sure about nighttime, though? What do you suggest?

He's lying to his parents, which is impacting on his treatment/medical care - I wondered if anyone else has faced something similar?

OP posts:
MrsJREwing · 23/07/2012 13:16

I have a child that it took years to understand that there was an undiagnosed issue causing gastro issues. I am her Mother and she has found it embarrassing infringe of me, a nine year old would be mortified at anyone never mind dads gf dealing with that, your oh seems to lack boundaries and respect for his child, you could help by taking a step back and stop enabling your oh.

MrsJREwing · 23/07/2012 13:19

Your oh should physically and emotionally deal with this issue alone, he can talk to the Dr, his ex or a support group, its his child's condition and none of your business, same for uncles, cousins etc. How would you like your period details discussed and your towels looked at and discussed? It's disrespectfull.

Rooble · 23/07/2012 13:24

Is it possible that he's just really embarrassed and really doesn't GET that the only way for the condition to improve is to be totally honest with his parents and the GP?
I have a v different condition but used to lie to adults because I thought symptoms implied that I wasn't in control of myself which I thought was a bad thing and my fault. I can imagine that, eg if you're soiling yourself when society says only babies do that, you really would want to be secretive about it. Quite often a 9 year old doesn't comprehend that the doctor will not judge but does need 100% of the info to do his job properly.
Perhaps his parents have already explained this, but if not it may be time for someone to very gently explain to him why he needs to explain exactly what's happening, explain that no one will be cross or judgemental, and that the doctor cannot help if (s)he doesn't fully understand the situation.

Original poster
MumatEndofTether · 23/07/2012 13:25

Should he stop staying with us to avoid his embarrassment in front of me - perhaps DP could see him elsewhere?

It would be a shame to reduce day to day contact, but if you think it's better that I'm not at all involved in this aspect if his life, then he's obviously not going to be comfortable in our home Sad

OP posts:
MrsJREwing · 23/07/2012 13:29

What do you do op when you visit a friend when you have a period? You have privacy and dignity, you live your life, you plan and bring what you need to stay fresh. Give the child the same respect and chance of a normal life, stop enabling. Your oh should deal with it, and keep you emotionally and physically out of this.

Original poster
MumatEndofTether · 23/07/2012 13:54

I'll try my best - but I think the damage has been done; both DD and myself have been directly affected by DSS condition - partly because of his choice not to confide in DP when things go wrong.

How can we redeem the situation? Should we reduce contact if it's not possible to keep it 'secret' from two members of the household?

DP has tried explaining how important it is, how the Dr can't make him better if he doesn't know the full story. Funnily enough the lying isn't solely 'covering up' possible embarrassment - he also seems to lie when he can't remember something - so makes something up even if it contradicts his previous story. Poor DP doesn't know if he's coming or going!

OP posts:
MrsJREwing · 23/07/2012 14:10

It doesn't have to be a secret. I keep going back to a period, we all know women have them. Women don't announce every tampon or towel change. You deal with dss bowel issues as you would a 9 year old girl with a period.

Your dp should respect his ds privacy and dignity and earn his child's trust, which your dp broke involving every Tom, Dick and Harry, instead of giving the child dignity. Your dp could have dealt with it alone, he chose to humiliate the child instead. I am a lone parent and disabled. I deal with it without involving others. It's possible.

Original poster
MumatEndofTether · 23/07/2012 14:18

Um, you must be thinking of someone else, I think - I have no idea what you are on about!

I just thought MN might be able to provide DP with some support to deal with a child whose lies (regardless of motive) are impacting on his medical care.

I'm sorry that you're disabled and your DD is ill - but I'm not sure how this relates to me?!?

OP posts:
MrsJREwing · 23/07/2012 14:24

Your dp humiliates his child by telling others, creating a drama and getting them to help clean up his child which your dp is capable of doing himself. If I can do it alone your dp can do it without you. Your dp sounds an arse from your description. I feel sorry for your dss, not in the slightist bit sorry for your dp.

You sound young.

Original poster
MumatEndofTether · 23/07/2012 14:36

Oh, goodness - is that what my post sounded like! Blush

Sorry, no - the first that DP knew that DSS was ill, months ago, was when I used the bathroom after him and it was obvious that DSS had 'had an accident' and not told anyone. I told DP who dealt with DSS while I cleaned up in the bathroom and other bits of the house - god, I wouldn't dream of helping DSS clean himself up - how awful!

DP thought it was an isolated incident until my DD came across the same situation in the bathroom a few weeks later - that led to a trip to the Dr, food diaries and the like (which I did help DP complete when I'd done the cooking) but 8 months on, nothing has changed and DSS has admitted that he was lying for the diary!

We don't discuss it, much and especially not in front of DSS. DP asked for my help after DSS lied to the Dr as he really is at the end of his tether!

I'm flattered that I sound young though - definitely not!

OP posts:
SilverSixpence · 23/07/2012 14:37

hmm i think this is all a bit unfair on the OP. She's trying to help her DSS in a constructive way, it's hardly helpful to blame her for knowing about this! MrsJREwing you seem to be bringing your own issues into this and think your last post is just totally unhelpful.

SilverSixpence · 23/07/2012 14:39

Maybe your DP needs to be a bit more open to discussing it with your DSS as it sounds as though he's too embarrassed to deal with it some of the time. Probably best to do on a 1-2-1 basis just your DP and DSS. Bowel issues are always difficult but it might help DSS if everyone else was less embarrassed about it.

Thumbwitch · 23/07/2012 14:42

Am completely open-mouthed at MrsEwing's responses - think you have done well to field them so politely, MumatEnd.

Re. the lying - does he lie about other things as well, especially if he fears he's going to get into trouble?

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 23/07/2012 14:44

I think more honesty is key here. A medical isssue is not to be hidden away, dss needs to know that you (or dp, his mum, whoever) can support him if he needs but that to get it all sorted, the issue needs to be talked about properly so everyone is on the same page.
I can't see why op has gotten a hard time here, she wants to support her dss?

Original poster
MumatEndofTether · 23/07/2012 14:46

thumb -yes, he does lie about a lot of things, sometimes to get out of trouble but often about silly things- he fabricated a drawn out tale about something that happened at school which turned out to be total fantasy!
When DP challenges him, DSS looks confused/puzzled and then says that he must have dreamt it!

I'm careful not to get involved - i can usually tell when he's not being honest, but leave DP to it most of the time! This is different though - he's risking his health Sad

OP posts:
ethelb · 23/07/2012 14:50

MrsJREwing do stop posting. you are making this all about you.

Thumbwitch · 23/07/2012 15:00

MumAt - have PMd you. :)

LadyInDisguise · 23/07/2012 15:03

What ?!? We are talking about a 9YO here has what diarrhoea issue, something like IBS type of symptoms with explosive diarrhoea? Do I get that right?

Two things, I think you really really need to be sure that no one is feeling uncomfortable to have clean up, not your dss, nor yourself, your H or his mum. You also need to reiterate that, what evfer it is, it is NOT his fault and there is NOTHING to be ashamed about (unlike what MrsJREwing is hinting). He doesn't have to be protected, you don't need to stop seeing him etc... because the only thing that is going to happen if you do is to say loud and clear it is a shameful thing. Which it isn't. He is ILL.

I have a ds who has had chronic constipation with major accidents (incl at school), which meant he ended in the shower with the teacher supervising because he had some absolutely everywhere. (This was labelled as stool incontinence at school)
My experience is that, at school, he has been maintaining that 'everything was fine' because of a very bad experience with the previous teacher. 2 years later, he would not have that attitude just because he has been treated with respect and teachers (and TA) attitude have shown him it was OK and NOT his fault.
At home, he isn't keen on getting change because it interferes with play and tbh, he isn't actually that bothered.

Grand parents are aware bout it of course (!) not the least because of medication and diet issues. And I believe it is important for them to be aware and for my ds to know that because that what you would do if it was any other type of illness. Again, you go down the fact there is nothing to be ashamed about.
Perhaps your DP (and his ex) could share with some stories about embarrassing illnesses and how it felt so awful to talk about it but also how much they felt after they had it sorted out?

Have any of you tried to sit down with him and see what he is so afraid of if he is saying when he has 'an accident', even if only on paper. Is he ashamed (my main hypothesis) or is he afraid it's something very serious? Does he think 'you should never talk about that sort of subject? Has he been somehow bullied at school because of it (I suppose that he might have had some accident at school too?)?
If you get a better idea of the reasons why he is lying and not wanting to tell the truth, you will find it easier to tackle it.

I would say though to leave 'practical' help in the bathroom to your DP unless it is very clear your DSS isn't bothered if you come and help.

HTH

LadyInDisguise · 23/07/2012 15:08

Actually Op, I am wondering why you haven't actually said what the problem is out right. A genuine question, are you feeling uneasy to say 'my dss has some issues with explosive diarrhoea'? or what ever else it is we are talking about.

Original poster
MumatEndofTether · 23/07/2012 15:19

lady I think that's part of the issue - DP doesn't know how DSS ended up with liquid poo over himself and his clothes, and around the bathroom/landing/bedroom or how long its been going on for, or how frequently it happens! DP doesn't know the extent of it at DSS mums either.

At the moment the GP is referring to it as "chronic loose stool" and has confirmed that it is not an infection, but other than that, no-one seems really sure - least off all DSS!

OP posts:
NoComet · 23/07/2012 15:23

For goodness sake the OP is this child's step mum (whether she's married to the child's father or not) he comes for overnight visits, she ends up catering for him.
I expect she ends up caring for him on her own without his Dad sometimes too.

Sorry however embarrassing her 9y DSS has to grow up and learn to tell the truth. To his parents at home, his dad, the OP, doctors and quite possibly teachers, friends parents on sleepovers and scout leaders too.

DD had a friend who had treatment for bed wetting, she's been to stay several times. She knows I know, she'd rather no one did, but she understands it's actually easier if it's not a secret.

LadyInDisguise · 23/07/2012 15:28

Mum your DP and his exW needs to have a word with your dss and try and understand why he doesn't want to say what is going on.

It might or might not be related to other behaviours like lying to cover his tracks. But if there is any shame or anxiety issue, it is important for everyone to know.

Can you get referred to a specialist. There is no point filling a diary for 8 months not to come to any conclusion and leave it at that. If the first time you have gone to the GP was 8 months ago and you haven't seen any changes at all, then I would really ask for a referral.