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Original poster

12 day old baby- feel like it's all going horribly wrong again!

27 replies

christmastreebow · 04/01/2012 13:32

Hi there this is DC2 so you'd think I'd be calmer this time but not at all. DD is 5 and back at school after xmas which is a relief though I feel so guilty for feeling that!

DS is 12 days old and for the first 9 days or so he just slept and it seemed so easy by comparrisson to DD who was a grotty baby. Now DS seems to have woken up a bit he is restless and grumpy, I don't feel like I know how to settle him because I don't know him! He seems to struggle to fall asleep. I feed him to sleep he settles for 5 mins then cries again. He cries whatever I do and I am feeling that horrible anxiousness I had with DD. I so wanted a different experience this time but I have no idea why he's crying! He was awake screaming from 9-12 last night, wakes 3 times to feed and I am so exhausted!

I don't know what he wants and I feel so useless. He is just so grumpy :-(

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spinaltap · 04/01/2012 13:44

Have you tried swaddling? Or carrying him in a wrap sling? I found these helped mine settle.
If he just slept for 9 days he could be REALLY hungry so you probably will seem to be constantly feeding.
Maybe you could get in a nice warm bath together to help you both relax a bit.
Hang in there!
Hth x

seeker · 04/01/2012 13:48

Just sit and feed him all the time your dd is at school. Or preferably, lie down and feed him! He's only tiny and you need to get the suppy/demand thing going properly.

It will get better- these first few weeks are hard!

Original poster
christmastreebow · 04/01/2012 13:49

Thank yiu. I think I am just panicking. DH went back to work today and I just feel a bit overwhelmed! He is just never awake and content lately which iss exactly like DD was. I just feel like I am doing something wrong. He cried in the pushchair on the school run, I am dreading going out to pick DD up because I know DS will scream.

I am just dreading tonight too. I can't deal with the hours of screaming and trying to feed him to sleep. HE doesn't let me rock him to sleep. He just seems to cry even when being held. What am I doing wrong?? He even hates being swaddled!

OP posts:
mrspepperpotty · 04/01/2012 14:10

Have you tried a dummy? Or are you anti dummies?

Original poster
christmastreebow · 04/01/2012 14:15

Not anti dummy at all. He takes it for so long but then gets frustrated and spits it out. then creas for it again, then spits it out etc. He just doesnt seem to know what he wants! I am all for anything to make him happy but as yet I haven't found it! x

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Original poster
christmastreebow · 04/01/2012 14:15

sorry typos one handed typing ds on my lap!

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 04/01/2012 14:22

He sounds like a normal baby to me :)

Coming to terms with this too hot, too cold, too quiet, too noisy, windy, world where you actually have to request food is Hard Work.

You've only known him 12 days, give yourself a break :) You're doing nothing wrong, you wouldn't expect to know all the likes and dislikes of anyone else you'd known for 12 days so this is no different (especially as he has no clue himself!)

You are tired, you don't have DH there for support and it's bound to all be a bit too much.

How was the birth? Some babies apparently benefit from cranial osteopathy if they cry a lot - especially after a difficult birth with forceps or ventouse.

Will he let DH rock/cuddle him to sleep? Sometimes babies will sleep for anyone other than their mum, because mum smells of milk and food and that gets them all wound up.

Trizelda · 04/01/2012 14:22

Sorry...I am a bit out of date as my youngest is nearly 9.....but she was my third and I tried the Baby Whisperer after 6 weeks and it transformed the whole experience for me having had a very needy second child and feeling hopeless.
Good luck...it's still very early days!

ThreeNine · 04/01/2012 16:46

I found that other people were able to rock my daughter to sleep better than I could at that point, presumably because of the milk smell.

I would definitely echo getting a sling though, mine has long sleeps in there. She also cried less at night if she'd slept more in the day.

smearedinfood · 04/01/2012 17:06

Early days! And in the early days it's food food. Three times a night is normal. Just forget housework for a bit and stick with the essential. Don't judge yourself, you are doing a fantastic job!

MrsDandBaby · 04/01/2012 18:59

We had this with DS - HV said to keep feeding which did seem to help (but not cure!) i found with DS i'd forgotten how long much time was spent getting baby to sleep, and how long i needed to wind him for - it's so much harder with another child around.

take your time, keep feeding him, keep yourself fed - it will get easier, it lasted maybe a week with DS before he would settle for longer periods of time (or at least be quiet and rest on one of us)

good luck

Original poster
christmastreebow · 04/01/2012 19:16

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Since DH came home from work DS has settled to sleep! Why am I so bad at this??

I haven't seen him awake and content all day though and it's sad to think he's so unhappy with himself and I just don't understand why!

I am sure even with DD by 12 days I had developed coping methods and could read her well enough to know how to soothe her. She cried a hell of a lot for the first year but DS seems to be even worse!

Think I am maybe just having a bad day and struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel really. I know it's early days and I should relax and go with the flow but I just remember how miserable I was wtih DD as a baby and I am terrified of going back tot hat, the isolation and relentlessness of it nearly killed me.

Ahh well. Tomorrow is a new day eh? Please God let it be better than today!

OP posts:
MrsDandBaby · 05/01/2012 07:10

one day at a time (easy to say i know)

good luck today

kitstwins · 05/01/2012 07:15

Sorry - flying message as mornings are chaos but your post struck a chord. Just some ideas:

  1. Stop comparing. I know it's hard but stop l
FannyBazaar · 05/01/2012 07:36

Is he showing signs of hunger when crying? If you continually feed him does he settle then? Is he most content being held?

kitstwins · 05/01/2012 07:37

God, no idea what happened there. Hopeless iPhone. Right:

  1. Stop comparing. It's hard but you've got to stop looking back and worrying. This is a different baby, you're a different mother, you've done this before. It will be better if you cut yourself some slack and go with the flow.
  1. Wind your baby. I had a fab maternity nurse who taught me to wind, wind, wind. Her view was that crying newborns often still had wind stuck and I needed to get two or three burps up. Another burp would always need to come up after I'd put the baby down so I'd pick him up, pat-pat-rub-rub for 4 or 5 mins (often less) and it would come up. I might have to do it one more time before he went to sleep. My instinct would have been to feed him (he was crying, ergo it must be hunger) but my maternity nurse would point out that he'd fed like a suction pump for an hour and it was wind. She was right.
  1. Swaddle. It makes them feel secure.
  1. Read Tracey Hogg's The Baby Whisperer. It gave me understanding of my baby and therefore confidence. Def worth a read.
  1. Do some baby massage. Just crappy home stuff and in my case it was just ineffectually rubbing oil onto a wriggly baby but it gives you time to bond rather than panic. Even a minute or two is still good. And if the baby cries, don't panic; it's something new and some baby's get panicked by new things (Tracey Hogg is great on different 'types' of babies.
  1. Cut yourself some slack. You have a 12 day old and a 5 year old and everyone, you, baby, child, husband, has to find their stride. It's all new but you will find it. It will be okay.
dribbleface · 05/01/2012 14:38

Quick post as DS2 (13 weeks) due to wake up but this time around i used a swaddle cloth for him and he has slept so much better than DS1. I can completely relate to that feeling of dread, i was not myself at all after DS1, i did have PND but i also think he was just hard work.

I second the baby whisperer book, i do not follow routine ridgedly at all but i picked the bits of the book that worked for me. I think DS1's problem was he was continually over tired, i now understand how much sleep a baby needs and how to help him to get it (i just thought DS1 was an alert baby)

It will get easier. Take care of yourself in the meantime.

Original poster
christmastreebow · 05/01/2012 20:17

Thank you for the further comments and support. Today has been much the same. Lots of tears and him struggling to fall asleep but looking shattered after just a few minutes of being awake. I am feeling a bit calmer though and have found a couple of ways of soothing him. The dummy today is working a lot better today but he does seem to want it in ALL the time he is awake. Do you think this is a problem or should I just go with it for now?

OP posts:
narmada · 05/01/2012 20:56

Hang in there, you are probably unconsciously putting a rosier glow on your experience with your first baby, I reckon. Chances are you were pacing, rocking, etc etc etc with her but the mists of time and all that....

I seem to remember that there is a massive growth spurt around 10-12 days or so; that could well account for increased fussiness - the solution as others have said might just be to feed feed feed.

Dummy is fine but if you want to exc breastfeed it's as well to keep use slightly rationed so as not to interfere with the supply/ demand cycle.

narmada · 05/01/2012 20:58

Ps how is stuff like weight gain, wee and poo output?

Original poster
christmastreebow · 06/01/2012 07:14

hiya wees and poos are ok as far as health visitor says but he really does seem windy and uncomfortable a lot of the time. Thank you narmada, didn't know about the growth spurt, that's possibly contributing. I remember DD was a bloody nightmare at this stage too but that lased for months and months and I am petrified of going back to that. I remember how bad I felt and I really desperately wanted to have a different expperience of it this time round. Unrealistic perhaps but I though DD was such an unsettled baby, wouldn't be soothed, wouldn't feed properly, wind, wouldn't be put down, wouldn't go in pushchair etc etc that this time it was bound to be easier. No so! DS is showing all these trais and more! Arrgh. I think I am just exhasted.

OP posts:
may08 · 06/01/2012 10:42

I totally understand how you feel, I just posted my own thread before seeing this one. I echo everything you say except my DD is 5 weeks old and has been like this since she was born (very straightforward birth). Started with breast feeding but I am mainly using the bottle now.

Feel like I have no idea what my baby wants..

Sorry this isnt much help to you but just thought i would let you know you are not alone.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 06/01/2012 10:54

Wow... this is the third time in about five minutes I have linked to I'm not related to Harvey Karp and trying to promote him, honest! It gives some great ideas for how to calm babies. DS was also very unsettled for the first few months (who am I kidding? He's still a handful, but an adorable one!) and we eventually discovered that swaddling and white noise really helped. I never bought the Karp book, but I will do if I'm lucky enough to have a 'next time'.

I know exactly what you mean when you say "I desperately wanted to have a different expperience of it this time round" I keep wondering if DS is so high maintenance because I made him that way and promising myself I won't make the same 'mistakes' next time, but in reality I strongly believe that babies have their own personality from day 1 and we just have to go with them.

I hate disagreeing with other posters, but can I strongly recommend that you don't read The Baby Whisperer? Before DS came along I read it and thought it was full of great ideas and info. Then he was here, I was struggling and I went back to it. It made me feel worse than ever and I spent most of the next few days hiding under the duvet telling DP I was a rubbish mum. When he took that (and GF!) away and banned me from reading them, I felt soooooo much better.

As I said, there are at least three similar threads going on at the moment and many more people commenting that they're in the same boat, so it might be worth starting a 'support group' thread so that you can all share your worries, experiences and ideas. There's a 'High Need baby' thread in Feeding which I've found helpful, but it's been running a few months and has almost 1000 posts already so it might disappear soon.

narmada · 06/01/2012 17:20

also a vote against the baby whisperer....knows less than nothing about breastfeeding and very liable to make you feel a failure if your baby won't conform to a 3- or 3-hour routine.

It's always hard to tell whether a baby is uncomfortable or just a bit cross at being in the world - I wonder whether a lactation consultant might be able to advise you re. feeding/ wind etc. She may have some ideas and views on whether what you've experienced with your two babies behaviour-wise is completely within the bounds of normal or suggestive of something else going on (e.g., feeding issues, intolerances to something in your breastmilk - e.g., traces of dairy protein, or reflux). I am only mentioning those things as outside chances by the way - I have had two screamy babies with their own digestive issues so I am a bit over-inclined to think that way!

narmada · 06/01/2012 17:20

3- or 4- hour routine that should read. Duh.