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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

i need some advise

28 replies

nat229 · 01/01/2012 11:11

hi please dont judge me but i need some advise, im new on hear so please be patient. I have 2 children a 7 year old and an 8 month old and am currently 20 weeks pregnant . My 7yr old is out of control she will not do anything i tell her and is extremely angry and violent which has got to the point where i really do not know what to do. She smashes everything she has as well as everything she comes into contact with hits me spits at me and its destroying my family. i have been to the doctors with her on three separate occasions asking for help and im not getting anywhere, the last doctor i saw promised to help me but i just received a letter saying im on a waiting list and should hear from someone in 15 weeks! i cant even go anywhere with her as she tries to jump out of the car (child locks not workin) Im scared i will loose the baby im carrying with all the stress I dont have any family to help and just moved to a new area for a fresh start 3 months ago hoping this would help but it hasn't, has anyone every been in a similar situation? any advise would be greatly appropriated..

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BlissfulMistletoe · 01/01/2012 11:12

what have you tried

randommoment · 01/01/2012 11:14

Hi Nat, can you tell us if your dd's school is helping with her?

squeakytoy · 01/01/2012 11:14

where is her father? is he helping with this?

mellowcat · 01/01/2012 11:15

You poor thing, sorry you are having such a hard time. Could you speak to your daughters school to see if they can advise you? 15 weeks seems such a long time, could you go back to your doctors and write stuff down to remember to say, especially about the impact on you and your pregnancy.

JustHecate · 01/01/2012 11:15

I think you need to get back on to the doctor and ask for things to be speeded up. Perhaps talk to the health visitor too (you'll still be seeing one won't you, because of your 8 month old) maybe they might be able to point you in the right direction.

Also talk to the school and ask for their help.

And there is always social services, you could ask for their help too.

Does that homestart thing still exist?

Do you have a partner? if so, are they supportive?

Have there been any changes that could be affecting her? you've moved area recently for a 'fresh start' - I'm assuming that means that there have been some pretty big problems? could she be suffering from all of that?

Bottom line, you need to shout long and loud and demand some help and support.

Deafworm · 01/01/2012 11:16

When did this behaviour start? How do you normally deal with it? Is she feeling pushed out by new siblings? Do you get the chance to have nice time just you two?

Original poster

nat229 · 01/01/2012 11:16

Most things I think, i have tried reward charts days out for good behavior. Different forms of discipline i.e grounding, naughty step, no t.v games etc for a period of time to name but a few up to now nothing has worked

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squeakytoy · 01/01/2012 11:18

This is more than just naughty behaviour. How does she behave at school?

randommoment · 01/01/2012 11:22

What Hecate says. There's hardly any money out there, so you'll really need to squeal for your share. School could well be very helpful, do you restart Tuesday?

Original poster

nat229 · 01/01/2012 11:24

Thank you everyone for your comments As a family we have been threw a lot, but she is a very strong little girl and i have talked to her a lot to try and get to the bottom of things, i thought she might have felt pushed out by her sister but she isnt when i talk to her about her behavior her answer is "I just want my own way"
This morning she told me she wanted me to die as then she could live somewhere else where she can do what she wants, then i go outside and my car has been broken into, great start to the year so far.

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Original poster

nat229 · 01/01/2012 11:25

She is an A* student at school prefect behavior her problem is with me :(

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Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 01/01/2012 11:25

Are there any parenting courses running near you? I can honestly say they changed our family's life. Our dd was making everyone's life a misery and the course helped us immensely.

BlissfulMistletoe · 01/01/2012 11:26

what is her Speech like

JustHecate · 01/01/2012 11:27

The thing is - she's seven. You just can't rely on her understanding her own feelings or being able to articulate them properly. You can't ask her about something and say well, she says she doesn't feel X, so it can't be that... They often don't really understand what they're feeling. and when you talk to them, they can say what they think you want to hear, or say what they think will upset you, or any other reason. What I am saying is - you can't take what she is telling you at face value.

I'm sorry about your car. Bugger. Hope your insurance covers it.

SarahStratton · 01/01/2012 11:29

She's been through a lot though lately. You've moved to a new area, so a new school, new house, loss of friends. Plus, she's been an only child for most of her life, a new baby has arrived and now you're expecting another one. It's a lot to happen in that space of time for anyone, let alone a 7 year old.

Can I ask if you are on your own, and where her Dad is?

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 01/01/2012 11:30

Just read your last post - defo parenting course will help - teachers at school didn't believe how bad she was - not x, can't be, delightful girl, wish we had a class full of x's - parenting classes helped me find a different approach (we had to change to enable her to change) it was a long road but she is now a mostly delightful 13 y/o - we've come a long way since the day I bawled over the phone to the parenting co-ordinator (dd was 4 at the time)

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 01/01/2012 11:34

Have you been in touch with your local Surestart?

Original poster

nat229 · 01/01/2012 11:34

She is a very intelligent seven year old she is 3 years ahead at school and is working on a level just below high school I know some of the problem is that her bio dad is not around and has not been for most of her life and she blames me for this. I have a partner who she sees as a father we have been together for years and he has been a great support we dont live together so she still has a lot of time just me and her.
Fuzzywuzzywozabear how do i find out about the classes..

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FabbyChic · 01/01/2012 11:38

She hasnt handled you having a second child well, and her behaviour is born of no longer being the only child, the child who gets all the attention. Now you are having a 3rd she is realising she will get even less attention.

You might find a child psychologist will help. Try to spend as much time with her as possible, letting her know she is loved just as much. Do things with her just the two of you. You have to if you want her behaviour to get better.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 01/01/2012 11:40

Hi - I saw a poster at my local pre-school (it was an old one and I had to phone several different numbers but I kept plugging away as I knew it was important and I was desperate)- or try your health visitor - I can't stress enough how much it changed our lives - also you could start by trying a book called "raising happy children" very easy to dip in and out of - good luck!

Chandon · 01/01/2012 11:41

most children respond very well to a strict routine, and a high level of predictability (like at school for example).

So fixed meal times, fixed bed times, in the evening the same routine, for example at 7:30 time to tidy up, do teeth, bedtime story, read in bed for 15 mins, light out.

Also with behaviour, I give one warning then it is "time out" in his room until he comes down to apologise. It's the same every time, so he now knows the rules. It helps enormously.

It sounds very old fashioned and would not have been my "natural" style of parenting, but I had a volatile 6 year old (we had to move house a few times, which made him feel really unsettled) and I just really needed to bring in a routine.

He knows where he stands, and has calmed down a lot. I could not quite believe how much children crave a level of stability.

Is there anything you can do to make her feel more "settled"?

Original poster

nat229 · 01/01/2012 11:41

I agree to some extent but her behavior hasnt started since my lg was born it started when she was about 3 yo but has just got the point where im scared,

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Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 01/01/2012 11:44

Exactly what Chandon said - yes, yes, yes

My dd started at about 18 months - its just in her to behave like that and we learned to manage her

tethersend · 01/01/2012 11:45

nat, you say that the family has been through a hard time- sorry to pry, but can you say anything about what happened?

Do you think any of it could be affecting her behaviour?

Original poster

nat229 · 01/01/2012 11:47

i have had the same routine since she was little bed at 7pm tea at 5pm etc. she has started to rebel this now and just says no!!!! i send her for time out and she trashes her room, i tried to keep her as settled as poss, she still sees her old school friends i take her to them once a fortnight, and she loves her new school x

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