Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My 3yo boys tantrums dominate the whole family

30 replies

DonnyLass · 26/02/2012 22:30

So sad and stressed out about my little lad who becomes incandescent about the most unpredictable things. I know it is about control and boundaries etc but he seems to literally be yelling most of the day. He has strange determinations like we have to stand next to him, says he "wants it changed" when told off, wont accept any kind of discipline and steadfastly refuses to say sorry. His teachers say he isn't like this at school but we are all exhausted by him. Any thoughts / advice please ...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Gumby · 26/02/2012 22:33

He's just being a 3 year old
They're all like that
Just distract him, give him lots of cuddles

SittingBull · 26/02/2012 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DonnyLass · 26/02/2012 22:38

His older sister wasn't. Infact she could be distracted like you suggest on the handful of times she tantrumed. But he is impossible to get out of it. He has gone for 90mins screeching full on many times. Do I just let him have his way and say go back to where he wants or do I insist on the full on naughty step time out etc and have hell for an hour with ultimately all of us ending up stressed and sad?

OP posts:

SittingBull · 26/02/2012 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DonnyLass · 26/02/2012 22:45

Well he kicks off unpredictably. Today for example he was furious about not waving goodbye enough to his gran. After explaining and reasoning he started screeching and that went on for an hour. We tried talking, asking him not to screech, telling him nit to screech, ignoring him etc. Eventually he fell asleep. Other times we have tried removing toys etc. He has had a smack bottom (only twice) sent to bed etc. Nothing works. He will yell, want the telling off "changed", want his sorry "taken back". We are all exhausted. Just so fed up of battles and walking on eggshells -- ESP for his older sister who behaves really well and just misses out on time with us exile we are dealing with him.

OP posts:

nooka · 26/02/2012 22:50

My ds threw the most incredible tantrums when little. The best approach we found was to ignore him as much as possible and then talk to him once he calmed down. Mostly though we just had to wait until he grew out of them. However he was just as bad at nursery and then school, in fact school were convinced for a while that he was on the autistic spectrum (he is dyslexic). My dd was very different too.

Original poster

DonnyLass · 26/02/2012 22:51

He has been like this for about 2 months now. He is 3y 3mo. He is a very bright boy, highly articulate and the health visitor estimated he was about 2y ahead intellectually. I appreciate it is about boundaries and his frustration but I cant let his anger dominate. Or should I just try and be more tolerant and accept this is a phase? Just some techniques to cut the screeching fits down would be a great start!

OP posts:

Original poster

DonnyLass · 26/02/2012 22:58

He seems very sensitive to the physical environment. If I gently nudge him out of the way or to get a shake on for example he will go wild shouting that I have pushed him. He will also misinterprete an affectionate pat on the head etc as an infringement. We are a happy bunch most of the time ... Much affection, play and activity and he is very secure with lots of time with grandparents too. He is also very loving, talkative and funny ... But has huge mood swings which then run into the furies. And he has staying power when enraged so it is so disheartening.

OP posts:

ellee · 27/02/2012 14:05

Have to say, I have a 2.5 yo who is a bit prone to terrible meltdowns as well. I take the view that there are other people in the house, me dh and dd, and that he cannot inflict his screeching on us if there is no good reason, so I put him out into the hall and tell him he can come back when he is calm. The door out into the hall has glass in it so can still keep an eye on him.

It's surprisingly effective but mightn't work for everyone. Our ds stays there, has a good screech and then comes back in.

He had obvious triggers too btw, nappies, being told no tv, his sister touching his train etc and distraction can work quite well and we try that first. If we're going to do something that I think he will not want to do we start talking about it and tell him 5m, 4m etc and often that deflects a tantrum too. Saw that on supernanny!

I don't know if any of that will help, so much depends on the temperament of your own child and you know him best of course. Ours is a bit of a diva but does respond to those methods.

Dandare · 27/02/2012 17:20

Same here - time out (if need be with the door closed) til it stops then talk of what went on. It is tiring but I wouldn't give in particularly after a long bout as chances are he will then learn that perseverance on his part works!!

jshm2 · 27/02/2012 19:30

Child "meltdowns" are usually down to frustration or insecurity. If the child is in an unstable household or feels he has to "fight and shout" to be heard then it builds up the frustration causing outbusts.

If your saying he's "stable" at school then in that preplanned environment he feels more at ease. You need to bring some of that into his household life so that he can gradually lose whatever insecurities he feels he has.

wafflingworrier · 27/02/2012 19:40

aaah i don't have any advice but i just wanted to say i hope things get easier for you- it sounds really tough. i am sure you are doing a great job donnylass

LaLoose · 27/02/2012 20:40

I've never been remotely controversial on this board before but, going through myself right now what the OP is going through, I think jshm2's comment is unhelpful and perhaps ignored. She is implying that it's because of an unstable household or because no-one listens to him. I am quite sure that's not true. jshm2, you're just lucky you haven't had one of these, as OP and I both have. Read the behaviour and development board on 3-year-olds... Good luck OP x

LaLoose · 27/02/2012 20:41

perhaps BEST ignored. D'oh...

fannybaws · 27/02/2012 20:42

Sympathies to you, I have a three year old who has just stopped these types of moments!
No advice really but has your ds got any problems with his ears/ throat?
Mine has improved massively since having his tonsils adenoids removed, he was a very restless sleeper prior to the op as well as being sore a lot of the time.
I used to mutter to myself a lot about it being just a stage :)
Good luck.

Mabelface · 27/02/2012 20:44

I remember the days of stepping over a screeching 3 year old. I ignored the tantrums as much as I possibly could. Remember to praise him when he's being well behaved too.

Tgger · 27/02/2012 20:47

Just wanted to say he sounds quite normal, it's just then handling of it that is exhausting, and then just about when you've sussed how to handle it it will have gone (hopefully! ). This was certainly the case with our DS who threw big wobblies as a 3/4 year old. Is now a very pleasant and non tantrumming 5 year old (phew!).

It's hard, but try not to give his outbursts too much attention. He needs to learn that that behaviour doesn't work. Not that he's being manipulative, he clearly isn't in control, but he will still learn what and what doesn't give him attention. So, I would do the go to your room and calm down approach (or similar)- easiest to remove screecher from everyone else's space, and definitely don't talk about it. When he has calmed down a very brief explanation and then move on.

Don't walk on eggshells. Have clear, strict boundaries and stick to them. Also, is he tired? My DD is same age and generally lovely, but when she's tired she turns into a monster in the way you describe, pushing boundaries, wanting complete control etc etc. We try to put her down for a nap at the weekend and this really helps. hang in there!

appreciateit · 27/02/2012 20:54

This could be me writing this. I do understand completely what you are saying.
You are probably like us. They are not tired. We have boundaries, no means no, we dont shout, we dont let her rule the house, we ignore.....

We have seen health visiters galore and were at the end of our tether until now. Horray we have help. We are now under cahms and are being taken seriously. We had our first session and start properly this week. I am happy to chat about this is you inbox me. ;)

appreciateit · 27/02/2012 20:55

p.s not sure if being bright is something to think about in all of this as my 3 year old seems to be really bright although the meltdowns are not always ones we understand

Doubletroublemummy2 · 27/02/2012 23:35

I would say at 3yrs old they are old enough to know this is not acceptable behaviour and should have a concequence rather than a distraction. When my girls start screaming we by pass the naughty step and they calmly (as possible)get sent to their room and can come out when they are finished. have used it 3/4 times. when they are done I explain that I understand they didn't like what happened but sometimes things happen we don't like and we do not go around screaming and shouting about it. The sooner you put your foot down that it's not acceptable the sooner you will be able to knock it on the head

Doubletroublemummy2 · 27/02/2012 23:37

I agree with Laloose

Original poster

DonnyLass · 28/02/2012 00:23

Thank you. Lots of reassuring advice here. And it does help to know others experience the same. His environment is stable -- but I think there might be something in the suggestion to listen more as he states this quite frequently! I think it is 'normal' and we have yet to find the ways for us all to cope and to help him to cope. It is a shock because it is so contrasting to his older sister. It might well be worth checking the throat and ears because he has always been 'chesty' and overheats quickly which impacts on his sleep.

Much helpful stuff. Thanks. Any more tips and empathy ... I am all ears!

OP posts:

nooka · 28/02/2012 05:52

Not sure how you send a child who has lost it to his room calmly! I tried the toddler taming put them in their room and hold the door shut approach, and it resulted in crazy door holding fights! Not very effective. I think what works is very dependent on the child, and lots of us just muddle through. Either we eventually find an approach that works, or really just tolerate the tantrumming until they grow out of it. Either way OP you are not alone!

Flubba · 28/02/2012 06:15

Rather than send the child to another room, you can always remove yourself from the room he is in (I know this can be a bit ridiculous, when five of you are upping and moving to another room to leave a 3yr old behind), but the "ignoring until you're nice/calm" approach has worked best for us, and in fact is easier with more people in the house as it's more obvious to them (the tantrumming (sp?) child) that they're missing out.

SurroundedByPlasticCrap · 28/02/2012 06:38

I'm afraid I have no advice, but totally sympathy. Mine is 2.6yo and has just started the most almighty tantrums I have ever seen. I honestly can't imagine living like this for the next year, my parents say they can't handle him and my dh is making every excuse not to be around.

Older dd, was never this bad, had a small tantrum stage, but could be distracted or learned from time out etc...

Flip

1 2