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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do you deal with tantrums - the 'throw themselves on the floor screaming' type

46 replies

FaceForRadio · 15/05/2012 17:03

DD 18months has recently started throwing little tantrums.

When told no or asked to stay away from something, she immediately throws herself on the floor screaming. Sometimes whatever is in her hands gets launched or more recently she squeezes whatever the thing is (for example: teddy) so hard and her face screws up - it's like she's baring her teeth like a dog!

This happens in our home, in shops, outside!

How do you deal with this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lucindapie · 16/05/2012 18:41

I think some really valid points were made on the other thread that's running at the moment. They got me thinking, would you like someone to sing to you if you were crying? Or distract you, or walk out the room, or belittle your feelings in some way? I haven't reached the tantrum stage yet with my DD but I know for sure I'll treat her as a human being who's crying rather than an animal.

perceptionreality · 16/05/2012 18:43

The only thing you can do is completely ignore it and remove anything they might hurt themselves on. Dd2 did this - she grew out of it eventually.

paranoid2android · 16/05/2012 19:06

ignoring is absolutely the worst thing you can do! If they don't get a chance to express their feelings through crying, because they have been distracted, ignored or fed (???) then you just set yourself up for having more tantrums Im afraid, and a long battle that will probably get reignited in the teenage years LOL

ellesabe · 16/05/2012 20:30

I wonder if lucinda will stand by her comment once her dc HAS reached the tantrum phase...

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 16/05/2012 21:54

Dr greens toddler taming book is fantastic. Can't recommend it enough.

And I thought the 3's were far worse than 2's!! But could be just me

MoodyNagoo · 16/05/2012 21:59

I just used to stand and wait. I tried never to go anywhere in a rush.

The less attention the better.

When DS could talk I'd wait until he'd finished then listen, but I never ever listen if I'm being shouted at.

stubbornstains · 16/05/2012 22:07

DS's are nearly always in fields (we spend a lot of time in fields) so I just sit about 10 feet away and wait for him to finish. The only problem is when there are other people around who will insist on flapping and fussing: "Ooh! Oooh! What's wrong? Does he want a cuddle? Maybe a biscuit?" -all the time shooting me accusing looks for being a bad uncaring mother and ignoring him .

cory · 16/05/2012 22:16

paranoid2android Wed 16-May-12 19:06:32
"ignoring is absolutely the worst thing you can do! If they don't get a chance to express their feelings through crying, because they have been distracted, ignored or fed"

I've said it on the other thread and I'll say it here too: not all children tantrum because they have a pov which they want you to listen to; some do it because of overload, so being quiet and withdrawing a little can actually help them; you can't judge every child or every parent by your own situation

lucindapie Wed 16-May-12 18:41:51
"I haven't reached the tantrum stage yet with my DD but I know for sure I'll treat her as a human being who's crying rather than an animal."

And presumably like a human being who is biting, kicking and punching...

Timandra · 16/05/2012 22:30

Once they are in meltdown it doesn't matter much what you do within certain bounds of course. They often can't process thought or language properly in that state anyway.

It's more important to make sure you respond an a positive and loving way when they have calmed down and use language which helps them to label and understand their emotions and your actions.

That way it becomes a learning process so they haven't gone through all the upset for nothing.

schroedingersdodo · 16/05/2012 22:46

but they NEED to learn to deal with frustration, and if you keep distracting them, they'll never learn.

Why not just stand by (or hold them) until they calm down?

exoticfruits · 16/05/2012 22:47

Paranoid2 is quite wrong. You can try and avoid triggers and you can try and distract but once they go into full blown tantrum all you can do is ignore. Once they have stopped you can cuddle and point out that you can't help if they don't let you know calmly what the matter is. Some DCs will just tantrum, especially if overtired. You can see that they are about to tantrum because they wanted a red cup and you gave them the blue so you give them the blue and they will still have a tantrum! They are learning to handle frustrations etc and have come to understand they are a separate person with a will of their own.
It is a normal stage, you are not setting yourself up for more because they realise it doesn't get them anywhere. It has no bearing at all on the teenage years.

cory · 16/05/2012 22:48

I think Timandra is spot on. Which is why I have never punished for a tantrum.

Interestingly, dd's meltdowns persisted long enough for her to be able to remember them and talk about them at a later stage. She once told me that when she was in meltdown she literally couldn't recognise me: she felt that her mum had disappeared and been replaced by a monster or a stranger. Which clearly precluded any idea of communication between us until she had got out of that stage.

cory · 16/05/2012 22:52

On the other thread, I mentioned my brother who would have "bad days" when he went from person to person trying to pick an argument; even the slightest reaction gave him the excuse to go into fullblown tantrum. You could tell for hours beforehand that it was going to happen. It wasn't about any issue that he could explain: just about inner tension.

And unlike another poster's ds who would throw himself to the floor ever so gently so as not to hurt himself, db was completely impervious to pain during meltdown; he once kicked his way through a wooden door with his stockinged feet;that must have been very painful afterwards but there was no sign that he felt it at the time.

exoticfruits · 17/05/2012 07:18

It is a relief of tension- at that age they don't know how to deal with it- they feel better afterwards. I can understand it easily. When I was suddenly widowed I found it difficult to deal with and what I wanted more than anything was to be back to the 2 year old stage, I wanted to lie down, drum my heels and scream'it's not fair!'. Sadly I never found a place remote enough to let rip and I generally had my DS with me so I had to control myself and just cry myself quietly to sleep each night. I would have felt so much better if I could have done the full blown tantrum, so I can understand them entirely. It is also why I think Paranoid2 quite wrong, I didn't want distracting, I didn't want reasoning. Cory's brother was similar I image and picking a fight as an excuse to let rip all his frustrations.
They learn to deal with them and they stop. My DS1 had them longer than normal because he was a perfectionist. I know an elderly lady whose parents always ga e her what she wanted with a tantrum, and then her husband did the same. It wasn't until she went into care that people did what her parents should have done-ignored them- and it was a hard lesson in your 80s and it had damaged her relationship with her daughter who had had a lifetime of having her mother get her own way through them.
Ignore- it is a stage.

tostaky · 17/05/2012 07:54

what timandra says - i give mine a biiiiig cuddle, lots of kisses and when all the rage has gone, we talk about it.

paranoid2android · 17/05/2012 08:07

I think perhaps I did not make myself quite clear enough as Cory and exotic fruits I agree with most of the points you Made. Re tantrums being to offload tension etc. That's really interesting to
Get your child's perspective on how she thought about you while she was having a tantrum and exotic fruits that's also interesting to hear about tantrums from your own perspective . Anyway I did not mean to offer love and kindness to distract child from tantrum in any way I just mean to somehow be there for the child not just after but during. I don't mean to have a conversation but just to offer short sentences of reassurance and close proximuty. I think this is important regardless of how the child reacts to you that you keep giving them
Exotic fruits you kept mentioning distraction in reference to my name but I never said to distract the child. Tanya Byron might recommend it but if you distract the child when they are young from their feelings while you can get away with it then it only teaches them to seek out distractions from feelings when they are adults. It's what we were all taught to repress our feelings by being ignored or distracted and I am not going to do that to my kids

paranoid2android · 17/05/2012 08:08

Apologies for lack of paragraphs!

Timandra · 17/05/2012 09:29

I don't think that giving a child some space to work through the tantrum with you available close by but not engaging is teaching them to repress their feelings. Quite the opposite in fact. It is allowing them to express the terrific rage which is overwhelming them while not teaching them that it is a way to make something happen.

The child needs to know he or she is safe and loved and that there will be cuddles and comfort when the storm has passed. Some people will feel the need to communicate this is with words and open arms during a tantrum whereas others are secure in the knowledge that their calm presence is enough for their own particular child.

We're all different and so are our children so we learn from experience by not repeating actions which add fuel to the fire and giving our child reassurance in the way which works best for them.

AND.... if there are occasionally days when we need to use distraction, bribery, giving in or even singing a song to survive, so be it. The child will live to tantrum another day.

PostBellumBugsy · 17/05/2012 09:52

Worth remembering - it is a phase & it does pass.

You get through it as best you can. Some you will handle with aplomb & others will be a stressful nightmare. Don't beat yourself up over the ones that make you sweat with frustration & give yourself a pat on the back everytime you handle one with loving calm!

exoticfruits · 17/05/2012 11:17

Someone else said distraction- which is a good thing, in it's place. I would agree with Timandra.
Ignore while they are having it- work through afterwards- it may just be to say ' I know how you feel, we all get like that but............'

startail · 17/05/2012 11:25

Walk out the room. (interconnecting rooms so you can be listening watching out of sight)

DD did it once on the quarry tiles in the kitchen. Next time she took herself of to the sofa.

Don't think she ever bothered again.

DD2 doesn't tantrum she winges and cries and generally gets in a fuss. Harder to ignore because she goes on being sulky and slows life down.

Don't have a answer for her generally just shout at her which isn't much help.

She's 11 now at just the same.

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