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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

So we have brought up an ungrateful little brat

50 replies

StealthPolarBear · 29/12/2011 20:52

DS spent bed time today whining about the presents he didn't get and why didn't he get this and how come no one gave him that. I started off calmly exlaining but then I saw red. I told him lots of boys and girls didn't get anything for birthdays or Christmases and so his presents would be going to them. I came down and packed them up planning to put them in my car for a week or two.
I know I have handled this badly, but how badly, and what now?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

caramelwaffle · 29/12/2011 20:54

What age is he?

Bag them up, confiscate them and make him earn them back?

Gigondas · 29/12/2011 20:54

How old is he and has he said all this before or similar? Also is he esp tired or unwell or chsnge in circumstances?Just trying to get context here (I would be pissed off too)

Ingles2 · 29/12/2011 20:55

how old stealth?

caramelwaffle · 29/12/2011 20:55

If really young - ignore above

HavePatience · 29/12/2011 20:55

I don't have any advice but I had to bite my tongue - HARD - from saying and doing exactly the same as you when DS mentioned something he had asked for but did not get (he's 3). I went into the whole explanation of kids who don't get any or very little - how lucky he is to have food...etc.
He hasn't mentioned it since but if he does I'm really interested in replies to your post to find out what to do next!
Sorry not much help but you're not alone!

caramelwaffle · 29/12/2011 20:56

x post

Original poster

StealthPolarBear · 29/12/2011 21:01

he is nearly 5. Done similar in the past but not even in this league.

OP posts:

TapselteerieO · 29/12/2011 21:08

My DS said it was the best Christmas ever, but I had told him beforehand that he would not get everything he wanted from Santa/for Christmas, he got some brilliant surprises but one thing I knew he wanted I didn't buy. I told him all the things he didn't get, if he still really wanted them he could ask for them for his birthday in 5 months time.

Dd asked for something this year that I had persuaded her not to ask for last Christmas - it was her main present this year.

Whingeing is so hard to deal with, you have my sympathy, do you think your ds's expectations were built too high before Christmas? Did he write to Santa?

silverfrog · 29/12/2011 21:10

dd2 has been going on constantly, since Christmas day, about how she prefers dd1's toys and presents, and how she wants to 'share' them with dd1

thereis history - dd1 has ASD, and so doesn't play with toys as much, and generally doesn't mind if dd2 does. but it is the principle of it. how the hell am I supposed to teach her that she cannot have everything she wants, when dd1 jsut hands it all over?

she has been priming dd1 with leading questions - eg 'dd1, do you like purple or red?" (dd1 bound to say red, as repeating last word when she hasn't a clue what dd2 is on about) - dd2 runs up to me triumphantly - 'mummy, dd1 said she liked red - that means she doesn't want her doll (in a purple dress), but she can share mine (in a red dress)' and so on.

it's driving me mad, and more than once I have been on the verge of boxing up the lot and shoving it in the garage.

Ingles2 · 29/12/2011 21:14

Ah,..he's only a littlie then.. Did you explain that he wouldn't get everything he asked FC for?
I think you've handled it fine btw, I'd give him a couple back in the morning and let him earn the rest back over the next day or 2 with good behaviour..
Don't be too hard on him though,..it's hard for them to take it all in the excitement, the expectation, and still be reasonable. He's probably feeling tired and anti climatic.

PosieParker · 29/12/2011 21:14

I have one of those stealth, I think it's an older/only child thing. The only way to combat it is giving them fuck all or saying NO a lot. When my ds is ungrateful or asks for two when offered one the offer is withdrawn or item taken back. He doesn't do it so often, but he is nearly ten!!

They have to learn to be gracious, well some do. DS2 is always so delighted with what he gets, even though I know sometimes he would like something else....that makes me want to give hiom more of what he wants!

Stealth you're not alone, but I would take one thing away until he stops moaning.

thisisyesterday · 29/12/2011 21:15

awww, you know what, I don't think he is being ungrateful. I bet he realy loves the stuff he got and is very grateful for it.
But... he is a child! and he says what he thinks! and he is thinking "gosh, i really wish I'd had that lego set for christmas" (or whatever) and he is telling you.

It's just what children do. it doesn't mean he doesn't like what he has.
there have been times when I, as an adult, have thought to myself "I really wish DP had bought me so-and-so"... I just don't say it because I know it's impolite.

If he says anything again then I would just say "yes ds, it's disappointing sometimes when we don't get things we really want isn't it?" and just let it go from there.
remind him there are many more birthdays and christmasses to come, and perhaps if he had some money for christmas he could use it/some of it to get another thing he would have liked?

HavePatience · 29/12/2011 21:15

Ah ok. 5 is a bit different. What was his reaction when you bagged up his toys?

PeanutButterOnly · 29/12/2011 21:17

Maybe look at why he might have behaved like that and the context. Not excusing the behaviour, but could it be normal for a 5yo, following the hype and excitement of Christmas and inevitable anticlimax? My 2 older ones (7 and just 5) were similar when we went shopping earlier. Whining that they wanted this that and the other and they got absolutely loads of stuff from DH's family (less from mine .

Could you start tomorrow by discussing with him why he felt that way? Maybe find out whether he's feeling a bit fed up now Christmas is over? It might just be that rather than that he didn't get specific toys? And explain that you were cross and why. Then work out with him how he could get over this, what other things he could do, rather than behave badly etc. Maybe some extra time before bed to play with one of the Christmas toys, with you, if he manages to behave properly?

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 29/12/2011 21:17

TBH at that age I would probably ignore such whingeing - I don't blame you for reacting the way you did though. Children that age have an amazing capacity to wear you down with complaints!

My DD was actually fine at Xmas, despite the fact I have spoilt her far too much this last year, and in general she has been acting quite bratty. We've agreed to massively cut back on spending anyway, even the little things from the charity shop (I work at one so get a discount, but I didn't think about the fact that she is still getting too much Stuff even if it's really cheap!). She is going to get a little bit of pocket money if she's good - and things she wants will have to come out of that from now on.

PeanutButterOnly · 29/12/2011 21:19

Agree with thisisyesterday - my kids whinging in Tesco for more toys had nothing to do with them actually not liking or being ungrateful for what they already had. It was just behaviour...

PeanutButterOnly · 29/12/2011 21:20

Ignoring might be a good strategy! I will be trying that myself tomorrow!

BerryLellow · 29/12/2011 21:21

I think my eldest son got a bit confused by the whole 'Santa list' thing. After a couple of strange reactions to things in his stocking ("this wasn't on my list") I think he thought that he was writing a shopping list for Santa, as I would when going to the supermarket. Not a list of things he likes. He's just turned 6, so I'm letting it go this year.

It is bloody infuriating though, when I look at all both my boys were given this year and compare it to the things my brother and I got! I'm dreading the years to come when things like the iPad647 will be out and at the top of their list.

Iscreamtea · 29/12/2011 21:22

He's a baby still really. He can't have any concept or understanding yet of how lucky he is. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't be trying to teach him but you can't expect him to really get it yet. That's something that comes with a bit of life experience. I think what is needed is a bit more expectation management. His, in that it should have been made clear he wouldn't get everything. Yours, in terms of your expectations of his understanding.

I think taking away a 4 yr olds Xmas presents is a massive overreaction personally. I would have a serious, but calm, talk with him about it tomorrow, then give him his presents back.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2011 21:28

Stealth - how can you say such things about that darling little boy

He's 4. They're blunt. Every man, his wife & dog ask the kids what they want santa to bring them if they're good. Of course the poor little things think that Santa will bring them 'everything' they want - why not? They've been good after all.... Santa makes the toys - why wouldn't he bring the things he's asked for.

It is hard when you have bought loads, possibly scrimped and saved to do so - worried if you have bought the right things or not etc etc etc then they still complain... but really, we do tend to set them up for it.

I would just put the toys back, if he starts again tomorrow then just talk to him - tell him that he got lots of lovely toys and if there are things he would still like he needs to save up/wait until his birthday etc and try not to let it wind you up. Try to show him there are future opportunities to get the things he would like.

Next year, he will be a bit older and you will need to explain that you don't get everything you ask for at Christmas, just a few things off your list if you are lucky then you will have DD doing what DS has done this year.

lljkk · 29/12/2011 21:37

He's really little, he's just saying how he feels. Don't take it personally.

AnnieLobeseder · 29/12/2011 21:40

Apparently some kids never grow out of it!!

caramelwaffle · 29/12/2011 21:49

Oh!

"Tell Santa..."

Just - Oh!

suebfg · 29/12/2011 21:54

I'd be pretty irate too if my DS reacted like that - do you think he is a little spoiled? I'd probably have threatened to take them away but relented.

Maybe though you could suggest that because there are so many girls/boys without Christmas presents, you could bag up his old toys and give them to the local children's hospice/charity shop/hospital. We've always done that with our DS and we praise him for doing that.

colditz · 29/12/2011 21:59

He's four, end of story. He thinks Santa is a real person who brings you everything you ask for if you have been good. He has been good, ergo logically, Santa should have brought him everything he asked for. And Santa didn't.

And now he'd like an explanation.

Give him his toys back and explain to him, calmly and properly, why it hasn't happened as he expected.

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