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Original poster

Suggest a punishment for my ds

37 replies

breadandbutterfly · 18/01/2012 22:57

I am seething. ds (5) was told he was not allowed to do a complex wooden 'kit' he'd been given for xmas, involving putting it together and painting it etc tonight, as it needed supervision and would take a long time. He was upset, had tantrum, given lots of hugs and told we'd do it this weekend. He was told this several times, and my dh (stupidly) put it in his room on a v v high shelf he didn't think he could reach. After lights out, whilst he was supposed to be in bed and his older sisters were getting ready for bed, ds got this out and started making it by himself in the semi-darkness, on the unprotected beige carpet of our rented house, which is now ruined as a result (= several hundred pound likely replacement, as was immaculat)> i am gutted - he so knew he was not allowed to do this.

I have shouted a lot and taken the toy off him and put it in the bin.

What else should I do? This is not a one off in that his behaviour recently has been getting worse in that he increasingly ignores what he's told for his good and everyone else's - he just does what he wants and has major tantrums if denied (like tonight). I think we give into it too much because it's easier than fighting back. Well, not any more. Really had enough. I'm exhausted from work and for what? For money to be thrown down the toilet on the coat of a new bloody carpet. :(

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thisisyesterday · 18/01/2012 22:59

i think the fact that you've binned his toy is punishment enough isn't it?

he's 5! he's been waiting nearly a month to do a great toy, it was there, he thought he'd be able to do it himself....
5 year olds are not renowned for their impulse control.

I know it's ended up really badly this time, but I do think that you have punished him already and you don't need to go handing out more punishments in the morning.

joanofarchitrave · 18/01/2012 23:01

Sorry. A 5-year-old has been waiting three weeks to do something he was given at Christmas? it was then discussed at length, put in his room so that he could see it and he was asked to wait even longer? You've put the toy in the bin?

MORE punishment??? Seriously???

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 18/01/2012 23:03

I'd strip everything back to basics and make him earn everything back, so no tv, no dessert etc - them you can use this as a behaviour reward by returning each privilege when he has been good, this may help with the other behaviours too, maybe get him to write a letter to the landlord, a sort of apology so he knows what he has done and why he is being punished, a kind of cause and effect? Hope that helps, I'd also get in touch with the landlord as they allow for things like this and may be willing to help out - you never know.

X x X

scurryfunge · 18/01/2012 23:03

He doesn't need another punishment. Five year olds burst if not allowed to play with toys they have had for Christmas.

Harecare · 18/01/2012 23:04

He did the wrong thing and the toy was taken away and binned. That's punishment enough. It's not his fault it was within reach. How long was he doing it for before he got caught?
Don't replace the carpet until you leave in case it gets ruined again. It will also serve as a reminder of what he did wrong. Does he feel bad about it? Does he realise the consequence of his actions - carpet ruined = having to pay for it = more work for you = less time to spend doing nice things with him?

usualsuspect · 18/01/2012 23:05

you have punished him enough

thisisyesterday · 18/01/2012 23:07

i know he disobeyed you, and I know he shouldn't have, and I know I am a bit soft, but I feel really sorry for him

he waited so long to do his present, he tried to do it himself cos he couldn;t wait any longer and now his present is in the bin :(
i bet he feels really sad

lurcherlover · 18/01/2012 23:12

I think putting it in his room where he can see it but isn't allowed to play with it for another three days is really harsh TBH. You should have put it somewhere else. He's five - three days is an eternity when you're five. he's been punished enough IMO.

Hope I'm not reading too much into this, but y

Viewofthehills · 18/01/2012 23:14

Worst punishment is that you are so cross with him ( fair enough that you are).
I wouldn't punish him more, but i would make a plan for how you are going to deal with his behaviour in general when you have calmed down.

Make sure you he knows that it is his behaviour you don't like and not him.

lurcherlover · 18/01/2012 23:14

I think putting it in his room where he can see it but isn't allowed to play with it for another three days is really harsh TBH. You should have put it somewhere else. He's five - three days is an eternity when you're five. he's been punished enough IMO.

Hope I'm not reading too much into this, but your post made it sound like you're starting to think of him as a Naughty Child. Try not to, as it quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. He's 5. He's impulsive and lacks self control. He needs firm boundaries of course, but some tolerance too.

Original poster
breadandbutterfly · 18/01/2012 23:16

Re the present, it was only a small one and he got many other far bigger things to play with so frankly this was not a big deal to him - today is the first day he's mentioned it; it's not that he's been begging for it for 3 weeks or anything. The lady off his school bus gave it to him; I didn't even know it was there, as presents 'for later' get put on the top shelf (it's so high I'm surprised he could see it let alone reach it!). I'm just so cross as we had patiently and repeatedly explained that he couldn't do it in his room as it was too messy but said we would do it asap. So I don't think I've been that mean!

Mainly i just want him to 'get' that when we say no we do it for a reason and he needs to do/not do what he's been told. eg 2 days ago he took dd's mobile and threw it on the floor, breaking it. So I have had to get her a new mobile. This behaviour really needs to stop.

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Original poster
breadandbutterfly · 18/01/2012 23:18

thisisyesterday - I hope you're right.

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Original poster
breadandbutterfly · 18/01/2012 23:19

lurchlover - yes, i probably do think of him that way a bit at the moment. just really worn out and really don't need this.

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conorsrockers · 18/01/2012 23:20

I would usually be right up the front of the queue thinking out suitable punishments. But I'm afraid I have to agree on the excited 5 year old, Christmas present - 3 WEEKS!! That really is an eternity. He obviously really wanted to do it :( If I had withheld any of the Lego death stars/spaceships/dojos that the boys had for Christmas it would have been carnage. We lived in a sea of tiny tiny plastic pieces that you can't see with the naked eye for the first two weeks after Crimbo!!! Couldn't Hoover for fear of them being sucked into oblivion. I am sure you are very stressed and busy and it's the last thing on your priority list, but he doesn't get that - it's probably the single most important thing on his and he has no concept of time, ie. We'll do it next weekend - when is next weekend?!?! I can imagine your frustration - but I think there (may be) a bigger picture here ... I'd cut him some slack and tell him you were sorry it took so long to help him with it but he needs to apologise for disobeying you and the mess on the carpet ... ?

winnybella · 18/01/2012 23:23

Awww, go and fish it out of the bin. Poor chap. He's 5. He deserved telling off and taking the toy away, but I wouldn't have binned it if I were you.

thisisyesterday · 18/01/2012 23:26

just cos he hadn't asked about it doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about it.

my kids sometimes ask for somethjing and then it seems like they've forgotten about it so i don't do it, and then a week or more later they'll come to me all forlorn saying "but mummy, you said i could have..."

he's 5. why do you want him to be unhappy?

he did a bad thing, you punished him and threw his present away. there really is no need to punish him further.

thisisyesterday · 18/01/2012 23:27

"i bet he feels really sad"

"thisisyesterday - I hope you're right."

that is actually ever so slightly fucked up. no-one hopes their child is sad ,do they?

mockingjay · 18/01/2012 23:27

YANBU breadandbutterfly. You said no. He's 5, not 2. I wouldn't punish more, but would explain why you were so cross when everyone's calmed down.

On a side note - how DID he get it down if it was so high? If he climbed up the shelves it could be dangerous and they may need to come down.

Original poster
breadandbutterfly · 18/01/2012 23:34

thisisyesterday - badly worded; what i meant was I hope you're right he understands that what he did was wrong and I'm cross rather than caring at all. (Well, not this second, obviously - he's asleep now.)

mockingjay - i have NO idea how he got it down, honestly - it's just below the ceiling (attached to the wall, so he can't pull it down) - i can't reach the stuff up there.

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thisisyesterday · 18/01/2012 23:37

ohhh ok that makes more sense, sorry!
curse of the internet that, taking things the wrong way.

Original poster
breadandbutterfly · 18/01/2012 23:41

Yes, I think 'punishment' in the thread title probably also raises a lot of hackles. But I'm more out to 'discipline' in the original Latin sense of 'teach' ie I want him to learn that rules are there for an important reason to benefit everyone, not just to annoy him and spoil his fun, and that having a tantrum/disobeying to get your own way is not on.

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TheSecondComing · 18/01/2012 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
breadandbutterfly · 19/01/2012 00:00

Hopefully I'll have calmed down by tomorrow. Better not go into his room though - hard to forget when the bloody blue stains on the carpet glare up at me. :(

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SparkleSoiree · 19/01/2012 00:01

Do you know what....reading your post I could feel his excitement as he was taking the toy down from the shelf....and the desperation just to open it up and start to explore the toy was so great he was prepared to do it in the half darkness....

I think he has been punished enough by you putting that toy in the bin.

SparkleSoiree · 19/01/2012 00:08

Dh just wanted to say that if your son's behaviour is changing like this it sounds like he may be a little angry about something that is coming out in his behaviour...