My 3yo boys tantrums dominate the whole family

[DonnyLass]

So sad and stressed out about my little lad who becomes incandescent about the most unpredictable things. I know it is about control and boundaries etc but he seems to literally be yelling most of the day. He has strange determinations like we have to stand next to him, says he "wants it changed" when told off, wont accept any kind of discipline and steadfastly refuses to say sorry. His teachers say he isn't like this at school but we are all exhausted by him. Any thoughts / advice please ...

I would agree with flubba, at least that is what works with dd who is the same age as your ds. We had tried all sorts but now when she starts screaming about something we try to totally ignore and leave the room, not in a critical way and we now don't even acknowledge the screaming, we just all go and get on with something else, works a treat! Also the waving goodbye thing, there was a thread recently about just that which struck a chord with me as it has been an issue recently for dd, getting very upset if she feels she hasn't said a proper goodbye. A tip we have used from the How to listen to kids book is to acknowledge their sad/angry feelings with them rather than try to reason or explain, again this seems to work with dd sometimes. Also though he sounds very bright his impulse control is still that of a three year old i.e non exsistent!

I thought jshm2's post was very wrong too.

Children will often express powerlessness they feel at school at home where they feel safer and loved, for example. My DD, who is very well behaved, brigs home words and behaviour that have frightened her at school and acts them out at home. She's very easy-going at school; less so at home.

MY 20 month old DS however, tantrums like DD never did, which is why I looked at this thread. He throws himself about and lashes out. He is just a different child. ATM I find ignoring it (by which I mean walking away to another room) ends it quickest plus naughty step for hitting or biting. I personally don't think naughty step is useful for older children as they learn to play it so quickly.

Good luck OP. You're not the only one by far.

Dd had complete meltdowns and so did I at that age. Not so much to do with not being heard as with being unable to accept that other people occasionally have a right to be heard to. It wore off with increasing maturity.

What worked for both my mother and myself was staying calm and disengaging ourselves, never giving way to a tantrum but not punishing it either. My mum used to put me in a tantrum place and I stayed there, but it didn't work with dd because she wouldn't stay and it would just endlessly prolong the struggle. I let her tantrum wherever she was and restrained her if there was any risk of damage to people or property (she used to bite and kick so had to be held firmly).

Sorry but ' the sooner you out your foot down' has made me a little cross ;(
My foot is firmly down, i am no pushover. (said in a friendly way as i know you mean no offence)

If only if were that simple to remove them from the room or yourself.
What do you do when you remove yourself from the room and they hurt themselves or throw things around trashing the place.

Not always as easy but as i say i have help now so hopefully will have some more tactics ;)

I go with the ignore and remove! I had a sensitive tantrummer and would give him a countdown to stop and then remove to lobby saying come back when you've finished. It got to the point he would go there of his own accord when he started! As others have said there are others in the house to consider and you should definitely not be walking on eggshells, child does not want or need so much power.