Please, please help. DS(8) is developing a food disorder before my eyes and I am not sure how to intervene

[doingthehokeycokey]

It's been a tough time (abrupt, awful divorce) and my DS, aged 8, has had a hard time of it. Over the last few months he gained a bit of weight. He was not overweight before so the extra weight was not a disaster - just a bit of a tummy where previously there was none. He's always been a sugar fiend (like his mum - yes I know, they learn by example ) but he has never been a big eater and is very sporty so he has stayed a normal weight. But in the last few weeks he has begun eating bigger and bigger portions, and asking for more food. Tonight we had early supper at a friend (two chicken patties) and he came home and asked for some spaghetti bolognaise. And he has already requested double school lunch for tomorrow. And I am worried because he is getting ever so faintly chubby before my eyes. And I can see his eating is compulsive - he crams the food in rapidly and asks for more.

So what do I do ? We eat reasonably well though he does eat a lot of pizza and spaghetti bolognaise. But lots of vege's too. I have had food and weight issues my whole life so I know from experience that the quickest way to create a compulsive eater is to withold food and sweet things. I really believe I need to create a sense of abundance, and let him feel in control, rather than come down hard on his portions. But I feel quite desperate about it - he is so sad at the moment. I cant bear to see him add being fat to his problems.

Please help - would really welcome some advice and experience.

I think you are going to have to learn to say no. Double school lunch? Why? And no child needs sweets. They should be for treats (parties, etc.) only.

I think you need to be tough. If your DS is miserable because of all that has happened, then you need to deal with this as a separate issue.

Hello, sorry OP I just came back to this.

I agree with Sparkly entirely. It is good to manage our children's diets and our own well, but that's not relevant to this issue. The more you focus on the dietary aspects and controlling it that way, the worse it may become as he will feel that he is being forgotten with all the fuss about his eating.

To answer you question Hokey, I didn't overeat as a child. I underate. I basically stopped trusting that I could eat and feel alright. I survived on very tiny amounts of food and my parents were understandably scared and they concentrated on this more than on what I needed which was basically masses and masses of reassurance, all the time. I needed them to sit down with me and say 'what are you feeling, love, and how can we help' but they didnt - they tried to breeze me through it by being 'normal' as possible, but also kind of 'come on, dont be ridiculous' sort of stuff which though I can imagine why they were exasperated, didnt help.

I know they didnt understand but I really needed to be asked, to be held and allowed to cry and be a baby and be scared, and not have that dismissed as 'silly' or 'it will never happen, just get on with it or you'll starve' or anything that tried to get me to be top-down normal again.

I definitely sensed their fear which is why a counsellor might have been better...however, if they had taken me seriously - said Ok, we will help you with this, whatever you need to do' it would have meant that there was someone there who accepted me, as I felt, and was there on my side completely. So, in terms of what I could eat, they had no control over that at all - whatever they did I was scared of food.

But with the emotional support in place, I could have found my trust and security returning much quicker. In the end I found coping strategies. But it took a long time and these fell apart as things continued to feel out of control at home, and school, and in terms of feeling safe. I felt alone, that's the best way I can put it. Maybe your son feels abandoned by his dad, maybe scared of losing everyone he loves in the same way, it'll be irrational but very powerful fears.
CBT is good with children. My Mum got a few techniques from a book and tried those with me. Just her attention and her not screaming at me to eat really helped more than I can say.

I do hope this helps a bit. Just love him, listen to him, don't try and make him do anything. Work with him on the eating by all means but it's a side issue. Ask him how he feels, what he is afraid of and accept those fears are real to him. That can be very valuable to a kid in this sort of situation.

Good luck with it, to both of you x

Oh I ought to add, my problems started with a very, very cruel teacher when I was 8 (she got fired years later for her awful treatment of children, or so I heard, many of us were traumatised after being in her class) and my parents still making me go to school despite my crying all the time and being terrified. (they were kind but reticent and didn't want to cause a fuss, or me to be 'different' by not going to school) and this coincided with both parents going away for I think a week each, for their studies, on summer schools etc. They had never been away before. I was scared something would happen to them, and I already felt totally alone with the school situation.

So fear of no one being there to look after me, in a very real and immediate sense was the main factor I think. I needed them to help me and they could not, or didn't know how to. I forgive them totally now. But it all began a vicious cycle of anxiety, refusal to eat, feeling physically unwell and dizzy etc which made me more anxious. This is typically very much helped by CBT counselling. I wish I had know that at the time. Now at 38 I have some ways to manage my panic attacks and so on. Don't wait that long!

I'm sure you will do everything you can.

Surely if he was having a growth spurt he would not be looking chubby though? He is only 8 and an adult still needs to be in control for him, which means saying no to another helping of food when you know he's had enough.

We have mealtimes and snack times and if the dcs ask for food at other times, I say no.

First of all, a big hug to you. Getting a divorce is a very distressing time to the whole family - are you and your ex husband handling it amicably and still presenting an united front to your son - i.e. we still both love you? In my experience, nothing is more distressing than having to witness your parents argue with very little power over what is happening to your family.

Secondly, I see two problems - comfort eating being learnt behaviour (e.g. a kid falls over and after initial cuddles we make it better by giving them ice-cream) and sugar. More sugar we eat, more we crave it. It is very important that children eat good carbs, so wholemeal bread, brown pasta and brown rice and fairly little sugar as fluctuating blood sugar levels can lead to mood swings. Fat and protein keep us fuller for longer and neither should be avoided so I would ignore all suggestions of low fat diets. Google Dr Briffa and his latest book - my husband who has suffered from overweight all his life is finally shedding the extra pounds with this book's help- much to his surprise. It helps to understand where obesity really comes from and why diets fail.

Other than that, I'd agree that comfort eating is a symptom, rather than the problem itself. I am sure within time it'll sort itself out, especially as your son is seeing a counsellor. You sound like a great mum and I'm sure there's no lack of cuddles in your house.

Hokeycokey, I'm so sorry about what your family has gone through, it sounds very tough. Your son's eating and his emotional state may be coincidental however rather than related, so be cautious and try not to worry. Calm, gentle reassurance, cuddles, etc may well go a long way to helping your son feel better. Encourage him to talk about his feelings, but don't pressurise; don't let him sense that you feel desperate in case this may become a further source of worry for him. It is natural for a child his age to want to start eating more as growth & development places greater demands on his body; so ensure that his diet is healthy- don't cut out fat as it is necessary for brain development- keep up the fruit and veg, sugary stuff in moderation and don't demonise it, and ensure he is drinking enough water, as sometimes kids confuse thirst with hunger. At this age my dc started eating two teas- early after school and a second a few hours later- so I wouldn't worry too much about that- it was clearly a developmental thing, and as I discovered not unusual at all. Regarding the sport, could you sometimes invite one of his friends back after school to kick a football around or something? Good luck

At the risk of being a bore, thank you, thank you all again. This is so very helpful. It's so easy to forget how to be a calm, sensible, sensitive parent when you are worried and alone - desperate even, as Mrs Pumphrey said. Flightty your post made me sad for what you went throught but also glad that you have triumphed as you have.

The requests for 'more, more...' have continued today and the thought of this thread has kept me sane (well, sane-ish.....). The divorce sort of coincided with - or was precipitated by - DP having to work in another town far away (which was in turn precipitated by financial difficulties) so poor DS simply hasnt seen his dad for an unacceptably long time. And I am now working full time and skint so I cant take him to see his dad. It's an awful situation - still cant believe it has all happened really. Sorry, long. Thank you all again.

Darling you don't have to be able to solve it by taking him to his dad. What you should maybe do is explain it to him, how you would if you had the money but you understand how he feels. (once he has told you, if he does open up to you and this is something he would like to happen, iyswim)

It's all about honesty and acceptance and doing our best. Talk to him, keep on talking to each other, I think that is the key and it's not your fault - any of it - remember that. These things do happen to nice children with good parents and it's something I'll bet he recovers from because you're behaving exactly like a really good parent should. We can all see that. Don't worry about the things you can't control,

just listen and talk and accept his feelings. That's the biggest thing you can do for him.

Waaaa Flightty

I agree with Flighty, but it may be worth trying to increase the protein and complex carbs you offer (relative to other types of food) as they stabilise the blood sugar. If he's sensitive to sugar then fluctuating blood sugar levels will make the underlying emotional issues worse as it can cause mood swings, depression, exhaustion and irritability. That would help you focus on talking to him.

Great point, Angeldog - I completely forgot to mention that. Blood sugar can be a real pain when you're dealing with mood problems, anxiety and so on

Actually when I was refusing to eat, I would sometimes manage something sweet like a biscuit or cake or a sweet, perhaps and then, what do you know, after a while I'd get that awful low blood sugar feeling and it would make me panic once again - part of it is you over-notice your physical feelings and they freak you out, so you think something's terribly wrong when actually, you're just hungry, or whatever - maybe he is experiencing hunger as a panic type of feeling, which makes him think he needs to eat or something bad will happen.

I didnt mean to make you sob but I do hope we have helped a bit. Let us know how you both get on.

I want to report back in the hope that my experience might be useful for other MN's seeking support.

Firstly, thanks again to all who responded to my original post. I was feeling so low and afraid when I posted and the empathy and suppport I got here really, really helped.

Partly because of what was suggested on the thread I went to talk to therapist myself. It was enormously helpful as what came up was a lot about my own worries about about money and how to provide ie my own fear of 'not enough'. I realised that my DS's attempt to cram everything he could into his mouth was not unrelated to my own sense of deprivation, fear and longing for comfort.

I also found this site: www.raisehealthyeaters.com/2009/07/ - or rather this particular article ( a review of a book by someone called Ellyn Satter). THe review confirmed my instincts about this, namely that the thing to do is to avoid a child feeling deprived of food in any way. (not that any of us deprive our children of food - I am talking about sense of deprivation)

In practice, all this meant that I concentrated on stocking the house with as much delicious, nutrioutious food that I could afford - basically aiming for a full freezer and a full pantry (we dont actually have a pantry but you get the idea - full cupboards). Then I concentrated on getting out and active as much as possible and on providing very regular meals, even if I was panicking a bit inside at how much DS was eating.

A few weeks on , this seems to have worked. DS still eats way too much junk but he has calmed down a lot at mealtimes, and I have noticed him saying 'no thanks' to seconds once or twice.

So I am offering a very tentative 'so far, so good' about our situation. As I say, I am posting in the hope that this might be useful to others. Right now this seems to be what is working for us. But every family is different, every parent/child is different and I am not in any way suggesting that what I did is any sort of answer. Just offering my experience in case it is useful for anyone else.

Thank you again to all who offered suppport, encouragement and useful advice. It helped me so much.

Hi hokeycokey,

Just found this thread.
Glad to hear you found something that helped.

I have to say my experience is similar. My son (9) is adopted and before being taken into care, he knew what it was to starve. He has had underlying food issues throughout his life, currently quite acute. They are emotional at bottom, of course they are, but the bottom line is that emotionally he cannot tolerate food being withheld. And he mixes up all sorts of other emotions with hunger. I have tried saying "no" and being really rigid on it, but he is really frightened and cannot see that food will come eventually. This is four years after adoption and more than that since he left his birth family!

So I do much as you describe. I keep the house stocked with food, I provide food when he asks for it. It's always a bit dodgy the night before the supermarket shop! I may not provide chocolate on demand, but there's always food (bananas/brown bread) on demand. I cook as much basic, nutritious filling food as I can and I involve him when he wants to be. I have found over time that he grazes, so rarely gets very hungry and it can be frustrating when he doesn't eat as much as I'd like of his "main" meal but needs food again an hour later. But the food an hour later is healthy, so does it matter? I think not.

When I first knew my son he was a bit chubby. He has grown and slimmed down, quite muscular now.

Oh, and of course we do masses of work on the emotional stuff, including fortnightly sessions with a psychologist. Bottom line though is that if he is wobbly he is "hungry" and denying him the food just increases his emotional state.

It wouldn't work for everyone and it probably helps that in our case it's very obvious where the fear of being hungry comes from, but I have a healthy, pretty happy child who is working through his issues. And he isn't overweight.

Good luck.