Need help with screaming, clingy baby!!

[mammarubyann]

My 4 month old has regular screaming fits if she isn't getting 100% attention from me and already has me wrapped round her little finger. I have just endured 40 minutes of intense crying because she was sat in her seat while I made dinner - I soldiered on regardless feeling like the worse mother in the world while she cried her heart out. The health visitor's words kept popping into my head to haunt me "You really shouldn't leave a baby of this tender age to cry for too long....." But what do you do if you want a life!! At what age do you mums reckon it's Ok to leave a little one crying for a bit? I'm now convinced I've scarred her for life for ignoring her - she really was ballistic!

babies cry! as long as she can see you ( the baby that is!) then there is no reason why you shouldn't get on with the cooking etc. far better to get her used to it now than have a complaining 8 month old.
Honestly it is HELL when they cry and cry but she will basically get used to it.

Babies do generally cry for a reason. I have never left my 9mo to cry and she is a very happy little baby. You could try a sling to carry her around with you. Maybe she was uncomfy in her seat?

If you want a life you don't have kids.

My DS was like this. He is now 8 months and much better. Basically, once he leared to grab things and occupy himself my hitting/manipulating a toy he was okay. Still has a fit if everybody leaves the room, but he's much better. DD (almost 3 yrs) was never like thhis at all. I think babies are just born with different personalities and some like to cuddle all the time, and other are perfectly content/independant. Try encouraging her to look at things. Have you got the tray on her high chair? You could maybe get one of those suction cup toys to stick on the tray?

And another thing, your HV sounds a bit rude. Making you feel gulty? Jeez. My motherhood motto is "Safety first". They might not always be happy but so long as they are safe that's the important thing. Within reason of course. I don't want them to be unhappy all the time. But you are so right that sometimes there are things you HAVE to do.

tough one, as long as you do give her attention most of the time, (which of course you do!)

I'd get on with doing what i needed to do, just talk to her as you go, stop and stroke her, sing, laugh or dance about.

She'll soon learn that it wont be long to wait til she has full attention again and then she may learn to not be so desperate for it!

I rarely let my babe cry for long, I done what i recommended and it distracted her long enough to get things done, shes now 10 months and is pretty easy going, he moans sometimes but is generally a good contented babe.

Good Luck! Your doing your best and are a fantastic mum!

i managed to steal a few minutes with a baby einstien dvd too, she adores the neighbourhood animals one.

Dont feel too guilty as its not bloomin cbeebies or terrestial tv, its educational and age appropriate!

It WILL happen, just not yet!

Tried a door bouncer? Bumbo? Baby seat with tray with a toy to bat on it?

(WHen I'm cooking she sits on the rkitchen worksurface in her car seat (don't tell HV) or upright in her pram so she can see me - today she was giving a peeled carrot to suck on while I cooked)

Also I start dinner whenever she is quiet - even if it's at lunchtime - otherwise it's too stressful if she needs cuddling at dinner-preparation time

Sorry - but mine just have to cry sometimes.

Yes, babies cry for a reason, the reason usually being they want to be in my arms - just not possible every waking moment..................

Kittyfish: "If you want a life you don't have kids."

SOOOOOO true!

mammarubyann, I don't believe that by having kids you aren't allowed a life. I have four and they get plenty of time with me, but I do have cleaning to do, study to do, cooking etc. Oh and 5 mins on mn here and there!

Babies do cry, and it doesn't usually mean they are distraught, and at some point they have to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them. I've left mine to cry occassionally from quite small. When you have twins you have no choice but to anyway. They went through the clingy phase at around that age, where they seemed to be screaming a lot more, I jsut got on with things as usual. After a month it passed and they are def not scarred for life. I picked them up if they were really upset, otherwise left them to it.

Don't give up on having a life yet. I think ti would drive me up the wall if my life totally revolved around the kids. I love them to bits, but I need time to be me too.

You haven't scarred her for life. Your HV sounds quite rude I think. Is she your 1st baby? Because was thinking, 2nd, 3rd, etc and twins have to be left to cry because you have other children to attend to. As long as you have met all her physical needs - ie, fed, slept, comfy, if you have stuff to do sometimes she will just need to get on with it - as stressful as that might be for you. I am sure you give her attention at some point in the day - it is impossible to give 100 percent attention 100 percent of the time. You are doing a great job. You are not a bad mother.

Ds was like this for the longest time (from about 4 - 7 months old, then again at 9-10 months old). Even if he saw me he cried. He wanted to be held, however if I was just sitting down this was often not good enough, I had to be doing something.

I took him out as much as I could for walks (pushchair and car were not as good as walking and carrying him).

I also carried him in a sling whenever I could to do things around the house. Some people say you can do this all the time but there were certain thngs I couldn't do with him in a sling so sometimes he was left to cry a bit. It was hell though. All my friends seem to have a baby that was happy to sit and watch them - not mine though lol

At 4 months you could still carry your dd lying down possibly which I found easier when working in the kitchen. Once they sit up they grab stuff so chopping veg etc gets really difficult.

With ds in a sling at home I could vacuum, load/unload dishwasher or wash up, go to the loo, dust, load/unload clothes machine/dryer, hang out washing and sometimes do some preparation for cooking, though once hot water etc was involved he had to go soemewhere safe. You can stir stuff etc, though.

You can't iron (though as kids get to the crawling stage it is safer to do that at nap time and after bed in my opinion)

I would also use the times he was quiet/asleep to do the cooking. I started cooking stuff in advance (sometimes I cooked dinner at 9am when he had a morning nap) and leaving it to be warmed up later. Also if cooking anything - put at least 2 portions in the freezer for those days when she is being extra clingy or you are just tired.

This clingyness goes in phases and ds is recently wanting to be picked up a lot again (14 months). I believe in a middle roead - I do think 40 minutes of leaving her crying is a bit long. 10 minutes or so is sometimes difficult to avoid but if you carry her more you may find life less stressful.

Mind you ds often cried a lot even when being held , particularly if I was tired and sitting down - in that case I just held him and he pretty much cried himself out - on those occasions when I just too knackered to take him out or to do anything.

the only trouble with trying to do all the hw while they are sleeping is when do you then get a break?? I refuse to do anything while the dts sleep as it is my only oppportunity to have a sit down and have a bite of lunch in peace. I get them in bed by 6 and cook then. The kids all get their portion warmed up the next day. I clean mostly between 4-6, or 9-10. 4-6 is when the older two are around to play with them, or first thing in the morning is when they are usually happier.

mammatubyann, do you have other children to tend to? If not, your dd is only 4 months old and housework can never compare to meeting the needs of a young baby. Temperamentally, your dd sounds a lot like mine - she just made higher demands on her parents than other babies. You can either accept her temperament and meet her needs (believe me, her persistence will stand her in good stead when she is older) or the alternative is to force her to accept limitations - something I could not have done with dd without completely quashing her spirit.

I do symphthise - housework needs to be done. It just means you have to work in short bursts, do one-handed tasks with dd in a sling or two-handed tasks when dd is asleep. Or spurts of 5 mins to reduce the upset. I used to organise my housework in my head whilst working around dd's needs. Needless to say, only the absolute essentials got done during those early baby days. For cooking, dh and I took turns to cooks loads at the weekend to de-frost during the week. Cleaning is not particularly important. This time of your life with dd is short. You can soon look forward to more time without dd in your arms when she starts hitting her milestones, like sitting up, crawling, walking, talking. It does get easier and your dd will "give" more as she grows older.

In the meantime, your relationship with her is the absolute most important thing to nurture. Once your dd hits the discipline toddler stage, you will not regret that you invested in cultivating her trust in you that you will meet her needs. For a strong-willed child, that is your only hope. JMO

Good post blueshoes

Blueshoes, what a brilliant post, and what a lovely mum you are to study the individual needs of your child to this extent.

Having said that I know it can be so stressful when you are trying to do something and the baby is crying... Sometimes I think the best thing to do is grab the baby and get out of the house, even if it's just for ten mins.
When they are all grown up (ie 5 or 6) and easy to amuse you will look back at the times when it was hard and think 'i'm glad I put the time in'.

gosh, beejay/dexter - . I second beejay about putting the time in. When you look back, you will forget the tiredness and chaos, but you won't forget your dd's smiles and cuddles (or cries!).