What to tell a boy to do when hit by a girl??

[Squidgybumbum]

For some reason every time we go to the local indoor soft play, my ds at some point ends up getting whacked by a girl or girls. I saw it for myself today, bopped on the head with a dolls handbag! Goodness knows what he might be saying to annoy them, (if anything atall as you know how kids can be)...

I always tell him not to hit girls, but what else could I tell him as it seems all a bit unfair??

i think what i struggle with WRT fighting back, is the fact that as justified as you/your child feels in hitting back, the other person/child probably feels equally justified in hitting in the first place. i know to us it is black or white. you dont hit so if they hit first they are in the wrong and you are justified in hitting back but for a growing child who doesn't always process thoughts and actions teh same way as an adult, your child may just as easily justify being the hitter at another point in time if their parents are saying sometimes it's ok to hit. i know as a parent every instinct is to protect our children and to believe they are always the wronged party but i think it can be a risky policy to have if you allow hitting on certain occasions because when our children are out there on there own, it's up to them to decide whether this is an occasion where they can hit and just sometimes they might be the the little girl in the OP who hit first.

Booey, when I was at school I was never allowed to hit back (my mother was the headteacher, and a very scary one she was). But I rememember that walking away from bullies was the queue for them to start abusing me verbally.

I had a horrendous time in primary school (the kind of stuff you describe), where at any other settings (where my mother was less likely to be the first to know about my behaviour and misbehaviours and fall on me like a pile of bricks even when it wasn't my fault), I was a pretty confident child, but that was perhaps because abusive behaviour was nipped in the bud (by me) before it got too bad, while in school I didn't have that freedom.

But I agree that there are bullies who are not worth fighting unless you are in a good position to win. Sometimes it's better to walk off. Knowing when to or not is the difficult bit.

yes it is hard to know what to do for the best. IME bullies always have friends. i am only one person. i think if you do all you can to keep it from escalating that's all you can do. for me that means not fighting back unless you really need to.

DS (now 9) was told by his teacher (who told us in a parents evening in year 2) that he should hit his bullies back, and they'd soon stop. He is a gentle boy, and still shies away from confrontation, but getting him to eventually hit them back was the best advice he ever got. He now never complains about being bullied. He never picks on others, and is still the same gentle soul he ever was. The bullies however know now he's no pushover.

I woudn't make a distinction between a boy defending himself from boys as against girls. The ones in my old school were rough as anything. If you think that it's not proper for boys to hit girls then you're right. It's also not proper for girls to hit boys. The law of the playground is no place to get soft.

Take the little girl to her parent/ guardian just beacuse she's a girl doesn't mean she should get away with it.

Hmmm.... interesting one, this. Essentially i'd like to think i'll bring up my DS not to hit anybody, boy or girl. However, when i was about 12 i was getting bullied at school and there was one particular ring leader. One day i just had enough and smacked her one. She left me alone after that.

I suppose what i'm saying is it depends on various factors - whether it's a frequent thing and intervention by parents/ teachers has not resolved anything, the length and the intensity of it etc. If it's a one off, i'd probably just tell my DS to rise above it and be a real man. If it was happening all the time i'd take some different steps (talking to parent/ teacher or whatever). And as a last resort i'd tell him to hit back.

Spoke to ds1 about this and he said the kids who try to ignore bullies get harassed more. He said he sometimes gets hassle but able to deal with it, often just verbally and standing up to them. Occasionally, of someone hits or goes to, he will hit them. He said he doesn't really much and only last resort.

It's a hard one, I've told ds he does not hit girls but he can hold their hand to stop them hitting him. Not really been an issue tho

I never really know what the right thing is, my 6 year old DS has been repeatedly hit by the same child that continuously hits all the children and the child was punished (bottom of behavious chart) and my DS was put on the 2nd to bottom spot on the behaviour chart for hitting him back.

I feel like the school kind of dealt with it ok as they discussed with DS what to do/what not to do when someone hits you but other children are also being punished for the same thing (hitting back) and its this one child persistently behaving badly - not just hitting - lots of things.

I couldn't bring myself to tell DS off as firstly the school had dealt with it but also I don't mind that much that he hit him back really - I don't think that makes me a bad parent or encouraging violence as neither of my DSs have ever been violent towards others other than in self defence but thats quite rare!

Great comments, I guess the idea I like best is avoiding all physical stuff while he's still so young and introducing the concept of self-defence when he's a bit older. I definitely don't want my child to feel powerless in the face of bullies, who let's face it we all come across as kids and then unfortunately as adults too.

Must just say loved the comment about "living amongst an underground band of outlaw bare knuckle fighters" haha, no I don't but we don't live in a hippy commune either - just the real world!

this thread has been very helpful, and also firmly enforced my resolve to teach my children self defence.

also with the no hitting girls thing? i think its stupid. if you need to defend yourself, defend yourself.

Squidgy I like your idea of avoiding physicality when young. I'm going to ask my DCs if they experienced physical bullying and whether my line of no hitting disadvantaged them, they might have disregarded me and been very handy for all I know- they're teenagers now so I should get honest answers.

Chrononaut I wonder if 'being prepared to defend yourself physically' is 'read' by other children as an invitation to fight?

I taught DD to put her hand out in front of her rather like a traffic warden and say "stop it" and to take a small step forward. Basically she was being thumped at school, and doing that meant she showed she wasn't scared of them (she would enter their personal space / reinforce her own space, instead of retreating and inviting them to think she was an easy target) but didn't resort to hitting back. Also because she had her arm out, it made it harder for them to carry on charging into her to knock her to the ground. But I had seen her in the playground and her body language had changed from confident to appallingly scared and sad, and I kept doing the "well we don't hit people" routine go tell the teacher (for a whole month) ...... but in the end I told her to do this, and if necessary block them to protect herself and I would go in and deal with any consequences if she got in trouble. I am personally happy with my compromise. More importantly it stopped, and you would now never know she had been on the receiving end.

Until you have seen your child being on the receiving end, you think don't hit, go tell the teacher. But when its unrelenting I see nothing wrong with teaching a kid to block another child or develop assertive body language to protect themselves.

Ds aged 9 was beaten up by much bigger 13year old girl who had a habit of hitting any boy if she did not get her own way. Ds hit her back and off she went crying to her mum. All hell was let loose on my son because he had the audacity to hit a girl.
As far as I am aware girl has not hit anyone since. Sometimes I think a short dose of reality is all that is needed to show how it feels to be hit.
If I hit out at someone man or woman I would fully expect to be hit back equally if someone hit me I would definitely hit back. How can you say anything else.