Sat sobbing! Have just bit my dd :(

[Heavyheartandsoreeyes]

I feel beyond terrible and don't know what to do.

Dd 20 months has been going through a very difficult stage, much more difficult that any toddler I have ever known (everyone else says this as well it's not just me)

Been up since 4 am this morning with her, she bit both siblings before school and her little friend at toddlers this morning. Brought her away as a punishment and as soon as we got in the door she took a bite out my arm, I hate myself for it but I bit her right back on the arm :(

I did not do it hard and it has not left a Mark but her little face crumpled and she started crying.

I feel terrible, I'm posting for advice on where to go from here. I'm at my wits end with her.

Have had so many people tell me in the past to bite her back and i always swore I would never do it and could not understand how anyone could bite their own baby but now I have done it as well :(

Dh will hit the roof when I tell him, if he had done that to her his bags would be packed for him.

She is such a beautiful baby with a amazing personality and so affectionate, it's just this wild streak that I can't control that is breaking me.

Ok calm down!!! My sister bit me on the forehead when I was a week old making my head bleed! She was 19 months. My mum bit her arm back and she never bit again. AND she has grown up well no mental health probs from her mum biting her and is now a teacher!
Do not worry and don't be too hard on yourself.
If you're struggling with her behaviour and you think its outside the norm then go see HV or GP x

Do you have to tell DH?

You have given yourself a shock and feel terrible about it so I don't think it is something you will be doing again.

This phase will pass and something just as bad or worse will come along next

This is the 3rd thread I've read this morning where mums are literally beating themselves up over "losing it" with their children.

STOP IT!!!

We are all human. Some people will get very cross with our children - it is better that they learn from someone they love and who loves them that their actions can have those kind of consequences.

Your child needs to learn not to bite. I know lots of people are dead against this kind of thing but it's actually how puppies learn not to bite. They nip each other and their mother when they are tiny and a really sharp nip back teaches them bite inhibition.

Children need discipline and it seems that everyone is afraid of it. I know I will get shot down for this post but I'm not condoning abuse - I just think we need to take back control of bringing up our children to be good people and always being afraid to discipline them won't do this.

Oh hun, it's okay. It's not ideal, but it's happened. You're not going to do it again and she probably won't either. Don't worry. Say you're sorry to her. Explain that it does hurt and that when she does it, it hurts too and move on with your day.

I don't think what you did is in any way excusable and your DH would be right to be really angry with you. it seems even worse than a smack to me - sometimes a snack can be an immediate, unthinking response to provocation but this seems quite calculated (other people told you to do it and then you chose to bend down, bare your teeth and bite her) As the parent, however hard your child pushes you, you have to hold it together. If you feel the urge to strike back physically, you have to walk away. you had enough self control to think about biting her; you should have put that self control into walking away.

Having said that, you sound mortified and in need of a I suggest you go and give your DD a big hug, apologise for biting her and make it clear that what you did was very wrong. I think you have to fess up to your DH too. And then try and talk through more constructive ways of disciplining your DD.

Thanks everyone. It's the fact that I bit her that has upset me the most. It's so much more painful and calculated that I smack on the bum.

I'm not afraid of discipline but she is only 20 months, she still seems like a baby to me.

X post lemniscate

lemniscate surely the child also needs to know that what she did was wrong too? I think billsmill is right to say explain that it does hurt and that it hurts when she does it too.

My mum did the same as Chundle's. And my sister never did it again. And she grew up to be a normal person.

I can understand you feel disappointed in yourself but I consider my Mum to be an amazing Mum and she did it. You're not a bad Mum

I can understand your upset and frustration - my oldest was a 'biter'. I don't think biting back is the right thing personally, as it might seem to her that you are reinforcing that it is OK, but saying that I totally get why you did it, you must be at your wits end. DC1 was about 2.5 IIRC. I had already had DC2 and DC3 was on the way.

I went to my GP and saw their behavioural specialist. She told me to keep a diary, or what happened, when, what led to it, what I did after, what he did after. It was really helpful in keeping my perspective and realising he didn't do it ALL the time (it seemed as though it was). Toddler groups and nursery were horribly stressful.

More importantly, she told me to spend 20 minutes on my own with him every day, doing whatever he wanted. Luckily () he was getting up at 6am which gave me the opportunity to sit and play with his train set before his baby brother got up (done through gritted teeth I can tell you!). But it was so worth it. The biting stopped almost immediately.

Good luck - it WILL stop.

Of course she needs to learn its wrong, but where does the 'eye for an eye' stop? Child kicks you so you kick back? Child slaps you so you slap back? Child punches you so you punch back? Is that really the best way to parent your child? Or is that actially just physical abuse?

This is a 20 month old, not a 4 year old. I have a 19 month old - I know how little self control they have and I know that they live in the moment. She won't remember being bitten when she next wants to bite. The only way to teach a small toddler not to do something is repetitive consistent parenting, not calculatingly biting them back once on the off chance it stops them

I'm amazed that nobody else other than me and the OP thinks what she did is wrong.

Best wishes OP. hope you've had that big hug with DD and are feeling better.

Hey, we all snap. We may be mothers but we are still human at the end of the day and many people seem to forget that. We are still just as prone to losing our tempers and having a baby can try the patience of a bloody saint at times.

What you need is a plan. At the moment you feel powerless and frustrated, so you need to regain control of the situation. Discuss her habits with your dh (agree that there is no need to tell him that you bit her, I'm sure if he made a mistake with your dd he wouldn't tell you about it) and come up with a plan of action.

Next time she bites, take her away from the situation, put your face very close to hers and tell her how naughty it is. Then make her sit in a corner away from the other children for a minute or so. Let her see you comfort the other child too and if appropriate, encourage her to say sorry.

Be consistent with your punishment. It's no good if you dh reacts in one way and you in another. But at this age punishments should be kept simple, without lengthy rants as she won't have a clue what you're going on about.

Now do apologise to her. Children have to learn that we may be parents but we too make mistakes. If they see us saying sorry and taking responsibility for our mistakes then they are more likely to do that too. You could even sit yourself in a 'naughty corner'.

Trust me, this won't be the first time you lose it with her. Just remember that should you get into the same situation again, you need to just calm down and reason the problem out until you reach a good solution that will put you back in control. It's only when we feel out of control that we react so strongly. Best of luck and have a nice cuppa now

lemniscate, we all know it's wrong but we have also all been there and know how easy it is just snap and make mistakes.

You might not have made any mistakes yet with your own child but it will come. No-one would condone the biting of any child and from the OP's post, she is punishing herself enough for this. If she was posting that this is what she did and she didn't feel any remorse then our replies would be very different. But she knows it was wrong so there's no need for us to rub that in. We can only sympathise with the awful feeling of having made a mistake.

I don't think it makes you a bad Mum. However, you musn't bite her again because it is the wrong way to deal with such a small child and could so easily cause a painful injury.

There is nothing wring with putting your child in a playpen/cot for tem mins while you have a cuppa and calm down.

I think at 20 months old biting her, however softly is not the best idea, however you know that already, that's why you are so upset.

I know you don't want to tell DH but I do think you should sit down with him and have a discussion about this issue(dd biting) and the best ways you can both deal with it.

I really don't agree with the eye for an eye thing, it's just reinforcing the behaviour isn't it, you are teaching her that's it ok to bite when you are angry.

I never had a biter, I had a hair puller, and she was older than yours do was able to do time out, and discipline as she understood a bit better and could verbalise when she was angry. I know that's not much help, but there will be people here with excellent advice, I just wanted to say dont think you are a terrible mother, beat yourself up etc, we all do things we regret, and the fact you are upset by what you did means it's not something you are happy with and in future you'll find a new way.

Rhubarb. Did you miss the bit where I gave her a hug? I empathise but so many people on here were suggesting it was no biggie that I felt I needed to say the opposite.

Please give me the courtesy of not patronising me with the 'you'll know what its like one day' crap. I have had many trying moments with my 4yo and 19mo including biting and hitting. I have never responded physically. On two occasions I have nearly smacked but stopped myself and walked away. I know that self control is possible in very trying circumstances. So don't assume that because I think biting a child is wrong that I mustn't have any experience of these situations.

She started biting 4 months ago and since then EVERYTIME she has bitten we have gone down to her level gave her a stern "NO" then put her in timeout for two mins on a little chair. If she totally kicks off we put her in the playpen so she can't hurt herself or others. We always make a huge fuss of whoever has been bitten and make her give a hug to them after timeout.

We have done this for months, I dread to think how much of her short life has been spent sitting on her little chair.

This morning at toddlers when she bit I put her on a chair for timeout while I made a fuss off the bitten child but she would not stay on the chair so I brought her home.

I dont see what else I can do?

Any suggestions are more than welcome!

I have a friend whose DS did similar. She started to watch closely to see what the triggers might be - for your DD they cpuld be not getting attention, someone has a toy she wants, tired and grumpy, with new children etc - and then when she saw that happening she would jump in and distract him, or jump in and try to encourage him to deal with his frustration in a different way. If he bit at play group they would leave straight away, no second chance. She found he was better in small groups with children he knew so did more of that than random playgroups. Not sure if that helps, but if you can work out the trigger for your DD you might be able to work on solving it. Best of luck - it sounds really tough

lemniscate, I apologise if you felt I was patronising you, that was not my intention. However no-one is saying that it's not a biggie, but we can all tell from her opening post that the OP is beside herself with remorse and knows full well that what she did was wrong. She even went so far as to say that if her dh did this she would consider throwing him out. So I didn't think it necessary to tell her how wrong it was.

No-one has said that biting is the right thing to do, most posts have said that it isn't. However what we are doing is to emphasise that losing your temper is a natural human emotion and whilst you might be able to restrain yourself physically, your weakness might be screaming at them, or saying things that you immediately regret, I know mine is.

Biting is no more harmful than screaming at a child. It might leave a noticeable mark but the emotional marks are often much worse.

This is the kind of thread where the OP needs practical help to try and prevent this situation from happening again, so most posters are trying to give that with advice and their own experiences. Telling her how wrong it is, to me, didn't seem that helpful. That's all.

Heavyheart - try a simple reward chart. Don't ask her not to bite, but instead focus on positive behaviour. So if she is kind to a playmate you will reward her with a smiley face. Get some smiley stickers to put on her as well as on her chart. If she gets 5 smilies she can have some time with you or your dh playing any game or doing any activity of her choosing.

If things improve, move it up to 10 smilies, then 15 until it no longer becomes an issue. That might work.

Two of my three were biters, number three was the worst and would bite everyone if he could. I did all that you are doing and it didn't help, it became a real problem as understandably other parents didn't want their dc's being bitten and they knew that my Ds would. One of the school run Mum's was a health visitor and I asked her about it and she gave me some advice that helped me to crack the problem. It's a right pain, but she said to literally follow him all the time when ever he was around other children and the moment he went to bite remove him. Just pick him up and move him out of the way, calmly say no biting and carry on. It took me a week and it was a hard week but he did eventually stop.

Oh and don't worry, we've all cracked at some point.

Well, I went through a biting phase as a toddler, bit my mother in the Post Office queue and she turned around and bit me back. Apparently I never bit anyone again. I have no recollection of any of this and do not appear to have been permanently psychologically scarred.

Rights or wrongs of it are not much help after the event. Just try and get back on track, don't over-compensate by treating her like a princess or anything. Just be normal. And, who knows, you may have cured the biting - do report back and let us know if this was the magic cure?

It was the intention behind the bite that was so shocking and makes it different from screaming or an instinctive smack. The latter is 'losing your temper' which every single human being does. Choosing to bend down, bare your teeth and bite your child is way more calculating - the OP used that word herself too in her x post with me.

I think everyone saying 'forget it' missed the difference between an instinctive lashing out and a calculated decision to hurt. The former is understandable and forgivable when parenting, the latter just isn't.

The OP gets that thankfully (and it's clear that she is a very good mum despite this) And I haven't just said 'you evil bitch' and run. I'm offering advice too, but just not playing down the incident to do that.

Friends? :)

You did offer very good advice lemniscate with the triggers idea. And yes, I can see where you are coming from although to open your mouth and form the words that come out of it to direct at your children could also be said to be premeditated and that's my biggest sin.

Friends