DS1 is VERY spirited - Normal and how to deal?

[angel1976]

My DS1 is 4 in a few days, he is an absolutely gorgeous boy. We love him to death. His good points are: everyone loves him, he's a real charmer and knows how to make you feel very special (he is physically very affectionate and would give hugs and kisses even if he is meeting you for the first time), he is really willing to try stuff (he will be first up on stage and is not afraid of anything! Even snakes...) and he is very sensitive (we try not to show him any Ice Age trailers, he cries when that 'squirrel' gets hurt). But boy, he can be a right pain and we don't know how we can deal with him without shouting, or threats so if anyone has a similar child, help!

He has to touch everything and cannot sit still, he drives us mad. It's like he has ZERO impulse control. Give him a piece of paper, he will tear it up and then wants another one. He is constantly on the move and will not sit still. If we walk past a wall, he will have to run his fingers/palm on it. If there's a puddle, he will jump in it. If there's sand, he will not only play in it but he will roll in it and bury himself in it. If there are buttons, he will press it and press it and press them till they damn well break. He will knock drinks over, constantly. He has a very short attention span. He's the sort of boy that will fall off the escalator because he cannot stand still on the bloody step. He will not stand still to get his pyjamas on. He constantly asks questions, he talks all day. It's mummy this and mummy that a billion times a day, he can hardly play by himself. God, I feel tired just typing all that!

That is all fine. I think a lot of it is down to personality. He is very spirited, has been since birth (cried nonstop for the first 6 months, I almost went mad!). But there are certain things he does that makes us (me and DH) see red and we just can't see an effective way to deal with it. For example, no matter how much we tell him NOT to do something, he will go ahead and do it. The bath is a constant battle, we tell him not to splash too much in the bath (if we left him to it, the whole bathroom will be soaking wet!). He will do so upsetting his brother (who is 2.3) and tonight, he made his Dad so angry as he spat a mouthful of water onto DH's trousers. He constantly winds his brother up. For example, if they are both in their car seats, he will have one hand on his brother's seatbelt and DS2 will get upset and he will just keep on doing it till DS2 is screaming and I'm screaming at him to stop. :( We went through a park today and it is wet, he got himself soaking wet scootering straight into puddles and all despite us telling him not to.

We use the naughty step with him and it works. We can discipline him and he is sorry afterwards. He was upset today after DH got mad about getting wet and his first question was 'Am I still a good boy?' The battle is to stop him doing it the next time. I feel like my whole life is one long battle trying to get him to stop doing something. I've tried to be less negative and also tried to pick my battles but it is so hard at times. When he behaves, we have really nice days. He can be a very kind boy and also very loving, he constantly tells me all day how much he loves me. DS2 is a different kettle of fish altogether... I'm not sure what I am asking, just if anyone has a child like that and found a particular parenting method that works well. I am sick of me telling him how naughty he is and making threats. I know it's not working particularly well! I want to be a better parent! I was hoping that once he turned 4, things might get better but had a BAD day today... Help! And .

Welcome to the club... Mine is now 12 and is still the same!!!!

Primary school was a bloody nightmare as some teachers just did not get him at all and the ones that did he thrived under. It was and perhaps still is like putting a square peg into a round hole. The door at pick up time was often opened and I just knew I would be called over...

I would say based on my past experience is.. Don't sweat the small stuff, take him to big wide open spaces to run around in and finally keep him as busy as you can

My DD is 6yrs old and is very spirited .

Read ' Raising Your Spirited Child ' - an excellent book . You can buy it on Amazon.

BellaVita You are not supposed to tell me that! You're supposed to tell me it gets easier...

The funny thing is they all love him at the nursery/pre-school. They love the way he is so enthusiastic about everything and he does give the best cuddles (I once saw him hold the hand of his keyworker, stroked it and then held it to his face and then he said 'Barbara, I love you SOOOO much!') . But I always think that he is perfect for nursery/pre-school as they are set up for the kids to do as much activities as possible!

"the ones that did he thrived under" - I so know where you are coming from. I know some of my friends are frankly horrified at his 'disobedience' but those who 'get him' really love him and prefer him over his frankly much better behaved and placid younger sibling.

Trust me - 'don't sweat the small things' is my mantra. I barely broke into a sweat today when he went scootering into the biggest puddles. Even when his brother then followed suit... sigh Is this really my life from now on?

sorry i cant help as my boys havent reached that age yet but your post really struck a chord with me - i have twin boys, 2 years 7 months and one of them sounds EXACTLY like your son already! Boundless, endless energy, very spirited, very charming, affectionate, a brilliant talker, winds up his much calmer twin brother no end, no attention span whatsoever yet. Absolutely will not sit still ever, he is like the duracell bunny and just keeps going all day, doesnt seem to need to sleep either :( i do worry and with twins i compare them, the other calmer one seems more 'normal' and so i am have to admit the though of ADHD has already started entering my head at times, but i realise it is far too early to tell.

I take heart in the fact that he is very like his 10 year old cousin in both looks and personality. He was a nightmare baby and toddler and has turned out to be a really lovely bright 10 year old, he gradually started to settle from about school age (4 / 5) onwards...

NannyPlum I bought 'How to talk so your kids will isten...' Only on chapter 2. While excellent advice so far, I can't say it applies... yet! Too exhausted today to read anymore! Should I buy the spirited child book too? :)

mumsgonemad123 I guess we do have a saving grace - DS1 sleeps pretty damn well! He's out like a light from 7/7.30pm onwards and won't emerge till 7am. Oh yes, duracell bunny is a description for DS1 that comes up often, we just wish he had a bloody off button as well! I honestly, hand on heart, don't think he is anything out of the normal range. If it helps, I was the same as a child (according to my mum). Apparently, they use to have to hold me up to play with light switches when I was little just to feed me my meals! I just wish I could deal with him more effectively, I constantly feel bad as I seem to be saying no to him all day! This is my payback isn't it????

I've got a 'spirited' DD, 3yr 7 mnths. She has been a challenge (to say the least) from birth! She is such a huge personality, like your DS, very charming, never stops talking, very intelligent, cheery, outgoing and sociable. However she has a temper, unbreakable will, unbelievably persistent... I mean she drives me to the point of insanity regularly and you do have some days where you feel like you don't stop shouting and it makes you feel awful.

Like your DS, my DDs preschool love her as far as I can tell but I do worry about when she goes to school. Either it'll be great as she's so sociable or she just won't 'get' the structure.

I have the 'spirited child' book, can't say its helped much but does provide lots of reassurance that you're not the only one! The way they describe kids like ours is that they're 'more' of everything, more energetic, more persistent, more sensitive, more perceptive etc.

Sorry I can't advise much, I feel like you a lot of the time if that's any comfort!

Thanks boobiebrain (love your name, btw!). Yes, it does help that there are other people in my shoes. We took the boys to the cinema this morning, we had lunch, then went to a museum where they had events and then scootered to and from the park. DH and I are so f*ing exhausted tonight we can barely talk to each other... In all honesty, it hasn't been a brilliant day when it comes to DS1's behaviour. Think you might have saved me some money... I just want to be a better mum to him, or wish I have more patience to deal with the constant inane chatter and asking me to do stuff or me trying to stop him from doing stuff. It's plainly exhausting! Thank goodness we have DS2 so I know it's not just our parenting. I always say DS2 is my compensation for DS1. I would have serious doubts about myself as a parent if I only had DS1. :) Did I mention he is also a clown and makes everyone laughs and his 'specialty' seems to be slapstick?!!!

DNephew is like your DS...he does seem to have goe slightly better with age, and probably with DSis and BIL changing their handling of him.

The one thing which made a difference was a tip from a teacher...don't tell him not to do something. For an impulsive child who likes a challenge, a 'DOn't' instruction is almost impossible to adhere to to. So, rather than 'Don't Splash' tell him what you do want him to, and make it sound like a challenge 'I wonder if we can keep the water in the bath tonight, and the floor can stay dry' and 'I wonder who can keep their clothes dry while we scoot round the park'.

Also, DNephew is almost dog like, in that the sooner he has a walk in the morning, the better behaved he'll be. He gets up ay 6.30, and he and BIL take the actual dog for a walk. I'm told that both dog and by run around like mad things all the way round the field . It is very obvious in his behaviour if he's not had that walk.

Perhaps you could rent DS out as a 'weight loss tool' when you need a break

Hi had to post when I read this. My 4 year old ds is exactly the same and has a more placid 2 year old brother. The clowning and slapstick, never sitting or standing still and constant talking. He is quite good at playing on his own tg. I do worry what other people think. Why can other children walk quietly beside their parents while he is rolling around on the floor or getting everyone to laugh at him? The things that work for us are plenty of fresh air and exercise, constantly telling him do what you are told without getting into negotiations, threatening to take away toys or tell his nursery teacher unless he does what he is told, a star chart and black Mark chart. He is much better behaved when taken out without his brother so we have started splitting them up a bit more at the weekend for an easier life for us all. He is v popular at nursery but I do worry about school in sept when he will have to sit still. He is larger than life but can be exhausting but he does keep us entertained!

Angel I have got How To Talk aswell.
It's a good book , but the Raising Your Spirited Child really helps you to understand them. It's a lovely book which I would recommend in addition to How To Talk.

hey
I have done a little training in this area
sounds like he may be a "higher spectrum learner"... its classed as a form of autismn but they like to use autismn as an umbrella term for anyone who learns different to "Normall".. These children tend to be affectionate and emmotionally "in tune"; often reacting to situations (esp tv/books) extremely - they learn mostly by doing, touching, experiencing; and need to "fiddle" to keep attention. My DD is showing signs of this, so I make sure shes always got something to fiddle with, on clothes, favourite teddy etc (she is nearly one). Shes not really old enough to understand, but I always explain what I expect of her before we do anything, and when she starts kicking off about something I will try to distract her, I never give in once I have said NO. I tend to know what willl wind her up so get something prepared (activity; object etc) to take her mind of what she isnt allowed. All the children I worked with before DD helped me, it's just a matter of knowing what their trigger is and accepting it;; then using that to move on to something you want them to do.

a work colleague told me today that i was too strict with DD... then followed that immediatley by saying DD was the best behaved child she knew. DD and I have clear expectations, that dont change! one chance and shes out. Children really need consistency! Dont feel you need to follow a rule book, you know your child, write your own rules (maybe together?!) and just stick to them!

ballstoit I hear you! I go out with my DSs all the time! A friend of mine says I am so good at getting out and doing stuff with my boys (she has two girls who can play all day at home ) but I don't have a choice. I do find DS1's behaviour improves if he has gone out and had a run about to burn off some energy.

lateatnight When my DS1 started pre-school, he wasn't happy at having to sit down for half an hour in the morning so they could take the registry and do some phonics but luckily, he's adapted so yours will too! Bingo at the entertaining bit. He cracks his brother up like you wouldn't believe with his silly faces and antics.

NannyPlum Thanks, I might look into getting the book then.

TSC I think any break from our DCs would be good!

surprisearrival That all rings very true for me. When we were looking at primary schools for him, the first question I ask any parents with experience of the school is 'Are they strict?' He definitely does better with clear boundaries. We have had many battles over discipline but I find that once he understands I am NOT mucking about and I intend to follow through with my threats, he will behave... Till the next time! Also, I find his behaviour is often worse when his grandparents or when there's more people around. It's almost like he wants to play up for the attention...

It can all be so hard to deal with sometimes but thank you all for sharing. I will try and put some of the methods here to use... He is a really lovely boy otherwise! :)

Aha!!! The clown and slapstick comment you made!!! Made me tis just how DS2 is and he has excelled at drama in secondary school.

In nursery the two teachers he had adored him too - funny thing was when DS1 attended the same nursery with the same two teachers they never spoke to me about him (he was and still is quiet) but every day with DS2 they always said lovely things about him. In fact we were in the supermarket once and we bumped into one of the nursery teachers with her husband and she was do gushing and said to her DH "this is the gorgeous boy I always mention to you".

Anyone shows him the slightest bit of interest and he befriends them. On holiday he always seeks out the water sports/activities person and becomes their "mate" for the holiday. He is just so bloody confident at whatever he does - took to "paddle boarding" like a duck to water last year. In fact the little shuttle bus that we used at the hotel, every time we got in it some woman would shout his name and ask if he would be with the instructor the following day so he could help her if she fell off the board . He is going skiing next year with the school, I just know he will be giving the instructor lessons!!!

He did ask me once why he got more telling offs than DS1. The honest answer being that DS1 is just far easier to parent. You say no and to him that is final.

This is my son. He is now 15.
I use to go up to the school each September and explain that he couldn't sit down for long periods and the teacher would raise her eyes and you could see her thinking naughty child with no discipline at home.
I would ho back after a month and things had 'settled' down and she would go in about how wonderful DS is and how I was right. I have always thought that he was hyperactive. Didn't realise he could have been a spirited child.

BellaVita - That definitely sounds like DS1. He is so friendly, we go anywhere and he's first to want to go and help and do stuff. Never mind he can't bloody do it himself! "You say no and to him that is final." And that's DS2! :) Every time I go to nursery, they rave about DS1 and how into everything he is and how DS2 is so different from him and just wants to do one thing... I can so see why DS1 is easier to love even though he is not as 'obedient' as DS2.

This morning was not a good start as DS1 had woke up early and then proceeded to wake DS2 up as he just cannot stop making funny noises. He the proceeded to take off his socks while he was on the toilet even though I told him not to and his feet will be cold and guess what? He complains the next minute his feet are cold. ARGH! I just want to strange that boy sometimes. I know that doesn't sound like a big thing reading back but it's constant things like that ALL day that just wears me down after a while...

ItsallGreektome Glad to see this thread has opened your eyes to what your child could be. I just wouldn't describe DS1 is hyperactive because that suggests some kind of 'disorder' and I honestly don't think it is.

In fact, if you ask me who I would worry more in the future, funnily enough, it would be DS2. I know DS1 will be just fine. The characteristics that drive us mad now will serve him well in the future. It will be DS2 I worry about because he just doesn't have the same confidence and he hangs back a lot. He doesn't like new people, he's scared of EVERYTHING. I just hope DS1 will take care of DS2 when they are adults and hopefully some of that confidence will rub off on DS2...

You have described my DS1!!! I could have written your post word for word. Eceryone else thinks he's fabulous, joker and friends of everyone at school, drives me and DH round the bend!

He is almost 4 and since Xmas we have noticed there are more good days than bad...and that when he gets things wrong, he seems more upset about it and is sorry, whereas before he's just carry on like a whirlwind through the house. I can't wait for him to be old enough to do more sports, for the excercise and the discipline.

We got the toddler taming book - it made me realise he's quite normal, and we needed to approach things differently, as the threats, shouting, star charts ect were not working at all. My HV told be to distract, which i'd tried unsuccesssfully. Instead of saying 'no don't do that' say 'come and have a look at thins over here' 'look at the aeroplane/birds/rain' etc. It works really well.

Good luck! My DS2 is a different character too....

My dd2 is very similar and dd1 is the complete opposite! We had a bad day too yesterday but that's probably down to me - PMS! I read the spirited child - good but like others not that helpful. On a bad day you just want solutions - going out and keeping busy is one of the best suggestions but that's not always easy with the weather as it is today and you dont want to spend too much! We've already been out on the bikes briefly this morning but it's very cold! i'm just wondering what to do this afternoon....

Somebody told me characters like these make good leaders like you say angel.

Im so glad I found this thread! My ds1 is the exact same, He doesnt listen to a word that we say. He has no impulse control and is constantly up to no good, Pushing ds2, pouring out shampoo bottles into bath, will lodge things down the toilet, Climb onto counter and go through presses when im not looking. We do time out which worked to begin but it is now just another game to him!

Life is one big game for ds1, he thinks everything he does is hilarious! he very rarely cries and is a star sleeper but he makes up for it with all his divilish behaviour. He never throws tantrums and never whines but I cant take my eyes off him for a second.

He is also very affectionate with me and says really sweet things like 'this is the best day ever! Thank you so much for taking us here!' etc Most people who meet him, love him, all the mums at the playschool love him and the ladies in the supermarket buy him little sweets etc because he is so chatty and charming but they dont see what he is like at home all day!

I think alot of his behaviour is done to boredom, i try to get out every day but with another ds and a baby (that I mind) it is hard to get out sometimes. When I am playing with him, he is an angel but I obviously cant give him my whole day for playing.

I think it is also an attention thing, he is much easier to manage when he is alone but once ds gets up from nap he is running around again up to no good!

We started a star chart last week and had been working great, he got his 5 stars so yesterday i took him to the shop to get a comic as a treat. He was being great helping me shop and we picked out a comic, next thing he got over excited and ran off while i was paying and pulled about 10 cards off the shelf then ran off down one of the isles! i was mortified and so annoyed i out the comic back. Everyone was laughing at him because he was running around howling laughing and thought it was one big game. i dragged him out of the shop and he didnt even care that he lost his comic...

Im going to library today so going to see if they have that 'spirited child' book.

It is so good to hear of other children like ds because all I see in the playground are sweet, obedient children as im running around after my little monkey!

He is 3.1 by the way, ds2 is 2.2 and is starting to copy everything so i need to get the control back soon.

Soccermon2 I had to laugh when you wrote "Life is one big game for ds1, he thinks everything he does is hilarious! he very rarely cries and is a star sleeper but he makes up for it with all his divilish behaviour. He never throws tantrums and never whines but I cant take my eyes off him for a second."

This exactly describes my DS2, 3.5yrs. I love the fact that he is so even tempered and nothing phases him - when a child rode a bike into the back of him the other day and catapulted him to the ground, he just jumped up laughing where most children would have been in tears!

BUT, during half term last week he managed to completely melt my toaster until it was a mound of white goo on the stove, found him cleaning the toilet with my toothbrush, he got lost at a theme park for long enough for me to get the attendants on their walkie talkies, and when we eventually found him he had no coat or shoes. If I don't grab him on time, he always presses the emergency button in lifts. I once found my lap top with all the keys plucked out of it and just the bare metal showing. Am sure you get the picture.

I never think of him as spirited as he doesn't tantrum or make a fuss about anything really. But behaviour wise, all I can say is that I am glad I like the name I chose for him as I find myself calling it about 200 times a day!

I find him hilarious and so do my family, but I am glad that DS1 and DS3 are a bit calmer as I couldn't cope with 3 like that.

This all sounds VERY like my DD who is nearly 3 and a half, she is a little whirlwind and we love her outgoing behaviour, but she really doesn't know when to stop and always goes too far.

She loves rough play and jumping on people and we are constantly telling her 'no' and that it is not appropriate, she also gets the naughty step and stars on her chart when she is good.

If another child pushed her 9 times out of 10 she would think it was funny/a game and push them back, then guess who ends up crying (she rarely starts these things). She just loves being physical throwing herself around and jumping off things (weird!)

On the plus side we have really encouraged her to play on her own more at home so her focus on that side is really coming on, but add another kid into the mix and it is all rowdyness and attention seeking.

She goes to pre-school two mornings a week and I also have her signed up for two sporty activities during the week and we go to the park ALOT.

She always wants to play with other kids and will run up to them anywhere and try to join in, she can be a bit heavy handed though and will grab/pull them without realising they don't like.

I really get what everyone else is saying about the repeated behaviour, there are so many little annoying things that we disipline DD for and then she STILL does them, drives us batty.

At the same time she is so 'happy-go-lucky' cheerful everyday, sleeps well and always up for trying anything new/going anywhere. Also very loving and full of declarations of love for everyone.

I often hope she will grow out the impulsive stuff as we head towards 4, but from reading everyone elses posts it doesn't seem likely :(

Soccermom2 "He is also very affectionate with me and says really sweet things like 'this is the best day ever! Thank you so much for taking us here!' etc" Yup, that's DS1 to a T. He can be such a sweet little kid, I just wish it was more this side of him than the devilish side! I also have a DS2 who is 2.3 and copying everything big brother does... Sigh You just can't win! :)

Solola Im actually laughing to myself here because last summer ds pulled all the keys off my mils laptop. I spent the whole day copying a video from youtube on how to stick them back on! Thankfully Mil didnt see it and never noticed the difference! He ALWAYS presses the buttons on lifts, when were in soft plays he always comes back without his socks, jumper etc. Sometimes when we have visitors he will leave the room and run back in naked shouting 'Ta-DAAA!!!', last week I went for a wee and got my ass tickled by a barney teddy, today he ran off on me in the supermarket and when i found him he was trying on a jacket!...Its mortifying when i have friends over with their dc because i cant leave ds alone for too long as i know what he will be up to so im constarntly having to check on him [grr]

I really think it is boredom though, I brought ds to dps footy match today and let him run the legs off himself for an hour and he was so good all afternoon (bar the supermarket incidence!)