Do you sometimes let your child do things you'd rather they didn't...

[MrsHelsBels74]

Because its easier than stopping them. For example my 29 month old has just found my deodorant & plastered himself in it because it was easier to let him do it.

I don't mean major bad behaviours but with little things like this does it really matter?

I'm another "pick your battles" parent.
I'd probably have stopped the deodorant, but if they aren't damaging themselves or the house, I leave them to it.

I also like "NO, stop that" to have an effect, so use it as infrequently as possible so it retains its shock value, and they actually stop! It seems to be working with DS1, but think I might have been lucky, and DS2 is going to be a little less compliant!

There are days when I feel like I spend every waking moment saying 'NO, stop that!', so it's nice to think 'actually, that's not really hurting anything, I'll just let him get on with it'. Agree with nextphase, on days where I'm picking battles, when I actually do say 'NO', it tends to have more of an impact.

I would have stopped the deodorant and the toothpaste - partly for the harm they could do themselves and partly for the cost. But as others have said - no personal or property damage = let them muck around as much as they want to. I don't have a lot of time alone with my two and I value that time - I'm not going to spend it following them around telling them NO!

I agree with picking your battles, although I don't always manage it. I would have stopped the deodorant and the toothpaste due to the potential harm/mess factor, but other things don't bother me. DD2 likes emptying all the plastic plates and cups out of the cupboard, every single one. She's 1, it's the first thing she does every morning, and as soon as I tidy up she does it again. I find it annoying but it keeps her out of more serious mischief! What's the point in stopping her and having a tantrum, she'll grow out of it soon enough. The other cupboards are gated off so are safe, and at friends houses I wouldn't let her do it. By the time she's 2 she'll be old enough to start learning to help tidy up, there's no point trying to make her do that now.

If a parent begins to be ignored when they say no then that too needs addressing,I don't suppose anyone has made the connection between a tantrum and ignoring "no" as being a direct approach of inconsistent parenting or as it seems to be put on here "picking your battles".

I don't spend my day giving into my child for exactly this reason. As soon as you become inconsistent your child learns from it.
No meant no the first, twentieth and last time I said it. I can't remember the last time my child had a tantrum, neither can I remember the last time he destroyed something in my house in the name of "creativity", or the last time he ignored me, because you allow ignorance and as a parent it is my job to make sure my child listens to me.

I think this is a huge reason why children start school and turn into nightmares. Their parents allow their child power to influence their reaction based on wether they tantrum or ignore a request and then expect a teacher to do the same.

Oh yes. With a 4 year old and rather pregnant and hardly sleeping, she's getting away with lots!

Um, my 21mo DS doesn't understand no and tantrums. This is not because of my consistency or parenting skills, but the fact that he is learning the appropriate way to deal with his frustration.

There is a fine line between saying "no" to stop them hurting themselves and "no" because it will create mess that I don't want to deal with. For that reason, I use "not now" for messy stuff, and "no" for a definite no go thing. Mostly. Sometimes I'm a bad mother and get it wrong though.

But I'm awfully glad that Justme23 has a perfect child that never tantrums.

Yes, when it really doesn't matter I try to pick my battles (although I think a 2yo and deoderant probably does matter TBH)

But, once I've said no (or don't) then that's it every single time. It's when you're not consistent about saying what you mean that you get meltdowns. e.g. I'm going to take that away - fuss from child - Oh go on then. If it happens once, it's worth a try every time. If the fuss never gets it's own way, waste of effort for the child. Very young children soon get the message.

If I do its more to do with , I'm physically too ill or tired to stop them.

Carpejugulum I can't seem to find where I have said that my child never tantrums... Enlighten me.

My child has very occasional tantrums like any other 3 yo. Most definitely Less than some, but I do firmly believe this is because I have never allowed it to happen.

What I do object to though, is sniping from other women, would it make me a better parent if my child screamed, tantrummed and behaved destructively?

Sorry, justme - tantrums aren't necessarily because of inconsistent parenting or because you've 'allowed' them. I would bet that all the children on this thread will behave well when they get to school. Also, because they've been taught the difference between things that are a pain and things that are genuinely not allowed because of danger/damage etc they will be much better at controlling themselves than children who've never been allowed to do anything that was a nuisance for their mother to clear up. Too much repression = rebellion.

And picking your battles doesn't mean inconsistency either - it means that there are things you just let them get on with and don't make a silly fuss over when it's not worth it.

I agree with just me that consistently meaning what you say does greatly reduce if not quite eliminate tantrums.

I don't agree that picking your battles is the same thing as being inconsistent. I don't think good discipline means breaking their spirit and they do need opportunities to express themselves, so if a DC of mine is doing something which doesn't really matter to me, but I'd prefer not, I might let that go (choose not to battle). When I say no (reasonably often) I mean it every single time and DC know that, so have no reason to tantrum, as they know full well I'm not going to change my mind.

My child spends slot of time painting, we made papier mâché sponge bobs on Friday. The weekend we spent outside in mud sand galore and pond dipped, so I'm not sure how I'm breaking my child's spirit? Or repressing them by not allowing them to spread toothpaste/shampoo/deodorant around the place.

My child gets danger, I'm not on them 24/7, they have fair common sense.

I don't keep them in a cage fgs, I would just rather my child not grow up with the 'I can do what I flipping well like" attitude that SO many young children seem to have these days. Far too much unacceptable behaviour is attributed to kids "being kids", and when you are somebody who deals with the fallout of this attitude every day at work you develop a different perspective I suppose.

I still sometimes just 'don't see' the behaviour that I don't like but cba to argue about. Normally eating snacks on the floor when I haven't specifically given the instruction to sit at the table. It's not hurting them, they're not going against me as I haven't told them this time and I cba to tell them, they would still listen if I told them though.

yes because I am only human & if I stomped on everything I didn't like there'd be nothing left of me.

OK, it seems like there are several interpretations of pick you battles.

I don't argue about something I'd prefer didn't happen - like tipping 2 or 3 jigsaws over the floor (he's just turned 1), and would never say "no" to that.

Teeth will always be brushed before bed, 3yr old doesn't open the front door without a grown up there.

Want to wear shorts in July when its 10 deg C, fine. Want to wear hat and gloves in the car and tesco, fine.

So I pick a battle, but always the same battles, and don't sweat the small stuff.

Does that make sense?

I think I have more than 2 categories, and I can't be perfect on them all:

Eg:
Thumping somebody who probably thumped you first (or worse): can't be arsed to take sides & unpick the sequence of events which I expect no one will report to me truthfully anyway.
Jumping on furniture: solicits an escalating series of threats, especially if I haven't noticed it at all in previous 3 months.
Letting 3yo out in road unsupervised: rant, review security measures
Letting 1yo escape out to road unsupervised: go ballistic

Toothpaste costs 19p in this household so not really a big deal if it gets slathered about occasionally.

There's me, conscientiously and thoroughly washing DS's hands after stroking animals at the farm. There's him, gleefully sucking the soap off his thumbs ... Yeah, I let him. I thought the taste would put him off, but that's toddlers for you!

I'm not really clear on how you allow a toddler have a tantrum? What is the alternative - when they start screeching because you take the grown up scissors off them? How do you stop them having that tantrum?

Obviously I try to avoid those situations by keeping the dangerous stuff out of reach but he had a growth spurt and I didn't realise he could now reach onto the kitchen counter, for example. He's excited to get hold of something he's not allowed and wants to figure out what it is, so he's disappointed when it gets removed and is expressing that by roaring. How is this to be addressed?

My 3 year old has never had a tantrum. Ever. Things just blow over him.

His older sister started having tantrums (I prefer 'emotional short fusing') when she was just over 1 and is still going strong (occasionally) at 5.

It's a temperament thing, IMHE, rather than a parenting thing, as I do believe that I am only one person.

In answer to OP, yes, all the time. If no-one's getting hurt, nothing that matters is getting damaged, my nerves aren't being shredded and they're having a good time then they are free to make a pirate ship out of the settee cushions and broom or whatever floats their boat.

Do you have more than one child Justme? My ds was an incredibly well behaved 2-3 year old, he never tantrumed, he generally did as he was told and we really thought 'wow, we're blooming good at this parenting lark!'

Dd at 3 however, is the complete opposite. No is not a word she likes to hear and will tantrum over the tiniest thing. Both children have been parented exactly the same, just totally different personalities. I have to pick my battles with her, so if she wants to empty her million hair bobbles all over her bedroom for the millionth time before the school run, fine.... But she will hold my hand all the way on the school run or she goes in the buggy or has her wrist strap on... No negotiating...

If she isn't some sort of Mariah Carey/Beyonce diva when he's older I will eSt my hat!

I have a bit of a fiery toddler, and yes it is sometimes easier to let him do things than just always say no, but there are some things that are non negotiable. So, he would love to play with my make up and tubes etc, but I have taught him that they are "mummy's things" and not toys, so he doesn't. Same with toothpaste, but he's allowed to splash in the sink with his toothbrush even though it makes a mess because it's not causing any long term cost or damage.

He also loves emptying my wallet which is a nuisance, but isn't the end of the world, so I let him as it's easier than wrestling it away from him. If I really cared I would put it out of his sight.

He can play with our kitchen utensils but (after telling him about 500 times) they don't go in his mouth otherwise they get taken away, as frankly I can't be arsed to wash them after each play.

I actually think I am a fairly relaxed parent and try to think "why not" when he wants to do something, but then I have some strong non negotiable rules like no hitting, hold a hand near the road etc.

If you don't have a child who is likely to blow up when you say no, I think it's hard to understand where we're coming from! If "no" is met with screams and sobs it is a lot easier to "pick your battles".

DD often looks like she got dressed in the dark - she is 3.7 and she likes to choose her own clothes.

Yesterday she wore a pink t-shirt, purple dressing up skirt, yellow tights and red wellies. Today is a party so she is wearing her pink fairy dress, bright blue tights and red wellies.

Its easier to let her get on with it. Though I do end up saying 'she dressed herself' alot to people, so they dont think its my responsibility.

Ozzie DD loves emptying my wallet too but she has also got really good at putting all the cards back in, so you get it back pretty much the way it was. So you see, it is important to let your DS practice. :)

vagaceratops your DD sounds like a style icon.

I was very smug with easy going pfb dd and pulled her up on everything, then ds with a will of iron was born and I definitely pick my battles, and let him find out his own consequences sometimes