Advice (not a thrashing please) about what to do in this situation, feel awful.

[nosleepwithworry]

I have a niece who is now 9. She is a handful, swears, uses racially innapropriate language, will not do as she is told, doesnt go to sleep till after 11pm every night, is cheeky and argumentative (probably a great deal of normal 9 year old behaviour) But i find it very difficult to deal with for any longer than a short amount of time.

School has my sister in regulalry over the problems and have tried all sorts of things from stickers to one to one, to seperating her from kids who are influential etc etc.

My niece lives at my mums house up to 6 nights a week due to my sisters work hours. My mum is as she was when we were kids, agressive, swears, argumentative.....you can see where my niece gets this all from cant you.

My mum has little control over my niece tbh, niece listens to just about nothing my mum says.

Anyway, we have been invited to a family do in the summer, we aim to go with our caravan (me, dh & ds aged 8). We are making a weekend of it and going earlier and staying a bit longer.

My sister has just txt me saying she is unable to get the day off work, to ensure that niece doesnt miss out ont he do, can i take her with us?

I REALLY dont want to, i know niece will dominate the whole thing and will ruin it for us all. Its for an entire weekend too, not a few hours which is challenging enough.
Im not in favour of shouting at some one elses child, i am not comfortable with my ds being exposed to her bad language and to witness her bad behaviour.

Thing is, every one is very very negative about my niece except me...im always saying to my sister that niece is just pushing boundries....you know stuff to make my sister feel better about it, so she doesnt think i have any problem with niece...id but have never ever said anything to her.

What can i diplomatically do here??
seriously stressed and feel so very bad.

Why don't you talk to your niece? Make her realise that her behaviour means she's at risk of missing out on a fab trip because no one can handle her. Try and make her see the consequences of her actions?
IMHO, honnesty is the bed rock of resolving any conflict. Your niece would perhaps be a gentler creature if she felt cared about. With her mum either at work or out partying perhaps she feels unloved? Having an adult take time to talk to her and listen to her might make a little difference.
With the final outcome being, to let her come along but on the condition that she behaves, listens to you, does not swear and is kind to your son?

I do feel sorry for your niece as her behaviour is always going to be demanding and rather unpleasant whilst under the care of your mother and her own mother who isn't stepping to the mark to make sure her child is priority (my opinion only).

I do not see why your weekend should be ruined because of it. I would say a firm no it is not possible. If your sister asks you say that your children and you struggle with her behaviour.

I think it is time your sister wised up to what is going on whilst she's not there. I know balancing work/life is really hard to do but it is her child and nothing will change until your sister begins to unravel the mess and then help her daughter get back onto a happy track. You can help with this but you cannot do it.

Your niece seems to be crying out for help. Misbehaving is often an attempt at getting attention. Don't punish your niece for your sisters' and your mother's shortcomings. A week end away from them might be exactly the medeicne th e9 year old needs.... and you might be surprised at how she behaves when cared about. Maybe your sister won't listen, but with a 9 year old you have all the chances to make a difference once you take her out of this toxic environment....

Thanks so much for all of your logic, and wise words, it is helping me to make the right decison.

I take on board what you say.

I spose i feel obliged to so many people here, my niece, my sister, my son, myself, i am just getting mixed up. Feel guilty about everything.

I have had a few heart to hearts with my sister, still feel like she isnt listening, i just feel sorry for her, but at the same time, frustrated.

It looks to all intents and purposes that im talking crap, but i hope that you can see why. I am absolutely torn.

What really resonates with me is what one poster said further up. "just one positive role model in a childs life is all it takes to make a difference" I believe that i am that person for dn....hence my guilty feelings that i just cant do anymore.
I know that my sister has told dn that no one will like her if she behaves the way she does...which implies that my sister is aware that this behaviour is not good...yet she doesnt do anything to help dn.

Fundamentally i feel that dn feels unloved. Of this i am acutely aware and i go out of my way to tell her how gorgeous she looks today and how much ive missed her cos i love her and stuff like that..again, its a little way to help her.

TBH ive just had my 7th mc, i dont have the energy or strength to take this on. Its proving a challenge being mum to my own little boy, i just want to just worry about him and not other folks kids....guilt guilt selfish guilt

Yeah good idea, at the moment im trying to spend time with my ds, while i was in hospital he kept asking if i was going to die, so im trying to concentrate on reassuring and rebuild his confidence, poor lad.

I definitely think that one to one would be best for dn..when i feel up to it.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I think some one to one time with your niece (preferably without having to have her to stay overnight or go on holiday with you!) would be a nice start, if you think you can make a difference for her. But not before you are emotionally strong enough to cope with it!

nosleep Sorry about your mcs As I already said you need to keep your own ship afloat by looking after yourself and your immediate family. DN is someone else's responsibility and not yours. Hope you are feeling more positive and a bit brighter.