Love/hate relationship with my 2yo DS... how to cope with the hate

[EmmaCate]

I love my DS very much. However recently he's become really whingey and tantrummy. My anger is getting the better of me and he's possibly feeding off it/ becoming insecure, which is making things worse.

Today he had a meltdown when I told him it was lunchtime and he wanted to continue watching Mr Tumble. Hysterics and batting away the food without trying. I walked away and said something like 'Yeah whatever.... I HATE you.' Last bit was screamed at him. I did eventually manage to get him to eat his lunch without capitulating though, and apologised for what I'd said.

This evening, picking at dinner without properly trying. Didn't shout at him but my anger was right back up again and I had to dissipate by doing following: smacking work top in kitchen; walking into sitting room and screaming; picking up books that I had been entertaining DS with while he ate and hurling them into sitting room; picking up his sippy cup and hitting it against kitchen table then twice on work top.

He's just woken up at 00.30 (this time or 04.50 seem to be witching hours with regards this). Asked him what's wrong. Gave drink, changed nappy. Said we wanted to sleep in our room tonight (we have made rod by allowing him into our bed lots recently; DH goes in spare) and told him we'd be putting him back in his cot. Meltdown as we approached cot. DH says will take him in other room; I say to DH sarcastically in earshot of DS 'I've a good mind to shut him in a wardrobe to sleep, then we'll see how he feels about his bloody cot.'

DS just turned 2; we are about to move him to a big bed. I am SAHM also with DD 4 months. He might be getting a molar up top and I have found this makes him noticeably more crap behaviour-wise; I just want someone to tell me to get a grip and/or say I'm not alone in feeling this. When I put DS down to sleep (easily done, bizarrely) I often say sorry if I've been cross in the day and I will tell him I love him lots. When he's not being contrary we laugh lots together; I just take things personally sometimes.

Sorry for massive post...

Hmmm, I'm reluctant to post because you seem to be having a hard time but surely you know that it's not right to hate a 2-year old? You can 'hate' their behavior, maybe, and tell them that their behavior is wrong but you just can't ever say that you hate them. That's awful.

You're clearly exasperated with him but you are the parent so it's your job to count to ten, take a deep breath and remain in control. If you lose your temper and bang pots and shout and scream, you're telling him that tantrums and losing control are the way that adults deal with their emotions too.

It must be hard having a young baby and a toddler going through the terrible twos but you still can't lose your temper. The advice is always to secure your child and make sure s/he is safe, exit the room and take five or ten minutes to collect yourself before going back to take control of the situation.

I suggest you ask for some support in real life to help you cope better as it sounds like you're really not coping.

I second getting some support in real life if you can because it sounds like you are struggling.

You can't take his behaviour personally he is a child and it is an important developmental stage for him to challenge you to find out where his boundaries are.

Have you always had problems with your temper because the levels of rage you are feeling are not normal for the situation. Do you think it might be worth talking to your HV to get some better coping techniques.

You say you have a 4 month old too is your DH helping you with the night feeds. If you're tired everything seems worse and it's harder to cope.

I hope you can get some support because you sound like you're at the end of your tether.

Hi. Your post is quite hard to read as you do sound very angry. You have a baby and a toddler which is bloody hard work. So do I do I can sympathise. Your two yo is being a two yo, who's trying to get used to having a new sibling so his behaviour is normal I'm afraid!
Do you think you might have some PND? I have experienced some of the extremes of mood you have and it's horrid. Like very bad PMT. I'm taking meds now and am waiting for counselling. The meds have really helped and I am now much calmer.

Although it's hard when these feelings take over you need to remove yourself from your DS. Saying those things and chucking stuff around is a coping mechanism but you HAVE to stop doing it where he can hear/see you. It's not his fault (nor yours) so he needs to feel secure however you feel at the time. Hand him to DH, leave the room, whatever it takes.

Go and talk to your HV and GP. They won't judge you and can hopefully offer support. Trust me you don't hate your DS, but the way that the mood overwhelms you makes it feel that way at the time.

Sending very unmumsnetter hugs x

He's upset and insecure about his sibling?

Make a big fuss of him. Indulge him by letting him in your bed. Be close to him. He's very wobbly just now.

I agree this is very difficult to read.
I usually have huge sympathy for stressed parents and recognise how difficult parenting is sometimes.
You sound very angry towards him though. You are taking his behaviour personally. A 2 year old "not trying hard enough" with his food? Really? Poor little guy, he has a new sibling and a mum who tells him she hates him because he is being a normal 2 year old.
I think you need to sort yourself out. Maybe you have PND, maybe you are sleep-deprived. Either way your son deserves a mother who can let him be normal child who isn't perfect.

I am so sad on behalf of your little boy. Toddlers are frustrating but take a deep breath and walk away if you have to. Why the slamming/throwing/shouting where he can see you do it?? And using the word hate is just so so not on.
You need to speak to your dr or hv asap to get some extra support because i think you know yourself that this is not acceptable behaviour towards your son and needs to stop.

Yeah, your expectations of him sound far too high. He sounds totally normal.

I can understand getting angry sometimes, but you can't give into it. It becomes a vicious circle, and will make his behaviour worse. You need to practise a mental switch, that you flip when he is being challenging and allows you to take the power out of his actions. So he is eating his lunch? Feeling angry? Flip that mental switch and start being silly, giving his teddy lunch instead, singing a made up song about lunch, getting up and pretending to be a horse trying to eat his lunch. Just do something to make you both laugh and to jolt the situation away from anger.

Also use time outs. If ds does something wrong, then calmly put him somewhere safe , calmly tell him why and then leave and calm yourself down.

Good luck

Yes you are right everybody; I am ashamed, but I think I knew it when I posted. It was only yesterday I did these things and I've never done it before, normally I do get silly and things but I just lost it.

I could be pre-menstrual at the moment; I've always been one for taking ages to lose my temper but really badly losing it when it's gone. And it doesn't mesh well with toddlerhood really, as having buttons persistently pushed is one of the things that eats away at my fuse.

I'll talk to HV; I don't feel that I have PND in the classic way but it can manifest weirdly she said, so maybe I do. Sleep isn't an issue really as DD very well-behaved and FF; only DS messes with us at night. I do feel sometimes like I have to keep going all the time and don't get vast amounts of support around the home from DH.

Thanks for the support. I will tell myself what I am doing to DS everytime I come close to behaving like that again.

Oh yes just checked; period due in 3 days. Should maybe get pills for this period of cycle. Just spent 5 minutes sobbing after reading your comments and thinking I've irretrievably damaged DS, so a bit hormonal.

Agree with everyone else.

Also, why the big deal over mealtimes? Is there a reason that you get so angry over food issues? Just because, if it was me - I would have put the lunch down in front of Mr Tumble . . . anything for an easy life, especially with a 4 month old too!

I found there were techniques that helped me switch off during meltdowns and that in its turn helped with my anger. The going into the kitchen to make a cup of tea is a classic. Turning on music loudly and singing along to it can help. When we were out and about I used to stare into the middle distance and listen to music in my head iyswim. Whistling can be helpful too. Anything basically that distracted my brain and mouth away from my anger before it built up to a point that I couldn't handle. Anything that helped me to retreat into a private little space of my own was good.

But I think you are right in deciding to see the HV. You do sound very overwhelmed and it is worth taking seriously.

Countess - just because I don't want him to rule me. I am always a bit touchy about meals; probably because I like food and make an effort to make nice things for him.

I spoke to the HV though and she reiterated - pick your battles. It won't matter if he goes down hungry. I need perspective sometimes!

Please don't beat yourself up about it. Look, you posted on here for gawd's sake, so that shows you do care and you know it's not something you're proud of, but I can bet there are thousands of mums who do this every day and don't think it's abnormal. Clearly, you want to find ways of coping with these overwhelming feelings and there is some really good advice here.

Does he like stickers? Some positive reinforcement and reward for good behaviour might just help things a bit. It doesn't always have the desired effect with ds (2.5) but it does become a mantra for me if I feel like I want to shout at him "If you eat two mouthfuls of your lunch, you can have a sticker for being a good boy" repeat ad infinitum!

I know that this seems light hearted compared to the rest of the great advice that you've been given here, but I find when my 2 are really testing my patience just going into a far away room and screaming or swearing really relieves the temper induced pressure in my head!

My kids (and probably neighbours!) think I'm bonkers but I'd rather scream at an empty room than at them!

Your language worries me eg 'makes him noticeably more crap' .You can tell him anything you like at end of the day but actions speak louder than words. You do need to look at this seriously and as YOU say get a grip- he will never be 2 again.....
Never say you hate your son- he did not choose to be born- you presumably chose to have him. It is not his problem if your DH does nothing to help at home dont make him suffer for it.
I'll be consttructive: a tip- things that are inevitable and likely to be a 'flash point' eg TV off for food time- give a warning. "your dinner will be ready in 20 mins - so need to switch off at end of this program" you will obviously need to do it for him if he is 2!!. Then they have tine to recover from the melt down before facing them with food. Sam with going home from somewhere nice- we are leaving in 10 mins- enjoy yourself as theres not long left. When the sad bit comes theyre over it already. I still do it now with my 12 yr old!!!

If meal times make you 'touchy' - and tbh this sounds a hell of a lot worse than being touchy - because of the effort you've put in, then for god's sake stop making so much effort. Fish fingers and a calm mother would be so much better for him than a lovingly prepared meal and the behaviour you describe.

If you're into books then try Toddler Taming by Christopher Green. It tells you what is normal and what isn't, how to head off tantrums and what to when you're going to snap. I found it very useful.

I would definitely think about seeing your GP because that kind of meltdown is exactly what I had when I had PND after DS was born. Anti-depressants helped, as did working out what my triggers were (household tasks not being done, being late) so that I could minimise chances of getting myself wound up.

What an honest post! There are very few people who would admit to the feelings you describe and you can see what the majority of folk think - get help! I have to agree with them. You are in a tough spot with lots to do and it would help to get some perspective by talking to someone. On the food front - Your DS either has no idea how much effort you make over food so can't possibly be grateful for the beautiful home cooked food you probably give him or he does sense how emotionally loaded each meal is and so does what all toddlers do - uses it against you!!! Either way I would make it a priority to stop investing energy/self esteem into meals and hopefully that will take away the anger you feel if he rejects food. On a grown up level I have tried to stop caring if the house is tidy because my other half doesn't notice or care about it and nothing I could do would change it. I'm way less resentful and a lot less tidy!

I agree with the other posters that the level of anger you are describing is not normal. If your youngest is only 4months then your hormone levels are probably out of kilter, and if not PND, then very like extreme PMS.

I have to admit I have had a PMS problem in the past and the anger would come from nowhere and go from zero to 10 in a nanosecond. It was truly awful. Maybe the GP can help.

I've been meaning to come back to this all day but have only just managed to get my hands on the laptop! OP you haven't damaged him irrepairably (sp sorry). One or two episodes like this will be forgotten. But it's realy important to get some help to identify the triggers that will stop this happening again. Like you said, you need some perspective. But, this kind of meltdown is more than being a bit exasperated with your toddler and it needs more than just telling yourself to "pick your battles"!

I hope you get the help you need and start to feel a bit more positive about things soon. Also, have a chat with your DP to explain that you need a bit more help right now (and from now on) .

emmacate - I feel so bad for you. don't let everyone make you feel so awful. I know what it's like to "hate" your toddler (for a time) and I've wanted to throw things around the room, believe me. You are not abnormal IMHO. Those kids are so utterly frustrating. Especially with meals - I have a picky kid who OMG drives me nuts. But please listen to their advice about getting help - tell your GP you want counselling or medication - because these things you need to do to release that hatred shouldn't happen in RL. You can think them but don't ever tell your kid you hate them or throw things around, just because it will teach them to do that. There are other ways for you. The meds or counselling can really calm you. Please give it a try. You can always come to vent here - I do. x

Your ds is acting like a two year old, and so are you.

About food - don't put a lot of effort into a two year old's food, don't expect them to eat a lot (a lot of toddlers don't eat much and parents often have unrealistic expectations of how much they will eat), and don't feel like it is your responsibility to make them eat. My dcs have both been fussy eaters. I give them their food, usually try to make sure it is palatable for them (but not always), if they don't want it, I just take it away.

I hope you will pursue this with your GP; I feel a bit with your HV for just saying you need to pick your battles! (Were you totally upfront with her about the depths of your frustration?) I think you need some help, I really do. It isn't fair to your DS, and it isn't fair to yourself - you ought to be able to enjoy this time in his life, rather than struggling with these feelings which I imagine must be quite painful for you.

Do you get much support from your DH, do you have family around to help out, do you get any time to yourself?

I think we all feel frustrated with our little ones sometimes (although I agree that if this is more than a one off then getting some outside advice would be a good idea).

That said, there might be some quick fixes which could help in the meantime - just a few things that have worked for me and might b worht a try.....

For me, the biggest lesson with my DS (also 2) has been to give him lots of notice. If I was watching my favourite programme on TV and my other half came in and turned if off because dinner was ready, I'd be pretty peeved to say the least - and wouldn't be in the best frame of mind to eat, so giving 10, 5, and 2 minute warnings might work.

Also, wih that in mind, what's the worst that could happen if you waited until the end of Mr Tumble? Lunch slightly colder, but happier toddler?

I've also found asking my DS to turn the telly off himself seems to help - he gets the responsibility (and if I then threaten to do it instead of him he runs over and turns it off himself before I can get there!)

Have you thought that sitting down together to eat might also help? Less temptation to get cross - but let him eat at his own pace - they do take ages, but they've only got little mouths and tummies....

I hope you take these tips in the way they're intended - not at all preachy - we've all been there and torn our hair out or snapped too quickly - and I think it's well worth getting some more help - but please don't beat yourself up, or judge yourself against impossible standards.

GOod luck x