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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

So we have brought up an ungrateful little brat

50 replies

StealthPolarBear · 29/12/2011 20:52

DS spent bed time today whining about the presents he didn't get and why didn't he get this and how come no one gave him that. I started off calmly exlaining but then I saw red. I told him lots of boys and girls didn't get anything for birthdays or Christmases and so his presents would be going to them. I came down and packed them up planning to put them in my car for a week or two.
I know I have handled this badly, but how badly, and what now?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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colditz · 29/12/2011 22:00

And I would so very much like to see the ages of the children of everyone who posted on this thread, just because I do believe that you soften towards tiny children when your own are not so tiny any more, and you've seen how little they understand and how little of their behavior is deliberate and nasty.

suebfg · 29/12/2011 22:19

My DS is 4. He asked for three things from Santa, two of which arrived and one didn't, although he had some surprises too.

If he threw a strop about it, I'd be thinking about whether he was becoming a little bit spoiled/materialistic and perhaps have a think about what I might be doing as a parent to contribute to that.

Kiwiinkits · 30/12/2011 07:33

A tip from How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen (great book by the way), validate his feelings first ("sometimes it's disappointing to not get everything we want") then fulfill the wish with fantasy ("I wish you had got a waterside and a pony and a whole bucket of chocolate buttons"). Then distract him with talk about next Christmas or what he'd like to do with the presents he DID get tomorrow. Punishments like taking away all the toys look good on paper but often end up with very confused and upset little people.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 07:51

I think that he is very little to take them away. It takes time to understand that you are very lucky and that many DCs don't get as much. I can remember my mother with her 'starving DCs of India' when I left food-all it does at a young age is make you think 'she can send them mine!'
I didn't get it with presents-mainly because I made it clear from the start that a wish list was just what it says and you never get all you wish for. Santa is the same-he has his own ideas and he comes to all DCs-it was unconditional in our house.
I used to get it when buying trainers etc because I wouldn't spend the wished for amount. We had many furious arguments on the High Street, but they got it in the end.
Bear in mind that he got over excited and is overtired. We have such huge expectations that reality is more difficult. I would just talk to him about it.

seeker · 30/12/2011 08:00

And it's really important that they understand that their fc letters are just what they are hoping for. I always got mine to write something like 'of course I don't think I'll get everything- these are just some ideas'

Alouisee · 30/12/2011 08:23

We feed them a load of bollocks about Santa Claus which we expect them to take on board, I think we should be prepared for a bit of bollocks back when the concept falls down.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 08:47

Speak for yourself Alouisee-I have Santa Claus as a lovely, merry, old gentleman. He doesn't make any promises about what he will bring, you can suggest, but he might ignore completely. He also doesn't back up parents in discipline-that is their job-he brings presents to all DCs. DCs were always quite clear that they could make a wish list but they know (from all the stories) that getting all you wish for isn't necessarily a good thing!!

Alouisee · 30/12/2011 08:53

In our house Father Christmas only ever brings a stocking of little things, the children get their proper gifts from real people. IMO when FC is the bringer of all gifts is when children can feel confused and hard done by.

As everyone has said, he's 4. I wouldn't assume he's a brat, just that for him the concept hasn't really worked in his favour.

Oblomov · 30/12/2011 09:19

I went mad and said the same, to ds1(7), when he announced that christmas had been crap. the presents he hadn't got, being told by daddy that their behaviour when we had been out was just embarassing and that daddy didn't want to take them out anymore, and apparently mummy's shouting, were the worst things.
Not to mention he got ALL the things he asked for (he only asked for 2 small cheap'ish things), all the great food we had had, the laughter, cousins coming to visit. No, none of that counted for anything, obviously.

ByTheWay1 · 30/12/2011 09:29

I would suggest he writes his thank yous - or draws a picture of himself with whatever present he got (as he is young) - and thinks about what each person was thinking about when they bought him his present - were they thinking he'd like it, they loved him, etc, etc..... this got our girls past the materialistic stage. When for instance they realised that Granny has very, very little, but she still thought of them and sent them some sweeties for Christmas.

Ilovedaintynuts · 30/12/2011 09:36

I think some kids are just more selfish than others.
I have a teenager who has always been like this. Never grateful always bitter about not having enough.
I've done everything I can to stop him feeling entitled but sadly I think it's his personality. My other two DC' s are not like this.
No advice I'm afraid.

NormanTebbit · 30/12/2011 09:41

Christ he's

NormanTebbit · 30/12/2011 09:46

Christ he's only 5.

As far as he is concerned, Santa knows what he wants and will bring it. It's rather confusing when he doesn't get everything.

It's fine to tell him he is very lucky, some children get nothing (I have said this to mine) but bagging up the toys etc is just going to turn it into a huge issue.

If he was 8/9 I would be cross. At 5 - it's just immaturity.

spanky2 · 30/12/2011 09:49

Annie loved that youtube song! Stealth, I would have done the same thing. Ds1 (7) was moaning about his presents - not getting more. I told him if he carried on he would be taking them down to the charity shop for a little boy whose parents were too poor to buy new ones. I told him that boy would probably be grateful. Even though your ds is little he still needs to be taught good manners. It was a kick in the teeth as dss got new things and quite alot of the gifts everyone else had were from the charity shop or Amazons second hand bit.

Oblomov · 30/12/2011 10:25

Oh how dh and I were reminissing about the good old days. Dh was telling ds1, as his birthday is in August (tis kind of perfect, in that you get presents perfectly spaced in the year, i.e. every 6 months) that a special Captain Scarlett figure came out weeks after his birthday. And he thus had the painful wait till christmas, before Nanny bought it for him. (Dh explained that the next year the same thing happened, within weeks of birthday, a Joe Ninety case came out, with magnifine glass, walkie talkie etc - which dh and ds looked up on Amazon and is now worth £500 !!)
Oh the good old days, when you waited for what you wanted. Dh explained to ds that because they had no money, there were no toys, no mooshi monsters, or Match Attax Football cards, between birthday and christmas.
I don't think ds could grasp that concept, at nearly 8, this scenario is alien to his generation.

ninedragons · 30/12/2011 10:39

This has VERY bad language and is not safe for work

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 11:40

In our house Father Christmas only ever brings a stocking of little things, the children get their proper gifts from real people.

He does in ours-he certainly doesn't take credit for other people's presents! DCs know that people don't have unlimited amounts of money to spend.

droves · 30/12/2011 11:50

5 ...he's a baby . He doesn't understand properly ...and like everyone else has said still thinks Santa gave him the gifts.

I thought you were going to say he was 15 !.

5 year olds are not ungrateful or spoilt , they just can't have the maturity to be spoilt ...most that age have just got the concepts of sharing and good and bad behaviour. Your expecting too much from him.

Is your ds your only child ? .
When I had just one , I expected her to act like a mini adult by the time she was 3 ...by god I learned the hard way with her ! By the time I had my second I'd work out kids are not mini adults , they are kids and they need to learn in their own time . .

Ephiny · 30/12/2011 12:01

I agree you're being a bit hard on him. At his age he won't really understand why he can't have the stuff he wants. And also kids of that age are brutally honest and just say what they think, they don't understand the polite 'etiquette' where you're supposed to say you don't mind what you get, even if you do!

droves has it right, they're not mini-adults, and we can't expect them to magically know how to think/speak the 'proper' way unless they've been taught.

Maybe try to emphasise other fun things about Christmas as well as the presents, so there isn't too much of the focus on 'getting stuff'?

perceptionreality · 30/12/2011 12:10

I think your response was extreme for a 5 year old! But not sure how you can back track now you've packed them into the car. If a 4 year old said that to me I think I would just ignore it - he hasn't the maturity yet to understand things like social differences, how lucky he is.

The other thing to consider is the huge build up to Christmas, which at the end of it all is just one day. The aftermath is a big anti climax for children which might explain the whinging.

Don't be too hard on him.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 12:12

I felt that we came from a privileged area and their friends tended to have more than them-it isn't easy explaining to a DC that some DCs are very different and don't even get a proper Christmas-it isn't something that a sheltered 4/5yr old can understand. It all takes time and maturity.

HappyCamel · 30/12/2011 12:16

I don't think you've handled it badly. I think you've handled it very well.

Original poster

StealthPolarBear · 30/12/2011 12:48

Hi everyone. I get th message that I over reacted somewhat, and that is the conclusion we have come to as well. It was more the way he did "why did no one buy me that?", consumerism at its worst. We've spoken to him abt why we were cross and am going to get him to help pack up some old toys for charity. Good point abt thank you cards too, i'll use the opportunity to talk abt how people felt picking toys out for him. He didn't see me bag the toys up,.was in bed. They are in bags now but he has got some out.

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/12/2011 17:05

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Tgger · 30/12/2011 19:32

Awwwwwww. I think they are just too honest at this age- and selfish, which we all are really, but we learn not to show it/to clothe it in more appropriate language/to assume a different attitude in the face of relatives when sometimes your son's reaction is the more honest one .

Just be straight forward but don't make a big deal about it. Show some positive responses to your pressies- eg "I really like the x I got for Xmas, what do you really like?". And move on.

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