Am I being reasonable to have wii turned off by ds during breakfast time.

[davyatsea]

following on from my first post - I thought this was getting lenghtly and confusing... DS is allowed on wii in lounge anytime between 7am and 7pm depending on what else he is doing. obviously we dont allow him on all day, but maximum time allowed is one hour following a family chat last weekend. Problem is ds expects absolute silence in the room when he is playing, and cannot cope with any distraction. Only yesterday, he was playing fifa 12, I was finishing off my breakfast and dw was feeding dd, aged 17 months. DW left the room to fetch dd a yoghurt and instantly, ds called out loud that he was losing 2-0, clearly annoyed. I barely spoke a word and ds started to get loud at the same time (typical toddler). ds started shouting at me saying I was annoying him, and then pushed dd's head. she was in highchair at time. dw came into room mid flow and asked what was going on. this happened before and results in me and ds arguing. dw is fed up with this and wants a stop to it, as do I. I asked for wii to be turned off for 30 minutes as per rules, and ds refused. I asked again and he refused. I had to go over to take the remote out of his hand, at which point, he threw the wii remote in anger. Wii was now banned for one hour. DS proceeded to play on laptop.

Is it reasonable for ds to move onto another electrical item if one is banned. Kind of defeats the object if you ask me. To be fair, he was ready for school in time, but dw and I found the morning stressful. Goodness knows how dd felt. any guidelines that I can share with dw would be very helpful. Many thanks.

I would say no electronics before school tbh.

If your posts are real you're a bloody fool. Get a grip of your spoiled child and stop letting him rule the house. Do you think that leads to a happy adult?

RillaBlythe. I agree with you, but dw will not agree on this one with me. Its hard when dw is on her own dealing with two childrens needs. I work away two nights a week so am not always around to enforce the rules. dw does find it hard when I am away and just wants a happy house, like I do.

DS1 (6) isn't allowed any electronic games during the week and at the weekend he is limited because his behaviour deteriorates and he can't cope with the stumuli.

I would be having very stern words tonight and would put in place a ban which is only lifted when he can show he can behave properly

First of all, you and your DW are the adults in this house and therefore set the rules. No debate, no refusing to do what the adults tell you.
Secondly, I would tell your DS (have done so with my own) that if electronic equipment makes him behave in this way then he cannot play with it. Electronic eqpt = DS, Wii, laptop, iPad, tv - basically anything electronic. Using it is a privilege not a right, he needs to demonstrate he can behave appropriately to earn that privilege.
Thirdly, if you stop him playing on Wii, he should go and play outside/with his cars/ read a book - or whatever he does instead.
Finally, he is only one member of a family of four and does not dictate how much noise the rest of the family makes. Owning a Wii is not forever - I'm sure it would be snapped up on EBay.
(it is possible that I'm a cruel mother, but I'm really shocked at how much power you seem to allow him to wield). Good luck!

I realise you want a happy house but I have found that my DS responds really badly to any requests or instructions when he has been on the wii or laptop. Sometimes if he is tired he just cannot cope with the stimulation of a computer game and then being asked/told to stop.

Now he is not allowed to play anything like that before school and is allowed to play for half an hour at some point after school after homework has been done. I actually asked him once how often he thinks he should use it and he said twice a week! His habit is broken and he now only goes on it now and again.

I do allow TV in the morning for sanity's sake as it prevents all out running around but do switch off if there is any backchat or rudeness.

If my DS had retaliated against my other child he would have been banned for a week as he clearly couldn't cope and no way would he have been allowed to use another device.

I can understand that your DW is probably exhausted though and it is hard to enforce rules when you are tired and just want to give in. Maybe approach laptop and wii as if they are treats and privileges to be gained (reward chart?) rather than there being an automatic right to them. I think the anytime between 7am and 7pm is a bit woolly - ask your DS for a precise time perhaps?

Many thanks for all your comments so far. Interesting though that dw allowed ds on wii before school Tues/Weds while I was away, and he did come off and was ready for school. This morning, he had a good old moan about everyone disturbing him even though no-one else was even in the room. Soon after we came back in to have our breakfast, we asked him to come off the wii and he did so with no problems at all. Now that makes dw think that he can play wii before school, and that rules suggested above are harsh. My concern is the next flashpoint. Perhaps a weeks ban would be a good idea.

Ok I'm not a parent yet, but I am intrigued as to how much control your child is actually permitted to have.

Looking back on my own childhood if a game was the cause of anger in our house my mum or dad, whichever one of them was in the room at the time would not have sat back and said nothing, the thing was packed up and taken off us had we acted like that.

Secondly I don't get how you didn't automatically reprimand him for attacking his sister right away. That's unacceptable behaviour and he's not been told he can't do this.

Back to my mum and dad, they had some sort of agreement where if one of them told us off, the other one did not go against them. You as adults need to agree that you cannot side with an unruly child when it's being told off NOR argue in front of the child as this reassures him that he can do what he pleases.
Make rules together (without the child's input).

Shimmy0. I did reprimand him for attacking his sister. dw came into the room mid flow and asked what on earth was going on. DS denied hitting his sister, but the wii was still taken off him. He did calm down after a few minutes, and then proceeded to the laptop. Unfortunately, I was about to leave the house and didn't want to cause another argument just as I was going out. DS does argue back with me a lot and often blames me for causing the arguements. dw thinks that by saying nothing, any frustration will die down, whereas I agree with taking away the cause of frustration - herein lies the problem.

Interestingly enough, we have sought help from the school nurse as ds had been showing signs of anxienty, she referred us to the local child and adolescent mental health service. During that appointment, ds stated that there were no problems despite the arguments. We have since been referred to family therapy. I am up for this, but see the problems as staring us in the face.

You adult, DS child, what you say goes, simple.

Take all technology away for a week then no technology (if his behaviour improves that is, he has to earn it) except for half an hour a day in the afternoon. He can look at books, play with toys, do colouring etc... He does not need technology or TV in order to occupy himself.

DW really needs to get on the same page as you and fast, as when she has two older kids not listening and doing what they want all by herself she will regret not laying down boundaries.

Maybe he doesn't like to share your DW? When you are away he gets her to himself (along with your daughter) and so is a bit jealous when you are back perhaps?

It can be tricky if the family dynamic is constantly changing. I find that things can be very calm when my DH is away (not that often) and when he comes back the children are delighted to see him but may be a little jealous that they no longer have my undivided attention. Maybe spending some quality time with just you and DS could help.

I asked for wii to be turned off for 30 minutes as per rules, and ds refused. I asked again and he refused

No screens at all in the moening before school. Don't ask, tell.

Agree with all comments above. Coming from another angle and testing the water here. Am I too harsh and expecting too much here? Maybe there's some middle ground so dw doesn't feel picked on?

Lambethill - agree as well. Problem is 'telling'. That is how I was brought up so I accept that and dont see anything wrong with that. ds doesn't respond well to 'telling'.

"ds doesn't respond well to telling"? How does he manager in school?

Sorry, but tough, you tell him, and that is that.
Do people really go on like this?

Maybe he's trying to get your attention (especially if he's fine when you're away)? Do you spend a lot of time with him on the wii, reading, playing with lego, in the garden or park, going on cycle rides etc etc? Children are much more likely to do waht they're asked if you've just spent some quality time with them, than if you've been doing other things.

Mine have no TV in the morning, some after school. Have to ask to play on the wii or laptop, any bad behaviour and they miss turns / have it switched off. I know other families where the TV is on constantly, wii, DS etc can be used whenever they like, and that works fine for them.

The important thing is having rules that you and your DW are happy with, and not undermining each other. If you think one of you is being too harsh / too soft, you need to bite your tongue and have the discussion away from DS. You have to back each other up, even if you don't like it, or he will play you off against each other. If one imposes a sanction you must both stick to it - but make sure if you're going to e.g. ban the wii for a day that you choose a day when you're there (it isn't fair on your DW to impose something where only she gets the backlash, and therefore is more likely to back down).

DS shouldn't expect other people to be quiet eating breakfast, just because he is on the wii. (Reminds me of a Supernanny episode where everyone pandered to the wishes of the smallest DS, even to the point of sitting in the dark as he'd wanted lights and TV switched off. He wasn't a happy child - rules and boundaries did wonders.)

You and your wife need to get together completely alone and have a discussion about how if u reprimand him she should not get involved or interfere when you aren't there and vice versa, if she reprimands him or the other child you don't get involved. You also need to talk about arguing within earshot of the children.

What will it be like if he is in his teens and staying out all night etc and smoking and drinking, will your wife be allowing this to happen too? I believe she needs to be aware that this is the stage where you have to lay down the rules and stick to them because in a few years he will think he can throw a house party if he wants to when you aren't there or stay out all night or do worse. He will have the attitude "It's ok my mum will back me up then I'll just do the same thing tomorrow again".

As for telling, he does respond well at at school, and achieved excellent results in SATs (Year 2). As dw has stated, he saves his anger for home. I agree, he needs some one to one time, especially as he misses that since his sister was born. Its just difficult balancing that when we have two children. Perhaps one of us takes ds off and the other takes dd off, or vice versa, or just spend quality time with one of them. dw has suggested this, but we haven't been able to achieve this yet

Also, we do make sure that whoever puts ds to bed, (we take it in turns), gives him some quality time, especally if the day has been busy or difficult. He does appreciate the long bedtime routine, but often craves more - sometimes more than we can give, which can come across unreasonable.

So your son is what, 7? And your DW is finding it hard to enforce the rules? She needs to step up and actively discipline your badly behaved child, rather than throw in the towel, or it will get worse, and he will get bigger. The way to a happy house is not complete capitulation to the childrens' wishes. Everybody needs to learn that their wishes are not paramount, and it's better to learn the lesson at 7 rather than 47.

We've never allowed any screens before school - something that is still in force now DS2 is 16, and DD 14. And even now if DS2 gets irate while playing games, I send him to his room - and he goes, even though he is now a head taller and 2 stone heavier than me. I certainly wouldn't allow a child who's had the Wii taken away to just go and play on the PC. What does that achieve?

OneHandFlapping. I agree with that, but knowing that taking the wii off him has caused a big tantrum, is it right that I cause another tantrum just as I'm about to go out the door, leaving dw to pick up the pieces. You are absolutely right, but I dont want to leave dw with a stormy child. Its hard enough for her as it is.

Problem is well, is that we get tantrum after tantrum and we forget why the initial reprimand was given in the first place. If only ds was more tolerant of his sister being in the same room, or the wii was not on in the first place.

You need to work together on this. If your DS thinks he can get the Wii back by tantrumming, he will do it. And your DW needs to learn to deal with his tantrums.

Imagine your son as an adult, expecting his own DCs, and his wife to tiptoe round him so as not upset him. Not a pleasant picture, is it?

I can see why you don't want to insist on something when you're not going to be around to deal with the consequences.

When will you next be with your family for a sustained length of time? Can you start a new regime then, when you're around to deal with the flack? Arrange for the Wii to 'break' on a day when you'll be busy for a while, say the day before you go away? Make sure there's no access to it while away- do not take it if you're self catering say, or with relatives.

I consider myself very very lucky that there was not even CBeebies when mine were little, and certainly no consuls, hand held or otherwise. It actually made parenting easier, not harder. You have my sympathies, and respect for the way you're considering that it's your wife, not you who is around to deal with the fall out.