Love/hate relationship with my 2yo DS... how to cope with the hate

[EmmaCate]

I love my DS very much. However recently he's become really whingey and tantrummy. My anger is getting the better of me and he's possibly feeding off it/ becoming insecure, which is making things worse.

Today he had a meltdown when I told him it was lunchtime and he wanted to continue watching Mr Tumble. Hysterics and batting away the food without trying. I walked away and said something like 'Yeah whatever.... I HATE you.' Last bit was screamed at him. I did eventually manage to get him to eat his lunch without capitulating though, and apologised for what I'd said.

This evening, picking at dinner without properly trying. Didn't shout at him but my anger was right back up again and I had to dissipate by doing following: smacking work top in kitchen; walking into sitting room and screaming; picking up books that I had been entertaining DS with while he ate and hurling them into sitting room; picking up his sippy cup and hitting it against kitchen table then twice on work top.

He's just woken up at 00.30 (this time or 04.50 seem to be witching hours with regards this). Asked him what's wrong. Gave drink, changed nappy. Said we wanted to sleep in our room tonight (we have made rod by allowing him into our bed lots recently; DH goes in spare) and told him we'd be putting him back in his cot. Meltdown as we approached cot. DH says will take him in other room; I say to DH sarcastically in earshot of DS 'I've a good mind to shut him in a wardrobe to sleep, then we'll see how he feels about his bloody cot.'

DS just turned 2; we are about to move him to a big bed. I am SAHM also with DD 4 months. He might be getting a molar up top and I have found this makes him noticeably more crap behaviour-wise; I just want someone to tell me to get a grip and/or say I'm not alone in feeling this. When I put DS down to sleep (easily done, bizarrely) I often say sorry if I've been cross in the day and I will tell him I love him lots. When he's not being contrary we laugh lots together; I just take things personally sometimes.

Sorry for massive post...

Thanks again everyone. No need to get angry at my HV; she's nice and a lot better than others I've known. I don't think I went into the minutiae with her and the 'pick your battles' comment was after a load of other suggestions as a 'last perspective'.

And also don't worry too much about me; most days we have good fun together and enjoy each other; I'm not 'missing out' IMO. I just lost it this one day. I have a GP appt booked now and HV is going to follow up afterwards.

I do have family around who are great. DH is pretty good with direction but I feel like I'm continually holding household together and that can be tiring. This episode came after weekend when I'd made a big meal for guests on Sunday then DH came down with bug I'd had to battle through tail end of last week, leaving me with everything to tidy on Sunday eve. Then DS in bed Sunday night, fidgeting like anything so didn't sleep well. I think that made me feel a bit wired mentally. We have had a lot of change recently too; moved house week before DD was born etc.

Thanks again tho for all the support.

You have my sympathies OP. I've just been through a similar phase with DD's behaviour. She's 2.4 and awaiting the impending arrival of DD2 (I'm 37 weeks) so I'm also suffering with tiredness and hormones and she's sensing upheaval. We seem to have turned a corner and this is what's worked for me:-

1. Staying calm (easier said than done I know) but my anger and frustration DEFINITELY escalates hers. The tactics below help me manage that.
2. Choose your battles. I only persist with a point if it's really necessary (dangerous/time deadline usually). Whatever irritating harmless behaviour she's doing almost always gets boring to her after less than 5 min anyway!
3. If she's ignoring my requests/instructions or a tantrum ensues and I can feel myself getting wound up I walk away (obv. assuming she's safe) and do something else, a bit of tidying usually. With no attention she usually quits and comes to find me pretty quickly.
4. I over praise all good behaviour and if she starts to play up I say "you've been such a good girl today, are you going to be a good girl and ". This works really well and I've no idea why!
5. I try to avoid her getting too hungry/tired so stick to the routine as much as possible.
6. I try to involve her in what I'm doing, she loves to "help" - even if that's mixing up my clean and dirty washing or taking one bite out of all my carrots I'm peeling - giving myself extra time to do my jobs so I can undo her "help" keeps the stress down.

It's admirable that you've recognised you're going wrong and are seeking advice, don't feel too beaten up by some of the responses on here. I've been amazed how quickly DD has changed from multiple tantrums, biting and wanton damage of things to being mostly good and compliant (a matter of days) so don't waste time worrying about what you've said and done in the past and focus on making some changes.