Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DS (9) swore at his friend, did I handle this OK?

41 replies

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 14:54

DS came out if school very subdued yesterday. He told me he needed to tell me something, the school didn't know but he had done something really bad, so knew he had to tell me. He had a silly falling out with his best friend, who then pushed him over. DS told friend to fuck off! This is incredibly out of character and DS said he felt awful about it. I asked him what on earth made him do that.

He said he couldn't control his anger and it frightened him. I told him that it is disgusting behaviour and that I felt ashamed and do should he. He agreed that he does.

I told him the impression I would have of a child who did that, and we discussed whether he would like to be thought of that way. We also talked about how having swear makes a person look stupid and inarticulate as they clearly lack the language ability to express themselves in an appropriate fashion.

I told him I was very disappointed in him and that if he ever does anything like that again there will be a harsh and immediate punishment. Then I left it alone as he had felt bad/scared enough to tell me what he had done in the first place.
I also explained that he needs to learn to control his anger by walking away and counting to 10 etc.

I also spoke to the other child's mum as she had a right to know DS had used that language to her child. Luckily, she really likes DS and knows this is out of character.

OP posts:

Original poster

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 14:55

Afghhh posted too soon. Should I have punished him, or did I do enough?

OP posts:

MrsPlugThePlumber · 25/05/2012 14:57

Not much helpful to say, but I'd be pleased he felt he could tell me. I wouldn't have "punished" either.

Original poster

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 14:58

That's my feeling, that the important thing is he knew it was wrong and should/could tell me about it

OP posts:

Shodan · 25/05/2012 15:11

I don't think a punishment is necessary. In fact it sounds like you handled it perfectly.

Original poster

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 15:43

Ah thank you, I was so shocked that I have been ruminating about it and not trusting my reaction. As it is my parenting that has raised such a little beast!

OP posts:

piji · 25/05/2012 15:50

Normal for his age. The only difference is that he's told you about it.

Seems a pity to make him feel it's "disgusting" and that you're ashamed of him.

Clearly quite a lot of guilt in the kid.

IMO you over-reacted.

CCsgirl · 25/05/2012 15:58

Did you speak to his friends mum about the fact her child had physically pushed your son over? Were you not concerned about that?

GobblersKnob · 25/05/2012 16:04

I think you were quite harsh tbh. I would have told ds that I was proud of him to come and tell me something that was worrying him so much and that he obviously felt so bad about.

I would have then tried to get him to come up with better strategies for dealing with the same situation should it arise in the future.

If I were you now, I would apologise and say you were shocked by what he told you and spoke to soon, then try and work it through with him.

GobblersKnob · 25/05/2012 16:06

If you look at your post you have tild your son-

His behaviour is digusting
You are ashamed of him
People that swear look stupid
If he does it again he will face harsh punishment.

If he does it again do you really think there is a chance in hell he will tell you?

Bletchley · 25/05/2012 16:08

You are obviously a non-swearer yourself! unlike me

I think you have done all you need to do. You needed to help him with his out-of-control feeling, and you have.

I have taught mine that some words are unacceptable in some circumstances and they will get no sympathy from me if they get into trouble for swearing. They often refer to "words I couldn't say in front of my mother" I haven't really taught them that swearing itself is bad as this would be hypocritical

Mollydoggerson · 25/05/2012 16:11

I think you over reacted.

He sounds like a very good boy.

ThatGhastlyWoman · 25/05/2012 16:50

I also think he sounds like a very good boy. You should be very proud of him (rather than 'disgusted') for coming to you with this and could, perhaps, have been a bit more gentle with him and explored what he could have done/said differently without being as judgemental and angry.

To be honest, I would be far, far more bothered about the friend pushing him over than your son's use of a bit of bad language: that and the 'silly falling out'. But then I am a bit sweary...

Original poster

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 17:09

Ah now I am not bothered by a bit of pushing and shoving, that is in my experience of expected bad behaviour at 9 years old. Telling your mates to fuck off isn't! I am a fairly permissive hippy (but maybe not if this thread is anything to go by) and I was shocked.

I take on board that some feel I over reacted, maybe my language was too harsh, my tone certainly wasn't. DS knows he can tell me anything and he will be in less trouble if he tells me something, rather than me hearing it from someone else.

In all honesty though, how would you feel if your child came home at that age & told you that their friend had spoken to them like that? I would be keeping my eye on the child in question, and WOULD judge- but maybe I am wrong.

BTW: I swear like a cunting docker when DC not around, but I do many things as an adult that I wouldnt be happy about a child doing

OP posts:

Original poster

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 17:10

He is a very good boy, but I really felt he needed to understand that he must not do it again. I posted for advice though, so accept I was heavy handed. I didnt shout and he knows he can speak to me about anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 17:15

aggghhh back again. Also, I don't think it is 'normal' or 'common' behaviour at his school, because he said the other children who heard were very shocked...

OP posts:

TheMightyMojoceratops · 25/05/2012 17:20

It seems like he already has his own internal compass to tell him he shouldn't do it, i.e. the guilt. He recognises it's wrong, and I think it would be helpful to work with that, getting him to regulate his own behaviour, and not enforced compliance due to external threats /punishments. Rather than focusing on what he did, did you focus at all on how he felt at the time - if someone pushes you over, it's okay to feel angry, surely? But what could he have done instead? We all get angry sometimes and I'd rather my child used words to express their anger than physical violence (though I'd prefer non-swearing words, imho it has it's place in the right social circles and context. Most swear-words have their roots in Anglo-Saxon, there's a reason they've survived that long...)

My mum always told me if she caught me swearing she'd wash my mouth out with soap... she never caught me. (Considers namechanging to TheMightyMotherfuckingMojoceratops...)

Shodan · 25/05/2012 18:56

Hmm. I still think you handled it just right, but then I have never in my life told anyone to fuck off. I would be horrified if ds1 had done that at age 9- not, to be fair, that it has stopped him swearing at the xbox (he's 16 now). However, he still gets into trouble in this house if we hear him and in fact have punished him for it by removing xbox privileges.

Imo, the use of the word fuck and (also cunt) has become far too commonplace and is frequently used as part of everyday conversation. I never heard it when I was growing up- we are a non-sweary kind of family- and none of my friends used it. I've always thought that there are better ways to express yourself.

timetoask · 25/05/2012 19:04

Hmmm, I think your choice of words were very harsh.
I wouldn't tell my DS i am disappointed in him.
I would also make a point of acknowledging since he was upset about it is shows he knows its wrong, and that I am happy he felt he could come to me.
I would have said he needs to apologise to his friend.

Original poster

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 19:13

The swearing makes you sound dim thing, is something we have talked about when subjected to the vile language used by secondary school children on the bus. I explained that it shows a lack of imagination and makes people seem inarticulate.

I was very disappointed in him, and I think he should have felt briefly ashamed of himself. I really feel it is quite seriously bad behaviour.

He had already apologised to his friend and all the other children who heard him.

I do have high expectations of my DC, but we all have an awful lot of fun too, because they behave nicely (most of the time, they are not freaky little robots) they get to go to fun places and spend time with great people- them telling people to fuck off, doesn't fit in too well with that!

OP posts:

Original poster

DialsMavis · 25/05/2012 19:15

I think it's a good point to talk to him about how he could have reacted appropriately

OP posts:

NeverendingStoryteller · 26/05/2012 14:46

I think you did very well indeed. I think that it is entirely appropriate to give children a clear message that certain behaviours are not ever permitted and are disappointing. I assume that you don't use shame on a regular basis to discipline your kids? If you don't use shame very often, it can be a powerful tool to show a child when something is completely unacceptable. I liked that you debriefed it all with him and got him to think about alternative ways of dealing with a similar situation. I have boys, and they play with foul-mouthed little scumbags children every now and then, and both have had similar from me. It seems to be working. For all the people who said that your son won't tell you next time - you'll get to find out one way or another, I'm sure. He probably knows that, too.

jubilee10 · 26/05/2012 16:37

I think you over reacted. He was clearly shocked and upset at being pushed over and reacted with the "worst" thing he could think of. He knew it was something he shouldn't have said and told you so. I'm sorry you find that disappointing.

ProcrastinateWildly · 26/05/2012 16:40

Telling him his behaviour was disgusting was over the top imo. The person who pushed him over was in the wrong. Telling someone who has pushed you over to fuck off is a fair reaction.

turnigitonitshead · 26/05/2012 16:43

I think harsh and you did not talk to him about friend pushing him over not being ok , so the impression you gave him was if someone does something to him he must never swear as it seems it is a mortal sin, yet he now does not know he should have handled the situation better, so in future he can be pushed around and he needs to suck it up. Poor lad

turnigitonitshead · 26/05/2012 16:47

ah I missed your last op

Flip

1 2