What to tell a boy to do when hit by a girl??

[Squidgybumbum]

For some reason every time we go to the local indoor soft play, my ds at some point ends up getting whacked by a girl or girls. I saw it for myself today, bopped on the head with a dolls handbag! Goodness knows what he might be saying to annoy them, (if anything atall as you know how kids can be)...

I always tell him not to hit girls, but what else could I tell him as it seems all a bit unfair??

Soup -can you elaborate a bit please

Mama - isn't it obvious? Hitting someone in the face because they hit you isn't self defence. It's retaliation.

I keep having this discussion with Dh, especially as ds,2, is very gentle. I keep telling dh that in school, it doesn't matter who started it, both kids get suspended for violence and that we should be teaching ds to tell teacher/walk away depending on his age.

However, I never hit back as a kid and got bullied by various people for years. Dh did hit back and was left alone.

I don't know what the answer is really.

Soup, I'm not sure there is a difference between self defence and retaliation. You can legally hit someone to prevent them from hitting you.

I am with the defend yourself camp. Especially as my eldest was bullied a few yrs ago. Taught never to hit and suffered as a result!

Pressed send too soon. After a year of issues and inaction by the school- one rugby tackle stopped the bully in his tracks and stopped the bullying!

pfft not obvious no. And when you have a group of children hitting your ds I'll not specify where it is allowable for him to hit out if need be. I am talking an older child here. And I don't think he's actually hot someone in the face on purpose, but if that's where his hit fell, that's where it fell.

I like the idea of saying to grab other child's hands, very good idea for younger kids (thinking of when ds2 starts year r).

pushing back isn't self defence. it's tit for tat. he hit me so i hit him.

it's a crap policy to say they can push back but not fisticuffs. what do you think the initial hitter is going to do when pushed back? they're going to hit back harder and before you know it your ds is balling his fists. and you have two 3 year olds in a ball on the floor.

teach your child to walk away from any forms of aggression or violence. that is the best way to prevent him getting hurt more. it doesn't take his pain away to hit back. no matter how good it makes you feel that your ds "takes no shit". the amount of times i have heard that from the parents of bullies.

ohdear ds1 being front row has certainly helped his confidence.

Iam if that's the case why does it seem that those of us who's kids were taught that- have kids that were bullied? Walking away does NOT always work.

Once he gets to school / nursery, he'll be the one in trouble if he hits back. Don't encourage him to learn habits now which will cause him problems later.

You can be more nuanced with older children if necessary, but 'go and tell an adult' should be the response for any child that young.

ohdear neither does fighting back IME.

Iamboo - I disagree, having been bullied. If your child is bought up in a loving home and taught not to hit then they don't as a rule. However at school they are exposed to children who do hurt them and I believe that your child deserves to feel safe and if the teacher is unable to resolve the issue, the child should be given the support from parent to defend themselves. It doesn't mean turning your child into a thug, it's about having faith in oneself and the confidence to stand up for oneself, if at times that means physically.

I'm with onehandflapping too, but I don't know at what age or how I'd discuss it. I agree that at 3 gender doesn't make much difference to physical strength.

I don't remember ever hitting or being hit by other kids. DH was bullied for a short time until he hit the main bully back (as instructed by his DF). Then it stopped.

Hitting someone back: retaliation
Hitting someone whilst preventing further attack and to get away: defending yourself.

Quite straightforward really.

For the ones that say "so and so hit back and didn't have any problems again". My dh hit someone back at school (hard) and he was told if he ever got into trouble again he would be expelled, so then people felt free to have a go at him as they knew he couldn't do anything about it, so there you go...
For the record, he is not a violent person and I've never seen him hit anyone ever, this is when he was 13 I think.

Iam- standing up for himself once was all it took to stop my DS being bullied. Have you experienced it?

meee is be really annoyed with the school for not dealing with the bullying and then allowing it to continue.to the point of considering alternative schooling

When DS was in nursery there was a boy who constantly nite him, it lasted over three years, by the time DS came home with a bleeding ring of teeth marks on his arm I had enough.

We had tried EVERYTHING, the nursery had talked to the mother, the mother talked to the child, the child was told not to do it and told off by EVERYBODY but the problem continued so, I told DS to bite him back as hard as he could, and after 3 years of this nightmare, that was the day when...

...they became best friends.

Move forward a few years and we have a similar problem with 2 bullies, DS was comming with bruises and marks where he had been hit by bullies at school. Problem extending over several years without the school wanting to do anything at all as they had not seen the bullies doing it even if they could see the burns on DS' back where he had been dragged around the floor, or the bruises where he had been kicked. Then one day they started playing rugby and they had a very physical go at each other under the excuse of the game.... no problem since then.

So although I would be HIGHLY mortified at my son retaliating at the first opportunity, I sit on the fence for this.

When my eldest was small I was of the same opinion as the majority here.

I raised a lovely placid little boy,.,,,,who was bullied, kids hit kids who wont hit back, that is a fact and dont put your faith in schools dealing with it because they wont and are limited as to what they can do, if you think its bad in primary wait til you get to secondary!

If someone hits you, hit them back harder you will only need to do it the once.

None of my noys have bullied anyone or started fights, but if someone starts with them they will not sit and take it.

push her away (forcibly) and shout very loud : don't hit me! Whether it is a boy or a girl that is what I told my dd to do. Whether she did or not, I don't know but I had her practise with me till it was loud enough and the push was clear enough. At first it was quiet and no real force in the push, that would have no effect at all.

well i was also bullied at school and when it got physical i fought back. the physical stuff didn't happen again, mostly because they just stopped acknowledging me altogether. i remember the pain of sitting on my own at the edge of a playground day after day still 17/18 years later. i can remember the embarassment when i discovered my bikes tyres had been cut and i couldn't do my cycling proficiency test, i remember the feeling in my throat when i could hear them all talking about the birthday party they were all invited to at the weekend but i can't remember the pain of getting punched in the face or being held against the wall by my throat. bullying is far more than a physical pain and hitting back doesn't stop it. i was assaulted last year by someone in my family who is a bully, i didn't fight back. if i had i probably would have been seriously injured and it would still be ongoing now as her family would not have left it there. but i walked away and have nothing more to do with them. they are gone and out of my life and i didn't have to lower myself to her level to acheive it.

Don't know what to say to that booey. Sounds horrendous.

iam sorry for you. I guess all we can do is use our experiences to help our kids x

I well up when I hear these accounts of bullying. I would be heartbroken if this happened to a child of mine. If retaliating made it stop, I would want them to do it.

And, yes, in principle I do believe it's wrong to hit back. But I also think being a pushover (literally) can ruin a child's life too.