Just confirmed my suspicions that DS, 10, has been taking money from my purse. Advice needed please

[LackaDAISYcal]

Apologies in advance, this turned out to be a bit of a saga!

've noticed over the last few weeks that I haven't had as much loose change in my purse as I thought, but put it down to me being a bit vacant. I know for sure that over the weekend I had four 50p pieces in amongst some little bits of shrapnel, but when I went to buy milk after the school run on Monday I only had the shrapnel left.
I have suspected DS of taking money from my other DC's piggy banks and taking any loose change he has found lying around. When he's been asked, he has always flatly denied anything, but I've found sweet wrappers in his pockets that I haven't bought, and random corner shop tat lying around. His explanations range from x gave it to me, I swapped my lunchboxes. biscuit for it, even once he found a pound on the way to school.

Anyway he denied knowledge of the misding 50ps, but my suspicions were still raised. I made it clear to him that If I found out he has been stealing from me he would be in a lot of trouble. He solemly promised it wasn't him and that he eoukd never do such a thing. This morning I asked him to turn out his pockets so I could make sure he didn't have any money, not really expecting him too, but &e had a £2 coin. I had put 2 of them on my chest of dtawers when I got in from work last night. A quick check and there was only one. He swears he got his one In his wallet (he has had no money in Itfor months) and has no idea where mine coukd have gone and that he didn't take It.

I had to send him off to school as he was going to be late, but clearly need to deal with him when he comes home. The taking of money is one thing, but what Is really getting to me is the blatant lying and denial. He has form for this in the past. And I'm also worrying that he may have bern Involved in/responsible for theft of some money from a classmate a few months ago.

Oops pressed send too soon.

Any advice would be greatfully received, though it's taken me so long to write this that I may not have time to reply as I'm going out soon.

TIA :)

Oh no

My brother could lie very convincingly and duped our mother on a number of occasions. I think he would actually convince himself it was the truth. He's in the police force and a very respectable member of his community now though, so I don't think it had any lasting effects!

I think your main obstacle will be that he'll panic, feel like he's been backed into a corner and will just deny it, even in the face of evidence. Is he the sort of boy who might come clean under the right circumstances or is psychological warfare in order..?

He will come clean eventually, I just wish I didn't have to wade through hours of his "how very dare you blame me..." attitude.

Reassuring that your brother is now law abiding; I have visions of DS being on the slippery slope to a life of crime, drugs (fairly sure it is for the buying of boost energy drinks ) and male prostitution.

My main realistic concern is that he knows it's wrong, but still continues

Do you know which shop he is spending the money at? Is there any chance you could put a small mark on the coins and ask the shop keeper to put it aside, and you can then check to get solid proof? Then you can cut short the 'how very dare you's short.

On some level he must have justified this theft and feels he is somehow entitled to these sweets and drinks. The question is why. Perhaps go in at a different angle and ask him why he feels he needs this money so much?

His friends are always at the shops buying stuff or at the ice-cream van every day. I see his best friend with an energy drink and crisps most mornings, even though the school regularly send letters home reminding parents of the healthy eating policy.

It's only recently I've allowed him a snack sized twix/kitkat etc in his lunchbox, as I take school healthy eating policy seriously. I relented on that as he said he was being laughed at for having a pot of veg/salad. I assume he is just trying to keep in with his friends, if they are being allowed money to spend on crap. Or maybe they are all at it. An age thing? Or a dare?

I just don't know how to discipline him. Take away his walking to school on his own priviledge? Deny him any treats/pocket money till he has repaid me? He earns money for helping with household chores, but it builds up In the bank of Dad until he has enough saved to buy a toy/magazine/book etc.

I don't want to be too heavy handed as our relationship is quite fragile, but equally want him to realise that it isn't on to take money (of which we have precious little at the moment)

you have 2 threads OP? I posted on the other one.

I posted on other thread too...

Sounds to an outsider like he's trying to 'keep up' with his friends. I think both your suggestions of paying it back and temporally removing his walking to school sound fair and proportionate - although I'm sure he won't see it that way! Good luck.

Another thought, if you are worried about it damaging your relationship could you get him involved in choosing his punishment. Sort of 'obviously this isn't reasonable behaviour and as a parent I have to find a fair way of teaching you that. Would you prefer I removed your TV or your walking to school or your XYZ privilege?' and then let him choose. Would also give you an insight into what he most values.

arsing HTC phone I did wonder why it showed twice in my threads I'm on.

I'll ask MN to delete one of them...

Meanwhile back at the ranch, have interrogated, he cracked and admitted he has been doing it for a few weeks, started off with just 20p-ish but has been taking bigger amounts, recently a pound a day. And his best friend who I've seen a few times coming out of the shop only had money as he has badgered his mum for it as "Daisy's DS has money every day"

I want to kill him, I am so angry.

At least he came clean and admitted it, even if under duress. He's learnt some valuable lessons; Mum's not stupid and that the few coins he took had real value to them and were missed.

Instead of killing him, sit back and daydream about how you will drop this little gem of a story into conversation when he gets married/graduates Uni/has his own child.

I would be very angry at first and punish him. He has behaved badly and needs to know that.

But then I would start thinking about whether this is not the time when he might need some pocket money over which he has total control (though you obviously can't introduce it now, when he has misbehaved, but maybe a bit later).

It does sound like his pocket money isn't really his, it has to be controlled by his dad until he has enough to buy something that you consider worthy. So he's still being treated like a little boy who can't make decisions on his own, while some of his mates are more independent. Imo part of the pocket money experience is about being free to make mistakes and learning from your mistakes before you are old enough for your mistakes to have serious consequences.

He is growing up and ideally imo you should be aiming at a little more independence. By the time he goes to secondary (which is not far off) his peers almost certainly will be allowed into town on their own; in a few years' time they will probably be responsible for buying some of their own clothes.

What has worked for us is to have a small set sum which the children get weekly and over which they have complete control (unless they want to spend it on something illegal or completely immoral). Yes, they may buy crap, but tbh so do I as an adult. If you keep the sum modest but regular, they will not be able to buy too much crap. By the time they go up to secondary they get a monthly allowance and have to start keeping themselves in some extras such as deodorants and clothes-beyond-the-necessary-everyday. By the time they get to Sixth Form they will be getting a bigger allowance and have to keep themselves in clothes and trips out etc from that. The idea is to have them trained in money management before they go to uni.

I agree wholeheartedly with cory.

He has done this for a reason and you need to work out the reason and deal with it.

You do need to let him know how unacceptable it is to steal but I'm not sure that a punishment is the right way forward.

What does he need so much that he is willing to risk so much to get it? Is he buying friendship and therefore self-esteem? Is he resentful that he is not allowed to spend money he has earned as and when he sees fit? Is he craving sweets because he needs to comfort eat? Is he being bullied? Is he craving attention? Is he over worried about your financial situation and thinking that treats will stop if he doesn't get them himself?

It may be none of the above but there is clearly something driving him to do this and I doubt that it is pure and simple greed.

I would go with the suggestion of giving him weekly pocket money for a start and giving him free rein to spend it as he wishes. Then I'd look for some opportunities to have a non-confrontational chat and see how he feels about school/friendships/home life etc just in case he's struggling somewhere and unable to bring it up with you.

Try to show more disappointment than anger and let him know that you're worried about him taking things and you want to help him rather than punish him.

Agree he needs help as much as sanctions.

The root cause is vital

I took small change from my dads coin pot to buy sweets on my way to school. Mums deep depression and my parents fighting left me wanting to fit in at school. A supply of sweets helped

I also denied every time dad asked

I agree that after a period of punishment his pocket money should be his own. My 6 year old gets a pound a week it's his choice whether to save or spend.

Does he have regular money of his own?

Ah, sorry, I see that he doesn't.

I think that's where you're going wrong.

I think children should have some money every week that they can do what they want with. And shouldn't be earned- it should just be automatically given to them. They should do jobs round the house because they are members of the family community and everyone has to help keep things running smoothly. They should also have a little money because we live in a society where it is difficult to function without. These two things should not be connected with each other. I think they should also be able to earn extra money by doing extra jobs ( not every day ones like setting the table, but big ones like washing the car). I think at 10 he might be resenting earning money but not being allowed to have it.

If I were you, I would sit down with ds tonight and talk it over calmly. Say that you know he took the money, and ask him what he thinks you should do about it. Then say that you understand about him needing money but he should have talked to you about it. Judge his ration. If he seems thoughtful and remorseful, say OK, let's draw a line under this now. From now on, I will give you £2 every Saturday that you can do whatever you like with. And if I ever catch you stealing again [a big sanction] will happen. If it was my ds the big sanction would be no football- you will know what will hit your ds hardest.

Then just move on.

i think this is probably a phase that some children go through - i know i did it once or twice probably like the other posters have said because it was a time when i wasn't given (enough) pocket money.i didn't feel guilty - i felt entitled to it. my mum had it just sat there and i needed it.
i agree with what seeker said.

if it is a reoccuring thing i would drag his backside down the police station so they can have a chat with him....most community bobbies will have a strong word with him....i did this with 2 of mine and the police were very helpful...they never did it again ....but i am a believer of tuff parenting, when the behaviour is not acceptable

agree with others that he needs his own money

I used to take money from mum's purse as I was never allowed sweets and stuff. He definitely needs his own money and own control over it

I wouldn't do the police station thing. It needs talking over, not amateur dramatics.

i wouldnt see the need to take him to the police station only message that gives is that his parents cant manage his behaviour adequatly.

I used to take money from my mums purse too, at worst I actually stole £20 from my dads wallet - god knows how I never got caught, but my parents were never good at tracking money and my dad was very protective over me against my mother so even if he noticed he probably wouldn't have said anything...

There was no real reason why I did it, I think I just went through a phase of kleptomania as a child which has only reared its ugly head once since becoming an adult when I was particularly angry by service in a shop and was contemplating pocketing a few small, cheap items for revenge, but I managed to suppress it.

Like others above, I would say you should try not to worry too much about this being a permanent problem - most children go through a stage of testing their boundaries. I don't think it would be wise to reward the situation by giving him his own money immediately, but maybe speak to him about whether that's what he wants and say that, once time has passed and he's proven he can be trusted not to take other peoples money, that it's what will happen.

I would probably punish but I'm not quite sure how to punish a 10 year old, DD is only 2 and I've never thought about that kind of thing and am yet to do any reading about punishment techniques which actually work.

erm seeker and dangerous...i did say if it was reoccuring....then i would...