Please, please help. DS(8) is developing a food disorder before my eyes and I am not sure how to intervene

[doingthehokeycokey]

It's been a tough time (abrupt, awful divorce) and my DS, aged 8, has had a hard time of it. Over the last few months he gained a bit of weight. He was not overweight before so the extra weight was not a disaster - just a bit of a tummy where previously there was none. He's always been a sugar fiend (like his mum - yes I know, they learn by example ) but he has never been a big eater and is very sporty so he has stayed a normal weight. But in the last few weeks he has begun eating bigger and bigger portions, and asking for more food. Tonight we had early supper at a friend (two chicken patties) and he came home and asked for some spaghetti bolognaise. And he has already requested double school lunch for tomorrow. And I am worried because he is getting ever so faintly chubby before my eyes. And I can see his eating is compulsive - he crams the food in rapidly and asks for more.

So what do I do ? We eat reasonably well though he does eat a lot of pizza and spaghetti bolognaise. But lots of vege's too. I have had food and weight issues my whole life so I know from experience that the quickest way to create a compulsive eater is to withold food and sweet things. I really believe I need to create a sense of abundance, and let him feel in control, rather than come down hard on his portions. But I feel quite desperate about it - he is so sad at the moment. I cant bear to see him add being fat to his problems.

Please help - would really welcome some advice and experience.

poor boy :(

is he getting any counselling ofr the trauma that he's been through?

talking about it might really help , he's stuffing food in to fill emptiness or upset or some need that he can't articulate yet... I am not a psychologist, but a big comfort eater.

nipping it in the bud as you see it develop would definitely ne a good thing

can you reduce portion sizes ? nothing at all wrong with spag bol ( lean mince/then drain off fat? add lots of extra veg the sauce and lentils to bulk out and add fibre. v filling ) and pizza - make home made - low fat cheese, lots of fresh tomatoes, veggies, lean ham? fun and makes him more aware of the food he is getting rather than just wolfing it down?

and now the weather is better - more exercise ! Can you afford a new sport - my kids do taekwondo and there are people of all ages and shapes and sizes there ..

getting out to the park, cycling, anything other than just being indoors?

hope you get sorted

Is there any way you can make your meals healthier? He might be having a growth spurt ready for puberty. Try quorum mince instead of beef, jack pot instead of chips, give him extra veg and less carbs etc

Thanks lulumama. Really appreciate the support, especially from someone who, like me, is a comfort eater. What do I do though, when he asks for seconds and thirds ? Just feels wrong to say 'no' when I have always trusted him to know his own satiation point.

I will try with more sport but he does quite a lot already, it's expensive, and in the afternoons it comes down to me playing sport with him or him reading on getting on the Wii. And truth be told I am not up for playing soccer every day....

Thanks again for the support

My children have food issues.
I have no junk food in the house. If I want to buy junk then I buy when I need/want it. If there is no junk then the children don't nag for it. Sweets are Fridays only and I bake a cake every Sunday. Children get a slice on Sunday and a slice after school on Monday.

Quantity- If my children ask for more food after shovelling it in I sometimes suggest seconds/dessert later or I tell them that the leftovers are for dh's lunch.

it feels wrong to say no, BUT it will feel worse if he becomes obese and his health suffers .

do you eat together?

can he have mates over once or twice a week after school maybe and they can have a kick about or do something?

any friends/family who you could do stuff with , walking/cycling etc so it's more fun and social for both of you?

you have to say no, and explain why, not in terms of 'because you'e going to get fat' but because it's healthier, he;ll have more energy etc

"I really believe I need to create a sense of abundance, and let him feel in control, rather than come down hard on his portions."

But he isn't in control. He has lost control - he is asking for food that isn't there and that he doesn't need.

He needs to intellectualise control - he won't regain it unconsciously. You must talk about portion control with him.

speak to gp and ask for their support

Thanks too pinkyp, sorry, our posts crossed. Yes, perhaps I should concentrate on lower fat meals. I'll rummag through the recipe books.

I would go with Lulu'a idea about counselling. I really would. I developed an eating disorder at around that age and had no help. It went on to take over my life and was pretty serious. I still have issues now.

I think if I had had professional help at that age I would have possibly averted the near disaster my life became.

So it's really important. I am sorry, you sound like a good mum and it must be very frightening for you. I think a trip on your own to the GP and ask about specialist counselling for children with eating problems, or at least for children with problems - don't focus on the food is another big tip, because the more people do that, the less in control you feel and the more you need to prove that YOU are unhappy, and so you eat even more/even less, whatever is going wrong, you do it more.

So focus very much on him and try to ignore the eating as much as poss...act as normal as you can.

Good luck, keep posting x

my ds1 has the tendency to overeat, not to the same degree as you are describing and i think its boredom/because he can rather than any psychological reasons.

we do limit his portion sizes, explain to him that actually he doesnt need seconds, talk about input/output in terms of how much you eat, how much you need to grow, to exercise to burn it off.

if he has pasta/pizza, let him have lots of salad and crudities alongside it?

i would be asking for some help, does the school have any support they can offer in terms of nurse, or someone he can talk to. and i know at my local sports centre they ahve healthy eating/exercise courses for kids that are meant to be quite good, perhaps look into something like that?

Sorry, posts KEEP crossing. Thank you all. I do take the point that he needs help to gain control, and perhaps you are right and I do need to talk to him about what he is eating.

I think I have my own miserable years of ineffectual dieting behind me and they are making me hesitant to intervene. In my experience knowing what is health and doing it are two very different things. And knowing I cant eat when and how I want to is always the quickest route to comfort eating for me.

Lulumama encouraging sporty friends is a good idea.

i also think he is having a growth spurt, so needs to eat cals, but obv better ones.

I struggle with my weight. How about Quorn mince, it is really good, and i've done chillis and bol with it, fed it to a family member who loves meat, and they didn't even notice.

As long as it's flavoursome, lots of garlic, tom pureee with the mix.

i am sorry about your divorce. my dd is 9 and had/has a rotten time with mine and the exs. She has had counselling too. Just be there for them that's all you can do.

I think my basic and really imo important point, is that it's NOT about the eating. Or the food, or controlling portions or any of that (though all are relevant).

It's about how he is feeling. That is what you must focus on almost entirely in order to get him past this.
I say past rather than through, because I hope it can be something very fleeting, that he is able to let go of once his feelings have an outlet.

I'm sure you already talk to him a great deal but he may not tell you things he would tell a professional - you're involved in the family, you have feelings he won't want to hurt, etc etc. so just give counselling for him a go and see if it makes a difference. And be very aware of him. I mean, cossetting a bit, you know - I think my 8yo would live on my lap if I let him so it's not too late for cuddling and babying him a bit.

Sorry to drip feed but yes, I have started counselling and I think it is going well. But the eating has coincided with starting the counselling ! I'm so hoping it helps.

treatwise, i am having a Morrisons toffee cornetto each day after tea. It's just under 200 cals.

don't buy biscuits anymore, they are too easy to eat. does he like baked beans? um, cous cous?

I would urge you not to overreact as it may just be a growth spurt - I had one when I was about 11 and ate 3 platefuls of mince/turnip/tatties and grew an inch in a couple of weeks.

Instead bulk up his portions with extra veggies, don't tell him you're doing it just add extra veggies to bolognaise and replace some of the red meat with lentils.

I think you need to wait a few weeks to see if it's still the case - pay attention to his emotional state, encourage him to talk, if there's a school counsellor see if you can get an appointment for him if he has other emotional issues.

Most importantly, do NOT blame yourself, he may not be reacting in the same way as you do to emotional circumstances - you really must not blame yourself.

This is all so helpful and supportive. Thank you. It's a huge relief just to 'talk' about it and to remember that I may not be entirely responsible.

Flightty sorry to hear about your own experience of this as a child. Can I ask, would it have been better if your parents had allowed you all the food you wanted, or do you think you would have ended up even heavier that way ?

Piratecat forgive my ignorance but is quorn lower calorie than (extra lean) mince ?

yes very much so. just don't over compensate on the frying oil. when you use it you will see it doesn't give off any fat, i am sure tho if you use a cheap olive oil, it will be good. extra garlic, onion, you can even dice up carrots really little, and when it's all cooked you can't even find the buggers!!!

Quorn fake chicken nuggets are great too, and high in protein.

had to look!

Quorn mince per 75g is 79 cals, or 2 fat
Tesco Lean mince is 139 cals or 9 fat

Thank you, I will hunt some quorn down. Is it to be found in the frozen food section ?

Is there any way you can get him to slow his eating down? It sounds like his stomach isn't registering the food he is eating because he's eating too quickly for the "full signal" to register.

yes in the vegetarian section. it's sometimes on offer. can get it in the chilled section but it's more pricey most of the time. You can bulk it out with loads of sauce!!

Also, my dd went thur an enormous and i mean huge growth spurt right on 8 yrs old. I am lucky she is slim/lean, but if she had been like i was at that age (not so slim) she would prob have put on loads of podge like i did then. Genetically she is gazelle like, lucky thing. She isn't a good eater, and hates veg.

She grew out of every item of clothing in about 6 weeks, even pants, and socks. Grew in height 5 inches in a year!!!

Look, kids need fats in their diet. The simplest easiest thing to do here is replace all refined carbs with complex ones (swap white bread, pasta and rice for wholemeal/brown, swap mash for new or jacket tatties, and go for porridge for breakfast, or egg) so at least he doesn't get stuck in a cycle of fluctuating blood sugar and subsequent cravings.

That will buy you time to deal with the emotional issues driving this, and I'm not sure how to go about that. Do make sure he's busy though. That's important I think, less time to wrestle with negative thoughts and feelings.

The problem is not food; that's the symptom. So cutting down portions or switching to healthier food or swapping refined carbs for wholemeal might be good overall life strategies but they aren't going to tackle your son's problem, which is that he has feelings which he does not know how to manage, and does not believe that he can share them without them overwhelming him/ you.

The thing would be to help him approach and experience those feelings without trying to make them 'go away' or him 'feel better', but that will take some real skill on your part, esp. if his feelings are related to your divorce. Can you work with a counsellor yourself, as well as getting his counsellor directly to address what is going on when he is eating? When he asks for extra spag bol, for example could you say "yes, but first shall we ... " and offer some activity that you both feel at ease with each other during - could be sit and talk, could be cuddle, could be go for a quick walk, whatever. If you let him know how you like his company during that activity, it could provide a context in which he opens up a bit and the feeling that he is seeking to cover with food might reveal itself. It might even be a bit more direct - he might get angry or sullen or upset that you've not said 'yes' immediately - and you could reflect that back to him, ("you're angry that I don't want to make the dinner straight away"). You don't then try and solve the anger by making dinner, but just try and help him stay present with his feeling, and be a calm, loving, accepting presence through it. This would be an opportunity for you to be accepting and loving of a negative feeling, which might help him trust that his more appalling (in his eyes) feelings will not overwhelm the two of you.

What you need, need, need to do is get some support addressing the feelings which lead to the eating, as once they are being managed appropriately by your son, he'll have no need or desire to overeat.

Those are such helpful posts - thank you. Sparkly you have put it so wisely and sensibly. I'm going to give it a go.