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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Any advice on coping with a 'runner'

40 replies

DizzyDancing · 26/03/2012 22:06

DS2 (2 1/2) is a 'runner' - just disappears out of my sight on a whim and is always running off. I cope with this mostly by keeping him on reins when we're out and about (the backpack one as this is the only one he'll tolerate) but they're are some places where this is not very appropriate.

For instance playgrounds/parks etc. I took him to Legoland on Friday and he ran off repeatedly, even when I turned my back for a second. He's so fast he can disappear really quickly. He was in the water park with his older brother (3) and all their friends, I was talking to DS1 looked up and he had gone - we found him about 4 minutes later (felt like a lifetime) at the top of DuploLand so he had gone some way. I can't keep him on reins in the water park but he just doesn't seem to be getting the message about staying safe.

One of my friends has suggested some sort of tracking device, does anyone know about these or does anyone have one?

Most of the time he is not doing this to be naughty, he is just very impulsive and doesn't think about the consequences of what he's doing. He will go a long way before realising that mummy is not there .

Any advice?

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HumphreyCobbler · 26/03/2012 22:08

I actually stopped going to places without walls. Sorry, I know that is a tad depressing. As soon as I put DS down he would bolt off in any direction, it was knackering. I never went on a picnic , it was no fun chasing him around all the time.

He will stop doing it soon though.

OneLieIn · 26/03/2012 22:09

Keep hold of him ... seriously. Don't try and find technology. Be your own eyes and ears. Do not let him out of your sight. Next time he runs off, make him hold your hand for 2 minutes, then let him go again. When he runs off again, make him hold your hand again for 2 minutes ...and again...and again...and again....and again....and again....and again....and again....and again...ad infinitum until he gets the message.

Seriously, a lot can happen in a split second.

Original poster

DizzyDancing · 26/03/2012 22:12

I know OneLieIn, that's what scares me so much .

I will try the holding hand thing, that sounds like something that might work. He does respond to behaviour strategies, I just couldn't think what to do .

HC, that sounds very familiar, and I do generally stay in secure places during the week when dh is not around. It's so nerve wracking .

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AnxiousElephant · 26/03/2012 22:19

The best way to deal with it is to be consistent. Before you go anywhere you say ' You walk by mummy or I will put you on reins, you are a big boy, do not run off'. Go out without reins and give ridiculous amounts of praise for staying close. When it is safe play the stop game in the park. Say 'we can play stop, hold him facing you and explain he can run and there will be a prize for the most good stops when you shout, i.e. sticker, 1 chocolate button etc'. Lots of praise for stopping well. Eventually just use praise while being good and he should get better. He needs to learn that stop means stop. If he doesn't stop immediately on first command back on reins until you get home. If possible take him home straight away. He will learn that running off is not fun!

AmusantDansLaJardin · 26/03/2012 22:22

yes, you just have to be on the case. Both DS's were like this. Thankfully it passes quite quick though. DS1 was about 3 when he stopped it and DS2 about 20 months. DS2 is 25 months now, but walked at 9 months so passed that stage far earlier!

Original poster

DizzyDancing · 26/03/2012 22:29

Thank you, this is all useful advice. DS1 never did/does this so it is all new to me . I understand about the taking home if he doesn't do as he's told thing but when I have both the boys I feel really bad for DS1 cos he ends up being punished for something that he hasn't done .

Think I definitely need to work on the consistency thing and make sure I don't give him mixed messages about where it is/isn't ok to run away .

I said to a friend the other day he should really have been born to a mum 20 years younger than me! He is gorgeous though .

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AnxiousElephant · 26/03/2012 22:32

Dizzy how old are your older children? If they are school age can you explain to them that you have to be strict on mini dizzy for a few weeks until he learns and that it isn't their fault and that hopefully with their help to tell him to stop as well it will improve?

Wolfiefan · 26/03/2012 22:36

My 2 yr and a bit DD gets told you hold a hand or I will pick you up. You choose!
I would put him in pushchair if he runs away! Strapped in is safe.
(I am an evil/paranoid mum though!)

Soccermom2 · 27/03/2012 00:19

I have two bolters, Aged 2 & 3. Ds1 has gotten so much better since he turned 3. If he runs off, I can get him back with a threat but ds2 is unreal. He has no fear of me or anyone for that matter and will run away laughing his head off as i run after him. I have started taking a buggy out with us and every time he runs off he spends 2 mins in buggy. He is getting a teeny teeny bit better but still is no where near as good as ds1.

It is so exhausting and mortifying especially when i run into someone i know and want to chat. I see mothers out and about chatting to other people and their kids just stand beside them waiting. There is no way I would be able to do that!!

mycatsaysach · 27/03/2012 00:23

dd was a runner too - buggy was the only answer for us

prepschoolreject · 27/03/2012 04:59

I go to the zoo alot I figure if the animals can't escape, then neither can DS!! Oh, and the RAF museum. Reckon they have got pretty good defences too!!!

Seriously, it is draining. I (like a previous poster mentioned) wouldn't even consider anything relaxing like a picnic. DS is neraly 4 now and still a little bolter. Completely impulsive.

I still rely on the buggy now and again (even though DS is MASSIVE!) and I get stupid comments from busibodies old people about how DS shouldn't be in a buggy 'at his age' and I should make him walk. IF ONLY THEY KNEW!!!!! It's like living with Forrest bloody Gump!!

Blackpuddingbertha · 27/03/2012 21:39

Agree with all above posters but if you want to consider the technology have a look at this site. Never used them myself or know anyone who has so can't offer any opinions though...

What I do use (and why I found the safe tots website) was wrist identification bands - we use them on holiday so that if they do disappear our telephone number is on their wrist and they know to show it to someone if they have lost us. DDs are now 4 & 5 and they still wear ID bands when we're abroad or going to very crowded places. We lost DD1 in the London Aquarium once for about 15 minutes when she was 3 and I never want to experience that again

Original poster

DizzyDancing · 27/03/2012 21:41

Thank you all for the advice - I have put a photo of the little monkey on my profile so you can see what a cheeky little thing he is .

Anxious (love the name Mini Dizzy !), I only have one other child - a boy of 3. He is very sensible and does try and help with DS2 (although I obviously never make him responsible for him as he's far too young!). I will try and talk to him if the situation arises.

However, I'm liking the idea of using the buggy as a mobile 'naughty step' . Think I will try that as he hates being in the buggy and if he thinks that will happen then he might just start to think twice about it. I really hope he grows out of it, but we'll see . . .

I'll keep you posted!

OP posts:

debka · 27/03/2012 21:45

No advice but your boys are gorgeous :)

Original poster

DizzyDancing · 27/03/2012 21:46

Blackpudding, cross posted - thank you for that link. I will have a look. I think an ID band would be good actually, but the watch/monitor thing might also be something to explore for us, even if it's something we share with DS2 in terms of him knowing what will happen if he strays. I don't want it to be my sole thing I rely on but maybe we need to go for a belt and braces approach .

OP posts:

Original poster

DizzyDancing · 27/03/2012 21:47

Aw, thanks debka .

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 27/03/2012 21:51

I would also second the buggy as a deterrent; or maybe put him back on the reins if he runs off. OK, it means he doesn't get the enjoyment - but he'll get the idea eventually that he needs to stay where you can see him at least, or he ends up not having fun.

Agree with you that it's unfair to punish your DS1 by taking them home, so you need to be able to restrain the little one and let him see DS1 going off and having a good time while he has to stay with you because he ran off.

Very cute boys! Butter wouldn't melt in their mouth types, both of them

Good luck! :)

Original poster

DizzyDancing · 27/03/2012 22:02

Thank you Thumbwitch - yes they are definitely butter wouldn't melt types, DS2 especially. One of my friends quite often babysits him and said she finds him impossible to tell off as he just turns on the charm and completely disarms her !

Yes, I prefer the idea of him seeing DS1 playing and understanding that he's being punished because of what he's done and he can join DS1 if he behaves. And also being consistent - sometimes I get cross, sometimes upset, sometimes just exhausted with it all . He needs to know what will happen every time (and need to speak to my CM too, although he is much better behaved for her ).

OP posts:

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 29/03/2012 09:33

I sympathise as DD is 3.5 and I still can't 100% rely on her to stay around. She has got much better recently though - at 2 she was a nightmare. We got through it by taking the buggy everywhere and setting expectations in advance - 'now I know you're going to be a good girl and hold mummy's hand/the buggy but if you run off, you will be back in the buggy without a warning'. And go through with it every single time. I have forced my wriggling, screaming DD in to the buggy even in the middle of a cathedral (she knew screaming would get her loads of attention and yes it is embarrassing).

Now DS has arrived (16 wks) and we no longer have a buggy for her to go in, we do the same but with reins. She is simply not allowed to run off and she goes on the reins every single time she does. It is so much better now that I only have to remind her that I have reins with me and she stays close.
Tbh, some kids are just runners DD was very late to walk and I wonder if it's related (frustration?). I still can't see a time when i would let her cross the road alone though - she is too easily distracted. Am hoping DS will be different!

happybubblebrain · 29/03/2012 09:41

If he runs off tell him off and take him home, immediately. I had the same problem for about a year or so. It was a bit of a nightmare, I'm so glad that bit is over. Hope it gets better for you soon.

FairyArmadillo · 29/03/2012 09:45

DS was a runner 2.5. He's almost 4 now. It was a nightmare. Used to get jealous of seeing other folks' kids walking calmly and obediently beside them. He grew out of it but for a while I stuck to enclosed places, backpack reins, buggy, didn't stay long in parks with wide open spaces and opportunities for running. He can now walk safely down the road with me, though I still use the backpack in town for my own peace of mind. A couple of my friends with younger boys have runners and I tell them there's hope!

DeWe · 29/03/2012 09:57

Just if you go back to Legoland, they have "Lost Parent" stickers where you write your mobile on, and stick them on their back. You can get them at the customer services. I have phoned parents before now and found their dc has walked half way across the park away from them.

Obviously if they're in the water they they may not have this on. Tbh that's the worst place for losing children. I have several times told customer service it's a risk area as there's so many ways out and asked for them to provide something there.

Other thing to do is get them to recognise the staff uniform-tell them to look for the name badge, but they would usually be taken to the lost child area then.

If you do lose totally they will lock down the park if there's a missing child. They won't let through the gates any child of the description given until they're found. I lost dd2 once. The entry staff were told to make sure any child showed both hands before leaving as her most distinguishing feature is missing a hand. I imagine they had a few faces.

Badgerina · 29/03/2012 18:36

Mine did this and it was a total, effing nightmare. I have to say, ditch the reins. He will never learn to stay close if half the time you're forcing him. I really think reins can sometimes cause the escape impulse.

prepschoolreject · 29/03/2012 18:40

Badgerina - can I ask if you just have 1 child or more?

I worry because, when I've ditched reins previously, I've ended up ditching DD (a year younger than her bolter brother) because I can only run after one of them and I can trust DD to stay where she is.

But, I am aware that DS is putting himself in danger, but I am putting DD in danger because it's she that gets abandoned when I have to peg it after DS (And I do mean peg it - he's fast and he WILL NOT stop)

I sort of feel that he should be the one to suffer, not DD. He is, after all, the one causing it.

StrandedBear · 29/03/2012 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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