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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Does a 1 year old NEED to socialise?

52 replies

Vassia · 07/05/2012 15:29

I work full time and my DH looks after our (almost) 1 year old DS as he works shifts. When he is working dayshift, our DS goes to a childminder who has a 6 month old and a 2 year old. But this only amounts to about 7 days a month. Now, I might be completely insane, but my biggest worry is that he has no "friends" or finds it hard to socialise with other kids.

I took him to tumble tots at the weekend to help him interact with others, but he was the youngest there, all the other kids are running around. He seemed to enjoy their company but obviously with him being so much younger, they weren't really interested and he was getting bumped about a bit. (That doesn't bother me, he's rather sturdy)

My issue is this - does he really notice? Is he old enough to be really aware of other kids? I don't really know what my point is, I'm just generally concerned that I'm not doing enough to help him interact with other babies. Is it really important at this age? Am I doing it all wrong?! Is this the guilt of a working parent talking?!

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difficultpickle · 07/05/2012 15:33

Of course he's old enough to notice other children. There isn't a switch that is activated at a certain age to make them notice them! I would do what you can to enable him to meet other children. Can't your dh take him to activities or places where he'll meet other children?

LynetteScavo · 07/05/2012 15:33

Babies and toddlers don't really play with each other, they parallel play.

But yes, he needs to interact with other humans, in various settings. It sounds like he's doing this, though.

Presumably your DH talks to him, takes him to the park, library, shops.

Original poster

Vassia · 07/05/2012 15:43

Yes DH takes him out and about, they play together a lot. He has a lot of interaction with adults, not so much with other children which worries me. I think in all honesty it's me feeling guilty that I'm not able to take him to mother and toddler type groups.

Thanks Lynette that's more what I was meaning, I'd heard about parallel play in that they don't play together as such, more side by side.

I think I was more meaning is he aware enough to differentiate between kids and adults, as long as someone is talking to him and playing with him. My feeling is that he has too much adult interaction. I just worry about him. I might see if my MIL will take him back to mother & toddlers when she's back from holiday.

OP posts:

Takver · 07/05/2012 16:16

7 days a month = approx twice a week - which sounds fine to me and I would have thought not unusual for oldest children whose parents don't have lots of friends with kids.

difficultpickle · 07/05/2012 16:46

Why can't your dh take him to mother and toddler groups?

littleweed10 · 07/05/2012 19:39

i know childrens centres are a bit contentious at the mment, but pretty sure most of them have a target for attracting dads looking after their under 5s = possible clubs/ classes geared towards dads if your DS is a bit shy to attend the mother and toddler groups.

issimma · 07/05/2012 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Vassia · 08/05/2012 08:31

Takver thanks, you made me feel a bit better putting it into perspective.

bisjo my DH simply won't take him to mother and toddler groups. (I know, I know) I've tried to convince him but he's not having it. He doesn't share the same concern about his social development.

Although, in fairness he did take him out to the transport museum and the art galleries yesterday. So I suppose he is getting out and about with other people. I think I was having a guilt day yesterday, thanks for your input ladies.

OP posts:

Octaviapink · 08/05/2012 08:54

Sounds like there's plenty of social contact for a 1 year old.

tantrumsandballoons · 08/05/2012 09:02

I don't think you should expect a one year old to have "friends"
The most you can hope for is parallel play and even then, at 1, don't expect too much.
As long as he is in contact with other children some of the time and interacting with adults then I don't think you have to worry.

OliveandJim · 08/05/2012 11:35

My DS (13 months) spends 4 days a week with a childminder who looks after 4 other kids (one baby his age and 3 between the ages of 2 to 4 years). I think he actually has a crush on one of the 2 years old (a little girl called Lily May) as he always tries to hug and kiss her. They did a rendition of the final scene of the graduate the other day, each on a side of a glass door, banging both fists against the glass panel, in order to be together. It took him 4 months to really settle there but he does absolutely adore the other children. I think as long as your DC spends enough time with the same children on a regular basis he will learn to develop relationships with them. It's not only playing along or with other children, it's actually developping relationships with others that he needs to learn.

mumeeee · 08/05/2012 15:51

I year olds don't make friends. It sounds like you DS is having plenty of socialising for his age. Children don't start making friends properly until they are 3.

Lottapianos · 08/05/2012 15:57

Vassia, I would start by not calling them 'mother and toddler groups'! I work in Children's Centres and they try extremely hard to be inclusive and welcoming to dads and grandads as well as mums. The mums who go there are just parents, that's all, with the same fears and worries and strengths and needs as you or your DH. Nothing to be scared of. Your DH will get loads of support to develop his own skills when it comes to interacting with DS - not because he's a man, but because most parents do need a bit of support around how to interact with babies to help them develop their early communication skills. Could you go along together for the first time so at least he has met some of the staff before he goes by himself?

DontmindifIdo · 08/05/2012 15:58

well, can you perhaps get your DH to do a class rather than a mum and toddler groups? groups can be a little intimidating if you don't know anyone - and you stand out like being the only dad. It might be worth looking at something like musical bumps or gymboree - or if your local sure start centre has a 'messy play' group as a 'structured' event your DH can do, and most will give you a free first class.

littleweed10 · 08/05/2012 19:15

or the dad and child group. they have them locally here...

difficultpickle · 08/05/2012 20:40

Why don't you get him to take him to the library activities. Less mums and toddlers like. Or a music activity. Your ds is a bit young but tumble tots is good too. You get quite a few dads at all of those. Ime the only place that seemed to be exclusively female was the group where you get babies weighed each week.

Tgger · 08/05/2012 23:25

Nah, don't worry about it. They get a bit more into playing with others at 18 months, but it is very gradual from then until 3, so ease into doing more from 18 months and make sure by 2/3 you do something regularly.

gallicgirl · 08/05/2012 23:31

I was going to suggest the library too. They quite often do toddler reading groups. Does your local surestart centre have a dads group? If not maybe suggest one.

NapaCab · 08/05/2012 23:34

I've been wondering about this too - my DS is 7 months and I'm looking after him myself full-time and he is very much a PFB so no siblings. He's a bit young for it yet but I do take him to 'play dates' with other mothers and to the park to meet other mothers as well at least twice a week. It varies though.

Last play date we went to, most of the children there were around the 1 year mark and none of them were interested in each other at all! Just played independently but in the same room, if you know what I mean. Made me realize that my DS has a long way to go before he'll really be interested in other children his own age. He does love adult company though and being picked up and chatted to by the other mothers. My friend's DD is really cute though - she's just 1 year old but she's so sociable! Always chatting (well, babbling) and trying to get the attention of the other babies and holding their hands and so on - it's really cute but she's unusual I would say.

Original poster

Vassia · 09/05/2012 08:55

Lol @ lotta I don't know what else to call it, that's what they call it! It's the same group my DH went to when he was young (a looong time ago) in the local church hall.

We don't have surestart in Scotland, and if we do, it's nowhere near us (I can't find anything on the internet). But I shall look into the library activities. Everything I can find to do with DS is during the week when I'm at work, it's pretty rubbish really for working parents. I can make suggestions to my DH, but I can't force him to go to groups/classes if he really doesn't want to.

I retract the "friends" statement, but I definitely think he has an attachment to his childminder's little girl. He gets upset when I go to take him home! He's a sociable wee thing and I just want to do as much as I can to build his confidence and encourage his interactions. Lots of good advice on here, I shall look in to a few things.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 09/05/2012 08:56

Going to a park/playground where there are other children in the sandpit/on the slide etc is a fine way to meet other children at 1 or 2.

Original poster

Vassia · 09/05/2012 09:02

We have tumble tots on Saturday, and I plan on going to the park on Sunday. Depending on the weather!

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 09/05/2012 09:05

He's only a baby, he isn't able to have friends in any meaningful way.

It sounds like your DH and he get out and about plenty. There is no need to bring him to toddler groups at this age if your DH doesn't enjoy it.

Parent and toddler groups are as much about the parents getting time to socialise as the children, so there is no point in your DH going if he finds them boring.

I like the ones near me but I wouldn't bother bringing a child of that age - neither of us would get anything out of it because they just heed watching all the time.

Let him and his Dad enjoy their time together. He'll learn to socialise with other children when he's older.

Nikkim30 · 09/05/2012 19:57

When I was a baby I don't think there were many, if any, parent and toddler groups about, not like there are now. In fact my mum said she felt very lonely as didn't know any other parents. I expect this was the same for many of us and we are all fine (I guess!).
It sounds like he gets enough opportunities to socialise.

OliveandJim · 10/05/2012 12:09

I beg to differ (sorry) but my DS who's 13 months old has little friends at the childminder's. They are all older than him but he does consider them as friends, gets overly excited when he sees them, enjoys watching them do collage or gets interested in their games. He has developped a relationship with them as if they were his siblings (older brothers and sisters) and he gets an enormous amount from being with them (I think he learned to walk thanks to them and gets affection from them as they look out for each other, will run after him with his toys when he's displayed them or is leaving without his monkey e.g.). I agree that he couldn't care less for babies his own age but adores toddlers a bit older than him and even engages with games when we're in the supermarket with total strnagers, so actively seeks out the attention of odler toddlers. He's very sure of himself as a result and when we're at the One O'cluck club, on the lucky days when I get to look after him, he goes toward other children to play with confidence and ease. It's all thanks to that wonderful group of toddlers he spends 4 days a week with....

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