4mnth old trying to rule my life

[colette]

Well not quite but that's how it feels sometimes. Ds is 4 1/2 mnths old and if I am not feeding him or playing with him or he is not asleep he yells to be picked up!
By the evening when I am trying to put dd to bed (dh is usually at work) I am finding it really irritating(sp?)
I have to leave him giving blood curdling screams while I tell her a story. He is not quite so bad earlier in the day but he wants to be entertained constantly - sitting him in front of the washing machine,or under his baby gym doesn't work anymore . He makes me feel guilty but on the other hand I am getting fed up trying to cook /eat/ go to the loo as quickly as poss . I can't remember dd being like this as often.
He is too heavy to hold for long as my back is starting to protest( I sound really sorry for myself !!)
Any ideas/solutions welcome
He doesn't do this as much for dh

[colette]

thanks metrobaby - am so glad I started this thread as the suggestions posted in response have really helped.

[Metrobaby]

The videos are available from amazon - do a search under their videos for either Baby Bright, Baby Mozart, baby Shakespear, or Baby Einstein. Most have a review as well which maybe useful in deciding one to go for.

As for the cranial osteopath I would try and go to one that is recommended by someone you know. My BF went a year ago to one who charged I think £25 a session and had 4 sessions in total. If you do a search on the talk boards theres also some threads about other mumsnetters who have tried them out too.

[colette]

Metrobaby thank for your suggestions .
How did you find a good ostepath and was it expensive? Also can you tell me some more about the videos .

[colette]

thanks for your replies
I should have logged on again before sending dh out to buy one on sunday- but thanks for the offers,
He loved it only for short bursts but it's amazing what you can get done in 15mins.However today he yelled after 5 minutes - I think he was hungry . I really hope he is not getting bored with it.Poor dd fell asleep whilst waiting for me to settle him before she got her bedtime story.
Btw he is not particular about who is entertaining him and will go quite happily to anyone who will give him their undivided attention.He has had enough of watching Rollie Pollie (that I have minimized on the screen whilst typing) and is wriggling on my lap I am off to try and put him in the door bouncer again.I need to get some thing done but heyho I am not getting stressed about it today at least not until later!!

[bossykate]

that is a great post, metrobaby.

[Metrobaby]

Much sympathies Colette. My DD was an extremely clingy baby who needed to be constantly entertained or held. It was so exhausting and I must admit there would be days when I would feel resentful that I couldn't get anything else done, and sometimes hated life as a new Mum. I used to look with such envy at some of my friends and sister's babies who would happily sit there and gurgle away happily to themselves. It did become marginally easier when DD became mobile - although even then she still loved my un-divided attention. Things I found helped me a great deal were the following:-

• Door bouncer
  
• Baby Eiensten range of videos
  
• Childrens music tapes and calming classical music
  
• Help from my Mum and DH to give me a much needed break from time to time
  
• Cranial oestopathy (one of my BF swore by this)
  
• Early bedtime (7pm for DD so that at least I could get all my chores done in the evening)
  
• Ensuring DD got enough sleep during the day - for me having a routine worked well here
  
  DD to this day loves attention - I think it must be her personality. I am ashamed to admit that as she got older she wasn't very good at entertaining herself at all. It was only once I sent her to nursery she actually learnt that skill. However, she is a bright and happy child who is very sociable towards both adults and other children, so there is definately light at teh end of the tunnel.

[DebL]

Colette, if you fancy giving a Lindam door bouncer a try, I have one that you can have for £5. My DD was also like your son at that age, and the boucer did entertain her for just long enough for me to cook a meal or clean the kitchen...

Email me if you want details.

[moominmama86]

I'm in the same boat. My ds is 5 months and will, on a good day, amuse himself for about 3 minutes before the yelling starts. I do think it's got a lot to do with frustration on their part at this age - they want to do things but can't. Ds will stop screaming and start laughing the second you 'stand' him up - well supported of course!! - and wants to reach out and grab everything (he;s trying to type with me now ) I don't agree they are intentionally manipulative but sometimes it can feel that way. I just keep telling myself it will pass!!

[magnum]

Hi, i've got the same problem with my dd (she's 5 months). she just gets bored and needs constant attention. She'll be crying but the minute I go over to talk to her she'll start smiling. I was advised to get a door bouncer but she hate's it so I've got one for sale if you're interested. I just have to leave things to give her attention. A complete pain but I know it won't last forever. I do feel for you as you have another young child (whereas my ds is 15). Lets hope your ds takes to the door bouncer. Most do

[colette]

beetroot
she is 5 and doesn't go to bed until about 8. he changes the time of his evening snooze .but yes I agree this getting a more definate routine will help me . tomorrow we are going to get a door bouncer I am optimistic it will help because he is most agitated when he is bored and this can be any time of day the evenings are just harder because I am tired . thanks for the replies - excuse typing i am typing whilst bouncing him on my knee.

[Queenie]

Colette, try the Lindam door bouncer if you decide to get one. My ds used to nap also early evening and if I tried to slip him into his cot he would go crazy. He was about 9 months before a proper bedtime routine was established because of the long summer evenings. The door bouncer may tire him out though so definitely worth a try for about £25.00.

[bossykate]

actually, i agree with elena, except the manipulative bit - small babies aren't capable of it. although when you are on the receiving end, it might seem like it. also, ds tended to be this kind of baby, requiring a lot of attention and didn't sleep during the day.

we both hated the sling and he couldn't stand the door bouncer!

as i didn't have any other children, i could give him plenty of attention.

i just don't see how you can follow a totally baby centred approach when you have another child/ren. it doesn't seem fair to me.

like zebra, we follow an "equal needs" approach (call it "family centred" in our house).

anyway, colette, hope you have better luck with the sling/door bouncer options than i did! if not it might be time to think about a more structured routine for his day?

[colette]

Elena I do not think you are being harsh , I agree that sometimes feeling guilty is not good for the mum and I cannot possibly give him 100% attention 24/7. Sometimes when you are trying to do the impossible all that happens is he reaches new heights with his crying dd gets harassed and I end up exhausted.
Got to go dh back from supermarket with ds:0

[suedonim]

I agree with you, Zebra. I don't for a single second believe babies are manipulative and able to rule people's lives - I wouldn't have thought they have the necessary thought processes to do that. It is their instinct for survival that makes them ensure their presence is noticed, not any concept of making life difficult for others.

Ime, it's easiest to go with the flow, invest in a sling and remember that nothing lasts forever.

[aloha]

I also strongly disagree that babies can be manipulative. I also strongly disagree that they need to be held and cuddled isn't a physical need as strong and every bit as important as the need for food and warmth. In horrible experiments baby monkeys preferred a cuddly, furry pretend mummy monkey they could hang on to but didn't have any food to a wire, hard model of a mummy monkey that dispensed food. Hideous experiment, but interesting result, I thought. Of course, putting a baby down for a bit while you do something essential isn't cruel or anything, and having had a clingy baby I do understand, but that baby isn't trying to manipulate you - it has literally no idea that you have desires different to his.

[zebra]

I guess I couldn't disagree with Elena2 more. Mothers are the most important person in a baby's life and they have every right to want as much love as they can get from you. They're not being "manipulative"; they're letting you know that you are the centre of their universe. The best source of love, warmth, nurturing, everything. It's not "pandering" to try to keep them happy.

That said, I always opperated an equal needs policy in my house, and sometimes it was ok to put my needs came first. Or another child's needs, DH's -- even the cat's. You have to find your own balance.

About Door-bouncers: I think the Tesco's door-bouncer is a good one, good price, too.

[CountessDracula]

colette, how about a Graco swing? Seem to remember my dd loved hers at about this age, it would keep her happy for up to 20 mins.

[elena2]

Hi colette
I'm probably going to sound hard-faced now after evryone else telling you to pander to him, but even at this young age babies can be manipulative. He knows that if he screams loudly you will pick him up. The fact that he doen't do it as much for dh says that he is doing this.

It would be lovely if in an ideal world we could always have no other children to see to, a cleaner/housekeeper to do jobs, etc., we had had a full nights sleep every night.
But I don't agree with the thinking that this is just the way things are and you have to put up with it. I think that that sort of attitude from evryone you talk to is one of the things that makes what should be a lovely time bonding with your baby and enjoying them, a miserable, stressful one. And I think you can make a rod for your own back.

Do you put him for regular sleeps in the day so he isn't getting overtired? He will need a sleep every two hours-ish. It might be easier if you make a note of what times he gets tired and put him down at those times every day.
If he's up early, 9pm might be too late for his bedtime. Try a consistent bedtime routine and put him in bed at the same time every night.
Is he getting enough to eat?
He might just be one of those babies that need a pretty rigid routine.

If you know he's not hungry, tired, got a dirty nappy, then reassure yourself with the fact that all his physical needs are met. When you've got another child to see to, there are times when you just have to let him cry while you stay in sight, talking to him, but letting him know that he can't be carried round and entertained constantly. Obviously you give him lots of cuddles too, but carrying him round all day is not going to do you any good, and he'll never learn to entertain himself by watching what's going on around him, which he WILL gain a lot from.
DON'T feel guilty about this! He will be happier if you are happy in the long run, and it would be a shame to carry on like this and spoil what should be a lovely time.
Hope this hasn't sounded too harsh or bossy, it wasn't meant to be.
E-mail me if you want to chat

HTH
Elena x

[aloha]

I think it's natural to feel irritated, but he only does it because he loves and trusts you - and it will pass. My ds was just like this. I held him all the time. Of course I didn't have a three year old to cope with but agree with the advice that you have to accept it otherwise it is much worse - they cry more and get more clingy. Can you not b/feed him while you read a story to your dd, or put them in the bath together (or all get in at once?) and give your baby your physical attention but your dd your mental and emotional attention? I'm sure it is very hard.
Also, a dummy may well help esp during the tricky bedtime period.

[colette]

i tried putting him down at 7 thinking how well it would all work out. He slept for 20 mins ( his usual snooze) and woke up screaming.
I agree that we should pander to them but it is impossible unless I had a full time nanny and cook , also dd has not long started school and needs some time spent on her . She has adjusted well to all the changes but is sometimes lacking in confidence and needs me as much as him ( luckily only for a few short bursts).
TBH when he is screaming blue murder and I know he has been fed etc. it gets on my nerves after a while

[Enid]

my clingy baby hated the door bouncer, I just had to put her in a sling and carry her around everywhere. I firmly believe that you should pander to them as much as possible at this age - hard I know when you have others but make the most of it - just wait until he is crawling and clingy!!

Agree with beetroot about the bedtime, can't you put him down at 7 as he is obviously sleepy then?