4mnth old trying to rule my life

[colette]

Well not quite but that's how it feels sometimes. Ds is 4 1/2 mnths old and if I am not feeding him or playing with him or he is not asleep he yells to be picked up!
By the evening when I am trying to put dd to bed (dh is usually at work) I am finding it really irritating(sp?)
I have to leave him giving blood curdling screams while I tell her a story. He is not quite so bad earlier in the day but he wants to be entertained constantly - sitting him in front of the washing machine,or under his baby gym doesn't work anymore . He makes me feel guilty but on the other hand I am getting fed up trying to cook /eat/ go to the loo as quickly as poss . I can't remember dd being like this as often.
He is too heavy to hold for long as my back is starting to protest( I sound really sorry for myself !!)
Any ideas/solutions welcome
He doesn't do this as much for dh

Have you tried a door bouncer? I found it a life-saver at this age!!

Hi Colette. How old is your dd? I remember this juggling and still have it to some degree as dh works late some evenings. I put the youngest to bed first then go in to older one who is looking at her books and picking the story she wants. She is 3.1 yo and is usually quite patient but yes it's hard isn't it. I found ds harder than dd and at about 4 months bought a door bouncer and life became brighter once again as I stuck him in it for hours. Then once he could crawl things improved a little more as he could get what he needed. Your ds is probably a bright fella and frustrated that his body won't do what his mind wants. Hope someone can give you some good ideas to try.

Exactly this happened to me with ds2. As soon as he got to 4.5 months he used to screech like a pig being tortured if we weren't giving him our undivided attention. He was just desperate not to be left out and it wasn't until he could move around that things improved. The evenings were particularly bad and I always had to cook while holding him - he was really heavy as well.

I'm afraid that with us it was a question of waiting for him to get mobile and then he was a lot happier. Also, once he can sit in a high chair you can put him in that while you're cooking etc and he will feel more included.

Sorry not to be more encouraging - I do know how hard it is when you have to get on with other things.

Perhaps you have just got yourself one of those clingy babies? My Ds is like that and although he is now two, I still carry him around on my hip and entertain him constantly. Some babies are just like that I think. In my mind, you are better off accepting it and do what he wants. I find that the more I resisted, the more he screamed and I got really stressed. Mine didn't even sleep by himself, but had to be carried even for his daytime nap.....In the end I bought a sling so I could get on with things. I think boys are more often like this than girls.
I am afraid I haven't got any advise really. I tried the telly and found that tellytubbies and for some reason Killroy entertained him to some extent. Have you tried the telly?

I posted a message last night ,computer froze!!

Thanks very much for your replies it makes such a difference. I am keen to try a door bouncer . What ones do you reccommend ? At the moment he is grinning and cooing at dd who is watching scooby doo (her favourite programme) but I know he will get bored soon.
Sari he sounds just like that pig as well

Beetroot
He won't go down for the night until 9pm and he has a snooze about 6.30pm! I b/f him while I tell her a story sometimes but when he has finished he gets restless - it is so hard to time it all. I am hopeful thjat I will finetune our evening routine
It is so hard to think clearly when you're knackered

my clingy baby hated the door bouncer, I just had to put her in a sling and carry her around everywhere. I firmly believe that you should pander to them as much as possible at this age - hard I know when you have others but make the most of it - just wait until he is crawling and clingy!!

Agree with beetroot about the bedtime, can't you put him down at 7 as he is obviously sleepy then?

i tried putting him down at 7 thinking how well it would all work out. He slept for 20 mins ( his usual snooze) and woke up screaming.
I agree that we should pander to them but it is impossible unless I had a full time nanny and cook , also dd has not long started school and needs some time spent on her . She has adjusted well to all the changes but is sometimes lacking in confidence and needs me as much as him ( luckily only for a few short bursts).
TBH when he is screaming blue murder and I know he has been fed etc. it gets on my nerves after a while

I think it's natural to feel irritated, but he only does it because he loves and trusts you - and it will pass. My ds was just like this. I held him all the time. Of course I didn't have a three year old to cope with but agree with the advice that you have to accept it otherwise it is much worse - they cry more and get more clingy. Can you not b/feed him while you read a story to your dd, or put them in the bath together (or all get in at once?) and give your baby your physical attention but your dd your mental and emotional attention? I'm sure it is very hard.
Also, a dummy may well help esp during the tricky bedtime period.

Hi colette
I'm probably going to sound hard-faced now after evryone else telling you to pander to him, but even at this young age babies can be manipulative. He knows that if he screams loudly you will pick him up. The fact that he doen't do it as much for dh says that he is doing this.

It would be lovely if in an ideal world we could always have no other children to see to, a cleaner/housekeeper to do jobs, etc., we had had a full nights sleep every night.
But I don't agree with the thinking that this is just the way things are and you have to put up with it. I think that that sort of attitude from evryone you talk to is one of the things that makes what should be a lovely time bonding with your baby and enjoying them, a miserable, stressful one. And I think you can make a rod for your own back.

Do you put him for regular sleeps in the day so he isn't getting overtired? He will need a sleep every two hours-ish. It might be easier if you make a note of what times he gets tired and put him down at those times every day.
If he's up early, 9pm might be too late for his bedtime. Try a consistent bedtime routine and put him in bed at the same time every night.
Is he getting enough to eat?
He might just be one of those babies that need a pretty rigid routine.

If you know he's not hungry, tired, got a dirty nappy, then reassure yourself with the fact that all his physical needs are met. When you've got another child to see to, there are times when you just have to let him cry while you stay in sight, talking to him, but letting him know that he can't be carried round and entertained constantly. Obviously you give him lots of cuddles too, but carrying him round all day is not going to do you any good, and he'll never learn to entertain himself by watching what's going on around him, which he WILL gain a lot from.
DON'T feel guilty about this! He will be happier if you are happy in the long run, and it would be a shame to carry on like this and spoil what should be a lovely time.
Hope this hasn't sounded too harsh or bossy, it wasn't meant to be.
E-mail me if you want to chat

HTH
Elena x

colette, how about a Graco swing? Seem to remember my dd loved hers at about this age, it would keep her happy for up to 20 mins.

I guess I couldn't disagree with Elena2 more. Mothers are the most important person in a baby's life and they have every right to want as much love as they can get from you. They're not being "manipulative"; they're letting you know that you are the centre of their universe. The best source of love, warmth, nurturing, everything. It's not "pandering" to try to keep them happy.

That said, I always opperated an equal needs policy in my house, and sometimes it was ok to put my needs came first. Or another child's needs, DH's -- even the cat's. You have to find your own balance.

About Door-bouncers: I think the Tesco's door-bouncer is a good one, good price, too.

I also strongly disagree that babies can be manipulative. I also strongly disagree that they need to be held and cuddled isn't a physical need as strong and every bit as important as the need for food and warmth. In horrible experiments baby monkeys preferred a cuddly, furry pretend mummy monkey they could hang on to but didn't have any food to a wire, hard model of a mummy monkey that dispensed food. Hideous experiment, but interesting result, I thought. Of course, putting a baby down for a bit while you do something essential isn't cruel or anything, and having had a clingy baby I do understand, but that baby isn't trying to manipulate you - it has literally no idea that you have desires different to his.

I agree with you, Zebra. I don't for a single second believe babies are manipulative and able to rule people's lives - I wouldn't have thought they have the necessary thought processes to do that. It is their instinct for survival that makes them ensure their presence is noticed, not any concept of making life difficult for others.

Ime, it's easiest to go with the flow, invest in a sling and remember that nothing lasts forever.

Elena I do not think you are being harsh , I agree that sometimes feeling guilty is not good for the mum and I cannot possibly give him 100% attention 24/7. Sometimes when you are trying to do the impossible all that happens is he reaches new heights with his crying dd gets harassed and I end up exhausted.
Got to go dh back from supermarket with ds:0

actually, i agree with elena, except the manipulative bit - small babies aren't capable of it. although when you are on the receiving end, it might seem like it. also, ds tended to be this kind of baby, requiring a lot of attention and didn't sleep during the day.

we both hated the sling and he couldn't stand the door bouncer!

as i didn't have any other children, i could give him plenty of attention.

i just don't see how you can follow a totally baby centred approach when you have another child/ren. it doesn't seem fair to me.

like zebra, we follow an "equal needs" approach (call it "family centred" in our house).

anyway, colette, hope you have better luck with the sling/door bouncer options than i did! if not it might be time to think about a more structured routine for his day?

Colette, try the Lindam door bouncer if you decide to get one. My ds used to nap also early evening and if I tried to slip him into his cot he would go crazy. He was about 9 months before a proper bedtime routine was established because of the long summer evenings. The door bouncer may tire him out though so definitely worth a try for about £25.00.

beetroot
she is 5 and doesn't go to bed until about 8. he changes the time of his evening snooze .but yes I agree this getting a more definate routine will help me . tomorrow we are going to get a door bouncer I am optimistic it will help because he is most agitated when he is bored and this can be any time of day the evenings are just harder because I am tired . thanks for the replies - excuse typing i am typing whilst bouncing him on my knee.

Hi, i've got the same problem with my dd (she's 5 months). she just gets bored and needs constant attention. She'll be crying but the minute I go over to talk to her she'll start smiling. I was advised to get a door bouncer but she hate's it so I've got one for sale if you're interested. I just have to leave things to give her attention. A complete pain but I know it won't last forever. I do feel for you as you have another young child (whereas my ds is 15). Lets hope your ds takes to the door bouncer. Most do

I'm in the same boat. My ds is 5 months and will, on a good day, amuse himself for about 3 minutes before the yelling starts. I do think it's got a lot to do with frustration on their part at this age - they want to do things but can't. Ds will stop screaming and start laughing the second you 'stand' him up - well supported of course!! - and wants to reach out and grab everything (he;s trying to type with me now ) I don't agree they are intentionally manipulative but sometimes it can feel that way. I just keep telling myself it will pass!!