Please help, extremely worried about disturbed (? not sure) 8 yo who isn't sleeping well, but don't think this is just a sleep problem

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Please help. The background is that I've been working away during the week for the past six months. This comes to an end in 3 weeks time, the 9th Feb. Dh has been coping admirably but understandably, it's affected the children, ds, who's 8 (and not dh's, he's from my first marriage) and, less so, dd, who is 2.

Over Christmas, when I was here for nearly 3 whole weeks without working, ds started waking up at night, which he's never really done before. He doesn't just come for a cuddle, I could live with that and it would be understandable, he shouts and screams at the top of his voice, wakes dd up and calls us names. He sits on the floor and refuses to move if we're downstairs or, last night, he stood outside his room and shouted so loudly he woke dd up. Dh is knackered and pissed off and so am I after the past few nights. (I've been at home because I've been off sick) I've asked ds if there's anything bothering him and he says not, I've asked if anything's wrong at school and he says not, I've asked if there's anything he's not telling me and he says not. He likes his school (although the last 6 months have been odd as he's gone to after school club for the first time but he does like it there), he has plenty of friends, sees his father every other weekend, loves his sister and gets plenty of positive attention from me when I'm here and dh when he's here and in charge.

Just typing this has made me realise it's almost certainly about my being away isn't it? So maybe it'll change once I come back (although there may be a perm job and it will mean relocating about 150 miles if I take it, maybe he's worried about this, we have told him it's a possibility, is this what we've done wrong? Probably.)

We have tried a star chart and it's not working after 2 weeks - I was briefly hopeful but its effects were short lived. ONE night he managed not to wake us when I bribed him with a comic but then he's reverted to waking again. We've threatened taking things away, it doesn't work. Sometimes, at first, he seems half asleep and then I can sometimes get him to go straight back to bed without properly waking but more often he wakes and screams at us. We're at our wits end and dh asked me to post. What can we do? In the middle of the night he is so HORRIBLE, calling us idiots and worse, it is unbearable. We have tried cuddles and gentle encouragement back to bed, we've tried getting cross, what else? Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do? Aplogies for length of post. TIA for all and any words of wisdom or advice.

Agree about the "horrible" child age 8 / 9 comment. DS1 is now nearly 13 and a joy to have around, but I remember thinking that the year when he was 9 was the worst we had ever had. Moody and very up and down, so maybe it is hormones.

Thank you SorenLorenson!
Blu, I wonder, he does say he doesn't know why and he can't always remember all of it. Poor thing, I am feeling so guilty now for shouting and being horrible.

My BF's little girl has night terror and she screams and shouts blue murder at them if they try to touch her or comfort her.

I've just read that night terror link, I wonder.

WWW, if it is night terrors, he probably can't remember you shouting at him.
What about sitting down and making a calendar with him of exactly how much longer you are going to be working away, so that he can actually see a definite end, and tick of a square each day. then he might feel a bit more in control, or at least have some invlvement with the time.
And re-asure him that you will then be home for...how ever long you will be home for.
A calendar would let him see how much time he WILL have with you at w/e etc, too. Perhaps then extend the calendar to show days that you will spend with him maybe one-to-one after this contract finishes. Then he will have a pictorial representation of time with you, and it might not seem so scary?

He will be v pleased to see you when you collect him, anyway.

In all honesty, i suspect that this reaction shows that he has a helathy and alive relationship with his love for you, and is reacting. if he was just 'dead' to it, I would suspect that would be a sign of more serious damage, iyswim. And if he sees that you are aware his needs and acknowledging them, even if you are saying you have to be away another 3 weeks, but that you KNOW he misses you, then that is far, far better parenting than jollying him along and dismissing his worries.

I just looked at the night terror link, too.
Ds doesn't have the sweats etc - unless the terror is a result of him being a bit off colour and feverish (which it often is), and he looks at us as if he does recognise us.

WWW does he remember it in the morning?

Well, I'm not really sure. He says sorry and he seems to remember some of it but actually, come to think of it, last night he took his pyjamas off and def wasn't 'with it' but then he came downstairs with me and I#m absolutely 100% sure he was awake.

WWW, just typed a long reply to you when my blummin' computer decided to shut itself down, grrr!

Anyway, the gist of what I wrote was that your description of ds immediately made me think of night terrors or something along those lines. Is this behaviour confined to night time wakings? If he doesn't do it during the day then I reckon a sleep disturbance is what you're looking at. Poor little lad and poor you, too.

Don't waste time and energy on beating yourself up as to the possible causes. The essence of the thing is to help ds through this period. As well as talking to him have you asked him to write down anything that worries him? Maybe get him to write a wee story about a child in a similar situaion or make up a little game where you all make a list of things that make you happy and sad. You may find some nuggets of info from that.

As a stopgap measure you could try giving ds Rescue Remedy before he goes to bed. I'm fairly sceptical about such things but RR honestly calms me down when I'm having to get on a plane; so it really could help ds, esp if you weave a tale about magic potions that take bad dreams away or somesuch.

Thanks suedonim, are you somewhere exotic now then? I'm beginnng to think it is night terrors now, will ask dh what he thinks later, he's dealt with more of it than I have because I've been away.

Hi ..its worth having a surf for some parental advice on dealing with night terrors. From what I remember from my previous life as a child therapist, if they are night terrors then they often occur within a certain phase of sleep ...if you keep a diary of when he goes to sleep and when he has the terror (if thats what it is) then you may see a pattern. The next stage is to gently wake him up around 1/4 of an hour before he would be likely to have the terror ..then let him go back to sleep. Apparently this does something to the sleep cycle and can reduce incidence. It's important not to wake him during the terror just make sure he cant hurt himself/others ...and don't tell him off or remind him of them in the morning as this can be distressing ...HTH

Thanks aggiepanther. It is usually around the same time I think.

I think you can afford to relax a bit about this - your initial post sounded really panicky, understandably. It sounds like night terrors to me, and they aren't a sign of a profoundly disturbed child as far as I know. They are just a bit like a nightmare. And I'm sure they are FAR more upsetting to you than they are to him. I can imagine thought that if he does't remember (which if they are Night Terrors, he won't) then I imagine that will upset him. It's unnerving to think you are doing things you have no control over and no memory of.

Certainly DS carries on like a happy bunny in the days around night terrors. He has them when a bit poorly, and he had a few in the run up to starting school - about which he was excited.

And boy Blu is one of the least disturbed and unhappy children I have ever come across.

Thanks Aloha, I did feel quite panicky about it this morning. We are all knackered too. I'm going to get him soon and we'll talk about it plus dh will collect dd so I can have a couple of hours alone with ds.

www, I haven't a single shred of constructive advice to add to all the helpful stuff already here, but just wanted to say how sorry I am about all of this. Sometimes our circumstances force us into decisions that we know are not optimal for our families, and we make the very best of the situation. Sending you sympathetic vibes if nothing else.

Ah, I'd just concentrate on having a lovely time together.

WWW - ds2 suffered night terrors (at a younger age than your ds but coincidentally at a time when I wasn't sleeping at home) and it is very difficult to tell if they are actually awake. He used to race around the room, run up and down the stairs etc but in the morning only had a vague recollection of being awake. It's quite possible that that's what's happening to your ds.

Also, I sleepwalk and have been known to hold perfectly lucid conversations and be downright horrible and insulting too - obviously something in the family . And being woken whilst sleepwalking is absolutely terrifying and has reduced me to tears.

Hopefully it will pass soon and you can get back to having peaceful nights.

WWW, we're off to Nigeria to live next week - not sure if that's exotic or not!

I haven't time to read all posts, sorry, but read yours and felt so sorry for you all just had to add something, sorry if all been said before.

His night problems sound a direct result of having had you home for a while and simply not being able to cope with having you go away again. He obviously has a loving step-parent at home but to be completely honest and un PC, that isn't enough for him. He is a child and he needs his mum. that is just how it is. He couldn't be showing you more clearly that he has emotional needs that are not being met.

His worry over a possible future move away from his school and friends will also have heightened his anxiety massively, as he now sees mum gone, and school and friends - I don't think at his age he has the emotional maturity to take on that you would actually not be away if this job happened.

I hope you can work out a practical way to be at home more for him as this is a cry for help. I'd go on long term sick with stress, if you get my meaning......because it won't actually HARM anyone at work if you're not there - but I would say your son is a little boy who is being damaged by the current arrangment. My opinion obviously, not knowing the family.

www. I did immediately think of night terrors as well. The good thing about them is atht he really won't remember anything about his nighttime escapades.

I know this must be so distressing for you, but it is only for another 3 weeks. Three weeks is not an awfully long time out of his life, and tbh neither is 6 months. In a years time he will not remember any of the details. You must not beat yourself up about this. Providing financially for your family as you have done is just as important as being with them physically, especially when you have made such good arrangements for them to be with people who love them, and had been previously used to looking after them, on a daily basis.

Beasmum - I don't think your comments are un PC but I do think they are out of order. You wouldn't dream of saying that Beetys dh, or cods dh were "damaging" their children because they are currently working similar arrangements. Yet because a family dares to have a work/life balance that is outside the cultural norm all the blame for the childrens problems are laid squarely on her shoulders.

Beasmum, I've carried out 5 and a quarter months of a 6 month contract which has a bonus at the end of it (and potentially a perm job) in 2 weeks time. I haven't put up with this over the past months in order to duck out of my obligations now for the sake of what will be 12 working days and 9 more nights away in total. Your comments have upset me but I'll come back later and post more. Thanks Prufrock. No, no-one would say this to a man. And I had absolutely no choice, I had to take this job. Hindsight is wonderful isn't it?

www, my intention wasn't to upset you and I'm sorry if I did. It stood out so clearly from your message that you little boy is not coping with the current arrangment but I do think I was perhaps too forthright in saying he's being 'damaged' - I don;t mean in any permanent way or call social services!! He obviously has a loving family and that counts for alot.

I hope that the new job will ease things for you and mean that you can be there for your son while also not ducking out of working obligations - I think then you'll be meeting your obligations at home and work which will obviously be less stressful for you AND your son.

It's obviously been really tough for you www, but as you say, what choice did you have? I assume not taking the contract could have been fairly disastrous for you as a family. You actually put your family first. Ok, so things have gone a bit pear shaped, but better that it's now when you are not far off from finishing and will be able to all be together again permanently. Things will undoubtedly settle down then.