Sat sobbing! Have just bit my dd :(

[Heavyheartandsoreeyes]

I feel beyond terrible and don't know what to do.

Dd 20 months has been going through a very difficult stage, much more difficult that any toddler I have ever known (everyone else says this as well it's not just me)

Been up since 4 am this morning with her, she bit both siblings before school and her little friend at toddlers this morning. Brought her away as a punishment and as soon as we got in the door she took a bite out my arm, I hate myself for it but I bit her right back on the arm :(

I did not do it hard and it has not left a Mark but her little face crumpled and she started crying.

I feel terrible, I'm posting for advice on where to go from here. I'm at my wits end with her.

Have had so many people tell me in the past to bite her back and i always swore I would never do it and could not understand how anyone could bite their own baby but now I have done it as well :(

Dh will hit the roof when I tell him, if he had done that to her his bags would be packed for him.

She is such a beautiful baby with a amazing personality and so affectionate, it's just this wild streak that I can't control that is breaking me.

I regret many things I say to DS in the heat of the moment but I am slowly getting better at that bit of my parenting :) I may have cracked it by the time he leaves home!

The thing with biting is it bloody hurts and can cause a sudden reaction. Like hair pulling. It is easy to over react and do something in the heat of the moment.
I get bitten a far bit at work and it takes ALL my self control not to strike out or even scream.
Does anyone think it's ok?
I don't think so.
Also the op is mortified and the dc is unharmed and unscarred (physically and emotionally ) so shoot me down in flames but it was. Non event.

Well, there was a tiny lesson in reactive anger, and a little upset. It would have happened to her from another toddler eventually anyway. You can say sorry and explain that biting made you sad and you still love her - so you have taught her that falling out doesn't mean love is gone. Two little lessons delivered in a way that made you feel upset doesn't mean the lesson was a bad one to learn.

Toddlers are just exploring - I read a post somewhere that says there is no right and wrong in toddlers, just massive curiosity about what happens when you do something (I think on clevertoddler.com??) She has gone 'ooh if I bite hard, something happens that makes me feel very sad'.. and probably its on to what happens if I draw on the wall when I'm not supposed to..

:)

Lemniscate your missing the point entirely! OP didnt bite her child hard and didn't leave a mark. Therefore she didn't do it to hurt her child so it was not calculating.She did it as an instinct reaction to shock her child into not biting anymore.

Chundle - op herself said it was calculated in cross post with me so i don't think I'm the one who has misunderstood.

Best wishes OP.

Sorry haven't read all posts.
My friend's ds was a biter til he was 2.5.
It seemed like his way of communicating until he was able to express himself through speech.

Maybe stop taking her to playgroups etc just now? I know it might be more isolating but if she is too small to control herself and you can't get to her in time it may be best.

Also, do you think tiredness played a part today, for both of you? you said she'd been up since 4.30am.

I wouldn't necessarily tell dh but would talk the issue over generally with him.

Don't beat yourself up. Hopefully the next time you get close to losing it you will remember what you did and how you felt about doing it so you won't repeat it.

I'm not saying biting back it the right thing to do but DS was a biter and he did stop pretty quickly after getting bitten at nursery. I don't think he realised how much it hurt til then.

Lemniscate : I don't think losing it and biting your child is less excusable or more 'premeditated to cause pain' than hitting your child- we all know that hitting is going to hurt when we do it, so there is an element of premeditation in that. I don't think either is the right thing to do, but of you lose it with your child and cause them pain it's immaterial how you have done it. You are wrong to make the op feel like a bit of a pariah for her actions just because her weapon of choice was her teeth and not her hand. My father when I was small wheeled round an whacked me so hard it left a handprint shaped bruise on the back of my leg- it was unpremeditated and unexpected and the shock of it coming from nowhere made the whole incident that much more confusing and upsetting. I will always remember him doing that, whilst my mum very occasionally said 'if you don't stop that you'll get a smack' and if I didn't stop administered a sharp slap and that was that. I am completely untraumatised by that.

It seems you are giving yourself the status to say 'this is more wrong than that', essentially kicking the op when she's down and then offering what seems to be a rather disingenuous hug. I think that is why it feels uncomfortable to read your posts to the op.

I can only imagine how awful you feel heavyheartandsoreeyes there is no punishment worse than profound guilt. I hope you're okay. My DS is very challenging too, and whilst I haven't hit him I have wanted to, and that feels bad enough. I'm sure your little one knows how much you love her and that you were immediately regretful- our kids can read us. Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to get through it too and spend a great deal of time beating myself up for stuff i have done wrong. If you need someone in a similar boat to talk to, I am here. :)

My DS2 was a serial biter, every time he went to bite I stuck his own hand in his mouth, it took all of about twice before he stopped.

I didn't mean that smacking was less bad, just that it can on occasion be a bit less premeditated as it sometimes happens as an instinctive response than what the OP did where she had more time to think as she acted (she herself said calculated). I had a similar experience with my mum as you when I was about 7 - it's not the smack (I was smacked on other occasions), it was the lack of apology afterwards that upset me most given the particular situation.

I don't think I was being disingenuous with my hug - I didn't want the OP to walk away thinking it wasnt a huge deal as some of the posts seemed to be implying, as biting your child just isn't! I then offered advice based on a friends experience and also suggested she sit down and apologise to her daughter - partly based on my own experience where I would have felt fine if my mum had apologised for her inappropriate action but never did. I think that was constructive, not just shouting at her.

I don't think it is good to say 'never mind' if you actually see a problem with what someone has done so I couldn't respond without saying that first. I won't apologise for feeling that this is something that should never be done by a parent to a small child who is still a baby in many many ways. But I am sorry if it was inappropriate for me to say that on this thread, and am now going to bow out because this thread is becoming about what I said rather than what the OP needs.

Oh dear OP. Hope you're okay. As all others have said, you know it's not right to bite your child, but the fact that you feel so bad is a good sign, and you probably won't do it again.
I once smacked my son, he was in the middle of one of those screaming heaving breathless tantrums because of nothing, and we had to leave where we were because of it. I smacked him hard, and although he didn't actually notice because he was so engrossed in his tantrum, I still feel bad 4 years later. Not because I hurt him- I didn't- But because I know I wasn't in control then.
If it happens now I tend to separate myself from the situation- Leave the room, put DC in car seat and stand outside the car for a minute. I do have a temper and I have to recognize that and work out ways where I don't shout/ lash out at my DC.

Titsalina - clever! I did similar to DS as well, after he bit my arm - I gave him his own arm and said "Bite that, see how you like it" - he did, it hurt, he didn't do it again.

My mum was another "bite back" mother - my sibs were biters and one bite from her, they never did it again. Of course she didn't leave a mark but it seems to be the realisation of pain caused that prevents recurrence.

Please do not worry, My kid went through a biting stage, as do most children. Don't torture yourself over it, its really not that big a deal. Tomorrow is a new day