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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

have you left your baby to cry at night?

39 replies

moondolphin · 20/06/2012 16:46

and if so, any regrets?

I'm at a point when I think we may need to let DS cry for a bit. He used to wake often at night, then slept well for a short period (so I know he can do it), but has now started waking again, seemingly to just get us to come and say hello, as he is not hungry, wet, in need of anything in particular (he usually stops as soon as we come in).

thing is I worry that, if we let him cry (with the aim of teaching him to go back to sleep without us), he might hate me in the morning / lose his confidence.

he is 5 months and 1 week (I know I know - sleep training isn't meant to start until 6 months)

Any thoughts much appreciated!
Have you let your baby 'cry it out' and did it work? was he/she still the same baby the next morning??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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mrsv2 · 20/06/2012 16:52

I know you must be desperate for a full night sleep but 5 months is still very young. Have you tried not speaking / eye contact when you go in and just patting their tummy without looking at them. Just to give reassurance, otherwise I would do the leave a min, go back in, leave 2 mins etc. he won't hate you in the morning but leaving a baby to cry is hard. Is he teething?? Hungry??? Or may be just a phase that he needs night time cuddles

OliveandJim · 20/06/2012 16:53

5 months is a huge developmental leap, I wouldn't let him cry... He needs his mummy, why would you not grant him your reassuring and loving presence /comfort? It's prefectly normal for very young babies to sleep well and then regress every time they go through a huge leap. There will be more coming along.

GnocchiNineDoors · 20/06/2012 17:06

He might be having his Four Month sleep regression late. Dd did 6.30-6.30 before that age and we are slowly getting back on track with no sleep trqining. Its what they need. I found as soon as I acceptes that dd needes extra milk in the nights I found it easier.

Original poster

moondolphin · 20/06/2012 17:14

he definitely isn't hungry (and still has a night feed anyway). He wakes, yells, see me, goes back to sleep.

You're probably right though. I had endless patience up until a week ago, but after he started sleeping and I remembered what it was like to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, I kind of lost it.

Guess I should hang in there. Leaving him to cry is against all my instincts, but then we do keep wondering - could we solve our sleep problems by giving it a go?? Ok, not yet. Thanks ladies for your replies.

OP posts:

isthistheendthistime · 20/06/2012 17:23

No, and I never would (15 months). Forget all the rules in the (misguided) books, you know it feels wrong to leave him, so don't.

Have you tried co-sleeping if you're tired though?

Original poster

moondolphin · 20/06/2012 17:43

yes he co-slept for a while. Now he comes into the bed in the early hours - it's the final wild card and only way to get him to sleep after 5.30am

OP posts:

kittybloom · 20/06/2012 18:16

Yes for short periods. No regrets at all. Honestly, I think lots of parents do although at what age depends on your child and how you feel about it.

mawbroon · 20/06/2012 18:28

I did it with ds1 as he was a dreadful sleeper. It sort of worked, but then all we needed was illness, or being away from home, or any little upset and his sleeping went back to square one. We had to do it several times and in the end, it didn't work.

I have since learned that he was tongue tied, has a high palate and suffered from sleep apnea. No wonder he couldn't stay asleep.

And I really regret leaving him to cry now I know all this.

Original poster

moondolphin · 20/06/2012 18:58

sobering stuff, mawbroon. Guess you can never know.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 20/06/2012 19:02

Yes - and much earlier than 5 months. I only had to do it once and DS never had any problems getting to sleep after the one night. I have absolutely no regrets.

However I get flamed on Mumsnet every time I mention this and so I don't think you will get many positive responses - of course there are babies who will be left to cry it out, but the view of Mumsnet is that this is one of the worst parenting crimes so those of us in favour of controlled crying have learned to shut up about it.

My DS is 11 now so you can tell how long I have had to put up with the flaming for ........... perhaps I should change my name .

Longtalljosie · 20/06/2012 19:11

Not deliberately. But when DD was small and had been sleeping very badly for nights on end, she woke up crying one night at 4am and I couldn't move, I was so exhausted. I just lay there willing myself to get up and instead passed back out . I woke up with a jolt two hours later and went and checked - she was fast asleep - tbh she couldn't have been crying for long or DH would have woken up but I still felt rubbish about it...

Original poster

moondolphin · 20/06/2012 19:18

ha ha ragwort
I'm sure lots of people do it. It's just all my friends seem to have angel babies so I haven't got any telling me it's definitely ok. Maybe at 6 months...

OP posts:

DilysPrice · 20/06/2012 19:22

I'm an advocate for a little bit of controlled crying, which worked wonders with my two when they were about 9 months old but only at bedtime, starting with a final cuddle and a goodnight kiss. If they wake up in the middle of the night, when it's dark and they're confused, they need to know that someone will come to them, especially when they're so little.

If, once they're reassured and hugged and everything has been checked out, you then want to put them back in their cot even if they're still grumpy, then I guess you could, but I think 5 months is still too young, and it would be very hard on the nerves.

kittybloom · 20/06/2012 19:23

ragwort agreed. I was going to make the exact same point but feared the consequences!

DialMforMummy · 20/06/2012 19:55

Yes, I did at about 6 months. DS was waking up at about 4am every night so one day we decided to go for it.
It was hard to hear him cry but I still don't regret it! He is now a great sleeper and if he ever wakes up in he night, we know there is a problem.

hardboiledpossum · 20/06/2012 20:23

I tried CC it didn't work and made DS incredibly insecure and clingy. He followed me around the house for a week sobbing. It was the saddest thing. I wish I hadn't tried.

TheProvincialLady · 20/06/2012 20:27

No I didn't. DS1 was a rubbish sleeper and like mawbroom's son, he later turned out to have lactose intolerance and was just unomfortable or in pain, poor lamb, so I'm glad I didn't let him cry. Obviously not all babies who cry at night have health problems, but I still couldn't leave a baby to cry - it physically hurts me even to hear someone else's baby crying!

Whizkidwithacrazystreak · 20/06/2012 20:41

Yes, it works, if you can accurately assess the nature of the cry. There are cries and then there are CRIES. I found it easy to distinguish between a cried caused from pain, to one caused by attention seeking. If you can master this, then let them cry as it makes for an easier road ahead.

queenofthepirates · 20/06/2012 20:44

Controlled crying yes, definitely, but maybe not quite yet..... Your sanity is really important too and you've got to look after yourself.

I'm a big fan of Angela Henderson's book-it's on Amazon. My DD cracked the method in one night and sleeps marvellously (14 hours a night plus daytime naps). If she's ill, all the books go out the window and we cuddle up and co sleep until she's feeling better and then she goes back to her own bed. It's gentle and humane and kind and she knows her mum will be there when she wakes up.

In the meantime, have you tried stuffing a bit of cloth down your bra and giving it to baby to hold onto when they sleep? It simply reminds them you're close by when they wake up.

ceeveebee · 20/06/2012 20:48

I did a type of cc at bedtime with DTS who was younger than your baby at the time (I am not going to say his age as I will get flamed). After making sure he did not have wind or a dirty nappy, I would leave him for 5 minutes, then go back in, pat him, do another 5 etc. He always dropped off to sleep in less than 15-20 minutes. It took a few nights, but now he totally self settles and sleeps 12-13 hr stretches.

I have never done it in the middle of the night, it is so unusual for him or DTD to wake that there would be a reason (teeth, colds etc) so I always go to them straight away and try (in this order) pat, shush, cuddle, feed, whatever works!

Mayamama · 21/06/2012 16:07

Have you tried letting him cry whilst you are with him? I bf mine until finished, then set him next to me and when he cries, just hold him lovingly, listening to him without trying to soothe him. Once he is done crying, he falls asleep happily. You might want to refer to Aletha Solter's book "The Aware baby" to understand the approach better.

Sleep training - no, and I would doubt the stories about "it took one night and he has slept 14h since". It may work in a few exceptional cases but many children are resistant to it, and the need to "retrain" will come back with a vengeance with every tooth, developmental milestone and other issue.

THe question is also why would you want to do that? Your baby will grow up quicker than you realise and your connection to him will diminish faster if you take away that tender time of supporting him at night. Getting up once a night for your child is not really that much...

queenofthepirates · 21/06/2012 20:17

Mayamama
It's true! My DD sleeps 14 hour stretches (come and marvel). Yes she does need help to regain self soothing skills after teething or illness but it does work and our bond is very good thank you.

Some parents do need some time away from their children and it's wrong to make them feel inadequate or guilty because they choose to sleep train at the appropriate time. I'm a single mother trying to run two businesses to keep body, soul and our finances together. It is so important that my DD and I work around one another. We have all day together to be tender, loving and then evening is mine to work. My choice and that of countless other parents and needs to be respected please.

and for what it's worth, we are often complimented on what a happy little girl my DD is so there!

Mayamama · 21/06/2012 21:08

queen, good for you! Only not everyone is so lucky and it is not because they don't do it well/early/etc enough.

ButtonBoo · 21/06/2012 21:18

Your brave OP!! Starting a CIO thread!

No, no CIO here. Just not my thing. I will say that nearly all the babies I know who are same age as my DD (8mo) started waking more at night at 5-6 months, even if they were great sleepers before. DD was the same. I figured it was the start of separation anxiety and I'd pop my head round the door or go over and smooth her hair and she'd just go right back to sleep. If it is the start of sep. anxiety, letting them CIO will just be so traumatic for them. I might understand if they were just crying and crying for no apparent reason (and tbh, I don't believe they manipulate at this age, or cry for no real reason) but if all you need to do is walk in the room and they go back to sleep...how hard is that?!

DD is 8mo now and back to sleeping 7pm-5:30am. It will pass.

EBDTeacher · 21/06/2012 21:36

I've never let my DS cry. He is now 22 months and, to be honest, absolutely crap at sleeping. He self-settles happily at bed time but wakes most nights and cries. Some nights I can tell it's just an 'oh bugger, I'm awake' whinge and he goes back to sleep. Other nights it's 'Are you there Mummy?' and then I get up. I always want the answer to that question to be yes.

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