How do you deal with tantrums - the 'throw themselves on the floor screaming' type

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DD 18months has recently started throwing little tantrums.

When told no or asked to stay away from something, she immediately throws herself on the floor screaming. Sometimes whatever is in her hands gets launched or more recently she squeezes whatever the thing is (for example: teddy) so hard and her face screws up - it's like she's baring her teeth like a dog!

This happens in our home, in shops, outside!

How do you deal with this?

No help from me as my 2yo is doing the same, with the addition of banging her head on the floor (carpet, grass, concrete....She is not fussy)

So I am bumping in the hope that wise parents come along. :)

My sister taught me this and you can generally get away with it until they're three and the incredible tantrums set in.

Gasp very loudly, point at the sky and shout 'look!'. Then when they look think of whatever it was you were pointing to. Distracts 'em a treat (and the odd passing adult will look too sometimes).

they're going to get worse?

Um... (whistles and scuffs feet)...

Ignore

You could use the distraction technique as mentioned above or you can use the "completely ignore it" technique. Just pretend it isn't happening and carry on with what you are doing or start doing something else instead. Remember a tantrum is an act and all actors need an audience. Both my boys had a couple of tantrums at 18 months and then never again as there was nothing to be gained from it.

Ignore. Make sure they are in safe place ie. not in the middle of an aisle and ignore. I used to love it when mine melted down in the magazine aisle of a shop as I could read and ignore and pretend they weren't mine, but I kept a book in my bag at the height of the worst ones.

Quite a lot of them with DD were caused by hunger, tiredness etc so if you notice the signs you can generally pre-empt with a banana or packet of raisins etc.

DS used to headbang and we either ignored (only so long they will bang their heads as it hurts, although DS had some smashing forehead bruises) or slid a cushion under his head and then ignored.

Stay calm and stay firm. Don't give in.I usually say to DS 'I don't understand when you shout', 'Use your words, please' etc.

Praise them when they use their words.

Be silly. DS demands a banana and I say that I am saving them all for the blue monkey thats visiting from the moon etc.

DD is almost 7 and into whining and defiance. I actually prefer the tantrums.

I think I'll have a go at both, see what works best.

To date I've being doing the 'serious face' and saying nothing - which is kind of ignoring isn't it? But they are becoming more regular now.

She's a wee madam at times

Loving the bluemonkey suggestion

Mine used to do this - he's five now and some of his friends STILL do it! (not SN) Because... when they do it their mother's give them lots of attention and drama, complain, appeal to everyone around to pity them for how their child is behaving thereby creating an audience, tell the child that the police will come etc. etc. and then... give the child the thing they tantrummed to get, with some kind of passive-aggressive comment about what a disappointment their child is to them. Drives me nuts. Ooh, my judgey pants are a bit tight today...

plantsitters distraction technique is the business for 18mo old. Tanya Byron's classic was 'Oh look a bright yellow stripey squirrel! Quick look!'. That works until they're about 2 and a half. Once they're old enough to understand consequences, my rule is 'No attention for attention-seeking behaviour' - when DS started screaming I looked away (so that he was still in corner of my eye so I could tell if he was about to hurt himself) and became very interested in looking at something else. He suddenly became the most boring thing in the world until he behaved nicely.

The trick is to then give loads and loads of positive attention for 'nice asking' and 'nice playing' etc. Another rule I had and enforced every time was 'If you tantrummed for it, you don't get it. Even if I was actually just about to give it to you, as soon as you tantrum, the answer becomes 'no' and stays 'no'.' I seem be a lot stricter than the other mums in my social group though, and it's horses for courses... Maybe my DS will turn out all repressed because of me being so strict - gulp.

But don't be embarrassed - if you see a mum looking at you she's probably thinking 'Oh, we've all been there...'. I certainly have! Even if I am a bit judgy of the 'The police will come and take you away' mothers...

DD planned her tantrums very carefully. If there wasn't a soft enough surface around, she'd fetch a pillow or coat or something and fling herself down on that.
We ignored her, usually left the room if we were at home. At which point she'd stop screaming, pick up her pillow, follow us, carefully set it down and then the performance would resume.

Think about why she is doing it.

She has recently begun to learn that she can have an element of control over her life. She no longer just waits for things to appear and disappear. She has a say in when that happens and what those things are now. That is a very powerful feeling and so it should be.

SO the world is now full of things she can control and things she can't and to her there is no reason for there to be a difference. If she wants to play with a particular toy it will appear yet if she wants a biscuit sometimes it will and sometimes it won't. There is no rhyme or reason to it in her eyes and that makes it incredibly frustrating. To make matters worse this changes depending on the person she is asking.

Now add to the mix that she has also become aware that the all controlling guide and protector in her life can be influenced. That's a bit of a scary situation for her and she needs to make sense of it.

So when you say no to her she gets confused and angry and tries out different strategies to get you to comply. That is perfectly reasonable and logical and what all toddlers do.

You need to help her to understand the rules she needs to live by and they need to be simple, fair and predictable. If you always try to give her the autonomy which is appropriate to her age at the same time as being firm and consistent she will learn more quickly and the tantrums will end sooner.

Help her to understand the reason behind each decision wherever possible and if her choice isn't available try to find a way to give her two others so she feels less frustrated.

Most importantly don't take it personally, be consistent and mean what you say. Every time you change your mind in response to her tantrum you are sentencing yourself and her to several more. If she knows that no means no there will be less point in tantruming.

Stay calm, remember that she is learning from this and don't give in.

One of my DSs had a complete tantrum in sainsburys once he was 4 because I wouldn't buy him something. So I had a complete tantrum too. He was mortified at how I behaved and stopped straight away. He never did it again (he's 12 now!)

Depends on what we're doing.

If I'm off to work then they are virtually dragged along and I have a face like thunder.

If it's at home or a quiet place outside and we're not in a rush then I ignore it.

Agree with Meglet, totally depends what you are doing. I am cool as a cucumber when I have all the time in the world and never give in. But totally undermine all this good work when I have to be at work Monday-Friday by 08:30am. I then try every trick in the book to stop the tantrum in the first place (if DH is not there, my chances of physically getting DD into the car in the middle of a tantrum are ZERO. We also have no off-street parking round ours so car can be up to 3 minutes walk away.) but if it happens, I do tend to go beserk as I know I will then be 20 minutes late for work. Nightmare.

I have even (dreadful mummy) been known to give DD a chocolate biscuit in the morning to pre-empt massive diva-esque nightmare-to-deal with tantrum just before departure for work. All the wrong signals, I know.

messalina Yes! Mon-Fri tantrums are dealt with in a way supernanny would notapprove of. All I care about is getting the dc's to school and nursery and me to work on time, at least I can have a cup of tea in peace. We go from NO cbeebies until you are dressed and ready, to 'OK HAVE PEPPA PIG THEN!!!" while I brandish toothbrushes and clothes in front of the TV.

On the occasions I have been dragging a tantrumming DD to nursery and having a bit of a rant at the same time I have only ever had sympathy from passers-by.

I find it really hard to ignore but it is the best tactic, ds is not having so many since I started ignoring the bad behaviour.

I'm starting to find the laying down tantrums quite amusing. In Waitrose today ds2 (2.1) wanted to play with lightbulbs, obviously I refused so he just laid down flat on the floor staring up at the ceiling, he can't be bothered to shout and a scream anymore, he just lays there like it is the most normal thing in the world. He just looked so silly.

Yesterday he didn't want to wear the shirt that I put on him and he was in a mood with me. He is scowling at me over breakfast with his arms folded then all of a sudden he chucks his brioche across the room, tips his juice all over the floor and starts "swimming" in the juice. The glee on his face when I had to put his shirt in the washing basket.

at empress and bonnie DD (17mo) had her first tantrum today when I was putting her in her carseat...I'm glad I've found this thread, good to know I'm not alone!

If its a tantrum like that type so if I ignore it she gets her way...what do you do?

I always ignored a tantrum at home - turned the music up if need be to try and drown out the raging small person.
In public, if distraction was hopeless, and there was no way I could pretend it wasn't mine joking I would pick my much loved offspring up, usually under one arm, like a squealing pig, as I'd have something even smaller in a baby carrier and remove them to somewhere less public, where they could carry on without the audience.
If I was on my way to work or under time pressure, I would just carry on through the tantrum - ghastly & did occasionally involve very undignified struggles to get a rigid, screaming child into a car seat.
There is rarely one solution & it is a phase. They don't keep doing it forever!

has anyone tried singing really cheerfully? like the wheels on the bus or something?

I did this last night and it worked, although only once

Some great responses on this thread though, thanks everyone.

Surprise can be a wonderful tool and it has helped me out of some sticky situations.

The problem is they start to get wise to it in the end.

SOmetimes distracting and jokes work and it is always best to check whether this is one of those times. But some of the raging is entirely valid way of expressing their feelings and needs to be accepted. I usually hold my 23 year old in my embrace and he calms quicker than when ignored. I rarely ever feel it is an embarrassing issue in public as he can be angry at things not going his way and express it. THere are moments when I'd rather be somewhere else when my 5 year old whines loudly but ignoring has never diminished it, or if, then the feelings pop up somewhere else. I'd rather that they shared their (even angry) feelings than that they bottled them up.