How long do you consider it is ok to leave your 3 year old? Is 2.5 weeks too long?

[PJ79]

Help I need advice! My DS will be 3 next July, and I have been asked for work to go on a trip 2.5 weeks long that July. DS would be home with DH who also works full time as do I, (and doting Nannie possibly would help look after him too). Will this cause abandonment issues?
I haven't left him for more than 1 night until this weekend, when we left him with Nannie for 2 nights.
How long is okay? I am sure I will miss him like crazy but will he be affected long term - I am struggling with full time work and responsibilities and mummy responsibilities. Any advice or thoughts gratefully received... Thank you

I am sure he will be fine if left with his dad. Of course he will miss you - and you him - but you can keep in touch with phone calls and skype and you could even write him letters. He will be with a parent and I assume in something like his normal childcare routine? You will be parenting (go willing) life long. There will be times when work and being a mum seem to go in different directions but the trick is to think of ways to make it work, not dwell on how it can't possibly work. Missing people when they are away is part of growing up. We all have to manage our feelings around that whether we're three or 33. Being a good parent is not about making verything super lovely for you ds and sparing him any sort of sadness. That's impossible. It's about proving him with security - which you do and will do in this case - and it's about helping him deal with difficult stuff when it comes up.
At the end of 2.5 weeks you will come home - think how brilliant that will be!

Tssk that should be 'God willing' - what the heck does go wiling mean?

make sure you get skype set up, so he can see you and talk to you while you're away

that's an excellent post from NorthernLurker

When I saw your thread title I assumed you meant both parents leaving- in which case I'd say maybe two weeks but only with very close family. But if he will be with his Dad, I would think he will be absolutely fine.

I'd find it hard leaving my 3 year-old for that long, but I'd do it if it was for something important, and I think I would miss her more than she would miss me.

My father regularly did work trips for that sort of length of time. It was just how things were, and he brought home excellent presents . I don't think as children we even spoke to him when he was away, but we always put messages in his socks (he always took clean socks for each day) and I don't remember being in any way upset writing them. I still love him dearly to this day :)

So long as your ds's routine doesn't change too radically I am sure he will be fine. You will probably miss him very much though!

I'd agree that you will probably miss him more than he misses you and not to worry about it too much. Just keep in contact with him regularly while you're away, oh, and have fun! :)

my DP travels for work, so has been away for 2 or 3 week stretches 4 times since our DS was born (now 2.4), we use Skype and it has been brilliant for keeping the 2 of them 'connected' whilst actually being a plane journey apart! My DS likes to run to the computer at a set time every day and screeches Daaaddy at the screen, then sits there mesmerised as daddy tells him a story or jumps about making him laugh. Very useful tool - so he does miss him and is really pleased when he gets back, but at least he can see and hear him regularly. I keep him busy with a schedule of playgroups with me and keep to his routines, so things don't get too upset. When DP gets back they always have a couple of days where I don't exist, but as I usually need a break by that point I don't mind, I go back to bed/have a bath and a glass of wine whilst they're playing cars haha :) don't worry too much, have fun.

Well fathers regularly have to go away for work - think of service families for instance. Obviously if you are normally the full-time carer then your ds may feel it the keenest but from what you've said, you also work full-time so I'm assuming that your ds sees equal amounts of both of you.

You will miss him probably more than he misses you. I would perhaps arrange for a couple of really nice days out for him to look forward to. Perhaps he can have a long weekend with Gran? And do make sure that you Skype him if you can, before bedtime as you can use that time to read him a bedtime story and feel more involved in his daily routine.

When you speak to him about it, use lots of positive words as they can pick up on your anxiety. So tell him what fun he is going to have and how you are going to get him a lovely present when you get back.

He'll be absolutely fine!

Thank you for your replies everyone - DH is still very anxious about being left alone with DS (he has been ever since DS was born) so I end up feeling like I shouldn't leave them at all....not even for a couple of hours!

If your dh lacks confidence, this might be just what he needs, time to really get to know and bond with his ds. I think you'll probably need to start leaving the two of them together for a few hours at a time over the next couple of months to get your dh comfortable with the idea, get him to do the bedtime routine on his own etc and perhaps line up some ideas for support when you are away, especially for the weekends. I'm sure the prospect is a bit scary, but I think it might really be good for them both. My dh had to go part time when my dd was 3ish and she really enjoyed her 'daddy days' I'm sure that your dh and ds will build some great memories too.

I wouldn't go if you have any sort of say in the matter. My dh goes away for a week and it feels really long.

I agree with nooka, often the father can feel a little pushed out when children arrive as we, as mothers, sometimes tend to take full control. This could be a great opportunity for him to learn hands-on parenting and forge a special bond with his son. Then when you come back you'll find that he's taken over some of the jobs you used to do and you might even find that he does them better!

Yes it's tough when one parent goes away for any length of time and I am certain your son would miss you. But for some parents it's not anything they can help and their children don't grow up needing therapy because of it. Just make sure it doesn't happen too often.

i have been leaving my ds (2.5) with his grandparents for long weekends (once a month) since i stopped breastfeeding. i have also been hospitalised for 2 weeks when they looked after him. he has a great relationship with them which is what we wanted and planned before he was born, he is a very confident toddler who is un fazed by new places. he found the two weeks i was in hospital a bit challenging but he was only 18 months then...

my advice would be if you are planning this in july, do some dummy runs for the odd night building up to a weekend, because I think if you just go away for two weeks he will find in quite difficult and become anxious. I should just add I am a SAHM whose DP works away a lot so i have a very close relationship with my DS and this is not fazed by his trips to his grandparents, i think it is wholly possible and reasonable for children to spend short spells away from their parents very successfully....

needs must.
DH did a 3-week work trip when dd1 was 9mo. she was a bit shy around him for a couple of days on his return but then all was back to normal. i think it would be easier for a 3 yo who could skype you while you're away.

re your DH - i was nervous about being left with dd1 for 3 weeks, especially as we had no family around. I did book a few days off work in that time, and dd1 went to nursery as normally, so I got a few good breaks while he was away. Could your DH do the same?

I didn't see my twins 2,6 for 6 weeks recently and they were fine.
The first five minutes when they first saw me they were quite and a bit shy but after that they were back to normal.
They had there dad and grandparents looking after them while I was in hospital so lots of love and cuddles.

My DH has spent a lot of time away from the children, whereas the max I have been away is I think about 5 days (last summer when they were 4 and 6). He will be fine - but the prep suggested by others is a good idea. Also be prepared for some stroppiness. When children were 3 and 5 DH was away for 9 months (one week home during that period). We did skype, but the children weren't really into it. Once one of them said, "I don't want to do that, I just want a Daddy cuddle." It was hard, but they picked up where they left off....

I do think 2.5 weeks is too long and I would ask work for a shorter trip. I think that is a very long time for a 3 yr old and I would be concerned that he would not fully comprehend why you are leaving. Not in the majority here but that's my opinion.

Thanks everyone for the posts one issue is that the trip is to the jungles of Ecuador and I don't think Skype will be an option (satellite phone only). I suppose the another issue is that when an absence is due to hospitalisation you don't have any choice but, a work trip which (in theory!) you can say no to is another matter...

I don't have personal experience but there are plenty of occupations where people go away for weeks or even months eg offshore workers, armed forces, merchant navy, etc.. I have friends whose dads were like that but they all just got used to it. I can't see how a few weeks away will make any long term difference. And it may even be good for DS and DH to spend more time together.

I agree that giving your DH some practice looking after DS before you go without you about will help them both to get used to not being able to rely on you to pick up the pieces :)

PJ79

In a similar situation to you. Will be heading out to Russian Far East in June for 2-3 weeks leaving DD 4.9 and DS 2.1. It's not going to go down well with DD particularly but she'll be in usual school routine and hoping DH will have one whole week off and then grandparents will be able to cover rest of time. We won't be Skyping and very little access to phones so thought i would prepare letters for DD to open maybe one every three days or so. and little gifts that she can find as a surprise. I know they will be fine (being rational) but sometimes only mummy will do for DD so it will be a challenge.

It will not harm them though. Good luck x

Erm. I hate to disagree with you all here. But as someone whose mother regularly went away for a week or more at a time when I was aged between 3 and 6 I would say that it MIGHT harm your DS. It harmed me a lot and I still fail to understand how/why my mum could have done it. I was left with "doting grandparents" too but that did not make up for the fact that I cried myself to sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and spent the entire time longing for my mum to return. I felt totally bewildered and abandonedand when I think about it now I still feel those feelings as clearly and sharply as I did over 30 years ago. Your child is only 3. I still resent my mum for doing this, and as she's dead now I can't even discuss it with her. Please think long and hard about doing this.

I travelled regularly for work when DCs were small. A couple of times I had to be away for a couple of weeks (would normally only be Monday-Friday). The DCs had their routine. On the whole I didnt talk to them while I was away as DH said it was more disruptive than if I didnt (these were pre skype days).

Some things I did find:

• on the day I returned the DCs would greet me with a shrug then if I went to put something in the bin the DCs would greet my return like Lassie come home!
• my DCs have needed hospital A&E treatment on three separate occasions. Each time I have been away on business!

It isnt ideal but if you need to make the trip then do so. Your DH will cope, your DCs will cope, you will cope.

MrsMcEnroe - did your mother go for work or pleasure? Also 'regularly' is different to occasionally. I'm sorry you still feel crap about it though.

PJ79 - I think it will do your DH good, he needs to be able to look after his own child without being anxious. Your 3 year old can tick off the days, it isn't that long. As for Skype, it's good for some kids and not for others, some find the contact makes it more difficult - so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Just promise to bring him back a present and he'll be fine (he wont know or care if it's from the airport!!). Lots of parents are away a lot of the time - it doesn't need to affect your relationship at all.

I think like with most topics discussed here there will be negative and positive stories to be found. Some people wouldn't even entertain the idea of leaving their children for more than a few days, some may do it regularly for whatever reason. I'm sorry your experience was bad Mrs McEnroe. We all need to do what we need to do and that differs between individuals. For the OP you just need to weigh it all up and come to the decision that's right for you. Perhaps see how this trip goes and that will enable you to make a more informed decision for the next one (if there is one).

I feel a bit now - obviously most children are much more emotionally robust than I was!