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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

no invite for 'best friend's' party :(

37 replies

3duracellbunnies · 25/04/2012 20:02

Dd2 (yr 2) hasn't been given an invite for the girl she sees as her best friend. She hasn't realised yet, a few weeks ago she said that child x was inviting her to her party, and was all excited, it also won't escape her notice that she has had her birthday. Today they came running out of class together and played for a bit. They go to an out of school activiity, and we often share lifts etc. I asked dd1 who she played with today, and she said child x. I asked her if she still played with her as much dd1 said 'oh yes, everyday, sometimes we just play together, sometimes we involve others in our game.

They have been good friends for 2yrs now, but there was another party I was aware of that dd1 wasn't invited to, but I thought maybe it was more of a family party. I get on fine with the mother, not best friends, in that we don't socialise with her outside of school, but we always chat when we meet up. I just don't know what to do or say to dd, do I warn her that maybe this party won't happen. I just feel :( .

Dd1 is generally a fairly easy going child, whenever she has been at child x or other houses parents have said how polite she is etc. I realise, before anyone points it out that child x is entiltled to invite who she wants, and maybe she doesn't see dd1 as such a good friend as dd1 regards her, but how do I let her down gently? It's a tough week for us already, but I don't know if better to say something now, than dd finds out at school. She can get quite upset and is quite sensitve underneath a happy exterior.

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LesAnimaux · 25/04/2012 20:05

Something very similar happened to DD (same age). I was much more upset than she was .

I wouldn't' say anything to your DD. Wait for her to bring it up, then deal with it.

thegreylady · 25/04/2012 20:15

Are you aware of others who have been invited?Is it possible that the parents have decided not to give a party this year?
If there is a party I think I would arrange to do something special with dd on that day so that if dd says anything you can say,'Oh that was the day we went to xxxx so you couldnt go to the party this time.'

janek · 25/04/2012 20:16

could it be that the mother doesn't know they're friends and child x is a bit clueless?

it's my dd's birthday soon, she wrote a list of completely random children to come to her party. they were so random that we tried to write another list involving us telling her the names of children from a class list and her saying yes or no. she said yes to all of them, so far too many children. so i wrote a list on my own, using my own less than extensive knowledge and she agreed to it (no coercion, i promise!).

there could easily be several children that she plays with all the time at school, but if i don't know about them then they wouldn't have made the list. we were handing out the invitations subtly in the playground, then it was time to go in, so i gave her the rest to give out inside. on her way into school i saw her stop in front of a girl in her class and search through all the invitations for one for her. there wasn't one. she had written the invitations herself half an hour before. did she want that girl there? she had made none of the three lists, but final list was arbitrary to a certain extent.

my point after such a long post is that party invitations can be really arbitrary and while it hurts if your child is left out, there is usually nothing to it.

Original poster

3duracellbunnies · 25/04/2012 20:27

Party invites have definitely gone out, as I accidently saw one. The mother must know that she is one of her friends, they do an activity together one night a week, dd1 had a very small party this year, but this girl was top of the list, mother knew dd1 had only invited a few very 'close' friends because I told her. They are often running around after school together. I don't profess to understand the ins and outs of yr 2 friendships, but it is crystal clear in dd1's mind that child x is her best friend, and child x has told dd1 the same, also they sometimes make little presents etc for each other.

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 25/04/2012 20:30

Are you certain the invitation hasn't found it's way to your DD, been misplaced etc?

Original poster

3duracellbunnies · 25/04/2012 20:33

LesAnimaux, did your dd tell you or did it just not come up. I think dd will be upset, she doesn't go to loads of parties, but usually it is someone she hasn't invited, or I can say that child p is really more friendly with child m or n. Of all the children who could have excluded her, this is the one it will actually matter to her.

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Original poster

3duracellbunnies · 25/04/2012 20:37

No I don't know that it hasn't been lost, but no mention was made of the previous party when no invite was sent. How would I establish it hadn't been lost without embarassing me, dd or child x's mother?

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Maro11 · 25/04/2012 20:37

it's horrible isn't it, I feel sad for you and your DD, it has happened to us also and I am still questioning why, my daughter's party is in July and I am going to invite this child as my daughter considers them friends and they are.

1950sHousewife · 25/04/2012 20:43

THis happened to DD once. She didn't even realised.
I am a manipulative cow but I immediately invited the birthday-girl-to-be for a kick ass after school playdate that Friday.

The invitation to the party was in DDs bookbag the following monday.

I do see that that makes me a micro-manager of my dds social life and that I won't be able to do that all her life, but for now, seeing a 7 YO not looking gutted was good enough for me.

musttidyupmusttidyup · 25/04/2012 20:47

It might just be an idea to ask the mother outright re lost invite. 'I'm really embarrassed to ask this but did x invite y to her party? I just wondered if she might have lost it?' and if she is embarrassed then bloody right too - she should have sorted it out.
Poor you and DD I would be upset in your shoes. The idea about planning something that day is excellent.

musttidyupmusttidyup · 25/04/2012 20:48

I love that 1950shousewife

Shakey1500 · 25/04/2012 20:50

I'd also be tempted to ask, musttidy's suggestion of what to say is perfect.

thefirstmrsrochester · 25/04/2012 20:50

dd didnt receive an invite to a close friends party in p1. She wasnt bothered but she did say she was one of a tiny handful from the class not invited. I was a bit as the friends mum and I were social, as were our dd's.
Day before the party another parent offered to take dd. I said she hadn't been invited. Cue much embarrassment. Later I get call from party girls mum all mortified. It transpired that another child in class was jealous of my dd friendship with party girl and had party girl hide the invite intended for dd.
If your dd isn't invited well, that's life. But are you sure she hasnt been invited?
Don't know how you could find out though without sounding pushy.

RandomMess · 25/04/2012 20:51

Could it be that your dd actually monopolises x and her mum is trying to encourage a broader range of friends rather than an exclusive best friend?

1950sHousewife · 25/04/2012 20:52

Musttidy - it was gutting more for me! The little girl was one that DD considered a BF (there were 3 of them) so when I heard from another mum that the girl was having a sleepover, was so sad for her. As it was, the mum is really nice, although not a friend. And now that her dd has been over to us a couple of times, I've noticed the other mum has invited my dd over more.

Its probably a passive aggressive thing to do or manipulative, but, all's fair in love and children's birthday parties.

Sittinginthesun · 25/04/2012 20:55

If you don't want to ask outright, why don't you ask the Mum if her dd is having a party, as you are sorting out plans for that weekend and need to check times?

Gumby · 25/04/2012 20:56

I'm betting the invite is in her tray at school
Has happened to my ds loads of times
'I'm invited to xxx's party mum'
Me : 'not if you don't bring the invite home you're not'
Funnily enough he always remembers the next day

EightiesChick · 25/04/2012 20:59

Yes, do what MustTidy said. Plus the planning some other brilliant thing for the day if it all goes west.

1950shousewife I like your style!

Original poster

3duracellbunnies · 25/04/2012 21:08

I don't think dd1 does monopolise her, it isn't her way, dd2 yes I could see doing that, but not dd1. She says that often they play with other children too, and dd1 has been diversifying her friendships a bit, which is why I enquired if child x was still on the scene. Dd1 has said that there is another girl in the class who is jealous that dd1 and child x are friends, so presents (well scribles of fairies etc) have to be passed carefully. Maybe that is the problem.

I could ask mother as infact we are supposed to be going somewhere that weekend, but plans aren't finalised and we could be a little flexible (we can go a bit later), and the following weekend we have a commitment too. So it would be truthful, but I feel bad putting another mother in that position, what if child x is just pretending to like dd1, or prefers playing with 5 other people more. I see the mother loads and at least once a week we chat about pickups, dropoffs for their activity. It could be tricky.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 25/04/2012 21:15

I think as long as you're bright and breezy and relaxed when you talk about it there will be no room for offence. Could you invite x over for a mini pary tea - my dds love playing at birthday teas, butterfly cakes and candles is all you need!

Sittinginthesun · 25/04/2012 21:22

More tricky if you don't say anything, and feel bad. Friends chop and change, and I think that we have to rise above it to some extent. My ds1 no longer plays with his best friend from Reception (long story, involving another jealous child), but her mum and I get on really well. Parties are potentially a political nightmare, so you do have to be extra relaxed about them. I would ask - just say you are checking dates.

musttidyupmusttidyup · 25/04/2012 21:25

But if that was the case OP I still feel the mother has a responsibility to show her DD what is the right thing to do. You cannot expect a 7 year old to do the right thing and her mother should address this. In short either
A) she was invited and so you have no need to be embarrassed or
B) she wasn't invited in which case shame on the mother for allowing this to happen if she knows, which she does, that your DD would be devastated by this.
Either way youve nothing to be embarrassed about. As 1950 said, all's fair.....

Eglu · 25/04/2012 21:32

I think it would be okay to ask as your DD has already said that x invited her.

I would say as above, embarassed to ask but DD said that x said she was invited, but doesn't have an invite.

GracieW · 25/04/2012 21:43

I think you should ask - just in case your DD's invite has gone astray and the mum is waiting on you for an answer.

My DD's friend (age 4) wrote a letter to DD inviting her to her party but with no details. I asked the girl and she was definite. I checked with her mum (said "x has invited DD but there are no details") and she said it's not her birthday til December!

PS also had another friend of DD's who told me her mum was having a baby but it was a secret. When her mum arrived to pick her up I congratulated her quietly and guess what? She wasn't on both sides!

Original poster

3duracellbunnies · 25/04/2012 21:51

Ok, will check with dd that child x did say about party first, then will txt (wimp) saying 'dd1 said child x wanted her to come to her party a few weeks ago, just wanting to check the date as we have some things coming up over next few weekends, but I know dd would be sad not to go to child x party.' Is that too emotionally laden? What if it has strict numbers, didn't manage to see the venue.

I know some girls do just use party invites as a form of currency so usually warn dd not to treat to seriously, but this is the child she views as bf. I also warn dd never to mention her party to anyone until party list is finalised and agreed by me (haven't had any grumpy parents yet!), maybe child x mother will need to have that chat too.

Thanks for all the advice!

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