Devastated by news from school

[Sickboy]

Hi all. Another of my all-too infrequent visits.

Eldest son's childminder told me today that he had to spend playtime sitting outside the headmistress' office because - he'd bumped into a little girl and knocked her over... but then kicked her when she was on the ground and bloodied her nose.

He's five and has had one or two issues with playing a little too roughly, but before today I wold have sworn that he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body.

I'm absolutely gutted at how a tall, solid, strong, lively, funny and intelligent boy can lash out like this. He knows it's wrong because he goes to a martial arts class where the first rule is 'Never attack anybody'.

We're seeing his headmistress about it tomorrow and I have a queasy mixture of dread, embarrassment and anger.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

On a lighter note, my youngest - Josh - is fourteen months and absolutely glorious.

Sigh.

Yes, a wealth of experience on Special Needs re ADHD.

Before damping down the personality with drugs (he's so little!) I'd be trying to find ways for him to be who he is without hurting anyone or being "the naughty one" "the difficult one".

We're all on a spectrum, yk? He is who he is, and he's a valid person with a valid personality. Not a conventional personality, not a biddable personality, but a glorious individual person all of his own. He has so much potential to make a huge contribution to society, because of being an out-of-the-box thinker, if you can manage to help him maintain his self belief. Drugs might be a really clear message to him that who he is is somehow wrong.

He is not wrong in himself, but he might be in situations which are wrong for him. It may well be that he's just a person for whom the big group situation is just overwhelming at the moment

I'd be thinking about

another school, perhaps a little private one with tiny supportive classes

or part time school

or HE for a year or two while you help him get the social savvy he needs for school.

This isn't advice, exactly, but when I was about 8 and my sister 5 we were playing this game where she was a hurdle and I jumped over her. I booted her in the face quite deliberately. When she went crying to our mum, I made out that it had been an accident and she got told off for lying! I wasn't a malicious or rough child, and I have no idea why I did it - and to this day I feel awful about it! (In fact, this is the first time I've ever told the truth.)
What I'm saying is children do things because they act on a split second impulse. I'm not excusing it, and it's down to you and the school how you punish him, but don't worry that he's a thug. The martial arts class sounds brilliant.

Hello all! Back for another of my infrequent updates...

Eldest son's (9) ADHD is now fully diagnosed and he's on fast-acting medication twice a day.

Mostly, things are fine, but we do have teeth-grindingly tedious problems with getting him to do anything without having to ask three or four times.

This morning, we had a horrible scene where my wife lost her temper with him (rare) and asked me for 'help'.

That led to me losing my temper, him crying and my youngest son (5) crying, too!

This afternoon, we had a calm scene where my wife and I explained that shouting/losing temper is now well and truly banned in the house.

It doesn't make us feel good, eldest son just cries and looks terrified and it affects my youngest son's nerves.

So - no more. We're trying to move onto a track of mutual respect based on a points system where he can 'buy' vouchers after collecting enough points (videogame time, tv time, computer time, etc).

Anyone else with ADHD children who've been through the trials and had success with a reward system?

Thanks. x

Sickboy, no advice but bugger me your wife and kids are lucky to have you. Us members on here spend a lot of time dealing with dickhead ex's/partners, but the world would be a much better place if there were more of you around.

Thank you. Really appreciate that.

It's all learning, I guess. I never had any connection with my own biological father - that makes me even more determined to be around and close to my own sons.

Mostly, it's all good, and during the rough moments, I try to focus on how nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

Hi Sickboy.

I just wondered if you had heard about/considered treating your son for Neuro Developmental Delay? It can help people with ADHD,ASD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, cerebal palsy and a whole lot more.

INPP are one of the organisations that provide NDD treatment. I found out about it because one of my dc had issues and the improvement in her was dramatic.

Here is the link to the website. I've linked directly to the screening questionnaire but read around the whole site to find out more. INPP is one organisation I think there are few out there that have devleoped differing techniques to achieve the same improvements.

www.inpp.org.uk/questions/index.php

Hi, CarGirl. Thanks a lot for that. I'll take a look...

The practioner I used works out of Windsor and Petersfield if you are in the SE at all...........

Hi Sickboy - lovely to hear from you again. I'm glad to hear that things are generally good for you.

Re. the having to ask him to do things three or four times.

Is it things like the morning routine things? Have you tried using visual clues/timetable. It means you can ask him to look at the timetable, rather than have to keep asking him the same things over and over again.

Re the asking 3 or 4 times. Are you giving him too much instruction in one go? My DS2 has ADHD and we found when he was young that you can't say "pick up your toys and take them upstairs" (for example). You'd have to ask him first to pick them up, then once done to take them upstairs. Not a good example but YSWIM?

When DS was 7 or 8 his tempers were so bad that my DH used to have to sit on him. We worried what would happen when he was bigger and stronger. He is now 20, over 6ft tall, studying at a very distant (geographically) uni. He still has tempers but can be talked down. Of all my children he is the most empathetic. He was a fantastic teenager because we didn't get the "attitude" you get from normal teens. If I went up to school he would come leaping down the corridor delighted to see me, announcing to everybody "it's my mum". My NT DS3 would see me down the corridor and hide There is light at the end of the tunnel.

elvislives - thanks for a lovely post. My DS1 (4.6) does not have ADHD, but has been driving me mad all day with tantrums. It's great to hear about more 'volatile' tots growing into well adjusted teenagers and adults.

Lovely post, elivislives. Made me smile and gave me hope.

Littlefish - the timetable is a great idea. Might get that up for tomorrow - it sounds like a great way of giving him the power to sort himself out rather than having to respond to constant nagging...

I will try to post here a bit more often. Hopefully, it'll work as a sort of occasional blog, as my kids grow up...

This thread is 6 years old!

Although updated by OP in Feb 2010!!

Reported

Reported to MNHQ for advertising!

Ha! Beatcha to it!!

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PM me if you want to send me oodles of cash in gratitude.

Hi Sickboy

I echo one of the other ladies on here you sound like an amazing Dad. All of this must have been so tough.

I have just been searching around on MN as have had a nightmare week with DS (6.3) who just doesn't seem to care if he upsets me or is lazy etc etc. He has to be asked to do things several times for everything which drives you nuts and even if I stick big bloody red signs up (lift both toilet seats) he still pees all over everywhere and claims he forgot. He also seems to have the poorest concentration in class. DS responds quite well to reward charts for a week or so then the novelty wears off.

Littlefish The timetable thing sounds a great idea, gives them some responsibility I'm going to try that!