Suggest a punishment for my ds

[breadandbutterfly]

I am seething. ds (5) was told he was not allowed to do a complex wooden 'kit' he'd been given for xmas, involving putting it together and painting it etc tonight, as it needed supervision and would take a long time. He was upset, had tantrum, given lots of hugs and told we'd do it this weekend. He was told this several times, and my dh (stupidly) put it in his room on a v v high shelf he didn't think he could reach. After lights out, whilst he was supposed to be in bed and his older sisters were getting ready for bed, ds got this out and started making it by himself in the semi-darkness, on the unprotected beige carpet of our rented house, which is now ruined as a result (= several hundred pound likely replacement, as was immaculat)> i am gutted - he so knew he was not allowed to do this.

I have shouted a lot and taken the toy off him and put it in the bin.

What else should I do? This is not a one off in that his behaviour recently has been getting worse in that he increasingly ignores what he's told for his good and everyone else's - he just does what he wants and has major tantrums if denied (like tonight). I think we give into it too much because it's easier than fighting back. Well, not any more. Really had enough. I'm exhausted from work and for what? For money to be thrown down the toilet on the coat of a new bloody carpet. :(

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask a 5-year old to wait to do something on the weekend, or to say 'no' he can't do something. I don't think you were asking too much of him to go to sleep instead of getting out of bed, climbing up to get it and getting all out when he's been told he mustn't.

I think throwing the toy away is probably sufficient punishment though. I would have a talk with him in the morning about why you were so cross and why what he did was very naughty.

your child has done something naughty and has already been punished so no need for any additional punishment IMO

why not hire a rug doctor tomorrow and see if you can get the marks out -it's worth a go to save having to replace the carpet

5 year olds push boundaries, they will test you out and you do right teaching them that if they do something wrong they get in trouble -life's tough when you are 5 or 8 when your big sister is allowed to do loads more stuff than you

it's one of life's little lessons lol

I've found with my six year old that she is just getting to the point where when we tell her not to do something, she can see the reasoning behind it. And that has taken years of her pushing boundaries. My OH and I have had to accept that some things are going to take the brunt of her being a child and not understanding consequences. Getting het up didn't change that but we are finally getting through to her.

This is so seriously fucked up I just hope it's a

"My dh (stupidly) put it in his room on a v v high shelf he didn't think he could reach." ???

Serious parental screw-up methinks. 5 is really too young to be put in a situation where temptation can be indulged like this.

Sorry, but my DS was brought up in private rented furnished accommodation in London until he was 13. We learned the hard way - £900 deposit penalty when he scratched the wallpaper in the hallway (aged 4) and drew on a (cheap pine IKEA) table. We had the cheap beige carpet nightmare to contend with as well.

If you have chidren and live in private rented accommodation you really will have to factor in the loss of your deposit. There is no point in punishing your DC because you can't afford your own home. Sorry, this is NOT a judgy-pants thing, just talking through bitter experience.

'Serious parental screw-up methinks. 5 is really too young to be put in a situation where temptation can be indulged like this.'

No it's not

'There is no point in punishing your DC because you can't afford your own home'

She doesn't want to punish him because she's worried about the rent, she wants to punish him for his bad behaviour and doing the exact opposite of what he's been asked to do.

But the anger would probably have been less apparent, if the carpet hadn't taken a pounding. Not that I blame the OP for being upset about that but, as I have learnt several times over, it is an inevitable part of life with some children.

He is 5. They have bugger-all memory at that age. Just don't get this obsession with punishing them at this age. Why on EARTH would you leave a toy AND the paint!!! within reach of a 5 year old child? Why the hell would you set them up like that?

This issue has to be finance related. It wouldn't be a problem if there wasn't a financial penalty for the house fittings getting damaged.

If I don't want my DC to do stuff I tell them so, for sure, but I don't deliberately leave temptation around within reach , especially when they are tiny. I think it's a bit sick to suggest it's OK to do otherwise and then punish then if they "fail".

'He is 5. They have bugger-all memory at that age'

My 5 year olds memory is fine. If you have a 5 year old who can't remember something you told him 10 mins ago I would suggest you get it checked out.

'within reach of a 5 year old child? Why the hell would you set them up like that?'

Her DH put it on a high shelf where they didn't think he could reach it. Turned out he could, but they weren't to know that. It wasn't like they left it on his bedside table! Do you think having a pens/knives/scissors in view is 'setting them up' to draw on the walls, cut themselves, cut up the curtains? He's 5 not 2!

'I don't deliberately leave temptation around within reach , especially when they are tiny'

They didn't do it deliberately did they? Have you read the OP? It was on a high shelf where they didn't think he could reach! He's 5. He's not 'tiny'. A lot of 5 year olds are in year 1 at school, they are expected to be able to behave themselves beacause they old enough to do so.

I think you should punish him at the same scale as you would if he had disobeyed you, taken the toy down and no harm had come of it. So yeah, probably taking his toy away. But as far as the crime goes the rented accommodation, ruined carpet etc is irrelevant- he would have been no more virtuous if you had happened to live in your own house, with an ancient carpet beyond redemption, and he had disobeyed you; the naughtiness would have been exactly the same.

You can almost certainly claim on insurance for the carpet. friend's ds drew in permanent marker on their less than a month old cream carpet. Insurance paid up no problem.

I think the mistake was putting it in his room. I'd fish it out of the bin (but not tell him yet) and get it back out when you're both calmer.

I agree with cory - he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he has no concept of the cost of replacing the rug. Try to forget that part when dealing with him.