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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

MIL undermining punishment

36 replies

Pantone363 · 15/07/2012 10:11

DS 4 being v naughty. Mil was taking him and DD to the cinema and he's now been told he's not going (I'd given him 10 warnings at least).

MIL who's v wishy washy at the best of times is CRYING on the phone that he can't go and she was looking forward to it. She doesn't want to take DD on her own and now wants to cancel the trip. Utterly unfair on DD, I really now don't want to say he can go, in fact he's just thrown the toaster on the floor in a tantrum!

Any ideas of a fair way out of this??!

OP posts:

Sarcalogos · 15/07/2012 10:15

Apologise to MiL (through gritted teeth if Nec.). But dot say he can go. Let her cancel the trip.

Explain to DD and DS that granny cancelled the trip because she was disappointed IN DSs behaviour, but tell DD not to worry if she behaves like a big girl and doesn't throw a strop now she will get an extra special treat ASAP. (and what depends on your circumstances- could be cheap ( late bedtime and DVD with mummy), or more similar in price to what she's missed out on.

Original poster

Pantone363 · 15/07/2012 10:24

DD has been up since 7 dressed and ready for the trip . Mil has now gone to ex DP to get him on side. Now he's just called saying cant I just let him go and take something else away.

All well and good when they aren't putting up with it! I'm not having this behaviour through the summer hols and I'm not bloody backing down. If it comes to it, ex DP can have DS and I'll take DD

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MrsTomHardy · 15/07/2012 10:29

I wouldnt back down either.

Stick to your guns. Your kids, your rules

porridgelover · 15/07/2012 10:33

What MrsHardy said.

How much of this attitude from MIL contributed to exDP being ex?
You are the parent......end of.

Dont negotiate but find another way of ''treating'' DD if MIL is going to be a woos.

ZuleikaD · 15/07/2012 10:34

Agree - stick to your guns. If MIL wants to throw a hissy that's not particularly good behaviour for her to model for your DCs but that's her prerogative.

pictish · 15/07/2012 10:39

Your mil is an arse. She would let your dd down, in protest over not getting her own way??
Stupid bloody woman.

seeker · 15/07/2012 10:43

However, this is a brilliant lesson in being incredibly careful in picking your punishments- making sure they don't impact on other people. I remember saying dd couldn't go to her best friend's party- and discovering later (doh!) that best friend had been really upset and it had spoiled her party for her. If mine were going on a treat with grandma, it would spoil it for them if the other one wasn't allowed to go too.

lisaro · 15/07/2012 10:47

Make it plain to MIL that if she's going to let DD down then she won't be able to make plans with the children again. Her loss. That may make her buck her ideas up. And if DS is throwing the toaster about certainly do not give in. 4 or not that's awful behaviour.

CecilyP · 15/07/2012 10:57

I agree with seeker, that it is best not to impose punishments that effect other people. (Or check with the other person that they are happy with that before making your decision) Your MiL was possibly looking forward to taking both her grandchildren to the cinema and you have spoilt that for her.

Not sure what to suggest to resolve things now.

ByTheWay1 · 15/07/2012 11:00

I agree with seeker - why choose to punish your MIL for your son's bad behaviour?

From her point of view ...she was not the one doing the punishing and does not want to punish your son by not taking him, or appearing to favour your daughter by just taking her..... she had a trip planned, your punishment has changed it - I don't think she is protesting about not getting her own way - just cheesed off that plans to spend the day with both her grandkids have changed through you deciding to not let one of them go.

I would choose your punishments carefully...

pictish · 15/07/2012 11:01

If it were me (and I'm certainly no pushover, believe me) I would relent and let him go. I agree with whoever said about choosing punishments that don't affect other people.

However, if I were the grandma in this situation, I would accept it and take the child that is allowed to go - so I still think mil is in the wrong.

It sounds as if you have some issues with your son....throwing a toaster to the floor is quite extreme behaviour. I am not suprised you want to be sticking to your guns!

Original poster

Pantone363 · 15/07/2012 11:44

Thanks for the replies. I could've taken something else away, but then letting him off to the cinema when he'd been bloody naughty seemed wrong .

The throwing the toaster was in the middle of a 30 min tantrum when he realised I really wasn't going to let him go. He just swiped it off the side on to the floor. I made him clean all the crumbs up though

OP posts:

itdoesnthurttohavemanners · 15/07/2012 11:47

I'd say your problem started with the '10 warnings at least'

How many warnings does a naughty child need?!!! It was never going to end well...;)

I agree with seeker

Original poster

Pantone363 · 15/07/2012 12:04

I know, 10 warnings is no good. But it was a combination of small things and not one big thing.

He is now going. Pressure for MIL and ex was ridiculous. I have sat him down and explained that this is a one off retraction!!

OP posts:

seeker · 15/07/2012 12:54

What are you replacing the punishment with? Because you know you have to do that and carry it through, don't you?

Original poster

Pantone363 · 15/07/2012 14:58

I didn't replace it . He was so grateful because I let him go that he went off and cleaned the playroom up on his own without being asked. Do you think he still needs another punishment?

God I'm crap at this

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HecateHarshPants · 15/07/2012 15:17

I think in future try to think carefully about the implications of the punishment you choose.

also - if you have cocked up, save face by allowing them to earn their treat back.

So tidying the playroom really well would have earned the cinema back.

He feels good because it's possible to redeem yourself (iyswim), you avoid him thinking that there's no point in behaving well once something's been taken away but instead teach him that he can sort it out and make good. Which is a good lesson.

and you don't come across as a wishy washy no no no no ok yes then parent. Which is also important.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/07/2012 15:24

After the fact now, but I think MIL was behaving badly not wanting to take your DD on her own. And it's nothing to do with your ex-P.

I agree with lisaro: 'Make it plain to MIL that if she's going to let DD down then she won't be able to make plans with the children again.'

Viviennemary · 15/07/2012 15:28

I agree with seeker. It's a shame if your mil and DD were both looking forward to the cinema and the trip won't be the same for them if your DS is missing. I think you've done the right thing in relenting this once. Rules applied without common sense are no good. Keep telling myself that!

Finallygotaroundtoit · 15/07/2012 15:37

As you now realise, you shouldn't have used MIl's treat as your punishment for DS. That was very unfair on her and DD.

Use things that are totally in your control, only impact on the child and be consistent

Thumbwitch · 15/07/2012 15:44

I agree that your MIL was a complete PITA to undermine your punishment; but also agree that you have to be a little more circumspect about the punishments you choose, making sure that they will only affect the guilty party adversely.

I, for e.g., never tell DS that he can't go to playgroup because then I'll suffer from having to stay at home with him and not see any of my friends - so I'll choose almost any other punishment than that one!

Sorry that you got no support though - it's not good for you to feel undermined in your parenting and quite possibly your DS is picking up on that and behaving worse as a result. Glad he tidied up of his own accord though - that shows a good response. (And you're not crap at this, it's bloody hard!)

Original poster

Pantone363 · 15/07/2012 16:58

It's difficult picking out a suitable punishment. Ex DP has access to the kids everyday. So I remove a favourite toy here, but DS isn't really bothered because he has other favourite toys here.

I asked ex not to let him on any iPhone/iPads last week as he had been banned for two days. DP let him on the iPad because he was well behaved

I can't send him to his room because he hates being upstairs on his own (genuinely doesn't like it)

I'll have to be more clever with my punishments

OP posts:

Original poster

Pantone363 · 15/07/2012 16:59

Other favourite toys THERE

OP posts:

Finallygotaroundtoit · 16/07/2012 07:28

Looks like his room is the best punishment then!

Thumbwitch · 16/07/2012 09:34

Your ex is being really rather stupid about it - "disney" dad doesn't do any child any favours, consistent parenting and boundaries are the best things for the children. Are you on sufficiently civil terms with him that you could have that discussion before your DS's behaviour gets any harder to deal with?

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